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That night I got dressed in some of my nicer clothes, black dress pants, and a classy looking pale blue V-neck long sleeved top. It was only appropriate for a memorial service to not wear all black; that would be something to wear to a funeral and we did not hold funerals. When I walked into Kiran's room I found it difficult to move around; there were so many Resurrectors crammed into the relatively small space. I guess it was fitting as both Bem and Alena were well known around here. Everyone knew them and respected them. Then again, I wondered why they hadn’t planned to have the memorial somewhere else that could accommodate more people. I shook my head slightly, dispatching those thoughts. I needed to focus on finding my friends in the crowd.
"Tamesis, you came," Sitara's voice somehow still carried across the room as she fought through the crowd, making her way towards me. Her pale blond hair was pulled back out of her face in a loose ponytail that was tossed over one shoulder. She was dressed in an all-black dress that was borderline inappropriate considering its short length. It definitely made her stand out from everyone else who seemed to have thought the same as I did and were in somewhat subdued colors. "Are you feeling better?"
I gave her a small smile and forced myself to nod. "I told you I would be here." I paused and looked at her. How little her faith in me was. I almost couldn't believe it. "I'm feeling a little better. It's nothing that a little more rest won't fix." There was truth in my words, though I knew that I still needed even more rest and it was unlikely that I would be able to catch up on that anytime soon. Having two great Resurrectors gone was sure to give the rest of us a few more charges each.
She nodded. "Good. We were all worried about you." As she spoke I almost believed what she was saying; there was the slightest hint of concern in her voice, but it was her gaze that alerted me to the fact that for once she was actually restraining her feelings quite a bit. I wondered if she was trying to be civil because of where we were. No matter how much I knew and cared about my friends, I somehow didn’t believe that Sitara would refrain from drama just because she was attending a memorial for someone else.
"I told you guys that I was fine. There really isn't anything to worry about. I’ve just been working a lot lately and I probably need to take it easy and rest some more."
"Obviously something is going on because there’s something you’re not telling us. Don't try and hide it, Tam. I can see it in your eyes. You're changing, whether you think so or not, and instead of letting us help you, you're running away. Let us in. We can help." She said the words but they sounded hollow, forced in a way that I had come to expect from her. At the same time I respected that she was at least trying to go through the motions of a truly good friend.
I shook my head, wishing it would diffuse the situation. No matter what answer I gave Sitara would probably over-react and this evening was not about us. Perhaps reminding her of that would get her to back off for a short time. "Can we not start an argument about this now? We are here to remember Alena and Bem. That should be the only thing that matters. We can discuss it later."
"We can but you won't," Sitara pointed out.
I sighed and looked around the room. Once again, Sitara pointed out the truth because I honestly did not want to discuss anything involving me with them. All through the room there were people engaged in conversation, the signs of concern written over all of their faces. They were upset about the losses of Alena and Bem and the possibility that we could lose more of us. No one knew what was going on and it worried them. I could only wonder if the Leaders would tell us anything. We had a right to whatever information they had, especially if it could help us stay safe, to protect ourselves.
"Tam?"
I shook my head and looked back at Sitara, focusing on her even though my desire to be around her or even in this room had vanished. "I'm sorry." There was nothing else I could say or that I wanted to say. I turned and left the room without looking back. I wasn't like the rest of them and I didn’t belong in a large group setting; I didn't get along with everyone there. For too many years I had heard the comments they made behind my back. I was an outcast, not really belonging with anyone here. The Leaders praised the work I had done but many thought I was a brown nose or a charity case.
If only they knew what all I was capable of. My extra studies made me stronger, extended the range of my abilities. But I couldn't tell them that, even if I occasionally wondered if saying something would accomplish anything. If I told the truth it was likely that there would still be those who would make some kind of snide remark about it and I imagined there would also be a number of people who didn’t believe it. The Leaders already put me up on a pedestal because I wasn't restricted in healing and I could only imagine what they would say when told of my latest heal, if I told them about it.
I walked out to our small courtyard and sat down on one of the benches. There was a rather large tree that took up a majority of the space and then four benches were placed in an almost circular manner around the tree. The bench I sat on was the one that faced away from the doorway. I didn’t want to see what was going on inside. The brisk late autumn air didn't even bother me and I found myself relaxing a little at the chill. There was only a faint sign of goose bumps on my arms. That was another thing that made me different from the other Resurrectors. They all preferred warmer climates, which was why the courtyard was empty this time of year. It made the space a perfect hideaway for me.
I appreciated the solitude and really enjoyed it. As much as I tried to fit in with the others, I just couldn't do it. I didn't really know Bem or Alena well enough to go into that room and reminisce with the others. It didn't feel right to me. There was no use in trying to hold conversations in there when I didn't belong with them. It had been silly for me to agree to go, knowing that I had never attended a memorial before.
"What are you doing out here? You're going to freeze yourself to death."
