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When I woke sometime later and looked around the room, I felt more rested than I had in quite some time. Though I didn't know how long I had slept, it had been nice…and rather surreal. I was so accustomed to being awakened by a charge's call and I had not heard the jingle since that day at the mall. Even stranger than that, I had not dreamt at all, an oddity since I had gotten used to frequent dreams about Thanos. I sat up and my stomach let loose a loud grumble, alerting me to its empty status. It made me think of how long it had actually been since I had last had anything to eat.
That's when I noticed the tray of food sitting on the bedside table. It brought a smile to my face and I grabbed the tray, pulling it over to me and setting it down in my lap. Thanos must have brought it in while I was sleeping, knowing I would be hungry when I woke. And then my mind went off on a different trail of thought and I felt as if I could slap myself. In all the time I had spent learning the meaning of names I should have realized it sooner. Thanos was a Greek name meaning "Death." Wait…did that mean that he was Death, not simply an associate?
To distract myself I looked down at the food in my lap. The tray was loaded with fruits and slices of fresh bread. There was also some cooked shrimp and assorted vegetables. Since I didn't know which I wanted to eat first, I started out with a bite of everything. The fruit was fresh and the juicy sweetness made me grin. It was refreshing. The shrimp was tossed in a sauce that was sweet at first but masked a nice back heat, which I actually loved. And the vegetables were seasoned with very little, just oil, salt, and pepper but were steamed perfectly. Liking what I tasted I then dug into all of it, finishing after only a few minutes. I set the tray back down on the table, sank back into my mound of pillows, and looked around the room once more, already starting to feel a little restless. Resting was not a strength for me.
I needed to get out of here. I had never been one to be able to sit around and do nothing. Swinging my legs out from under the covers and to the side of the bed, I eased myself to the ground, testing myself for a moment to make sure that I could stand. Apparently, the rest Thanos told me to get had rejuvenated me. I felt better than I had in months.
It was after standing up that I saw what I was still wearing…my Resurrector robe. Of course just looking at the robe made me think back to the hearing and how they had seemed to believe that I was capable of killing Resurrectors. Sure, I hadn't followed the rules all the time but when I broke the rules it was for the well-being of my charges. It just left me with a queasy feeling in my gut. They were my friends and family and yet they had turned their backs on me.
Plus there was so much from there that had made my life difficult. I always did feel separated from everyone else. I looked different. My mood swings usually kept people away from me. I remembered all the weird looks and the taunting because of my extra schooling. Was that really the kind of lifestyle I wanted? Could I say I really enjoyed it? Sure it was nice to have such an important job but it wasn't like I really received much praise for all I did. I ripped off the robe as quickly as I could and smashed it into a ball before I threw it across the room, not even caring where it landed. The rage I felt in that moment made me actually hate the Leaders and the Resurrectors, and it left me unsure of what to do with myself. I had never felt so angry in my life.
"Well that certainly is one way to handle that."
I looked over in the doorway and saw Thanos standing there, leaning against the frame, completely relaxed and somehow he seemed to expect my reaction. He couldn’t have seen this before; I could recall no Resurrector defecting in this way. Wait, was I already thinking of completely turning my back on them? Could I? Healing was so much a part of me. "I'm sorry. I just didn't see any point in having it anymore."
He nodded as if he understood perfectly. "I felt the same way once, when I left my previous profession to come here."
I blinked a few times as I glanced over at him. It was a slight shock to hear that he hadn't always worked as an advocate of Death or as Death, whoever he was in the hierarchy. I actually felt better that he had once had a different lifestyle than this, away from all the darkness associated with the profession. It didn't seem like a job that people would be lining up to do.
"You look surprised," he commented easily. It made me wonder if he had had this conversation before. "Did you think that I have been Death my entire life?"
I shook my head, giving myself a moment to compose myself. My thoughts and emotions were swirling around like a storm, wanting to spiral out of control, but this was something I could force down. I always had. Realizing that it had been silent too long, I spoke, trying my best to brush off his question. "I hoped that wasn't the case. It seems like a rather depressing job."
