The night grew old and Chris took on the task of dinner and preparing the kids for the start of the week and allowed his wife to rest for the day. Tiffany took the time to settle her mind and regroup from the day’s sudden turn of events. Her mind had settled enough for her to get a few things done for her meetings that she had coming up in the week. After about an hour, she was ready to turn in for the night. Chris was already asleep. She climbed in bed, cupped herself neatly in his arm, and was off to dreamland.
***
Tiffany was sound asleep, yet it felt like she was wide awake. Although she was dreaming, it started to become familiar. The young girl in the dream had started to transform into a young adult. The woman who was always with her had started to take on the form of an older woman, as well. Tiffany had started to get more and more from her reoccurring dream as time went on. The house that the girl went into never changed nor did the routine prior to the ladies taking their casual stroll to it, however, bits and pieces had just been added to the dream. The house the girl would go into would always seem to be smoky and full of people. And she would always be led to a bedroom that one would assume belonged to a little girl. The headboard was white with purple and pink roses drawn on it with a matching dresser and nightstand. There were stuffed animals and dolls throughout the room. There was also a chest full of items to occupy a child’s time. Not only had the pep talks stopped, but the girl had stopped putting up a fight when it was time to leave her counterpart. In the dream, Tiffany saw herself sitting on a couch that seemed to be exactly like the one she sat on in the Recovery Room with Mrs. Brown and watched the dream play out like a movie right before her very eyes. The young girl didn’t seem to be asking for help any longer, but didn’t seem at all happy with her situation and each time she would go into the old worn house, she seemed to take the hand of a different person. This night, Tiffany’s sixth sense kicked in and she was able to pick up on a familiar voice, it was the voice of her mother saying, ‘I love you’.
CHAPTER 13
T ime was flying by and Angela’s wedding was three days away. Tiffany had not spoken to her in over a week and was unsure of the situation at hand. She didn’t know if she should try to contact her or just wait for her to call as she said she would. There was something tugging at Tiffany to just call her. She was hesitant, but after contemplating it for a while, she decided to make the call. The phone rang five times and Tiffany had made up in her mind to leave a message should the voicemail pick up. On the sixth ring there was the voice of an older female that answered the phone.
“Hello,” the crackled, weak, and soft-spoken voice said on the other end of the phone.
“Hello, I’m sorry I think I must have misdialed.”
“Are you calling for Ang?”
“Yes, ma’am, I am.”
“You must be Tiffany.”
“Yes, ma’am, I am,” Tiffany said with a very concerned voice.
“This is her mother. Ang is in the hospital. She was shot two nights ago.” Tiffany’s heart dropped. She was at a loss for words but mustered up enough air and oxygen to ask if she was going to be ok. “The doctors say she has a long road to recovery, but she will make it. She is paralyzed from the waist down.”
“My God. I’m so sorry. Do you mind if I ask what happened?”
“Not at all. It was that no good nigga she was with. I told her from the beginning he wasn’t shit!” Tiffany could hear the anger and frustration coming through the voice on the other end of the phone. “She just got tired of him beating on her and pumping her full of drugs of his choice. She told him she was leaving him. It wasn’t the first time she threatened to leave. But, this time was the first time she took the initiative to pack her belongings and put them at the door. She called me and said she was ready. I just had a feeling something was going to go left, so I left the baby with a relative who was at my house and headed to get her. When I got there, all I saw was lights and yellow tape. He had shot my baby and left her for dead. He thought he had made good on his promise. If the people next door to them hadn’t called and reported gunshots, my baby would be in the morgue.” When the police got there, they found her laying on the front porch in a puddle of blood. The once white shirt she had on was crimson red and laying in the grass next to the jeans they had cut off of her. “I got there in time enough to see them load her into the back of the ambulance. The medics all around her wouldn’t let me get to her. All I can remember is one of her girlfriends from the club putting me into the passenger seat of my car and driving me to the hospital.”
“Where is he?”
“The police found him at his mother’s house trying to hide in his car.”
“I’m so glad they found him! Is she allowed to have visitors?”
“No, if you would like to see her, I will call and let them know you are the exception to the rule. I know how much you mean to Ang. She talks about you all the time. Thank you for seeing what I see in my child. She is at Saint Vincent Hospital in the ICU. The code is ‘Grace’.”
