“Yes, we do.” Ben’s voice had firmed, and Tessa smiled quietly to herself as she squeezed his hand and at the same time took Jayden’s.
“Dear Heavenly Father, thank You that You’re with us now, right in the midst of this storm. I’m sorry I’m shouting, Lord, but I’m not shouting at You. Promise. Lord, please still our hearts, even though all around us is noise and chaos. We know that You’re the Creator of all things, and this storm just shows us Your power and Your might. Your majesty is all around us, in the stars we gazed out at tonight, and in the beauty of this place. Be with us now we pray, and help us to trust You in the midst of all the storms we’ll face in our lives, both now and in the future. Amen.”
“Amen,” Ben whispered as he returned her squeeze.
Jayden and Neil remained quiet and still as the storm slowly abated. Tessa’s heart warmed as Jayden didn’t flinch when she pulled him close. She prayed for him silently, asking God to touch his heart and to draw him slowly but surely into his Kingdom.
Chapter 21
Several weeks later on a Friday morning, Tessa woke earlier than usual. Something wasn’t right, but she didn’t know what. Her morning, or all day sickness, had decreased and she’d been feeling better of late, but this was different. Her stomach was cramping.
She said goodbye to Ben and Jayden and dragged herself to work, somehow making it through the day.
She almost didn’t go to Bible Study, but decided the company of Christian women, especially Margaret, might help. As long as Sabrina isn’t there. When she arrived a few minutes early and sat down beside Margaret, Margaret leaned over and patted her arm. “I’ve been praying for you, Tessa.”
“Really? How thoughtful of you. Thank you.” Tessa smiled and took a sip of her coffee before placing it on the table to the side. But she felt bad. She should have been praying for Margaret and Harrison more than the occasional times when she’d had a run in with Harrison. If only I could be more like Margaret and learn to pray more.
“Oh, it’s nothing, really. Each week I choose a lady from our group to pray for. Last week it was Sally, and this week it’s you.” She turned, and facing Tessa square on, lowered her voice. “You were very much on my heart this week. As I was asking God what you needed prayer for, I believe He directed me to pray for extra strength for you.”
Tessa’s eyes welled. “Maybe it’s because I’ve been feeling really tired.” How special to have someone care like this.
Margaret searched Tessa’s eyes with her own soft ones. “Apart from being tired, how have you been feeling of late?”
Tessa brushed her eyes and took a breath to steady herself. “I’m not getting sick anymore, but this morning I had the most painful of cramps. And two nights ago, I bled a little.”
Margaret’s eyes widened. “When was your last doctor’s appointment?”
“Yesterday, the morning after I bled.”
“What did he say?” She leaned closer.
Tessa sighed heavily. “He didn’t seem very concerned. He checked me over and told me to come back in a few days for another check-up and a scan. I plan to go back tomorrow.” As she placed her hands gently on her slightly rounded stomach, her chest tightened. “He said it wasn’t anything to be worried about, but I can’t help but be worried.”
“I’m sure he knows what he’s doing, but you have every right to be concerned, especially when you don’t know what’s happening.”
Tessa bit her lip and forced her tears back. She didn’t want to be the focus of attention, even amongst these caring women.
Margaret squeezed her hand, as if she knew exactly how she was feeling. “I’ll be praying for you and your baby. Make sure you go back tomorrow and get checked out completely. You need to make sure your baby is okay.”
Tessa nodded, sucking in a breath as she steadied herself. During their time of group prayer, she bowed her head and thanked God for bringing Margaret into her life. They’d become close, and Tessa appreciated the older woman’s honesty and compassion. She would pray more often for her and Harrison, and she asked God if in some small way he might use her to help bridge the gap between the two.
She turned her attention to the group prayers. “Lord God, we ask You to watch over Tessa and her baby, and to provide all they need in the days and weeks ahead. Pour Your blessings out on them both, and may Tessa and her husband know how deeply You care for them. Wrap Your loving arms around them now, Lord, and may their hearts be filled with Your peace. Amen.”