"It can be at times, but the only ones who ever see us are the people on Death's door and the Resurrectors. It is more of a lonely existence than anything." He still hadn’t moved from his spot in the doorway. It made me question his distance when before he had sat at my bedside.
I looked at him, honestly surprised at his answer. In my time as a Resurrector I could never say that it had been lonely. We always had the other Resurrectors around us. We trained together, worked together, and most times groups of friends moved on together. I had thought that I would follow that same path, moving on after a nice long term of service. Even when everyone else had spoken against me, my friends had been there for me. Now though I didn't know what was to come of my life. I did know that I was in for a big change. "How so?" I asked. "Certainly there must be others here." He couldn’t be the only one.
At that he shook his head. "There is only myself and the Angel of Death. Of course, the selected Angel of Death never sticks around for more than a few years. It is not nearly enough time to truly grow close to a person. They mostly spend their time working so they can satisfy their contract and move on."
I walked over towards him and placed my hand over one of his, once again feeling that shocking jolt move through my body at the contact. Why did that happen every time we touched? "I'm sorry." He looked into my eyes and for a few moments neither of us moved or said anything. "Does that mean that I'm the new Angel of Death?" I asked softly. Perhaps it wouldn’t be the worst change of occupation for me. I could potentially do some good here. Now it seemed like things were coming together. I had discovered why Thanos had never harmed me and had even protected me from the latest string of deaths. He knew what I was to become.
He let out a deep breath, causing his nostrils to flare out slightly. "Yes, it does. Typically an Angel of Death will work for five years, though some have extended that contract to up to ten years. The last Angel of Death was working to collect enough souls to keep his own from burning in Hell. The decision is up to you really. I know it must be difficult for you, especially considering what you were raised to do. No Angel recruit has ever come from a Resurrector facility before."
I squeezed his hand, wishing I could do more to reassure him. I knew that he was basically a stranger but I felt as if I knew him and I wished I could heal his suffering as easily as I had my charges. For some reason I didn't really think of my life as a Resurrector in this moment. They had dismissed me, sentenced me to death and that knowledge stung greatly. If I were to be completely honest I had never truly felt at home there anyway. Perhaps I had been too different. "What sounds reasonable to you?"
"Considering your background I would suggest five years, the minimum. I do not know how well you will adjust to this, if you ever do. It has never been my wish to force people to stay longer than is comfortable." His approach was far different from my former bosses and spoke of his struggles and…I thought maybe his own desire for acceptance.
It sounded almost like a challenge to me. I had never run from a challenge before and I wasn't about to start now. It was built into me. Besides, in my years as a Resurrector I couldn't deny all the differences I had noticed, all the things that set me off from the others. In that moment I made my decision and accepted what I was going to do.
Maybe this opportunity came to me for a reason and I wasn't going to run away. No, I would do the best job I could for the time I agreed to. It would probably be difficult. I wasn't raised to make sure people died but deep down I felt that I was meant to do this. "Okay, write up the contract."
He nodded and pulled his hand away from mine. I thought I detected the sadness in his eyes and it made me feel for him. Things had not been easy for Thanos at all. He really didn't have true companions like the Resurrectors did. He could never get close to anyone because they all left. He had said most accepted a five year term. I remembered what life was like before Alaula and Kiran first befriended me. It was hell to try and live with that kind of loneliness and if I could alleviate some of that burden, didn’t I have an obligation to do so?
"Thanos," I said, stopping him before he could walk out the door. "One alteration though. Sign me up for fifteen years." It seemed like a decent enough time length.
He just stared at me with wide dark blue eyes. After a minute or two he seemed to regain his composure and he stood up completely straight. "You do not know what you are agreeing to." His tone concerned me but I had to continue on.
"Yes, I do. I'm agreeing to work for fifteen years as the Angel of Death. Then after that, we'll see what happens. I was one of the best the Resurrectors had but they never really accepted me because I was different. My gut is telling me that I was different because I was meant to work here. Sure, it may take a little time to adjust but I'm dedicated to my work. You'll see." I felt confident in myself and I hoped Thanos would understand that.
