Your Child
The Child of an addict
After a few moments of what seemed to be hesitation, Mrs. Brown finally spoke. “Tell me how you feel.”
Sobbing like a child that had just gotten the beating of her life, Tiffany answered, “Angry, disappointed, worthless, alone, and cheated.”
“Ok, I can see how all of those would be things you feel. Do you think you said everything you wanted in the letter to your mother?”
“No, but it was like every emotion I had was overtaking me. So, I said the things that I felt were the most important to me at the time. And even though I get all the spiritual stuff, I still wonder why.”
“Why, what?”
“Why He picked me to endure so much. And, yes, I know we are not supposed to question Him, but I find myself doing it often. Does that mean my faith isn’t strong? Does it mean I’m giving up?”
“No, it doesn’t mean either. It means you are human. It is very normal to question things when you can’t find the answers you are looking for. How do you think you would feel if you told her these things face to face?”
“I have tried, but it’s like when I see her, all I see is this fragile and broken individual. She doesn’t comprehend simple things. And every time I have attempted to have a conversation with her about me and how I feel about her she becomes combative and very defensive. I don’t have the will power to fight that battle with her anymore.”
“Well, your recovery will help you with that as well.” By the time Mrs. Brown had gotten Tiffany calmed down and back to a normal breathing pattern, it was time for them to wrap their session up for the day. “Tiffany, I want you to know that you made it over a high mountain by writing this letter. I am proud of you. It confirms that you are, indeed, ready to heal. Your homework for next session is write your best friend a letter. In the letter, I want you to tell them things they have no idea about you. I realize best friends know more about one another than anyone else, but I am most positive, in most cases, there are a lot of things they don’t know as well. Say things that in the past you may have been ashamed of saying. Things that you have been carrying alone for all these years. And remember, you don’t have to give these letters to anyone unless you choose to. Right now, they are only for you to release your feelings into the atmosphere. Tiffany responded with a mere nod of her head. It was as if she had just lost her best friend.
“So, I have one week to write yet another letter. I think you are trying to make me have a mental break down, Mrs. Brown.”
“Not at all. Just remember; we have to clean from the inside out for a full recovery.”
“I know,” Tiffany said in a joking manner as she grabbed her things and headed for the door.
“See you next week, Mrs. Newton.”
The ride home was much better than the first time she had left the office of Mrs. Brown. Although she cried most of the way, it was a controllable, cleansing type of cry. Tiffany finally felt like she had accomplished something she had been waiting to do for years. And even if she had not uttered the words to Tammy in person, they were in black and white and one day, if and when she wanted to, she could mail it or hand it to her.
CHAPTER 9
T he day had come and gone and Tiffany had accomplished all her daily tasks and more. It was time for her to attempt to get some rest. The kids and her husband were all asleep. She had already responded to emails, talked to a few clients, including Angela, and was fresh out of things to do. So, she did what she thought was needed the most; watched her recorded episodes of Fix My Life until she dozed off to sleep.
It seemed as if it was the first real night of sleep that she had in ages. No dreams, no night sweats, and no panic attacks. Maybe the sessions with Mrs. Brown were really helping. Maybe she was finally coming to grips with everything by simply verbalizing things. She wasn’t too sure of how or why, but she wasn’t crazy enough to question it either. It had been a few days since her last session and Tiffany had yet to start her homework for her next session with Mrs. Brown. Tiffany figured it would be a good time to start since she had a whole day to do as she pleased; no meetings, no sports, and she had decided not to cook that evening. Instead, she was going to dedicate the entire day to herself starting with a massage at the spa, followed by a late lunch all by herself. She’d decided to use the solitude to start her letter to her best friend.
After enjoying her morning coffee, she began to get herself together for her stress-free day. Tiffany set the tone for her day with the scent of her favorite vanilla caramel candles in the atmosphere. She turned to her Ledisi radio station and blasted it through her surround sound speakers. Tiffany stood for a moment and took it all in and realized -she was in a really good mood! For once, her inward emotions matched her outward reflection and nothing could ruin it. She left the house early enough to stop and get her cup of happiness from Starbucks and made her way to Euphoric Hands Therapeutics for her one hour hot stone massage. When she entered the door, the receptionist had her back turned towards her but quickly turned to acknowledge her.
“Well isn’t this a pleasant surprise! Good afternoon, Tiffany.”
With a huge smile, Tiffany said “Hey, Angela!” The two never talked about where she worked in their interactions. Tiffany, tried not to pry into her client’s personal lives.
“How are you?”
“I’m doing well, came in to pamper myself today a little bit, I think I deserve it,” she said with a little giggle.
“Oh, I’m sure you do. Well let me take you back to your room.” Angela lead Tiffany back to the room she would be in for her massage. The room smelled of fresh lilies and lavender, the lights were dimmed and light jazz was playing at Tiffany’s request. The mood was nothing short of an oasis of peace and tranquility. Angela left the room and Tiffany had gotten undressed and was under the warm sheets when her therapist came into the room. “Hello, Mrs. Newton, my name is Danni, I’ll be your therapist today. I have read your preferences. If there is too much or not enough pressure, please let me know.”