“Thank you so much for allowing me to go see her. From the very first day I met her I was drawn to her. There was something in my spirit that I couldn’t shake. God crossed our paths for a reason and until He says otherwise, I will be right here for her. Do you or the baby need anything?”
“We are fine. Thank you for asking, I appreciate that. She was right; you are God sent.”
“Thank you, but I’m only doing what I naturally know how to do. Helping others that have a need. I’m going to cancel a few meetings and head to the hospital. If you need anything, call me please.”
“I will. And thank you again.”
Tiffany immediately called her clients she was scheduled to meet with that day and rescheduled due to a family emergency. She pushed the button to gain access into the ICU ward and waited for someone to answer. “How can I help you?”
“I’m here to see Angela Howard.”
“Passcode, please.”
“Grace.” The doors began to open for Tiffany to walk through, she made her way to the nurse’s station to obtain Angela’s room number. She was in room 752. Tiffany was anticipating the worst as she walked in the room. She had prepared herself for beeping machines, IV’s everywhere, and Ang’s lifeless body lying still on the hospital bed. When she reached the room, she took a deep breath before opening the door, but what she found was Ang lying in the bed staring out of the window. The IV bags were on either side of her, but no other machines were connected. Without saying a word, Tiffany pulled the chair up to the side of the bed, took Angela’s hand, and sat and wiped away tears for what seemed like hours.
Finally, Ang said, “What am I supposed to do now? How am I going to provide for my child?”
“You will figure this out just like you have done everything else. I’m sure you are scared and don’t know where to start, but just trust that He has you right where he wants you. Do you remember what happened?”
“Yes, the last four nights he has done everything to destroy what dignity I had left. I was forced to have sex with his friends and he pumped me full of cocaine and God only knows what else. I was so out of it, I didn’t even know what day of the week it was. I was in the bathroom when I heard him speaking to someone on the phone about a private party I had no clue I was working. I didn’t know if I would come out of that party alive. He had me so drugged up and delusional I didn’t know what I had been on or how many men I had been with. The next binge could have taken me out of here. I decided to stand in my truth. I was spiraling out of control and if I didn’t take control and fight for me, no one else would. I texted my mom and told her I was leaving him and that I would call her when I was done packing my things. After I gathered my belongings, I called him and told him I was leaving and would not be returning. He was furious. He told me I better not step one foot out of the house or he would kill me. I hung up the phone with him and called my mother and told her to come and hurry. She was only about fifteen minutes away in traffic so I
was pretty confident she would make it to me before he returned. On a normal day, he would be gone for hours, but not that day. It seemed like he was there two minutes after he hung up. He grabbed me from behind by the neck and threw me to the ground. It happened so fast I didn’t even have a chance to react. And right as he went to slap me for the hundredth time, he saw my things by the door. That must have made it evident to him that I was serious about leaving. It was like he took on a new personality. He stopped dead in his tracks, calmly got up and walked to the back room. All the while, he had a look of disbelief and mystery on his face. I got up as fast as I could, grabbed what bags I could, and started out the door. As soon as I took two steps out of the door onto the porch he said, ‘Bitch you must have thought I was playing!’ I heard the gun go off but was too scared to even turn and look at him. Seconds later, I felt a burning sensation in my back and fell to the ground. I heard my neighbor screaming ‘Call 911!! She is shot!’ I remember praying like I never have, asking God to spare my life so that my child would not grow up without me. I ask Him to let me live so that I can change the legacy I leave for her. And I woke up here with my mother sitting in the very spot you’re in, praying and rocking. When I called her name, she opened her eyes and they looked to be jumping with happiness. That happiness quickly turned into a look of worry and concern when I asked her how long I had been here and how bad it was. That’s when she told me my prognosis. But you know what, I don’t hate him.”
“Hate who, Ang?”