Tears flooded her eyes when Margaret prayed for her and her unborn baby. Margaret squeezed Tessa’s hand again as Tessa wiped her tears away with the other. Margaret’s prayer had touched her heart, although she didn’t quite understand why. I already know how much You care for me, God. I just need everything to be fine with my baby. She caressed her tummy again and tried to focus on the study, but her mind and heart were elsewhere. She had a keen sense of God wrapping his arms around her, comforting her, but she didn’t know why. Despite the chatter around her, she rested in His arms, and drew strength for whatever lay ahead.
It was close to midnight when Tessa woke to searing pain in her stomach. Ben’s arm was across her chest. The sheets, soaked with sweat, lay heavy on her body. She strained to sit upright but couldn’t—the pain was too intense. “Ben.” Her voice was weak and shallow. She nudged him gently with her elbow.
He stirred, but didn’t fully awaken.
“I need to go to hospital.” Her voice became more urgent as yet another wave of pain hit her.
Ben bolted upright in bed and leaned over her. “Hospital? What are you talking about?”
“The baby. I need to go now.” She gripped her stomach as tears filled her eyes. She knew what was happening—she was miscarrying. She forced back a sob. God, is this what You were preparing me for
“It’s too early for the baby to be coming.” Ben hurried out of bed, turned on the bedside lamp, and threw on a pair of jeans.
“I know.” She grabbed his hand as fresh sobs collected in her throat.
Everything that happened next was a blur. Ben knocked on Jayden’s bedroom door and told him to get dressed. Then he was back in their bedroom, telling her she was going to be fine, wrapping her in a robe, and helping her out of bed. Every movement only increased the pain and Tessa bit her lip to keep from crying out loud. She was hardly aware of the ride to the hospital. Once there, a host of nurses and emergency workers surrounded her and placed her on a trolley bed as they rushed her inside. The bright lights of the hospital hallways swirled above her, the noise of the nurses talking sounded like yelling, and the beeping machines hooked up to her scared her. Tessa prayed for the tiny baby inside of her and fought to hold on to it. Her world was crashing down around her and she called out for Ben. Then the pain took over and she passed out.
Several long hours later, Tessa awoke. Her gaze moved around the room. Ben was sitting in a chair beside her bed, his head hanging low, holding her hand. Jayden was asleep in the only other chair in the room, wrapped in a dark green blanket. Where am I, God? What’s happening? She eased herself slowly into an upright position as snippets of what happened flashed through her mind. The painful ride to the hospital, the bright lights, the noise, being wheeled away from Ben, and our baby. She slipped her hand out of his and clutched her stomach. Empty. Pain stabbed her heart as tears stung her eyes. She grabbed Ben’s hand again. “Please tell me we haven’t lost our baby.” As she searched his face, she knew the answer. It was written all over it.
“We can try again.” He kissed her forehead, her cheeks dampened with tears, her hands, her fingers, and drew her slowly into his arms. She sobbed uncontrollably into his chest. God, why did You let this happen? A dull ache grew inside her heart.
After some minutes, Ben lowered her back onto the pillows. She was numb and couldn’t speak. He brushed her forehead with his hand and looked at her with such pity. She didn’t want pity—she wanted her baby.
A soft knock sounded on the door befor
e it was pushed open and a red-headed nurse tip-toed in. “I’m sorry to interrupt.” Her voice was courteous and quiet, like she really meant it. “The results are back from the internal, and I’m so sorry to confirm that you did miscarry.” She paused, maybe to let the news sink in, but Tessa already knew. “This is a difficult moment for both of you, but it’s not your fault, Mrs. Williams.” She cast her gaze onto Tessa and stepped closer. “Miscarriage is very common—it’s just not discussed a lot. But on the brighter side, the majority of women who miscarry go on to have a successful pregnancy next time round, so there’s plenty of hope for the future.”
The nurse meant well, but she was talking to someone else, not to Tessa. This wasn’t happening. It hadn’t happened. It was just a bad dream.