“Ok, Danni, I sure will. Thank you.”
“Great, now just relax and I’ll go ahead and get started.” Five minutes into her massage Tiffany was so relaxed she fell asleep and was off to dream land.
It was as if she was a ghost in this recurring dream. The young girl couldn’t be any more than thirteen years old but Tiffany could never see her face. She was always standing or sitting in a position that prevented it. And there was always an older woman in the dream with this young lady, helping her get dressed. The young girl’s attire always consisted of one of three things: An all-black dress, an all red dress, or a neon pink fitted skirt with a matching fitted shirt. Her hair was always freshly done and she appeared to be applying make up to her face. It was as though Tiffany was watching some sort of movie. When the woman finished prepping the young girl, they would always walk hand in hand out the same front door with the wooden cross above it. And after a short walk, they would be standing in front of the same worn house with the broken wire fence, patches of worn, grass with three steps that lead to the big rusted red door of the house. Before they would depart one another, it would appear that the woman would have a conversation of some sort with the girl that was not to the girl’s liking because she would always wipe tears away from the girl’s eyes, kiss her on the cheek, and send her off into the house alone. Shortly after, the girl would reappear and the two would be walking away. And this is when the dream takes a turn every time. It seemed like the young girl could see Tiffany. She would always reach for her and say, “Help us, Tiffany!” and the dream would fade away.
“Mrs. Newton, I’m finished. It’s my hope that you enjoyed your service today enough to come back and see me again.”
“Absolutely, Danni, I will be back sooner than later. That was the best thing I have done in a very long time.”
“Thank you. I look forward to seeing you again soon. There is a bottle of water on the table for you and you can come out
when you’re ready.” Tiffany got dressed, drank her water, and headed to the front desk where Angela was waiting to schedule her next appointment.
“So, when would you like to reschedule?”
“Let’s go for two weeks.”
“Ok, I can do that. Here you go, two weeks from today same time with Danni.” Angela handed Tiffany an appointment card and a coupon for 15% off her next visit.
“Thank you, Ang.”
“Not a problem at all.”
“Well, I guess I’ll get out of here. I will be calling you in a few days with your finalized details.”
“Ok, enjoy the rest of your day and drink plenty of water.”
“Will do.” When Tiffany walked out she looked for her van, but quickly remembered she was feeling herself this morning and chose to pull out her emerald green Camaro her husband had surprised her with for her birthday the year before. She slid into the driver’s seat, turned her cell phone ringer back on, and saw that she had seven missed calls from an unknown number. Tiffany had to remind herself of the day she was having and talked herself through the panic attack that she felt slowly creeping up in her spirit. She calmed herself and checked to see if there were any text messages or voicemails left and there were none of either. She then removed her sunglasses from the case and placed them on her face, started her car, opened the sunroof said, “Not today Satan.” She took off to finish up her stress-free day. On the way to lunch, she called Chris to remind him of his duties for the evening.
“Hello.”
“Hey, there. I was just calling to remind you to get the kids and that dinner is in your hands tonight.”
“Oh, I remember. How has your day been going?”
“It has been fantastic! I’m headed to grab a bite to eat and catch up on a few things on my laptop now.”
“Ok, sounds good.”
“I’ll be home in a few hours. I am so glad I took advantage of you working first shift today.”
“I can tell,” Chris said in a sarcastic voice.
“Ok, see you soon. Love you.”
“Love you, too. Bye”
“How many for you today?”
“Just one.”
“Ok, follow me please.” The hostess lead Tiffany to a high-top round table in the middle of the bar area.
“I’m sorry, would you mind if I sit at one of the booths, please?”
“No, ma’am, which one would you like?” Tiffany selected one at the end so that she wouldn’t be distracted by the people coming into the restaurant. She noticed a gentleman sitting in the booth adjacent to hers. He was clean shaven with a dark complexion, long locks, and piercing grey eyes. She couldn’t see his shoes or his nails. That was her tell all about a man. May would always say to look at a man’s hands and feet. It was her belief that if he kept his hands and nails clean, his hygiene and his dwelling will match that. And his shoes will let you know what his standards are. When she sat down and made herself comfortable, she couldn’t help but to over hear his conversation that he was having on his cell phone. Of course, it was one sided, but she could only imagine the reaction of the person on the other end of the line. Before he opened his mouth, she admired how nice looking he was and wondered why he was by himself. Then she heard him say “You belong to me and when you take my name, I swear I will kill you if you every try and leave me!” and she understood why! The tone in his voice was one that would cause any woman to tremble in fear. Tiffany quickly grabbed her earbuds and turned her iTunes on to drawn out the ignorance of the so-called man sitting near her. He was an example of why Tiffany had never trusted a man.
“Good afternoon, my name is Sue, I will be your waitress today. What can I get for you?”
