Player

by Sean Ashcroft

  “You’re looking for a grey plate with, uh…” Julian counted silently, running his finger over the diagram like he had years and years ago. “Six studs one way, eight the other.”

  Isaac handed it to him a second later. “And two green bricks that’re one wide, six long,” he said, and again, received them almost immediately, Isaac beaming at him when he looked up.

  They got into the rhythm of working together easily, memories of a time when things were always like this between them, and they were practically inseparable flooding back to Julian with every brush of his fingers against Isaac’s, every soft laugh they shared.

  He remembered falling in love with his best friend. The fear, at first, the dismay that Isaac would know, and once he knew he wouldn’t want to be friends anymore.

  Julian had carried that fear for a long time. Hell, he was still carrying it now, still afraid that if Isaac knew how he really felt, he’d leave.

  Part of him still wanted to say it. Especially now, when Isaac was being so sweet, and it was so easy between them, and Julian could barely remember feeling more loved than he did now.

  The risk that it was all in his head, that he was misreading Isaac’s friends-with-benefits affection for him as something more, that was too much to take. Losing Isaac now, so soon after they’d gotten back in touch… that wasn’t an option.

  “Time to put the tires on,” Isaac said eagerly, having already set them aside earlier. For whatever reason, this had always been his favorite part of building cars, so he always did it.

  The buzzer rang just as Isaac snapped the last tire into place. He rose from the table without a pause, beating Julian to it.

  “That’ll be food,” he said. “Do you know that the Lego company are the world’s biggest manufacturer of tires?”

  Julian blinked at that. He supposed he’d owned more Lego cars than real ones, but…

  “Does it still count if the tires are tiny?” he asked as Isaac hovered by the door, waiting for their food to show up.

  Isaac shrugged. “I dunno, man. This is a fact I got off a cereal box. I just thought I’d impress you with my worldly knowledge.”

  Julian chuckled, thrilled by the idea that Isaac wanted to impress him.

  He was still utterly, hopelessly in love with Isaac. There was no pretending otherwise.

  For the first time, though… it didn’t seem quite as hopeless as Julian had thought. Isaac had said he wanted this to be special, and it was. In a way that would only have meant something to the two of them.

  The thought was exciting.

  Isaac answered the door when the delivery girl knocked on it, smiling his usual, charming smile at her, but turning his attention back to Julian straight away.

  That was new, and it was nice. Normally a pretty girl would have been a huge distraction for Isaac.

  But maybe… maybe he was looking at Julian like he looked at pretty girls, now. Julian couldn’t be entirely sure that wasn’t just wishful thinking, but he wanted it not to be. He wanted Isaac to want him.

  Julian moved the completed car out of the way, making room for them to eat at the table again.

  “So are you nervous about tomorrow?” he asked as Isaac took dumplings, soup, and noodles out of the bags he’d been given, the smell making Julian’s stomach rumble.

  This was way better than when they were kids.

  “Little bit,” Isaac admitted, passing Julian a pair of chopsticks and then breaking his own neatly in two. “I dunno, I guess it doesn’t really matter, but… I still like to win, and I’m not sure I’m up to it.”

  “Well, for the record, I’m proud of you just for entering,” Julian said. “And… I know there’s a lot going on in your head right now, and that offer to just listen? That’s still open, if you ever want to take it up.”

  Julian wanted to be there for Isaac. More than anything, he just wanted them to be best friends again, like they had been before. No secrets, no keeping anything from each other.

  Well, except the fact that he was in love with Isaac. Although, Julian had never really kept that a secret. He’d always treated Isaac with all the love he felt for him, in all the ways he was allowed.

  “Thanks,” Isaac said. “I… guess I’ve learned some things about myself. Not sure what they are yet, though.”

  “You’re not on a deadline,” Julian said softly. “My friendship isn’t going to turn into a pumpkin at midnight.”

  Isaac chuckled. “I guess not. It just feels urgent. Like I have to know, and I have to know now.”

