Julia rode one of the two old elevators, an express, directly from the ground floor to the penthouse on the twelfth floor.
I see why they named this the Gable Lombard Suite, she thought, taking in its opulence.
The main room of the suite had been converted into a ready-station for the Oscar contender. Rina’s team of stylists hovered over her like a coven surrounding a caldron. Gigi sat in the corner doing what she always did—making sure Rina had whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it.
Rina beamed when she saw Julia behind her in the mirror. She swiveled her chair to face her. “Oh good, you’re finally here. Mark, this is Julia, whose hair and makeup you’ll be doing later.”
“I’ve heard good things, Mark,” Julia said. “Nice to meet you.”
Mark laced his fingers through Julia’s long straight hair. “I’m going to love working with this.” He glanced at the brain bucket. “Tell me you’re not planning on smashing my creation with helmet-head.”
She smiled. “No, at worst, it’ll be limo-head.”
“We’re in no rush,” Rina began, “so how about we take a break?”
Mark addressed his two assistants. “Be back in twenty.”
Gigi remained seated.
“You too, Gigi.”
Gigi nodded at Rina, then glowered at Julia when she left.
Rina waited until they were alone before she kissed Julia. “I couldn’t wait to see you. I’m so nervous!” She raised her hands and shook them on limp wrists, as though trying to air dry them—or perhaps expel her demons.
“I would have been here much sooner had someone remembered to put my name on the list.”
“Ugh! Not again. I didn’t know.”
A sad smile graced Julia’s lips. “You never do.”
Rina touched her cheek. “Look, I know how uncomfortable this week has been.”
“This week? This month. Right now. Rina, even you must see how often these things are happening.”
“I’ll talk to Gigi again.”
“It won’t change anything.” Julia peered out the window. In the distance stood the iconic Hollywood sign—and in the foreground, one for the Dolby Theater next door, from where the almighty Oscars would be broadcast around the world. She tried to act normal. “Will I be able to wish you luck privately—before you leave?”
Rina went to her from behind. She placed her hands on Julia’s arms and pressed against her. “I wish you could come with me tonight. But the reason I rented this magnificent suite is to keep you as close as possible and to make it easy for us afterward.”
“As close as across the street—rooting for you on TV.”
“Remember, if I win, which I really don’t think I will—when I touch my earring, I’m telling you how much I love you.”
Julia turned to face Rina. “I take it Clay will fill me in on the timing and events for tonight.”
“Why do you say it like that?”
“Like what?” Julia retorted.
“Are you angry with me?”
“Maybe. I’m not sure. I’m probably more angry with myself.”
“Why? Is it the list thing? Because I promise you I will take care of the list thing. What I know is that I’ll see you immediately after the awards—after photo ops. Oh, and if I win there will be interviews. Then you and Clay will pick me up in the limo and we’ll go to the Vanity Fair party.”
“I see.”
Rina gasped. “Oh god, it’s Oscar night! I think I just broke a sweat. I’ve been a little crazy all day.”
Julia stepped forward and held her close. “You’re trembling.”
“I know. I never imagined this little indie film would become a huge hit. That’s one of the reasons I did it.”
“What were the other reasons?”
Rina pulled back to look into her eyes. “I knew I could just act. Really sink my heart into the role of Dolly. And filming in LA meant we’d be closer.”
Julia held back a snicker. “You mean closer to me and my boyfriend? I still can’t believe you had me investigated.”
“Stop it. I’m so pissed at Gigi for doing that.”
“That makes two of us.”
“In all fairness, you could have told me your sister was your twin.”
“Or you could have trusted me before coming to your own ill-founded conclusions.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry that happened, but you need to understand how I’ve been scammed in my life by people who’ve said they loved me.”
“I’ve done more than that. I’ve shown you, in every way possible. Still, you assumed the worst. This conversation always starts and ends in the same place. Let’s change the subject.” She paused. “So, tonight instead of sitting with Britney, you’ll be competing against her for Best Actress again.”
Rina burned her with a glare. “Why would you bring that up now?”
Julia feigned calm. “It’s just that she and everyone else in the room get to be with you during your moment, and I don’t. I’ll bet Mark’s name was on the list downstairs.”
“Really, Julia? We’re going to do this now? Do you think you can find a better time?”
“Sorry. I’m sorry.”
“Thank you. When we get to the after parties, you’ll enter with Clay.”
Julia fidgeted. “So, I’m Clay’s ‘date’ tonight?”
“No. You’re my date. It’s just that Clay will be escorting you.”
“Isn’t that the definition of a date?”
Rina placed an emphatic hand on her jutting hip. “All right, Julia. Out with it.”
“Mark is doing my hair and makeup. I’m going to stay here in the suite with Clay and watch you on TV, and then I’ll get dressed and into the limo with Clay—for the limo queue—but I’m your date.”
“What are you trying to say?”
Julia scraped back her hair. “Fuck. My timing sucks. I didn’t plan this, baby. Honestly, I didn’t.”
“Plan what?”
“I can’t do it anymore—I can’t pretend I don’t love you down to my very bones without it becoming true. I can’t pretend that I don’t exist even when you can. I can’t go.”
