by Staci Hart
This was exactly what should be happening. Val knew everything she needed to know. Lessons complete. I’d hung up my chalkboard and sent her out on her own. Everything was just as it should be.
I turned again, chugging across the room, my legs eating the distance at a distressing rate. Nerves scratched at my skin from the inside, metallic and abrading. The urge to take off running and sprint until I collapsed overcame me.
Fine, fine, fine.
I’d texted her to make her feel better.
I’d texted her to make me feel better.
I didn’t know what I’d expected. I thought I’d been looking for reassurance, a sign I’d done the right thing. I thought maybe I’d miraculously feel some sort of relief at talking to her before her date.
Wrong.
Somehow, I felt infinitely worse.
She was sitting across from him right now. I knew the restaurant well—I’d fucking suggested it. I’d have chosen the table by the window where the lighting was best and you could see the city. She’d be sitting there in the low light with some romantic acoustic bullshit playing on the speakers, laughing at something he’d said. He’d touch her hand. Tell her she was beautiful. They’d kiss, his hand on her cheek, her fingers on his chest. He’d pull her close, feel the curves of her body against him.
Sheer and absolute abhorrence ripped through me, tore me open, left my guts on the floor of my music room.
He’ll take her upstairs, my masochistic mind continued, undress her. He’ll taste her and have her.
And you just taught her how to give blowjobs.
I stopped in the middle of the room, my lungs in a vise and my heart locked in an iron maiden.
He’s going to get your blowjobs.
My dinner charged up my esophagus.
He’s going to get her sighs. Her kisses. Her laughter. He’s going to get her smiles.
I willed my feet to move. They carried me toward the door.
He’s going to get all of her, my mind said.
I scooped up my keys and ripped the door open.
No, he’s not, my heart answered. And I flew down the stairs, realizing what my mind had been blind to.
Those kisses and sighs and smiles? Those were mine. And I was going to go get them.
Val
I laughed at Adam’s joke, setting my fork on my plate so I wouldn’t drop it.
His smile is so nice, I thought, ignoring the sadness underneath.
He’s not Sam, the other voice in my head whispered.
When Adam reached for my hand, I felt…
Nothing. I felt nothing.
But I smiled back, determined to give it my best shot.
A month ago, I would have been over the moon to be on a date with a guy like Adam.
But a month ago, I had been a different person.
A month ago, I hadn’t known Sam.
He’s your friend. That’s all he’ll ever be to you, and you know that.
I fought the urge to sigh. It was true. I’d known this was how it would be, and I’d walked into it willingly. And now, walking away, I was thankful for what I’d had.
That didn’t make it any easier. It didn’t mean I was happy about it. It was just what it was.
Adam’s hand was warm, strong, his fingers long enough that they covered mine easily. He’d started talking again, this time a story about a little boy in his music class that kept calling castanets nutcrackers. His thumb shifted against mine in slow, easy strokes.
I was thinking about Sam.
In fact, I was thinking so hard about Sam that I thought I caught sight of him out the window in my periphery. I looked, not comprehending the vision of his face on the other side of the glass. He couldn’t be real, standing there on the sidewalk with his chest heaving under his leather jacket like he’d run a mile. I had to have conjured the apparition, his eyes liquid gold, hard and heavy on mine.
Adam turned to the window. “Sam?”
I blinked.
Sam glanced down at our hands, and his face tightened. He met my eyes again only for a split second before he took off for the door of the restaurant.
The chime of the bell was loud enough to startle me. Slowly, I turned in my seat to look behind me.
And there he was, as real as my pulse thundering in my ears and the swampy damp of my palms.
I pulled my hand out from under Adam’s, confused by my guilt, confused by Sam’s presence, still half-wondering if I was daydreaming.
“Sam?” I asked stupidly, squinting up at him like he might change into someone else if I looked hard enough.
“Hey,” he said breathlessly. His face was a dichotomy of desperation and discomfort.