Tiffany removed her earbuds and said, “Hello, I think I’ll have a lemon drop to start and an order of buffalo blast.”
“Ok, let me get that started for you. I’ll be right back with your drink.”
“Thank you.” While Tiffany was waiting on her drink she took out her laptop and prepared to start her letter to her best friend. She had to keep in mind the requirements of the assignment. Say things they don’t know about you.
“Here’s your drink. Your buffalo blast will be out shortly. Would you like to place your order now?”
“Yes, that would fine. I think I’m going to go with the Louisiana chicken.”
“Great choice. I’ll get that in for you now. Do you need anything else?”
“No, thank you,” Tiffany replied and popped her earbuds back in and went to work on her homework.
I know this is an unexpected thing, but just take it as a long time coming gift of understanding. I guess you could say. I’m writing because it’s homework, but at the same time, I think it may possibly help you understand the me that you are unaware of. The me that I keep hidden from the light. The me that causes Tiffany to run for cover when she feels like she is not in control. I can recall times when we have disagreed on things and I just shut down and walked away from the situation leaving you to be angry and unsure of our relationship. I have done things that caused you to question the love that I have for you in more ways than one. It was never and is never my intent to hurt you in any way. And for that, I am deeply sorry. Once we became close, I started to feel things that I didn’t want to feel. Things that normal people don’t second guess like love and really caring about how someone else feels. I didn’t know what to do with it so before other feelings and emotions came into play I did what I have taught myself to do since I can remember, block my feelings and pull away from the situation. Growing up I only felt loved unconditionally from my Granny. The others in my life, like my grandmother and mother, were only around when it seemed to be convenient for them. Which, in turn, taught me disappointment, how to be deceitful, and disgraceful, to say the least. I’m sure at times you have just wanted to walk away and cut ties completely. I’m so grateful that God said otherwise. There have been countless times that I have contemplated telling you things about me but just when I think I have enough courage to open up, the fear of judgment comes into play. It has taken me years to get to this point of somewhat understanding me, let alone allowing someone else the chance to understand me. Needless to say, I am broken and flawed. The strong, independent, outgoing, always willing to help someone person you know is depressed, disheartened, devastated, and distressed. So, it’s time for me to unveil myself to you and allow you to see and understand the reasons behind the simple disagreements and the quick attitude and mood swings. Once I feel betrayed by someone, I go into self-defense mode. And yes, I know that isn’t fair, but it’s what I know. I begin to sabotage anything that looks like any kind of honest, loving or caring relationship. Out of fear. Why fear? Because the very people that I thought had a priority to love me in that manner, are the very ones that caused me to change my entire outlook on life and relationships when it comes to matters of my heart. So now I am coming to realize that I wasn’t angry at you because you would postpone our plans to go do things for your mom, I was envious because I was longing for that same kind of relationship with my own mother. I wasn’t angry at you because you seemed to be unbothered when we would have an argument and I wouldn’t talk to you for hours or days at a time, I was angry because it appeared that you didn’t love me enough to come after me and fight for our relationship. I wasn’t irritated by the fact that you didn’t acknowledge the simple things like me remembering your favorite candy or how you like to eat crispy bacon with your frosted flakes in the mornings. I was irritated because that’s what you are supposed to do when you love someone. And because you love me through my anger and you showed me your love through your actions even when I was at my worst. I know that I am capable of being the recipient and the giver of pure and genuine unconditional love. When I think of the word best friend and what it means to me, I think of a person that holds the highest value in your circle. The one you have fun and cry with. The one you can tell your deepest secrets too and know that it will go no further. The one you cal
l without thinking about it when you get good and bad news. The one you pray for and with. I never allowed myself to get close enough to anyone to really feel the comforts and joys in having a best friend during my adolescent or teenage years. Although we have been in each other’s presence for many years, it wasn’t until recently I accepted the fact that you are, indeed, my best friend. And for that I am extremely grateful. I love you, best friend, but the best part for me is to know without a shadow of a doubt is that you loved me when I didn’t love myself!
Love Tiff…
Before she knew it, her letter was complete and she hadn’t even noticed that her food had been brought out and was getting cold. Tiffany removed her earbuds and signaled for her waitress to come over to her to see if she could warm her food. She noticed the unruly man from the other booth had excused himself from the premises. Once the waitress brought her food back, Tiffany enjoyed her lunch, paid her bill, and was on her way home.
CHAPTER 10
T he weeks and months seemed to be flying by since Tiffany started seeing Mrs. Brown. Things were better than they had ever been for Tiffany and her family. She was learning how to handle herself physically and emotionally. It had been weeks since she had taken anxiety medication. Sleeping was getting back to a somewhat normal pattern- with the exception of her reoccurring dream of the young girl and woman. Tiffany had a glow about herself that was shining not only inside, but noticeable by others on the outside too. She was on cloud nine. It was Monday and she was up and ready to start her day by 8am. First thing on the list was an appointment with Mrs. Brown.
Child of an Addict Page 7