Chapter Fifteen
Death was just as peaceful as I wished it would be. It felt as if I did nothing but drift off to sleep. I was content, a shocking fact considering just how tightly I had clung to life, wanting a longer contract with Thanos so I could live a full life. Somehow that didn't matter anymore. I had saved Thanos and I knew that was my purpose. He would be able to continue on and he would have the Reapers to help him while he searched for a new Angel of Death. Everything was how it was meant to and I felt decently content. I was rising up out of my body and moving on. Or, at least, that's what I thought was going on.
I didn't know if I was moving or not. Though I had reaped numerous souls, I had never exactly figured out what happened as the soul was crossing over or where it went after the process. At least here for me everything seemed to be in slow motion and every movement seemed to take much longer to execute. It was like I was trying to move through waist-deep mud. But in this moment I couldn’t be bothered by it as I just seemed to float around in the nothingness surrounding me. I felt certain that wherever I was just happened to be the path to where souls went after they had left their bodies.
Then I felt a sharp jolt and the peaceful floaty world disappeared for a moment, replaced by a sharp pain in my chest that radiated through my physical body. For a moment it seemed that I was pulled back into my body though that didn’t last long. It faded a second later and I was returned to the peace of death. It was interrupted again and again in a steady pattern. Then the peace disappeared and instead I was surrounded by a rather loud thumping sound. It had a nice rhythmic tempo to it and I was hypnotized by the beat to the point where I didn't feel the pain of the shocks that came through my body over and over again.
My chest heaved upwards and suddenly I felt very grounded, no longer floating. It was strangely disturbing because I had felt happy in the ether. I felt myself cough a few times and then I opened my eyes and saw Thanos bent over me. He pulled away from me and sighed in relief. Then I watched as he put his right glove back on, though in that brief moment I did confirm that there was no deformity there. Strange that only when I had lost connection with my body that I finally saw him without gloves, or one glove anyway. Why did he have a glove off? I had never seen that happen before. I tried to reach out for him to let him know that I was all right but found that I couldn't move. My whole body felt so heavy and I felt drained of energy. What was going on? This was extremely strange and I couldn’t say that I liked it one bit.
"Just rest, Tam. You almost died," Thanos said. His voice sounded strained but I could also tell that he was once more filled with life. And here he was saying that I almost died. It wasn't almost, I thought. Part of me acknowledged that I had died, that the peaceful floaty world with no cares or worries was the gateway to the afterlife.
No, I couldn't rest. Even if I couldn't move I could still see that I was laying in the meeting room of the Resurrector facilities. We needed to leave, to go home. I had no way of saying any of this. I stared up at Thanos, trying to get him to understand that he needed to go back home. I had done all of this for him so he would not need to suffer at the hands of the Leaders any longer. I didn’t know what they had done to him, but seeing the state he had been in, I was certain that it hadn’t been good.
Thanos turned and I imagined that he was looking at Samuel. I didn't think that the Head Leader would have just left us there alone. H didn't trust us to be anywhere near the Resurrectors. "We are leaving now, Samuel. I would advise you against trying this again but I think you know now to keep away from us."
"She didn't survive the multiple heals. It was too much, even for one as talented as her. She was willing to die for you. I don't know how you managed to pull her soul back. Even I could see that it had left her body."
"I guess I learned something valuable after all." I thought I detected a tense defiance to Thanos’s words, and it only made me more curious about the relationship between Thanos and Samuel, though I was certain Thanos would not tell me anything about it unless he absolutely had to. He moved closer to me and picked me up as if I weighed nothing to him. I had no control over my body so I laid limp in his arms, my left arm dangling down beside me. "Goodbye, Samuel."
I caught a glimpse of swirling black mist as the Resurrector facilities disappeared, replaced a moment later with the more familiar surroundings of my room. Thanos easily yanked back the covers while supporting me with one hand and set me down on my bed before pulling the covers over me. "You were amazing today, Tam. What you did took immense strength and will power, but it very nearly killed you. I don't want you to even think of getting out of bed until you are completely rested. I'll take care of everything here."
I looked up at Thanos and tried to speak but my tongue felt too thick to move. He still didn't know about the Reapers. Somehow I had to tell him. Why couldn't I move? I had died, or almost died, whatever. That part was clear, but if that was the case then I had been healed. There was no reason why I shouldn't be up and moving around.
"Rest. You won't be able to move for a couple more hours." He stood up and walked over to the doorway and stepped out. As he pulled the door shut, he looked back at me and I noticed that his eyes seemed saddened. There was nothing to be sad about; everything had worked out. We were both alive and he was back where he belonged. The click of the door caused me to snap out of my thoughts for a moment. He was gone and I was left alone.