“What’s up, man?” Adam asked. His smile almost completely hid his confusion. His tone did not.
Sam shifted his weight, his hands opening and closing at his sides like he was trying to grip his own reins. “Do you…ah, sorry, could I…ah…borrow her for a second?”
“Sure, so long as you bring her back,” Adam joked. A thread of seriousness lay underneath.
I grabbed my napkin out of my lap and set it next to my plate as I stood. “I’ll…be just a second, Adam.”
He tried to smile, but when his eyes darted to Sam, the veneer of his certainty cracked. “Yeah, okay. Well, I’ll be here.”
Sam grabbed my hand and took off for the door, towing me behind him like a Radio Flyer. Once outside, he pulled me in the direction opposite the window where my table had been.
“Wait,” I said, pulling him to slow his pace. “What’s going on, Sam? Is everything okay?”
He stopped, turned to face me, pinned me with a gaze that brought time to a brief, heavy halt. “No, Val. Everything is not okay.”
Worry overtook my heart. I stepped into him, touched his chest. “What happened? What’s wrong?”
He covered my hand with his own. A jolt of possession and desire shot through me at the contact. “I’ve made a mistake. A stupid, blind mistake.”
My brows drew together in confusion. “I don’t understand.”
“I didn’t either. Not until you were here. I…I don’t…I can’t…” He drew a long, noisy breath and sighed it out in frustration as he sought the words. And then he reached for my face and whispered, “Oh, fuck it.”
His lips connected with mine in a shock of pleasure that slipped over me like a sip of whiskey—a long burn, a sting, the sweet taste on my tongue, warming me from my chest to every extremity.
I leaned into him. He wrapped himself around me, breathing me in until I was dizzy from lack of oxygen.
When our lips finally slowed, we were twined around each other in the middle of the sidewalk, oblivious to anything beyond the tips of our noses, which grazed each other when we parted.
“He doesn’t get my blowjobs,” Sam said roughly, drunkenly, his lids half-closed. His hands flexed, gathering the fabric of my dress in his fingers.
A laugh burst out of me. “What?”
His smile, sideways and seductive. “He doesn’t get my blowjobs. Or my smiles or sighs. He doesn’t get your body because that is mine.”
My heart tripped at the word, hanging in the air for a long moment before falling at his feet.
“I should have seen it sooner.” He searched my face like he was seeing it for the first time. “All this time, I wanted to help you find a guy who would see you the way I do. Who would want you the way I do. Who would appreciate you the way I do. The way I do, Val. Thing is, no one will. No one can. No one will ever care for you the way I do.”
I couldn’t speak, my throat thick, the words lodged somewhere in the column of my throat. My lips parted. No sound came out.
“I know I’m not good enough for a girl like you. I’m not the guy you take home—I’ve only ever been good for a fling. A night. But I want to be more. It’s just that I’ve never…” he started, shaking his head almost imperceptibly. “I’ve never wanted to try before. I’ve never even considered it. But, with you, tonight, I
had to. And I mean that literally—all I could do was blink, breathe, and get to you. But now…now, I don’t know what to do.” He cupped my face, looked deep into my eyes, and I lost myself in his. “Tell me what you want, Val. Tell me what to do.”
Shock. Disbelief. Unbridled joy.
Sam wanted me.
Confusion. Astonishment. My wish come true.
I only had one cognitive thought in my addled mind. “Kiss me again.”
A laugh, a single, soft puff of air against my lips, and he did just that. For a long moment, that was all either of us needed or wanted. It was the only promise we could offer.
When the kiss broke, he waited to speak. Waited for me to tell him what to do, which was funny, considering he was supposed to be the expert.
“I thought you didn’t date,” I said, still stupefied.
“I don’t. But the thought of you with someone else makes me crazy, far crazier than the thought of dating. Being with you is easy. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to try. I can just be me, and you can be you, and we’re happy. I don’t want you to see anyone else. Only me.”
