Chapter Seventeen
I took a step back, creating a small distance between us. It was enough to make me feel a little more comfortable with the situation. He was the one friend who had always seemed to take issue with the whole concept of personal space. After all, it had only been a few months since that time when he had hinted towards a more than friendly interest in me, and I honestly could not forget that fact, no matter how I tried.
Still, he seemed to have the most rational reaction to encountering me in this manner; both Alaula and Sitara had reacted with emotional outbursts and accusations. Of course, his apparent calm now did not mean that everything would stay that way. While a part of me did still want to think of Damir as a friend, I also had to think of him as an adversary. We both knew the other's weaknesses and that made it more dangerous. "What could we possibly have to talk about?"
Damir held up his hands, signaling that he was not trying to provoke me. Perhaps he was being truthful. I didn’t know if that was just a deception on his part or if he truly meant it. Only time would tell. "Come on, Tam, don't be like that. We were friends before you left us. I mean, what happened to you? Everyone always talked about how dedicated you were to the cause and how you were destined to be a Leader."
I simply stared at him. Months ago I might have laughed at such a comment, but I did not find it to be even the slightest bit amusing now. I never would have been a Leader, and if I had then I certainly would not have been what they wanted. My old friends obviously had never realized how distrustful I was of all the Leaders, particularly because of their secrets and lies and cover-ups.
Then again, it was also likely that he was fibbing to me; Damir had always tried to be supportive, even when it meant that he had to lie. I could not imagine any of the Resurrectors speaking of me in such a high manner, and they definitely would not respect me enough to believe that I would be a capable Leader. I could still hear the taunts from them after I was held back while they graduated into field work.
Most of the time Damir had been fairly effective at supportive deception but now I just knew he was only trying to make me think back to when I had been a Resurrector. He still hoped that I would think fondly about our good times together and all the work we had done, the lives we had saved, as if that would make me change my mind and return to my old ways. It was a foolish thought and he should have realized that by now. "Things change. You should know that."
Damir chuckled lightly and shook his head, which only served to make me think back to the friendly laid back conversations we used to have, though those times were long past. I no longer really needed to have them around to ease the burden of loneliness I felt. I had the Reapers around me now and more than that, Thanos was back and we would work through whatever problems came at us. I needed to believe that to keep going anymore.
"We both know you never would have accepted the position. Sitting behind a desk was never your strong suit so you would have been an active Resurrector longer than anyone else. I have to wonder though, would you have even stopped your work to have children? Certainly more Resurrectors would have helped the cause and they could have been just as talented as you."
"There is no point to this conversation, Damir. That future didn't happen. Fate wanted something else from me and you need to accept that. Talking to me won't make me realize that these past months were a mistake or that I miss being a Resurrector. This is who I am and I've embraced it." I had no idea why he was trying to talk about some future that had a zero percent chance of occurring. Yes, if I was still a Resurrector I would have stayed out in the field until they forced me into retirement, but I had not given much thought to children. That was something that I still had given very little thought to, and probably would not for quite some time, if ever.
For several moments we both stood there, nothing being said as we looked at each other. I kept waiting for his next move and yet nothing had happened. This was something I could see he was determined to continue with. I did not remember him being so focused on anything before, and it made me think that if he channeled this sort of drive into his work then he could be a much more effective Resurrector and someday perhaps he could even move up in the ranks. Even as I thought this I knew I would never say such things to him. I was not going to force someone into something unless it was for the job.
Suddenly Damir moved forward and grabbed my arms, holding me so hard that it would leave bruises. Somehow I didn't feel any pain from it and that struck me as odd. He was one of those guys who didn't realize his own strength and we both knew that. During a considerable amount of his free time, when he wasn’t spending time with our group of friends, Damir had done a lot of work in the weight room. It made him incredibly fit and most of the time he had a gentle touch. Now though it seemed like my indifference to his reminiscing was causing him to lash out in a way he thought would grab my attention. I looked straight at him and I felt nothing. I didn't even blink at the contact. Did he even realize that I did not even spend any energy trying to escape his grasp or anything else?