The statement broke me out of my thoughts and I looked over to see Damir standing in one of the entrances to the courtyard. Naturally, of all of my friends, Damir was the one who noticed that I had left the memorial service. Sometimes he could be quite perceptive. I gave him the smallest of smiles and then shrugged. "I don't mind the cold." That much was obvious since I didn’t have a long-sleeved shirt, a sweater, or a jacket on.
He walked over slowly and sat down next to me, tugging his jacket on. I could see that he was already shivering and I almost wanted to joke about that, but it still felt wrong with the memorial going on such a short distance away. After a moment Damir shifted on the bench so he was almost facing me. "I know. You've always done things a little differently than everyone else. It has made you unique, more of a queen than a drone in the hive."
I smiled over at him, appreciating the compliment, but then I shook my head. "That's kind of you to say but I'm not unique, I'm strange." Uniqueness was celebrated but when everyone thought you were strange then every day felt like torture.
"That's not it at all. You do things your own way and the Leaders let you. Everyone else restricts themselves by the rules so if one of us tried to do what you do, we would be reprimanded for it."
"No. The fact that I do things differently keeps me separated from everyone else. They make me feel…unworthy, unimportant." I could actually be almost honest with Damir. He was always supportive and right now maybe that was what I needed.
"Tam," he said gently. "They're jealous of the power you have. You said it yourself earlier today; you've never lost a charge. You have the best record of all the Resurrectors ever. In all the lessons we went through do you ever remember being told that we could save every single charge? No, because we were all told that we could save most but sometimes no matter how much we put into a heal, it wouldn’t hold. The others wish they could say they had a perfect record because then they would have something to boast about. You've shown that you're better than them because you don't draw attention to all of the times you succeed."
I shook my
head, hearing his words but not allowing them to sink in. "I was in school longer than all of them. I would hardly call that a success. And because I'm not all bubbly happy like they all are most of the time, most people don't even want to spend time with me."
He reached over and grabbed my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "You have a few friends that really care about you. Don't worry about everyone else." He paused and gazed over at me, his blue eyes locking onto my gaze. I blinked a few times as I took it all in. Why hadn't I noticed just how close he had sat down next to me, or the fact that he had apparently leaned a little closer? And he couldn’t even try to use the excuse that it was cold and he was trying to stay warm.
I wrenched my hand away from his and stood up, backing away from him. This was not happening to me. I had no interest in Damir, at least not in that way. In that moment the image of a face, one with spiky black hair and dark blue eyes crossed my mind and I had to shake my head to clear my thoughts. Now was definitely not the time to think about him. "Damir, I'm going to do you a favor and go back to my room now. And just in case you hadn't realized it yet, Sitara likes you." I turned and walked away, leaving him sitting on the bench in the courtyard. I didn’t even care what he did after that, but I knew that for the rest of the day I didn’t want to be around any other Resurrectors. If a charge needed me then that was fine but otherwise I wanted to be completely alone.
Once in my room I locked my door. What was going on around here? Everything seemed to be changing completely. Resurrectors were dying, my friends were acting rather strangely, and the Leaders were being even more elusive than ever. Clearly something or someone was messing with us but no one was doing anything about it. Well, I guess I couldn’t say that. What if the Leaders were holed up in their chambers working on a solution? It was possible, though unlikely.
I kicked off my shoes and collapsed on my bed, burying my head in my pillow. In my gut I knew that more would be happening now and it would change everything around us, everything we thought we knew. I couldn't help but think that the Resurrectors were going to be falling into a downward spiral, one that they possibly wouldn't recover from. Was that what this was all about? Was someone trying to eliminate all of the Resurrectors?
Who was killing Resurrectors and how many more were going to perish?
"What is going on?" I asked the room. I wanted answers. The only thing that seemed to pop in my mind was that this was some kind of setup from the side of Death; it seemed like the kind of underhanded tricks an advocate of Death would do. Who else would want to kill a Resurrector?
"All will be revealed." It was whispered, a hushed noise, yet it carried around the room and sent a shiver down my spine. I sat up and looked around at my familiar furniture. No, my closet door stood open and with only a small handful of outfits in it, I could easily see that nobody was hiding in there. My desk sat in the corner, covered in books and journals printed for and by Resurrectors. I liked to read about how others viewed the healing process and what they experienced. I had no television, there were no posters of human celebrities on my walls. Instead there were a couple photographs hanging up on each wall, detailing the seasons: a forest in fall, a flower garden in spring, a beach in the summer, and a barn in winter. Sometimes I really liked to look at them. But no matter where I looked there was no one there. If that was the case then who was answering me? Was I just tired and imagining things?
"You shall know the truth soon enough."
It sent shivers down my spine yet again. The words didn't sound promising at all but this time I could tell that it was a feminine voice. In fact it made me think that there would only be many more deaths coming. Only with more deaths would any answers be given.
I didn't want people to die but this was starting to get to me. I wanted to know what was going on around here. Couldn't there be a way to get answers without losing lives?
I don't know how long I sat there looking around my room but I heard nothing else. Eventually I lay back down and stared up at my ceiling. Though I was tired I found that I couldn't fall asleep.
Instead I just closed my eyes and tried to see if I could figure any of this out.
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Project Death: Resurrection Page 8