“I don’t want to see anyone else. I only went out with Adam because you set it up, and you were so excited. And…well, you said it was time, and I trust you. But this—whatever this is—is what I’ve wanted from the beginning, from the first.”
His face softened. “Me too.” He took a breath, straightened his spine without separating our bodies. “No more lessons. No more pretending. No more just friends. I want you, Val. I promise I’ll do everything I can to make you happy. I want to bring you flowers and take you to dinner. I want your toothbrush in my bathroom, and I want to spend all my time with you, just like we have been but more. I want more. I want to be the best fucking boyfriend on the planet.”
I stilled completely. “Did you just say boyfriend?”
A flickering smirk. “I did.”
Gaping. I was gaping. “I’m not dreaming, am I? Did you actually just say that?”
He laughed, thumbed my bottom lip, stared at it for a second. “Everything I want from you fits into that box. And I’ve never been a boyfriend before, but I’m pretty sure I’d be the best at it. I don’t like to fail, and I don’t do anything halfway.”
I searched his face for a moment. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“Say yes.” A plea, soft and hopeful. When I didn’t speak, he pulled me closer. “You told me once that you wished you could kiss a man and make him fall for you. Well, check that off your list, Valentina. Be mine.”
There was only one answer, and my lips whispered it right along with my entire heart and soul. “Yes.”
I couldn’t get out anything more than a whimper before he kissed me again, a kiss so deep, I had to hang on to him to stay upright.
When he broke away, I was breathless, speechless, witless.
“Come on,” he said, his nose grazing mine. He kissed the tip of it. “Come home with me. Right now.” Without waiting for an answer, he took my hand and started off down the sidewalk.
I took three steps and stopped, pulling him back. “Wait. Adam.” My heart sank. “Oh God. What will I say?”
Sam kissed my forehead. “I’ll take care of it. I got you into this. I’ll get you out of it. Wait here.”
I watched him stride away. He walked into the restaurant, and when curiosity got the best of me, I edged out on the sidewalk so I could see in. Sam had taken my seat and was leaning on the table, speaking to a stoic Adam, whose hands were in his lap, his face drawn but not angry. He nodded as Sam explained. I watched his admission, the subtleties in his posture—a small shake of his head in wonder, a disbelieving smile, a sigh, a raking of his hand through his hair. Through it all, he looked happy, elated, even as he apologized.
Fear crept into my mind, cold and dark. It was too good to be true. It couldn’t be real. Not that I didn’t believe Sam felt exactly as he said he did—right now. But tomorrow would he wake up and have lost the feeling? Would he get me out of his system, slake his desire and be done with me? Was he motivated by something he wasn’t aware of, like jealousy of Adam?
I trusted him, I did. But I worried that, in his own way, he was as naive as me.
The only difference was, I knew I was naive. Sam had all the confidence of a professional lion tamer laying his head in the mouth of the beast.
I took a breath and let it out. And then I made a decision that might hurt me later. I’d lost all sense of self-preservation.
Tonight, Sam was mine. If I never got another night, I’d have this one. And I intended to live every moment completely.
Adam and Sam stood and shook hands. Sam laid cash on the table, and a brief argument about the check ensued before Adam finally conceded. And then Sam turned and nearly bolted out of the restaurant.
He was grinning like a kid, hurrying toward me. He scooped me under his arm and swept me into a kiss.
When he let me go, he said four words I felt all the way down to my toes.
“Now you’re all mine.”
24
Facts and Figures
Sam
Val’s hand in mine was victory.
Her smile was my triumph.
Her lips against mine were my elation.
The light changed, and we crossed the street, Val’s arm around my waist. Our pace was not a patient one.
Two blocks.
“Can I ask you something?” she asked as we crossed the street.
“Anything.”
“When did you realize it? How you felt about me.”
“Five minutes before I got to the restaurant.”