  “I get that, but it only feels that way. The only person you need to worry about is you.”

  “And you,” Isaac said. “Well not… worry, exactly, but… I have to think about you.”

  Julian wasn’t entirely sure what Isaac was getting at, and he was too nervous about all the possibilities to ask.

  Instead, he poured soup over his noodles silently, giving the task a whole lot more focus than it needed.

  “This is nice,” he said after the pause had gone on too long. “Thank you for coming over tonight. I missed seeing you this week.”

  “Me too,” Isaac said. They’d had this conversation earlier, but it couldn’t hurt to have it again. “I can’t stay over, but… assume I’d like to.”

  “Assume I’d like you to,” Julian said, a smile playing around his lips. This was safer territory.

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” Isaac winked at him, grinning broadly.

  “Hey, uh… I want you to keep the car,” Julian said.

  Isaac blinked, looking between the model and Julian’s face. “But I gave it to you?”

  “You gave me the experience of building it with you,” Julian said. “Which is the part I like most about Lego. I… I mean, if you don’t want it, fine, but I wanted you to have something…”

  Something to remember this night by.

  Because Isaac hadn’t said that they’d get together after the tournament, or have other nights like this, or… anything.

  And maybe that didn’t mean what Julian thought it meant, but this had always been a limited-time deal, and it was coming to a close.

  “I get it,” Isaac said, and Julian wasn’t sure that he did, but he was glad this wasn’t about to turn into an argument. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” Julian smiled a small, pleased smile at him, his heart a little lighter knowing that Isaac was happy to keep the memento.

  Julian wouldn’t need the reminder of what it was like to be with Isaac. He’d never forget this, not as long as he lived. But if Isaac had one…

  Maybe he’d feel like he could come back someday. Any day, any time, whenever he wanted to.

  Because he could. And losing him was going to break Julian’s heart.

  But having him? Even for a little while? That had been worth the heartbreak.

  He’d just have to make the most of the time they had left.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Waiting for the first match of the day in the players’ area near the locker rooms made Isaac’s stomach tense. He was used to pre-match nerves and assumed everyone got them, even if this wasn’t as serious as it might have been.

  In some ways, it was a whole lot more serious. He rubbed his thumb over the little pink, blue and purple bisexual flag sewn to the arm of his shirt, stomach clenching all over again. It’d started out as a lie, but…

  Now, he wasn’t so sure. About anything.

  Except that straight probably didn’t fit anymore. That was both easier and harder to accept than he would have liked.

  Someone approaching him snapped him out of his thoughts, his heart sinking as he looked up and saw who it was.

  Adriana.

  What the hell was she doing here?

  “What the hell are you doing here?” Isaac asked aloud, glad his voice wasn’t shaking. He remembered their last encounter all too well, and he didn’t really want to talk to her—or, ideally, see her—right now.

  Or ever again, honestly.
He was used to being yelled at, but that had been different.

  “Competing in the tournament, obviously,” she said, gesturing at herself.

  Isaac raised an eyebrow.

  “As an ally, silly,” she said, showing too many teeth as she smiled. It was a vicious, predatory smile that made the hair on the back of Isaac’s neck stand up.

  He couldn’t exactly escape, though. He didn’t have anywhere to go other than back into the locker room, and he didn’t really want to hang around in the dark.

  “I think you’re supposed to not have a problem with the people you’re allied to,” Isaac responded, wishing she’d just go away but knowing that ignoring her wouldn’t help.

  Adriana snorted. “I don’t have a problem with gay people,” she said. “I love them, some of my best friends are gay.”

  “But you do have a problem with bisexuals?”

  Isaac was still getting used to thinking of himself that way, the word awkward in his mouth. Not that he was uncomfortable with it, exactly, just that it was new. Saying it in front of Adriana was a lot worse than thinking it in his head.

  “Not in general. Just you, because it’s bullshit.”

