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It was all just too much to take in. I had never imagined that things would have turned out this way. Everything that was going on was all because of me. I had to be the best Resurrector there was and prove that I was more than my name. That hadn't gone as planned and then I became the Angel of Death. I thought then that I had found my niche and that I would be able to relax but then the Leaders had used me to get to Death and now the whole Balance of the world was in trouble. It was all entirely my fault.
I turned away from Adrienne and began to walk off before disappearing in that swirling mist on my way to Death's facility. I appeared in the study and moved over to Thanos' chair before sitting down in it. As I thought about it, I realized that Adrienne was probably right. What did I know of love anyway? I knew only what I saw from glimpses of memories as I healed people and from all those silly movies Sitara and Alaula had made me watch. From what I had gathered there were many kinds of love: the love of family, the love shared between friends, and the love of a partner. In books love always seemed to be this intense emotion, one that swept over you and gave you all these warm and fuzzy feelings.
Honestly I had never really felt it myself. With Thanos I felt an unavoidable tug and when I was with him I couldn't control myself. I could say with certainty that he is attractive but that didn't necessarily mean anything. What I couldn't explain was what I felt when he touched me, that jolt of energy. It wasn't exactly painful but I don't know if I would call it pleasant. Was that feeling love? We're supposed to love our parents but I didn't know them enough to really have any inclination towards them.
Resurrectors were only nurtured by their mother until they are old enough to start eating solid foods. Typically at that time a Resurrector mother would move on or return to their duties as a Resurrector. The children were then raised by a special division of Resurrectors, ones that are meant to be our teachers until we start school with the Leaders. I learned from a young age not to develop any sort of attachment to anyone. If we grew too close to one of our teachers then we were separated from them. The only thing we were encouraged to feel was a desire to heal and a pull to help all of our charges. Even without completely fitting in, I had excelled with that. Being set apart from everyone probably even helped me feel that unavoidable pleasant rush that accompanied a successful heal. It was all I really needed to be fulfilled.
Only once we had reached school with the Leaders, and actually mostly the older Resurrectors hired in by the Leaders to teach were we actually allowed to develop friendships. Of course, school started when we were seven years old and we were all swept away into learning how to use and control our abilities. A number of the friendships developed due to the level of skill shown by the Resurrectors-in-training, as well as to people with similar ideas of healing theories. To think about it, Resurrector training was far too intensive for what we were actually doing. Why did we need to study for a decade to practice an ability we had grown up with?
Then again, why was I making the Reapers hold back? I knew they were as ready as they could be, and Adrienne had more than proved that back at the retirement center. She had probably handled it far faster and better than I could have imagined in such a short amount of training. It was time to just move on; if I didn't free them for duty now then I would be no better than the Leaders and I certainly didn’t want that. I still hated them for how they treated everyone while claiming to be all about long life and health.
Besides, I could feel that I was falling behind. I could not handle Thanos' list, my list, and training the Reapers all at the same time. It was too much. All this stress connected to defeating the enemy needed to end and it needed to be soon. Neither side was gaining any control. Balance was still firmly in place and nothing the Leaders did was going to change that. I certainly wouldn’t let them. As long as I could, I would ensure that Balance remained, that those meant to live were able to while those meant to die passed on to the afterlife. I did not want to handle this situation like the Leaders would. The Reapers deserved the truth and frankly I needed their help.
Slowly I stood up, headed out of the study, and went down the hall towards the training area. Walking into the training library I found the Reapers except Adrienne all bent over books, studying as I had told them to. "Lilith, Gabe, Rick, Kerri," I said as I looked on from just inside the doorway.
They all looked over at me and I could see curiosity written all over their faces. I honestly didn't blame them as I had been busy working after I went through their basic training. In some ways it seemed like I was abandoning them, withdrawing from everyone and everything except my job. That wasn't something I wanted to do but it seemed to be my natural reaction. I tried to look at each of them before I spoke. "It has come to my attention that you guys are ready to be released for field work. I'm confident in your abilities and it's time you get out there and put all of your training to use. Over the past couple of weeks I have been using my extremely limited free time to work on mimicking my scroll so all of you can see the death list."