Ben thanked the nurse and she left the room.
“I’m sorry.” Jayden’s quiet voice sounded from the corner and made Tessa turn. His unexpected concern caused fresh sobs to catch in her throat. She forced them back and drew in a breath.
“Thank you. So are we.” The thought suddenly hit her—Jayden was blaming himself for what had happened. She reached out her hand and when he took it, she drew him to her side and sat him on the bed.
“You’re not to blame for this. No-one is.” If only she could truly believe that for herself.
“But… I said I didn’t want a brother or sister, and… and now I wish I could take back those words.” His voice caught in his throat. He lifted his head and looked into Tessa’s eyes. “I didn’t mean them.”
“I know you didn’t.” She wrapped her arms around him and let him sob into her chest.
Ben stood and placed his hand on Jayden’s shoulder. “We’ve all had those heated moments when we say things we don’t mean, son. Like Tessa said, it wasn’t your fault, and with God’s help, we’ll pull through this.”
After several long seconds, Jayden nodded and wiped his face with his sleeve. Ben didn’t reprimand him.
“I think we should pray.” Ben placed his other arm around Tessa’s shoulders and led them in prayer, his words and his deep steady voice providing a degree of comfort. But they’d both been so convinced this baby was a gift from God, so why would He have let this happen? And how could Ben be so calm about it? He’d been over the moon about welcoming a new life into their family, and yet here he was, thanking God for His goodness. It makes no sense, God. I don’t understand.
The swelling weight of disappointment and grief sat heavily on her heart, and she sobbed into Ben’s arms. He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head as he stroked her hair. She knew deep down God would help them through this, but the ache in her heart hurt so badly, she could do nothing apart from cry for their lost baby.
Chapter 22
Tessa sat on the back porch swing holding a lukewarm mug of hot chocolate as she watched the sunset. The sky was a brilliant blaze of yellow, orange and red, but its beauty was lost on her. Her Bible lay open on the swing beside her, but every time she bent to read the words of Lamentations 3, tears filled her eyes. She was still trying to figure out why she and Ben had lost their baby. “What did we do wrong?” she asked God in between sobs. “What could I have done differently?” She sat silently, waiting for an answer, but none came.
She’d felt pain when she parted ways with Michael, but the pain she was experiencing now was like nothing she’d felt before. She was heartbroken, but also angry and worried. Angry that her body had failed her, and worried she might never carry a child to full term.
She leaned her head back and wiped away her tears with a crumpled tissue. She was tired of crying. She wanted to stop, but each time she thought her tears were all dried up, they’d start again with renewed fervour.
Her mother had assured her that despite the grief she was feeling right now, she would get over it. She herself had suffered a miscarriage in between Tessa and Elliott, and she knew what Tessa was going through. “Believe me, honey,” her mother had assured her, “the pain will slowly decrease until one day you’ll be able to think about the lost baby without crying.”
Margaret had visited and given Tessa a list of Scripture passages she thought would be helpful and promised to keep praying for her. Fraser Stanthorpe and his wife, Tracey, had also visited. “No-one really knows why these things happen, but you shouldn’t believe that your baby dying was God’s doing.” The pastor’s eyes were full of compassion and understanding. “He’s suffering with you, Tessa. He knows exactly how you feel, because he watched His own Son die in the most horrible of ways.” He squeezed her hand. “Be comforted with the knowledge that your baby is now safe in His hands and one day you’ll be reunited.”
She was grateful for the outpouring of support and love she’d received from her friends and family, but she needed time to sort through her own thoughts. Ben and Jayden had left to pick up a few items she needed from the grocery store and had taken Sparky and Bindy for a walk at the same time. She closed her eyes. The doctor said the baby was a boy. She tried to picture what he would have looked like. What would she and Ben have named him? If he’d lived, how would he have changed their lives and who would he have become in the future? She’d never have the chance to know him or hold him in her arms, but a great love for the life she’d lost swelled within her. Fraser’s words had comforted her to a degree. She liked the thought that their baby was in a better place, surrounded by angels, and being watched over by Christ Himself.