“But this is my big night and I want you with me. You have to do this.”
Julia shook her head. “No, you have to do it. You chose to do it alone at the Golden Globes—why should now be any different? I would never embarrass you or blow your cover, but standing here I just envisioned a night where a thousand cameras will be taking photos of you—as always. And each time, I’m going to stumble backward into the shadows, pretending I’m with Clay. So, go ahead and do it. You don’t need me there. Maybe you don’t really need me anywhere.”
“No.”
“No, what?”
“You can’t just bow out. You’re my lover!”
“I’m your whatever-I-always-need-to-be, whenever you need me to be it.”
“Why are you doing this now?”
Julia shrugged. “I guess that today’s the day I saw the big picture. I couldn’t love you any more if I tried, Rina, and I don’t mind playing by the rules of your life—but not to the point where I don’t have one.” She sighed, and then decided to say it anyway. “I have no place in your real life. I never have.”
Rina’s eyes shifted from hazel to gold when she turned toward the light. “What are you saying?” she said in a low voice. “That you won’t be there for me tonight?”
Julia bit her lower lip.
Rina stepped over to the vanity and cinched the belt on her dressing robe. “I see. Well, I’m going to get ready now,” she said with a hard edge to her tone. “When you leave, you can tell my stylists I’m ready.”
The contender sat before the mirror and they locked eyes. The chill that ran down Julia’s spine wasn’t chased by warmth. The expression in her lover’s eyes told her all she needed to know—that the woman had been a better actress than she ever thought. The ice running in Rina’s veins stung her through the glare of spellbinding eyes that
threw her off balance—every damn time.
“I’ll be here before you leave to wish you luck,” Julia said as she reached for the doorknob.
“Julia, wait!”
Julia turned and gazed into her eyes from across the room. “I’ll be back. You need to get ready now.”
Chapter Forty-Two
Julia exited the hotel, sidestepped the edge of the red carpet, and wandered down Hollywood Boulevard. Already the traffic restrictions were of steroidal proportions on a street where mania held fame’s hand and skipped along the Walk of Fame twenty-four hours a day. She strolled down the dirty sidewalk and read some of the names she stepped on—one in particular. Katarina Verralta. She kicked a discarded paper cup off of the camera icon and continued on.
It took but a block for the concrete jungle of Hollywood Boulevard to assault her sensibilities. Grubby-looking panhandlers. A throng of foreign tourists mumbling in some language she couldn’t have even taken a guess at deciphering. Overwhelming numbers of people jostling hours before the affair to claim their spot behind the railing along the red carpet. Generic American tourists dressed in similar uniforms—sneakers, cheap T-shirts bearing the names of hometowns and schools—and herds of bald middle-aged men who might have all been the same person. She noticed no one in particular in the same way that no one noticed her. Then it struck her that had she been there with Rina, no one would notice her anyway.
Look at me, she berated herself. Wandering aimlessly, staring at the red carpet—the clandestine lover of one of Hollywood’s most beloved actresses. Her throat tightened. I can’t live this way anymore! But how do I walk away from the love of my life?
The twisting in her gut caused her to double over in an alley until it passed. Behind her sunglasses tears filled her eyes even as a surge of gawkers and fans lined up early to get a glimpse of Red Carpet Hollywood.
Leaving Rina wasn’t about not being in the spotlight. She couldn’t have cared less for the spotlight. Although she loved this woman, the truth she’d ignored was that increasingly she felt like an ornament—a less-than-everything. Maybe in this moment, a less-than-nothing. She wondered if she would ever be enough.
Vitty was right. I live for everyone but myself. Her gut twisted again but not as severely as the first time. Rina’s going to hate me—forever. And worse, I’m never going to love anyone more than I love her. But I just can’t be this person anymore.
Validation had eluded her her whole life. After all, wasn’t it her job to be happy for everyone else’s success? Thinking about it now, she couldn’t immediately remember even one person who had been her champion—who had taken the reins when she needed it most. Even Vitty had always treated her as second fiddle to some degree—and not only because she was three minutes older.
Julia stayed away from the hotel until she couldn’t any longer. Returning to the penthouse, she found Rina alone in the bedroom lounging in her robe in full makeup and with perfect hair. Her gaze followed Julia when she tentatively crossed the room, sat next to her, and held her hand.
The nominee stared into her eyes with enough star power to make Julia feel lightheaded—again.
Rina sighed. “I don’t have a good feeling about tonight.”
“All the nominees are heavy hitters. I’ll bet every actress in your category is saying the same thing right now.”
“I wasn’t talking about the Oscar. I was talking about us.”
Julia stroked Rina’s cheek and looked into the phosphorescent light that ignited relentless passion within her. “I’m so sorry, Rina. I love you with all that I am—but I can’t do it anymore. I thought I knew what I was signing up for but…”
“Don’t do this, Julia. Don’t leave—you can’t leave me.”
“Can you honestly say that all of this separation between us, looking over our shoulders everywhere we go, shoving me at Clay…that none of it bothers you?”
“Of course it bothers me. But what can I do about it? This is my life, my career that’s on the line.”