A soft laugh.
“But you know something? I think I’ve always known. Since the very first day you subbed.”
She chuckled as we stepped onto the curb. “Me too. I wasn’t sure you even saw me.”
“You ran into a music stand and took down three more like a chain of dominoes. Really loud metal dominoes. Everyone in the pit saw you.”
She buried her face in my chest. “Oh God.”
I laughed, tightening my grip on her.
“Why me, Sam?” she asked quietly.
“Why not you?” I asked her back.
I swear I heard her roll her eyes. “I won’t state the obvious, but past all that…after all that time we spent together, you never made a move. I mean, I had to beg you to kiss me. You never told me how you felt.”
“Neither did you.”
She sighed, but she didn’t answer, and for a handful of footsteps, neither did I. I didn’t know how to explain.
“There are so many reasons why it’s you, Val. Almost too many to count. Your smile. Your honesty. The way you say exactly what you think when you think it. Your laugh. But more than anything, it’s how you make me feel. You make me want more than I have. You make me want to be more than I am.” I paused. “Did you know I have a rule?”
“What kind of rule?”
“I’ve never hooked up with anyone I worked with. It was just easier, cleaner, not to mix business with pleasure. You know how much drama there is in theater. This way, I could avoid any hard feelings. I never broke the rule. And then I met you.”
She didn’t say anything, just nuzzled closer.
“If we’d met anywhere else, I would have asked you out a long time ago. But I’m glad I didn’t.”
“You are?” Two disappointed syllables.
“I am. Because I wouldn’t have let myself get this close to you. And if I hadn’t gotten this close to you, I wouldn’t have understood what I was missing. I’ve never met someone I wanted to date. I’ve never met someone I had to have. The thought of you with Adam made me so crazy, I ran three blocks to bust it up before he could kiss you, just so I could kiss you myself. There wasn’t a choice to be made, Val. You and I have become a fact. We were long before tonight.”
One block.
“I’m just glad you didn’t say no,” I continued. “I don’t know what I would have done with myself if yo
u had.” Phantom loss slipped over me. I pulled her closer to ward off the chill.
But she laughed, a happy, hearty sound. “Me? Say no? To you? That’s…” She burst out laughing again.
I smiled and kissed her curly crown of hair. “That’s how I feel about you. I just feel like an idiot for not realizing it sooner.”
I spotted the entrance to my building and picked up my pace.
“I’m glad you realized it at all.”
“Me too,” I admitted, my relief complete.
We hurried inside and up the stairs and into my apartment. I clicked on a light and dimmed it. The room was golden, as if it were bathed in candlelight. And in the center was Val.
Her chestnut hair spilled over her shoulders in wild curls, framing the shape of her face. It was a heart, her narrow chin and small mouth at the tip, up the soft curves of her cheeks and to her eyes, big and wide, dark and deep. She was sweet innocence, a diamond found in the dark. And with fierceness that washed over me like a wave, I knew I’d do anything to protect her, to shelter her. To keep her safe.
This chance I had was a gift. God knew I wasn’t enough.
You’re going to disappoint her.
Maybe, I answered that voice in my mind. I might not know what I’m doing, but I’ll be damned if I fail. I won’t fail.
Another surge of relief filled me from boot to breastbone. Because nothing could keep me down. Beyond all comprehension, I’d found a girl who made me so happy, I’d taken a risk I’d never considered before. And she wanted me, too. She’d said yes.
I’d gotten the girl.
She was mine.
And now I would claim her.
Val
One second, I was caught in his stare, lost. And before I could breathe, I was in his arms, the space between us gone. Our breath mingled, our lips a seam. His hands searching my face, my hair, my body, guiding my thigh up the length of his. Over my ass and under.
He picked me up like I was nothing, but he held me like I was everything.
My legs wound around his waist, and my arms hooked around his neck, our hips locked and our lips never parting as he carried me to his bedroom.