Strangely this felt rather similar to when he had first brought me to this facility. He had set me down in this bed and told me to rest. Back then I had actually wanted to rest but now I felt fine. With the exception of not being able to move I was perfectly healthy. The question that plagued me was how I had been healed. None of the Resurrectors and, definitely not Samuel, would have even attempted to heal me, and I didn’t blame them for that. But I was still here and it didn’t feel as if it had happened naturally.
For a while I simply stared up at the ceiling but then that became far too boring. I let out a deep breath and closed my eyes. Maybe sleep would pass the time faster. Considering how much I had deprived myself of sleep the past couple weeks it should have been easy to fall asleep, but I couldn’t turn off my mind enough to sink into a blissful oblivion. I knew I needed to rest and worry about everything else much later. It took several minutes but I finally felt the pull of sleep and drifted off, hoping to have peaceful dreams.
Instead of dreaming I merely saw an expanse of dark nothingness. It was as if I was standing in the middle of a dark room but I felt nothing. There was no breeze. I couldn't even feel a floor underneath me. It was as if I were simply existing but not living. That was odd, because I always dreamed, whether or not they were pleasant. Had something in me changed? I certainly felt different. This nothingness was nothing like that of the peaceful floaty world of death and it left me feeling saddened.
I awoke to overhear a hushed conversation outside my room. It sounded like Thanos and Adrienne so I tried to force myself closer in order to listen in. Thankfully it seemed as if my body was now starting to respond to me again. After pushing myself up into a sitting position, I swung my legs over the side so they touched the floor. I slowly pulled myself out of bed, testing that my legs could hold me up, and then moved as quietly as I could over by the door without opening it. Part of me felt bad about eavesdropping but I felt the transition to having Thanos back would be easier if I knew how he and Adrienne adjusted to having the other around.
"What did you do, just sit through all the training and pretend that you actually had no idea of how any of it was done? Do you not think it would have been easier if you had told Tamesis that you already knew everything that went along with the jobs of Resurrection and Death?"
"What purpose would that have served, Thanos? You know as well as I do that she would have started asking questions, ones that you wouldn't have wanted me to answer. I did what I thought was best. Unless you wanted me to tell her about our rather long acquaintance, which also would have meant expl
aining how you came to be in this position."
I heard Thanos let out a deep sigh. "Lying to Tam is not what is best. You should have told her that you could already do the job. If you had then perhaps she would not have ended up in this position now."
Adrienne chuckled. "That's rich, especially coming from you. What have you told her about yourself? I'm guessing nothing from before you took up this job, before you became Death. Isn't what you're doing all a lie as well?"
"I told her that I do not talk about myself. She has not pushed for anything more than that. My past has never mattered and she knows that someday, when I feel ready, I will tell her everything. Tam knows that I keep my promises. What you did was far worse."
"I wouldn't be so sure. Haven't you seen how she looks at you? Surely you've noticed that the feelings run so much deeper than a strictly platonic business relationship. She loves you, Thanos, and keeping things from her is so much worse than any lie I may have told."
What was going on? What were they talking about, aside from me and keeping secrets? They knew each other and yet Adrienne had said nothing about it when I brought her here. I was uncovering more secrets, more lies. Was this what I needed to expect from my life, that anyone I followed and trusted would just lie to me and use me as they needed to?
"No, my past is unimportant. This is who I am now and that is all she needs to know. It has not affected her job in the slightest and that is what truly matters."
"She found the loophole in the agreement you made with Samuel, making it possible for the Reapers to come into play. You understand what this means. Her part in this is so much bigger than you want it to be. Tam won't just sit on the sidelines during all of this, and you know that none of it is going to slow down now. Samuel will do anything to try and stop you from doing your job and…"
"And that is why I need to keep Tamesis in the dark. I am trying to make sure she stays safe."
"Are you sure that's why you want to keep your distance from her?" Adrienne asked. "She could be different, you know. Hasn't she already proved that she isn't like any of the others?"
"No!" Thanos snapped. It was the angriest outburst I had ever heard from him. If nothing else it should have reassured me that he really did care for me in a way that was more than just co-workers being concerned for one another. "She almost died today, because of me. Though she is different in so many ways, this is one thing that will never change, no matter how attracted I may be."
"You're an idiot, Thanos. Tam is better than the others. I wouldn't underestimate her."