“Come on, Rina, it’s 2019! People are gay now!”
“It’s different when you’re famous—especially at my age. I don’t want my sexuality out there in the world for everyone to weigh in on it. I have so little privacy as it is.”
“And that’s where I live. In this ever-diminishing space that you call privacy and I call a prison.” Julia stood, took a few steps, and turned. “Do you hear yourself? What can you do about it? It’s your life and you can do whatever you want to with it. What I don’t understand is why you won’t.”
“The public is fickle and so are the studios. Are you ready to have cameras shoved in your face and reporters taunting you everywhere you go?”
Julia crossed her arms and stared at her. “Don’t you ever just want to be—with me? Free to take who we are together out into the world? Do you even know who you are without an entourage that worships your every gesture?”
“I’m in love with you. Can’t we just be us for…us?”
“We’ve done all of it your way. It doesn’t work for me.”
“I can’t believe you’re doing this now! We’ll talk about it later,” said Rina.
Julia’s eyes welled up. She went to Rina and gave her a “kiss of last resort.” What am I doing! She pulled away abruptly and regained her balance. “You know, when we’re out at the ranch, I see who you really are. You smile—you’re happy. This?” Julia gazed at the luxury surrounding her. “Does denying who you are make you as happy?”
Rina stood, sauntered to the window, and gazed out. “I’m happy when you’re part of it,” she said in a monotone.
“This will make you happy again once I’m no longer part of the equation.”
“Stop it. I don’t want to do this with you anymore.” Rina went to the bar, poured herself a small shot of vodka, and downed it.
Julia waited until Rina turned to face her before she spoke. “Would you like to know what makes me happy?”
“Sure, why not?” Rina slammed the empty glass down on the bar.
“For me, happiness is bringing you coffee in the morning after we make love. It’s you bringing me lemonade out in the barn wearing your thousand-dollar sneakers because you don’t know any better.” Julia stepped toward her. “It’s cuddling with you by the fire on a chilly night watching one of your movies, where you fill me in on all the stories that happened off camera. But most of all—most of all, the you that’s seared into me is the frightened girl who bolted from the casita on a stormy night to fall into my arms.” Julia waited—stood there teetering on the threshold of nothingness in the silence that followed. “Good luck tonight. I mean that.” When she stepped toward the door, Rina cut her off.
“Where are you going?”
Julia picked up her motorcycle helmet and backpack. “I’ll stop back after you leave to make arrangements with Clay to get my things from the house, if that’s okay.”
“No! It’s not okay. You can’t leave me. We have to talk about this.”
“We’ve talked a lot, Rina. But nothing changes. You know it and so do I.” Julia scraped back her hair. “I know you’ve tried, baby, and I’m not making you the bad guy here. Honestly, I’m not blaming you. I don’t want anything from you, and I’ll always respect your privacy—our privacy. We’ve simply…run out of road, and there’s nowhere left to go.”
Her gaze dropped to the floor; she swallowed hard and steeled herself again to meet Rina’s stare. “Look, you have a huge night ahead of you and you don’t need to be thinking about where I am or how things appear. It’s time for you to be the A-lister that you are. As for me, now I won’t have to worry pointlessly about every single person who worships you and what I don’t know about your history with them. Just go and have a fabulous worry-free evening. You deserve it.”
“Without you?” Rina spoke softly. “You’re my love. None of it means anything if I can’t share it with you. How can I do this without you?”
“I don’t know. All I know is that right
now it hurts to breathe—and my heart is pounding at the thought of walking out that door!” She turned away.
Rina grabbed her arm, causing the backpack and helmet to fall to the floor. “This is insane. Don’t! You’re not leaving!”
“Let me go!” Julia pulled away. “I’m riding the bike to Malibu now to pick up a few things. Then I’m headed back to the ranch—where I belong.”
“You’re not riding a motorcycle through the desert alone at night! Why don’t you take the car?”
Julia retrieved her gear from the floor.
Rina sighed hard. “No matter how many pages of the calendar we flip, spring never becomes winter, does it?”
“No. Not even with the best of intentions. It’s a cruel twist of fate to be victims of seasons never intended to meet.”
Rina reached out for her again and spoke haltingly. “Why—why now?”
“Because you’re about to have one of the biggest nights of your life. You need the freedom to take that and run like the wind—like when you race Thunder across the mesa. Without worry or fear, and without me holding you back.” Her gaze fell to the floor again and then climbed slowly back to Rina. “You need to let me go.”
Rina’s stare burned into her. “You’re breaking my heart, Julia.”
Mine is shattered. “I wouldn’t have traded a minute of being with you—you’re the love of my life. You always will be.”
“If that’s true, you’ll stay!”
Clay barged through the door, startling both women. “I’m so excited! What a great night this is going to be!” He went to Julia and kissed her cheek. “Certainly, having this gorgeous girl on my arm is going to up my cred.”
Julia looked over at Rina. “Your date, huh?”
“Uh-oh,” said Clay. “What am I interrupting?”
“Sorry, Clay. It looks like I’ll be standing you up tonight. On the bright side, you can party like a king since you won’t have to watch my every move or lie about who I am.”
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