  “It’s not bullshit,” Isaac said, his confidence building. He knew he wasn’t faking this anymore. He didn’t know everything about his own sexuality, but that was okay. He was even starting to believe it was okay to be unsure, but to pick up and use the label anyway.

  Because it felt right. Because he was attracted to women, and he was attracted to Julian, and he really hadn’t hated kissing Tim all the way back when this started, either. And none of those were things he wanted to deny anymore.

  “Yeah it is,” Adriana said. “You’re gonna dump this guy, what’s his name, the minute this tournament is over.”

  “I’m not gonna dump Julian the minute the tournament’s over,” Isaac said calmly, so sure that he didn’t even need to get upset about it. He wanted to keep Julian after this, and he thought that maybe Julian felt the same way.

  Adriana laughed. No, cackled. That was the word for the sound she made.

  Isaac looked down at his feet. She’d always had a way of making him feel like an idiot, even if he hadn’t done anything to feel like an idiot about.

  “Oh, that’s so cute. You think you’re in love with him,” she said.

  “I am in love with him,” Isaac said, his heart pounding as soon as he got the words out. He hadn’t said it out loud yet.

  Hearing it in his own voice made it seem so much more real.

  He was in love with Julian. The thought made his chest feel tight, like there was too much emotion to contain in his body. He felt as though he might burst with it, come apart at the seams trying to hold it in.

  It was a shame he hadn’t said it to Julian first, but it’d be easier now. He’d do it tonight, as soon as they were alone together. There was no point waiting any longer than that.

  “Uh huh,” Adriana said, her tone cold enough to suck the joy right out of Isaac. “Like you’ve loved all your ex-girlfriends, right? You don’t know how to love.”

  Isaac swallowed. He’d never claimed to love them all, but…

  He had been in love with Adriana once. Or at least, he’d thought he was, at the time. He could see now that he’d just been desperate for her approval—approval he was never going to be good enough to have.

  She’d spent most of their time together making him feel like crap.

  Julian hadn’t made him feel like crap even once. Not in the entire time they’d known each other. Julian was the first to lift Isaac up, to dust him off if he failed at something and encourage him to try again.

  The first to tell Isaac that he mattered, and he was good enough, and that he didn’t have to be so hard on himself.

  Julian had loved him one way or another for a long time. Isaac just hoped he could keep that, now that he was finally realizing just how badly he wanted Julian in his life.

  Not just in his life. By his side. Always.

  The feeling was so desperate, so urgent. Isaac could feel himself trembling at the thought.

  Julian meant the world to him.

  “I know how to love,” Isaac insisted. Maybe he wasn’t the world’s greatest boyfriend, but he could learn. And Julian would give him the space to do that, and help him along the way.

  He’d been through a lot of ugly breakups with people he never should have been dating in the first place, but… he was twenty-six. He didn’t have to know everything.

  He just needed someone to love him. Someone who’d let him love them, and let him figure things out at his own pace. He could love, and love with all of his heart, and he planned on proving it.

  “Everything you do is about you, Isaac,” Adriana growled at him, leaning in closer. “You only ever think about yourself, and what you want, and screw everyone else.”

  “What’s your problem with me?” Isaac asked. Sure, they hadn’t exactly parted as friends, but this was more aggressive than he’d ever expected. Than he’d ever experienced, from any other ex.

  “You broke my heart,” Adriana hissed, holding Isaac’s gaze with a venomous glare. “Now it’s my turn to break yours.”

  Before Isaac could draw a breath to ask what the hell that meant, Adriana turned on her heel and strode away, her racquet swinging beside her leg.

  Isaac swallowed. He wasn’t sure what the hell that was about, but he was glad it was over.

  The faintest twinge of worry made the pit of his stomach hurt. What if it wasn’t over?

  There wasn’t much he could do about it, but that wasn’t going to stop him worrying. He expected to hear from her again, and he knew he wouldn’t like whatever she had to say next time any better.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Julian looked up as Mrs. Hudson approached him, sitting down beside him in the seats reserved for Isaac’s guests. They were the only two people on that list, so they had plenty of space to themselves.