Thanos sighed. "This conversation is over, Adrienne. I have made my decision, and it is for the best. I will not place her in danger again." He paused. "Please, just get back to work or something."
Adrienne said nothing but I could hear her walking down the hall. Slowly I stepped away from the door, just in time for Thanos to open it. He started as he saw me. "Tam, what are you doing up? I told you to rest."
"I'm fine, all better. Do you want to tell me what just happened in the hallway?" I couldn’t keep myself from asking and really, I was tired of all the secrets and lies. It was time that he started giving me answers.
Thanos stood there and stared at me, though he said nothing. I continued to look at him as I waited for an answer. Was I simply a fool? I had believed and trusted the Leaders only to find out that they were just using the Resurrectors in order to follow through with their idea of only dying because of old age. Now it was Thanos. This was even worse than learning that I was nothing more than a tool for the Leaders. Though I had spent only a few months with Thanos it felt more like an eternity. He and I were connected in a way I had never thought possible and that was even more true now that I had healed him. I didn’t know if it was a blessing or a curse that I had not seen any flashes of his memories during the process. Perhaps it could have cleared up some of our problems.
"Are you going to say anything?" I asked.
"What would you like me to say?"
"The truth." I would have thought that my answer was obvious. I took a couple steps back and sat down on the edge of my bed. I honestly felt as if I couldn't stand up anymore, but whether that was because of recently being healed or because I was just mentally and emotionally drained, I wasn’t sure. "I am so tired of being lied to. The Leaders did it and I…I thought you were different. Sure, you kept your past secret and I accepted that fact but this? Am I just a pawn in your war with the Leaders? I trusted you, Thanos. I thought…I loved you."
It felt strange to say those words, especially out loud and in front of him. I had thought about what Adrienne had said and came to the realization that she was right. Then again, considering what I had just learned, that could have all just been a lie as well. Was I really just a pawn? I had seen and heard from both sides of this war and they hated each other. It made sense that they would do whatever was necessary to defeat the other side, even if it meant using people as if they were nothing more than objects. This was what happened when two forces of nature were fighting for dominance. Somebody was bound to be trapped in the middle, and I would have thought that would be our charges, but no, apparently I was to be lumped in there as well.
If it hadn't been for the fact that I already felt horrible and utterly betrayed, the look in his eyes would have torn me apart. It looked as if I had just stabbed him in the chest with my words and decided to throw his entrails around. It was as if I had hurt him and not the other way around. What did he think would happen? I had overheard something he hadn't wanted me to know and I had called him on it. Now he simply stood there, as if I was the one betraying him and his trust.
"You shouldn't have said that," he said softly.
"Why not? Is it harder for you to use me when you know that I would have done anything for you? If you had been honest with me from the beginning then I doubt this would have happened. You could have told me about your battles with the Leaders, you could have told me about Adrienne. Instead you closed yourself off. No wonder the other Angels of Death concentrated on completing their contract instead of spending time to get to know you. I should think that it would have destroyed them."
Perhaps I was starting to take it too far but I was pissed. A part of me wanted him to suffer, wanted everyone—Resurrectors, Leaders, and Thanos—to pay for all of it. If I had had the energy I would have been pacing the room. And what about Adrienne? She couldn't just get away with constantly lying to me either. What was happening to me? Everything that had built up for months while discovering all these lies and betrayals was bubbling up inside, settling in my chest and making me want to lash out at anyone who happened to be near me. I had felt angry before but never like this. Now it was a rage, almost to the point that I wanted to go on a rampage without caring about collateral damage.
"Tam…"
I shook my head. He was not going to try and placate me with his gentle voice, not right now. "No, I'm finished with this, all of it. Months ago the Leaders used me as a weapon to fight off Death. I was the best healer they had ever had and they knew that. All my life they trained me and they kept me away from the semblance of normalcy the other Resurrectors had. When the others all started field work, I was still in school, going more in depth than anyone else so I could be used for cases deemed to be of greater importance or needing a more extensive heal. I could snatch a soul right out of the clutches of the Angel of Death and I could heal from several feet away. Looking back I should have seen that I was nothing more than a tool to them but I was so naive back then." Maybe I was still naive. After all, it had happened again, but this time with a man who had used my feelings against me, making me feel as if he actually cared me, that he could possibly even love me.
"Then I met you and there was something about you that drew me in. I felt a connection to you and you have no idea what affect your presence had on me." Unlike him I had this uncontrollable desire to just get everything out in the open. I hated all the secrets and I would not be keeping any from now on. I paused and looked o
ver at him.