Thanos stepped back over towards me, an action that sent a feeling of déjà vu into my mind. The last time he had stood like this—inches from me with his gaze down-turned—had been at the mall. "Tamesis…" He paused and just gazed down at me. Why was I starting to fantasize this as a scene in a romance movie? I began to imagine that he would reach up and touch my cheek and then he would gently pull me against him and kiss me. I blinked and tried to think of something else. The blame for it all fell on Sitara; she was obsessed with romance books and movies. If we ever met again in a friendly setting I would yell at her for giving me such thoughts. "The contract is specially built and once it is complete you will move on. There will not be any seeing what happens after that. You are in essence giving yourself fifteen years to prepare to move on." Thanos’s words snapped me out of my thoughts and chilled me to my core. Once again I felt frozen in place, which was good since it was possible I would collapse otherwise.
My body was screaming. I did not want it to be like that. That wasn't what I really wanted but…what did I want? I couldn't make a decision, not now. How could I be expected to choose the length of my life right now? I wasn’t ready, nor did I think I would ever be ready. I had always dreamed of working as long as I could, waiting until they were forced to pull me from the field. Clearly working with Death meant a wildly different set of rules.
"I…I don't want that. It's not enough time," I stated calmly. Or, as calmly as I could manage at that moment. I thought my voice wavered, revealing a weakness I didn’t appreciate. There was still so much I wanted to do with my life. I actually wanted to reach a point when I could consider not working as hard and I could start a family. That couldn't happen with only fifteen years left. Well, it could, but it would mean starting a family immediately.
He gazed down at me and I barely noticed that he had raised his hand to brush my hair back behind my ear. It was almost exactly what I had imagined a few moments ago and that pulled me away from the depressing tendrils of thought threatening to trap me. I was lost in his eyes, like two twin pools of deep water. A tingle swept through my body and I noted that my hands were clammy and my mouth felt dry. To moisten at least my lips I ran my tongue over them, at the same time wishing I had a glass of water.
Thanos pulled away from me and turned to look out in the hallway even though I was pretty sure nobody was there. "I shall write up a contract," he murmured. "You cannot start your training until we have both signed it."
Then, without even waiting for a response, he walked away. I was left standing alone, staring at the empty doorway. My chest tightened and I felt completely helpless as a sob escaped me. I should have gone after him and said something. This couldn't be the beginning of the end of my life. I wasn't ready. The Leaders’ sentence almost seemed generous due to its haste. With this contract I would know with all certainty that my time was limited and the end was drawing near.
I moved over to the wall and rested my back against it before sliding to the floor. It wasn't even worth it to fight off the tears. I welcomed them as they slipped out and slid down my cheeks. There was nobody around to watch as I lost control and fell apart. This was a mess, a disaster. There had to be a way out of this, a loophole that would keep me from moving on when my contract was fulfilled. I had fifteen years to figure that out, and it was just enough hope to help me pull myself together slightly.
I had never felt this torn before. It was something I couldn't describe and I also had no idea how to fix it. The separation was forming a void, one that I felt a desperate need to fill. It was a problem and I needed to get answers before I burst.
However, instead of getting up, I continued to sit on the floor, crying almost uncontrollably. A dam within me had burst, releasing everything I had held inside for years. I wrapped my arms around myself as if I thought that could help. What was happening to me? I had felt down and depressed before but this was much worse and for reasons I didn't understand or even know.
It was then that I really wished I could talk to Alaula and Sitara. Maybe they would know what was going on and could help me since I obviously couldn't help myself. I wanted to just curl up in a ball and fade away. They had both always been so open about their feelings, something I thought made them seem weak or needy. But maybe the truth was that in those moments they had drawn strength from their friends, the people who could support them.
I don't even know how long I sat there on the floor, crying and rocking back and forth. It didn't even really matter to me. My time was limited anyway and, even though I didn't want to think about that, it wouldn't leave my thoughts. My life was ending. How was I supposed to accept that and move on? It was the second time in only a few days that I found myself facing the possibility of death.
Did I deserve to die? Then again, how many people actually deserved to die? Maybe that was the point. We never knew when we were going to die and as such we needed to live our lives to the fullest while we still could. That way, when we did die, we would have lived full lives, knowing that we didn't sit around and waste our time. Yet that was exactly what I was doing, wasting time. I could try and brush it off, saying that until Thanos returned I was without purpose, but it wouldn’t do much good. All I could do was dwell on death and what it meant.