I moved to the other side of the room and opened up a drawer, pulling out five scrolls that were slightly smaller than mine. I was quite proud of the scrolls. I never would have thought that I was capable of taking such a huge leadership role. For a split second I had to wonder if I would have moved into a leadership role as a Resurrector. But that wasn't even worth thinking about now. I was the Angel of Death and that was what mattered. "After you finish a job, make sure you check the list again. Sometimes it may change if a person's circumstances change. A higher priority job may move up to the top of your list." That was important to remember. Sometimes the list changed rapidly, especially if someone was traveling that fine line between living and dying.
None of them said a thing as I passed out the scrolls. "You basically set your own hours now but I highly advise that you don't slack off. Each soul has a window of time in which to be reaped. The positions you find yourselves in are unique ones and it is not all that easy to replace you. When you finish up your contract terms then you will move on to whatever there is after this life."
"Not that I'm questioning your decision but why now?" Rick asked, looking over at me.
"Adrienne pointed out a few things to me. I was holding all of you back and making you train more when it wasn't necessary. There are other situations I need to deal with." I didn't want to admit to them that the real reason was because I had realized that I was beginning to act like the Leaders, at least in a small way.
"Like getting Thanos back?" Kerri commented, her light blue eyes seeming to pierce through me knowingly. Was it really that obvious? It seemed that everyone knew the depths of my attraction to Thanos. But did he know? That question hovered in the air, unspoken and unanswered.
"Exactly. While you are dealing with all the souls, I will be working on getting Thanos back from the Leaders."
"It won't be easy, Tamesis," Adrienne said, walking into the room. "The Leaders may expect that you will try to save him."
I shook my head. "No, they won't. The Leaders know how dedicated I am to my work. In a crisis I fall back into the same old habits, working non-stop just to keep everything as it should be. They wouldn't think of me recruiting in a new classification on the side of Death to assist with these duties." And the best part was that it was completely true. But things were different now. I didn't need to overwork. Fate would make sure that everything worked out. I was still coming to terms with it, with not taking everything into my own hands. Others could do the work and it would be fine.
"So what are you going to do? Just waltz right into the Resurrector facility and demand that they release Thanos. You know it won't be that easy." There was something about Adrienne that I didn't quite understand. She enjoyed poking, prodding, and pushing my buttons. Why was she doing it? Why was she taking such an interest in me? I had too many questions but right now the questions she asked were more important.
"I don't know what to do. I think it will be best if I ju
st wing it and hope everything works out. They can't kill him; Resurrectors don't do that."
"Before you do anything to save Thanos, you need to rest. Trust me, Tam. We can handle the duties of Death for a few hours. Without sleep you won't be able to help anyone," Adrienne pointed out.
"But, I…"
She shook her head. "No. Go back to your room. I can handle this."
I sighed. There she went again, turning into the boss and acting like a mother would to a stubborn child. However, she was right about me needing rest. "Fine, but I want a progress report when I wake up." Then I turned and headed out of the training library before going to my room. I took a shower and changed into my pajamas before sliding into bed and pulling the covers around myself. In the past weeks I had lost track of the amount of sleep I had gotten. If Thanos knew about any of this he certainly wouldn't be happy about it. Nothing had changed in all the months I had been here; he always wanted me to be well rested and healthy.
The Leaders never cared if we over-worked and didn't take care of ourselves. They put the job and our duties above everything else. They had to since they were so adamant about saving life. With Thanos it was completely different. Though the job was important to maintain Balance, health and sanity were even more important. People were meant to live and they were meant to die. We only had a small amount of control over what happened. What was important was controlling our own lives, to keep ourselves as healthy as possible.
Of course that could also have something to do with the fact that he hadn't killed me as he had with every other Angel of Death. That still had me thinking. How was it that I could do the duties required of me when he hadn't finished the process to actually make me the Angel of Death? All I could think of was that I had always been different from the other Resurrectors so maybe that meant things were different for me as the Angel of Death as well.
Once I managed to free Thanos from the Leaders I would have to ask him what he thought of all of it. Certainly he at least had a few theories about what was going on. I closed my eyes and tried to clear my thoughts. With my mind racing I couldn't exactly get to sleep. After several moments I managed to at least slow my thoughts down to one statement that repeated over and over again: I would free Thanos soon.
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Project Death: Resurrection Page 33