How I felt was nothing compared with how Thanos looked. I almost expected him to just collapse right there. His face was whiter than usual and the usual intensity of his dark blue gaze seemed to have faded. "For the longest time I had no idea what any of that meant. Because of how the Leaders used me, I had no idea about romantic relationships or the feelings that accompanied it. Adrienne finally sorted it out and I started to accept the fact that I could love you and it would be fine. I was willing to sacrifice myself to save you and somehow I survived that. Then this happens. I was a fool but that's all over with. You could say that I'm giving you my two weeks notice; I'm leaving."
I stared over at Thanos through watery eyes, not having realized that I had started to cry until this moment. He was nothing but a black blur to me. My chest ached and though I had no one I could trust to help me through it, I knew what it meant. When I had said that I loved him, it hadn't been a lie. Discovering that it was nothing to him was destroying me. My heart was shattering into what felt like a hundred thousand tiny pieces. If loving someone meant having to experience that pain then perhaps it wasn't worth it. I had no purpose for work anymore, nor did I have a reason to continue on in this existence.
"Perhaps it would have been easier if you had just let me die," I whispered. If I had died before all of this then I would have never known this unending pain or have felt a void develop and grow inside me. Death would have meant never having to deal with whatever drama existed between Thanos and the Leaders, or whatever extensive history existed between Adrienne and Thanos.
"Please stop thinking that way. Tamesis, I never wanted any of this to happen, especially not to you. This is exactly why I did not want to tell you about my past. I never wanted to hurt you with the details." He sighed. "I especially did not want you to hate me."
I looked down at my lap. "I do hate you." I said it slowly, forcing myself to say the words without choking on them. Even despite this I still wanted to be with him and that confused the hell out of me. It didn't make sense. How could I still be with and love a man who kept so much from me? Perhaps he was still lying to me. I had no way of knowing what was true and what he was merely saying in order to keep his past hidden from me.
I heard him step forward and then I watched as his hand reached over to grab my chin gently and move my face up to look at him. As was typical I felt a shock, though this one was almost gentle. It swept over me and made my whole body tingle. I had to admit that I was really starting to enjoy that feeling and I had missed it the past couple of weeks. "You only wish you meant that." He gazed down at me. "I know you too well, Tamesis. Besides I see it in your eyes and I feel it when I am close to you. Even now you love me. The reactions of your body betray you and I should have noticed the signs long before now. It is a dangerous position to put yourself in but I have noticed over the many months I have known you that you never really think of how dangerous something could be. If you believe in something then you jump into it with everything you have in you."
He moved his hand away from my chin but did not move away, instead choosing to kneel down in front of me. "I have never met anyone like you. None of this would have happened if I had been able to distance myself from you. Instead you drew me in like a cat to catnip. Samuel and the other Leaders used that connection to hurt the both of us. Can you not see that if you leave then you are allowing them to win? Samuel wanted this to happen. His plan the entire time was to try and destroy us. Without a united front he has the advantage and the Balance will tip in his favor."
Thanos sounded so sincere and I wanted to believe him. Despite what it could mean I just wanted to curl up and lean on him, staying that way for hours. He was a part of the huge storm that seemed to be ripping apart my life but at the same time he also was that safe place, the eye of the storm, my little slice of heaven within the hell.
I turned my head to the side, not wanting to look at him. I knew the longer I looked at him the more confused I would become. I was torn between giving in to whatever he said or raging against him and taking out all my anger on him whether he deserved it or not. "And what about Adrienne?"
"Adrienne understands this war and will inevitably play a part in the outcome. That is all."
The answer was too short. He was still keeping things from me and I knew I couldn't take much more of it. "I heard what she said to you. It's as if you two have been rather close. You're still lying to me."
"No, I am not. Adrienne's story is very long and rather complicated but it is not my story to tell. I hope you can understand that I will not break the confidence of a friend. I can assure you that she is only a friend. I could never even think of her as more than that, and I believe she feels the same towards me."
"Why should I believe a word that you're saying?" I had given my notice and was trying to prepare to move on but, at the same time, I was looking for a good reason to stay. This was a lot to deal with and it certainly wasn't easy but I really did like my job. As the Angel of Death I really could help people. I helped some move on to the next life but I could heal others so they could start over and live a better life. Well, that's what I imagined they did. I had no real way of knowing as I never really checked in on those I healed. Still, they wouldn’t waste their second chance at life…I hoped not anyway.
"Because I love you too, Tamesis. I tried to deny it but I cannot any longer. I do not want to lose you, not now."
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Project Death: Resurrection Page 35