“Mike. Was he wrong for doing it? Yes, but I have to take some of the responsibility. I had chance after chance to leave and didn’t. I stayed for the wrong reasons. Money, cars, clothes- you name it and I had it with him. I know now, firsthand, what it means to gain the world and lose your soul. I pleaded with God to live. He saw fit to let me, so I have to make the best of my situation. If I was ever weak in my walk with God, this ordeal has opened my heart and soul one hundred percent to who and what he is. When I think about it, I have been flirting with death and life by living the life style I was. I recall asking Him several times to help me out of it. The day he allowed this to happen I was at my lowest. I have to believe that this is His deliverance for me. He showed me grace and mercy.”
“Ang, that’s your testimony. He sometimes has to let us hit rock bottom in order for us to come back to Him. We may not understand, but as long as we believe and keep the faith, He will reveal the purpose. There came a time for me that I just had to set aside quiet time just to talk to God. I started getting on the morning prayer line with my church family. I started fasting throughout the day and praying for myself like my Granny used to do. It was in that time that I found peace and strength in the most frantic and dysfunctional moments. You are not alone. You have the obvious people in your corner; your mom, the baby, and now you have me. We are going to get through recovery and you will come out better than you have ever been. Do you trust what I’m telling you Ang?”
“Yes.”
“Then let’s just leave the past behind us. We can’t move forward with it, it’s too heavy. We as women have mastered the art of being strong, so much so that we have a fear of showing someone we have weak moments, too. It’s just so much easier to appear hard than to show we are really weak and fragile. We have got to learn how to process the pain for a proper mental recovery. So, I’m going to help you transition over. Not to the new you, but the you that has been covered up by the hurt and pain. Is that ok with you Ang?”
Through her tears and exposed emotional scars, she answered, “Yes.”
“This is the beginning of your faith journey. Every day won’t be easy, but the outcome will be all worth it. We are going to start with giving you a place of your own to call home.”
“Tiff, I can’t even think about that. I can’t work and I have nothing and no money.”
“You have money, we just have to get it.”
“What are you talking about Tiffany? I promise I don’t have a dime.”
“You see, when you signed all those contracts for me while I was working on your wedding, you never took the time to read the fine print. It states that if the bride or the groom are unable to attend the wedding due to medical reasons, the parties would be entitled to a refund of all but ten percent of the monies rendered”.
“Tiffany, are you serious right now?”
“Absolutely, you see I’m a business woman first and foremost. I cover my own ass, then I cover my clients. I have the rest of the day to myself. I’m going to let you get some rest while I go to work on getting your money back. I’ll be back tomorrow, ok?”
“Alright, that sounds good.” Tiffany bent down and lightly kissed Ang on her forehead. As she walked out of the door, she stopped and wrote her name and number on the board for any nurse that cared for Ang. As she was leaving out, Ang called her name. She turned and looked at Ang.
“Is there something wrong?”
“No, I just wanted to tell you I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Within an hour of leaving, Tiffany had all of Angela’s refunds in route back to her. And was working on things to help Ang’s mother care for her baby girl while she was in recovery.
Tiffany’s time with Mrs. Brown had proven to be the best decision she had made for herself in her adulthood. Although she knew why she was the person she was, she was never able to connect to her true feelings until Mrs. Brown helped her sort out the roots to her dysfunction. Now that she was up rooted from that dysfunction, it was clear to her that she had lingered in it much too long. She never wanted to feel that way again so she found herself, daily, asking for strength just to keep a sane mind and discernment to know when God was speaking to her. She was learning what her purpose was and standing upright in it.
It was her last session with Mrs. Brown before they went to once a month. It was bittersweet for them both; Tiffany felt like she had gained a true friend in Mrs. Brown. It was the first relationship she went into without a mask on. Mrs. Brown knew everything Tiffany knowingly knew about herself. Which was a new experience for Tiffany, and took months to adjust too. But she was now comfortable enough to go and talk freely to her about any situation that she came to paths with. In the previous session, Tiffany was given the assignment of writing a letter to herself. In that letter, she was to release herself from the many masks she had been wearing for years. It was now time for Mrs. Brown to stretch Tiffany across the Recovery Room couch one last time and allow her to listen and hear her own words, but this time to herself. It was time for her to allow her own chains and strongholds to break before her. Her mountains would become mole hills and terrors would now be her testimonies. “Alright Mrs. Newton, take a deep breath. Try to empty your mind of any thoughts you may be having. I want your mind clear so that you can hold on to the words you are about to hear. I’m going to count you down from ten and then I’ll start reading.” In a soft and gentle tone, Mrs. Brown began her count down while Tiffany took steady deep breaths in hopes of keeping a clear mind.