She dabbed her eyes and picked up the Bible laying open beside her. “I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope,” she read aloud. “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.”
Tears poured down her cheeks as warmth filled her heart. She drew in a long slow breath and bowed her head. “Oh God, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not seeing the bigger picture but instead blaming both Yourself and me for the loss of our baby. I know You love me, even when I fail and when I ignore You. Thank You for Your great faithfulness and Your love. I will trust You to heal the pain in my heart, and to care for our dear little baby boy until we meet him face to face in heaven with You. In Jesus’ precious name, Amen.”
The faint ringing of the phone from inside the house interrupted Tessa’s quiet time. She jumped up and ran inside, and picked up the phone just in time. Her heart skipped when she heard the familiar voice on the other end. “Stephanie! I’m so glad you called. I’ve been wanting to talk with you.”
“No,” the voice said. “This is Stephanie’s mother, Vanessa.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Mrs. Trejo, you both sound so much alike. I still can’t tell your voices apart after all these years.” Tessa let out a small laugh but at the same time her chest tightened. Why would Mrs. Trejo be calling? Not more bad news, please, God. I can’t handle it.
“Stephanie’s in the hospital. She was in a bad car accident last night.”
Tessa’s heart skipped a beat as she gripped the phone with both hands. “How… how bad is she?” Tessa could barely speak.
“She’s not good.” Mrs. Trejo’s voice caught in her throat. “She’s… she’s got several broken bones, including a fracture in her spine.” She broke down. “She might be paralysed for life.” Tessa’s heart began a freefall. Stephanie, paralysed for life? This can’t be happening.
Tessa fell into the nearest chair as Ben and Jayden returned with the groceries. Ben dropped the bag he was carrying and rushed to her side. “What is it, Tess?” Ben’s eyes had widened, and his voice was full of concern.
She lifted her watery eyes. Her heart felt like it was breaking. She sucked in a breath as she held the receiver to her chest. “Steph…” She took another breath and steadied herself. “Steph was in a car accident last night.”
The colour drained from Ben’s face. He sat down beside her and put his arm around her. Tessa lifted the receiver to her ear. Mrs. Trejo was still talking. “You girls have been friends
for years, so I knew… I knew you’d want to know.” Her voice had recovered a little but was still tight.
Tessa squeezed her eyes shut and steadied her breathing. “I’m so sorry, Mrs. Trejo. I…I don’t know what to say, except that I’ll be praying for you... for you both, and I’ll come as soon as I can.”
“I appreciate that, Tessa, I really do.” She paused. “The police think it may have been deliberate.”
Tessa sucked in a breath and straightened, her heart racing. “Deliberate? Why would they think that?”
Mrs. Trejo blew her nose. “It was a single vehicle accident. She wasn’t under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and the weather was good. They think she drove her car off the road on purpose. But Stephanie would never do anything like that.” Her voice strengthened. “I know my daughter. She just graduated, and she’s got a great job, and—”
“She didn’t tell you?” Tessa’s voice came out soft and quiet.
Mrs. Trejo sucked in a breath. “Tell me what?”
Tessa let out a shaky sigh. “She lost her job a few weeks ago. She was really upset about it.”
“No, I... I didn’t know.” She paused. “Maybe that’s why she came to visit. I thought it odd, but she didn’t say anything. I don’t understand why she wouldn’t have told me.”
Tessa hurried to defend her friend. “I think she was afraid to disappoint you.”
“Stephanie would never disappoint me.” Mrs. Trejo’s voice fell to a whisper. “I know I pushed her sometimes, but I could never be disappointed with her. Everything she did made me proud. I hope what you’re saying isn’t true, but if it is, I have only myself to blame. I hope I didn’t push her too hard.”
“I don’t think you did, but she was very distraught over losing her job. I’ve never seen her so upset.”
“My poor girl. If only she’d told me.”
THE TRUE LOVE SERIES BOX SET: A Christian Romance Page 24