To those that were close to someone, the death of that person only served to create a length of time for immense sadness and reflection, with the hope to show others how fleeting life was and how quickly it could end. It hopefully motivated others to make something of their lives.
"Tamesis?"
I didn't even look up; I didn't want to. It had to be Thanos with the contract and I didn’t want to enter into an arrangement that meant my death. Wait, the contract was only valid if I signed it. I didn't have to. Then we could write up a different one, one that would give me more time. I could rip it up and refuse to accept the terms of the contract. That was the best plan I had come up with so far.
"Hey, Tamesis," he said softly. "Talk to me. What is going on? What is wrong?"
I shook my head, still refusing to look up. I didn't want to see that strong jaw, those alluring eyes, none of it. I didn’t want to be distracted by how I felt when I looked at him. He moved closer to me and I knew where he was, just by feeling the heat radiating from his body. Thanos was now sitting beside me and I felt him rest an arm across my shoulders. It sent an even larger shock through my system. I should have shrugged his arm off, mo
ved away from him or something, but I didn't. Instead I found myself leaning into him, feeling the heat from his body as it seemed to move into me, filling me with warmth.
Slowly I looked over at him. "I don't want this to be the end of my life. I'm not ready for that." The words were spoken softly and I could feel that I was trembling slightly. I had never felt this way before, so vulnerable and weak. And yet Thanos was right beside me, his presence comforting despite the fact that he was there with my death order, basically.
"I know. Trust me, I do know that." His voice was like a verbal caress, making some of my sadness dissipate. As I looked at him he raised his other hand and wiped my tears away. "That is why I have done something I had never even considered before. I wrote up your contract and I think you are going to like it."
I started to say something, to protest that I wouldn't like anything that would signal a death date but he moved his hand to place a gloved finger over my lips. This time the contact made me jump back. His touch was electric yet part of me like it. "Shh. Just let me say this, please. It is an open ended contract, meaning there is no set day for your last day. You can stay for as long or as short of a time as you wish. Like I said before, I do not want to pressure you into anything, and I know that this would have been one huge decision to think about. So don't worry about it; you can decide when you want to move on."
I sat there, unable to move. In fact, as I looked at him it was as if I noticed how close we were together. I looked away from him, taking a deep breath as if that would help calm me down. Every time he was near me or even looked at me I lost control. It was like my body was betraying me.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked slowly. I felt that I needed, no I deserved to know why he was treating me differently. He had said that this contract was something he had never considered before. And he hadn't killed me at my hearing. Then there was also the fact that whenever we met before this he had left me alone. Obviously it all had to mean something.
Thanos gave me a small smile. "You are extremely unique, Tamesis. The Leaders recognized it, the other Resurrectors feared it, and I welcome it. I have a good feeling about you as the new Angel of Death. I have noticed it for quite some time now. The last Angel of Death told me about you and how you were not like the other Resurrectors. I know that you can heal without touching and that you pulled a soul back even after he thought he had collected already. That has not been heard of before." The look he was giving me was one of awe and amazement, as if I was something special and priceless. If I hadn’t been sitting, his look might have made my knees go weak.
He paused for a few moments. "And if you worked that hard as a Resurrector then how are you going to do as the Angel of Death? I look forward to seeing what happens and I do not want you to think that you have to rush around for the time that you have signed in your contract. With an open ended contract you can work when you want and for however long you want."
His offer was incredibly generous and put me in charge of my own fate, giving me a sense of power I hadn’t felt before. It was remarkable. I honestly had no idea what I could say that would show how grateful I was for this. The Leaders certainly had never done something like this. It just gave me even more proof that he was nothing like them. "Thank you, Thanos." The words did not seem big enough to convey how I felt.
He nodded. "You are most welcome. Now, I should probably go and leave you to look over your contract. When you have signed it we can get started with your tour of the facility and then begin your training." He pulled away from me and stood up. Then he held out a large envelope with what I assumed was the contract inside. I took it from him and he walked out of the room, leaving me alone once more.
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Project Death: Resurrection Page 18