At what point did we decide to shut down and build the red brick wall around us? I think it must have been well before we reached puberty. By then, we knew not to believe a word spoken by them. By the time we were a teen, we had witnessed enough that our heart was stoned and sealed. There was no vacancy for the things that should’ve occupied our heart like love or compassion. We had found a way to overlook the facts of our reality. Can you imagine what and where we would be if God had not prepared for us fifty years before by creating Granny? I honestly believe she was placed on this earth for us. We were afforded the ability to accomplish things nobody expected us to. We made a sound decision not to follow the lead of generations before us and have succeeded, for the most part. It doesn’t erase the fact that even with the accomplishments, there were always the hidden burdens of our truth. The truth that we felt obligated to hide for fear of judgmental and righteous people. Even the ones that claimed to be there no matter what. The ones we have once called friend or fa
mily. The ones that we have helped along the way, yet they betrayed us. The ones we tried to trust, but they turned around and used the information as a weapon of mass destruction. The pain was, and is, still so active that it has become a relevant part of our DNA. Do you remember how angry we would get when people would say things like ‘You are just like your mother’ or ‘You’re going to be just like her’? To this day, it still infuriates me to no end for someone to say that shit. It’s very possible that when one speaks those words, they could simply be speaking of a mannerism that they saw. But just to be compared to her was the worst thing anyone could ever say. When the truth of the matter is, she is a part of us and very much one of the reasons why we are who we have grown to be today. It’s time for us to live without the wall. It’s time for us to release things that are keeping us from our destiny. This is our season of recovery. The time has come for our heart to come out of hibernation. It’s time for us to love without measure and trust without doubt. People are going to be people. We are going to be hurt we will be disappointed and let down by them, that’s life and we are all human. So, we have to anticipate the pain and alter the outcome. We are now equipped with the tools we once didn’t have. The knowledge and understanding of how to work through and communicate our pain. We don’t have to hide it or allow it to hinder us anymore. We will set our own boundaries and make our own decisions on who is a part of our life and who’s not. We will use the word no, and use it in a way that is non-negotiable. We need to get in alignment and get ready to walk through the door God has been waiting so patiently to open for us. So, not only do we have to forgive them, we need to forgive our self. That’s the hard part. True enough, it won’t come over night, but if we ever want to experience true, carefree happiness, it has to be done. Outside of marriage and kids, we have never given anyone else the opportunity to love us. We have never trusted anyone else to give us what we should have gotten from the ones that created us. Ever since I can remember, the expectation has been to be ready for someone to walk into our life say all the good stuff and turn around and walk right back out. But not anymore, we are just going to love. Anybody can say it, but who actually does it, is the question. So, today Little Miss Seven year-old Tiff, the adult you, Mrs. Tiffany L. Newton, is releasing you from the bondage in which you are trapped and suffocated in. We no longer have time to think about what the next person thinks or feels about us. It’s time for us to recognize and address not only the damage others have caused us, but also the unnecessary damage we have caused our self. No more questioning why. No more feeling unworthy of anything. And, most importantly, no more allowing people to say and do what they please to you. We will be significant, not only to others, but to our self as well. The newfound love that we have for self will not be contained within. People will see and know that we are not only standing in a new form, but walking in a new light. We will love. We will allow others to love us. The skeletons are out, the cup that was once empty is now full. There is nowhere to run, nowhere to go but up. It’s time to trust His plan He has prepared for us. He sees us working hard to complete the task laid before us and he does understand it is hard. But we have to find favor in the sight of His glory and know that it is enough to sustain us. Today is the beginning of our faith walk. I have no idea where it’s going to lead us, but I do know that we have been through too much for the outcome to be anything short of amazing. It’s going to be something we could have never done staying in the place we were. So, before I close, I need to tell you these last few things. Tiffany L. Newton, you are worthy, you are uniquely you, you are important, you are intelligent, you are beautiful, you will be successful, you are and have always been covered by the blood of Jesus, you are enough, and most importantly I LOVE YOU!
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