"I don't know what they have done to you at that place, but this is not you! Can’t you see how much you have changed since you left the Resurrectors? I have listened to so many of the others tell me about their encounters with you and I didn’t want to believe them, not even when it came from Alaula and Sitara. The girl I knew had her mood swings but even when she was angry or depressed, she found a way to be compassionate. She was invested in her charges, sometimes too invested, but it was one of the things that I truly loved about you. I remember that you used to put everything, including your friends, before yourself. The lives of other people and your duties as a Resurrector were the most important aspects of life."
He was on a full-blown rant now and I knew I wouldn't be able to stop him. I wasn't even going to try. No matter what he said it wouldn’t change a thing. The more I thought about my time as a Resurrector and my extreme drive to save everyone and work constantly, the more I wondered if I did that as a way to try and prove to everyone that they were wrong to doubt me, to taunt me, and certainly to hold me from graduating with Resurrectors to whom I definitely felt superior.
"I look at you now Tamesis, and I am looking at a stranger. You recognize me, you remember our shared history, but that's it. Even when you worked to keep yourself distant from everyone else I saw that it was because you cared too much. Now I see a cool detachment. Do you care about anything anymore?"
I couldn't answer him. Honestly I didn't know how. Any answer I could give would be inadequate, especially to someone I had been close to before all of this happened. Damir was not like my other friends. Even though I felt no desire for his advances, he actually was the first person to show any interest towards me in a more-than-friend capacity. It was for that reason alone that I was even considering what he was saying to me.
Did he have a point in saying that I was different from how he remembered? Yes, there were times when I feel a little different, especially since bringing Thanos back from the Resurrector facility, but I was still the same person, mostly. I just understood more about the world and its inhabitants. I saw the Resurrectors for their twisted world view and while I wished there was a way to bring them around to the truth, I also realized that hoping for such a fate was a waste of time. The only real change I had noticed was with the random mood swings I tended to have. Now it just seemed that I was distant from everything. Until everything was straightened out at Death’s facilities so we were back into a normal routine, just going through the motions seemed like the best and easiest method.
The only real feelings I felt were towards Thanos, and the raging depths of it continually surprised me. Being around him was amazingly intoxicating and being away from him made me feel as if I was suffocating or worse, leaving a piece of myself behind. I had no idea if that would fade the more I recovered from healing him or it was just an awakening of how I felt considering what I had been willing to sacrifice by saving him. Even how I reacted to
wards Adrienne was how I thought I needed to react after everything I had learned about her. She had lied to me, and it was a sort of betrayal, so wasn't it right that I told her that I did not feel as if I could trust her? It was possible that I was going through the motions with more than just my work, but what did that matter? I would get back to where I needed to be and really the only ones who commented about any change in how I acted were the Resurrectors. It seemed clear that they were just trying to find a way to slow me down while they figured out their next move.
I could only stand there and stare at Damir as he continued to hold on to me. He completely had a point that I was different but I didn't exactly want to admit that, especially not to my enemy. I wanted to just work and not think about anything else but work for a while. My purpose was to ensure the Balance by saving or Reaping souls as necessary. This was not going to go anywhere and I knew if I stayed here, Damir would push and try to get more from me. So instead of answering him I did the only thing I thought I could do.
I turned my focus to the baseball player who was now dead. Thankfully his grasp on my arms did not actually inhibit my work any. I waved my left hand towards him and watched as his soul rose up from his body. Then I waved my hand again and sent it away, on its path to the next stage of existence. "There is no point in trying to discuss anything with me, Damir. I am the Angel of Death and you are a Resurrector. That is how it is now and you need to accept that our lives have gone down different paths. I like where I am now and frankly that's all that matters." Then I vanished into the gray mist again, leaving Damir behind.
Project Death: Resurrection Page 37