  It was nice to have a moment of peace. Julian’s stomach was tied up in knots for Isaac’s sake. He didn’t really care whether Isaac won or lost, but he knew Isaac would.

  That made him nervous. Excited, too, though. He hadn’t seen Isaac play in person since they were in school.

  “Good thing the weather’s holding up for us,” Mrs. Hudson said as she settled in. “I was afraid those clouds earlier might open over the court.”

  “That would have been a shame,” Julian said, though he wasn’t sure he believed that. He wanted Isaac to be happy, sure, but Isaac would have been just as happy to go home and curl up in bed.

  At least, Julian thought he would be.

  Hoped he would be, maybe. He didn’t want to get his hopes up about any of this, but…

  “So how are things with you? Isaac tells me you work in fraud analysis now.”

  Julian nodded. “It’s less exciting than it sounds. I just flag credit card purchases that look a little suspicious. Most of the time, it’s nothing. The rest of the time it’s just kids or petty criminals. One or two stolen identities.”

  “Sounds like you’re confident in it, though,” she said after a moment. “It’s nice to be comfortable. I sometimes wonder if maybe I did the wrong thing, pushing Isaac to pursue tennis.”

  “Not at all,” Julian said immediately. “He loves it. You’ve seen the way he glows out there.”

  Mrs. Hudson smiled a soft, knowing smile that told Julian he’d given himself away. “Well, I hope he’s treating you right,” she said. “And you know you can always come to me if you need to talk. About anything, Isaac included.”

  Julian swallowed. “Thank you, but… we’re just pretending, so it’s been fine.”

  Mrs. Hudson raised an eyebrow. “Honey, I’m old, not stupid,” she said.

  “You’re not old,” Julian responded, partly because it was true, partly because he was trying to wriggle out of this conversation.

  “I remember meeting a boy of thirteen who was so devoted to my son that I couldn’t
help loving him, too,” Mrs. Hudson began, her voice just loud enough for Julian—and no one else—to hear. “And I can see that you’ve grown up into a thoughtful, sensible young man.”

  Julian snorted. “I dunno about that,” he said, even as his insides melted. People didn’t go out of their way to say nice things about him often.

  “I do,” Mrs. Hudson said in a tone that didn’t leave any space for argument. “And I’ve seen how much happier Isaac is with you in his life. I’m glad the two of you found each other again.”

  Shifting in his seat, Julian gathered up the courage to look Mrs. Hudson in the eye. Her whole face was open, and warm, and she was smiling such a fond smile that Julian couldn’t help returning it.

  “I like you,” she said. “And I like you for Isaac. What I’m saying is… I promise not to cry too much at the wedding.”

  “I doubt there’s gonna be a wedding,” Julian said. “This is supposed to be temporary.”

  Mrs. Hudson sighed. “I’ve never seen Isaac-”

  She was cut off by the call for quiet, so Julian never found out what she’d never seen in Isaac before.

  Wishful thinking made Julian want to believe that she’d been about to say that Isaac had never been happier. Or more in love, deep down in his heart.

  He wanted Isaac to be in love with him. Of course he did. He’d wanted that since they were just kids, and Julian was just starting to figure out what it meant that he liked boys.

  He just knew better than to get his hopes up. Isaac had his pick of whoever he wanted, he’d only come to Julian because he knew he could trust him.

  And Julian valued that trust. More than anything else they’d had between them, that was the thing that made him happiest.

  Not that the sex hadn’t been great, and not that he didn’t love the simple joy of Isaac’s company, but the trust meant a lot. Isaac spent his life in the spotlight, and Julian was glad he had somewhere to go to get away from all that.

  It was stupid to let himself believe that maybe Isaac’s mom could see something he couldn’t, but he wanted to believe. Wanted to think that maybe this wasn’t all going to be over after the weekend.