by Haley Cass
Wide-eyed, and feeling her cheeks burning as a low-key panic set in, Sutton looked frantically around for a napkin, “I – I’m sorry! I can go get –”
Her spluttering apology was cut short by a tight smile, and Sutton tried desperately to convince herself that in spite of a sinking feeling that the tone for the evening wasn’t set in stone.
The second date went a little bit better. Kind of. As in, no liquids were spilled.
They managed introductions, this time a short girl who seemed to be around her own age, who gave her a pleasant smile. Laura was her name, and she had brown hair that was a little duller than Charlotte’s –
Nope.
“What is it that you do, Sutton?” she asked, leaning in on her elbow, lifting an inquisitive brow.
She let out an audible breath of relief – this much, she could do. She found herself smiling slightly as she kept her hands safely and firmly folded in her lap. “I’m getting my graduate degree at NYU right now, in literature. I graduate in May.”
By the time she was done, Laura’s smile dropped. Her own felt plastered to her face as she wondered what in the world she could have possibly said wrong.
She didn’t have to wait long to find out.
“A degree in literature? What can you actually do with that?” She didn’t give Sutton a chance to answer, though, before she continued, “I mean, if you’re going to get a degree in literature, you might as well just throw your money away.”
The third went . . . a little better. Candace, her nametag read, and she sat down with a slightly reserved smile that Sutton thought might match her own.
After the first two horror speed dates, though, she figured it just had to get better.
They sat in a slightly awkward silence for a few moments before Candace let out a self-deprecating, “You’d think after doing so many of these kinds of things, I’d be used to them by now.”
Sutton found her smile growing, relaxing her shoulders, because finally, this sounded like something she could relate to. “I know. I mean, kind of. I’ve never actually been to one of these kinds of events before.”
“New to SapphicSpark? What did you use before?” she asked, looking genuinely curious.
“Um, nothing? I’ve never really done the online dating thing.”
Candace’s eyes widened. “How did you find women before? You found them all in real life?”
A quick, harsh laugh escaped her before she could help it and she quickly shook her head. “No, no. That’s not – I’ve never . . . I mean, I’m new to all of this. Dating women.”
The most awkward way to explain it, really, but it seemed that Candace understood when her smile dimmed remarkably. Sutton’s only experience with any queer woman so far was really limited – only Charlotte. But Charlotte had never judged her for not having been with a woman before.
It took less than a minute for Candace to launch into an aggrieved story about her ex-girlfriend – a bisexual, something Candace was not interested in, because she’d had left her to go back to a previous boyfriend.
The entire rest of the three and a half minutes they had together left Sutton with her stomach churning uncomfortably, and a bad taste in her mouth. Biphobia was clearly alive and kicking, and Sutton hadn’t experienced it firsthand before this.
By the time the fourth woman sat down, Sutton had already lost all hope; it wasn’t as though she’d really had much of it to begin with.
“I’m Sutton, I’m a graduate literature student, and I’m a newly-out bisexual,” she blurted out, as soon as their five minutes began.
Her eyes widened when she realized that she’d actually said that out loud. Christ. All she wanted was to just lay her head on the table as she could feel her cheeks burn. She honestly expected the woman to hear all of that and decide to walk away of her own accord.
Shoulders slumped slightly in defeat now, she took in a deep breath as she closed her eyes. She’d known there was a reason she shouldn’t have come tonight.
The woman, who was nearly as tall as Sutton herself, with shortly cropped brown hair, only smiled with what appeared to be sincere amusement. “I’m Allison, I’m a nurse, and I’m a lifelong lesbian. Would you like to know my sign, too?”
Her smile made some of the tension that had set in her shoulders loosen just a little as she managed one back. “I suppose it couldn’t hurt.”
“Well, I’m a Gemini.” She propped her elbow on the table to lean in and whisper, “And, to be entirely honest, I’m thrilled that you were made a one while I was a two; as soon as you walked in, I noticed you. And, if I’m not mistaken, I thought you might have been looking at me, too.”
Flattered, embarrassed, Sutton shrugged. “Honestly, I was just trying to take it all in,” she was about to dive into the fact that she’d never been somewhere where they were so many queer women, when she saw Allison’s face fall, smile dimming.
It took Sutton a moment to realize what she possibly could have said wrong. But when she did, it was too late to salvage, and she honestly wouldn’t know how, anyway.
The fifth woman who approached her table had big brown doe eyes, and long light brown hair, with a knowing smile. The combination made Sutton’s stomach swoop for a moment, causing her to sit up in her chair, defeated posture deserting her in a second.
Her nametag read Bella, and she gave Sutton a sympathetic look. “Rough time of it tonight? I know, some of the women can come off a little . . . strong. Sometimes I can be one of them,” she threw in with a light laugh.
She found herself smiling back without much effort. “I’m just not used to it, I suppose. I’ve barely even used the app, let alone something like this.”
Bella tossed her curls over her shoulder as she shrugged easily. “I don’t often come to these events myself. But work has been crazy busy lately, and I haven’t really had a moment to be able to try to find a date on the app, so I thought why not?”
It was in that moment that the spark of attraction she’d had fizzled out.
Because Sutton realized with a disturbed startle, that the only reason she was feeling it was because Bella reminded her a bit of Charlotte.
Abruptly, she stood. “I’m sorry. I’m just – I can’t really do this. You’re very beautiful.” Obviously, because she reminded her of the object of her affections. “And you seem nice, but this isn’t really for me. I’m sorry,” she apologized again in a rush, before reaching back to grab her jacket.
Ducking her head, she crossed her arms as she made her way back to the check-in table, and handed her blank piece of paper back to Alia.
“Leaving so soon?”
Sutton fumbled slightly with her jacket before managing to slip it on, the nervous knots in her stomach finally loosening with the prospect of leaving. “I’m not . . . good at this,” she settled on, “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize, we’re not holding you captive,” Alia joked, before she placed the paper and pen back on the table. She gave Sutton a contemplative look. “I hope you don’t take offense to this, but you don’t seem like your heart is really in this.”
She opened her mouth to automatically refute, but caught herself. “It’s not. I’m not really – I’m not very good with talking to women.”
Alia gave her a shrewd look. “While I don’t entirely doubt that, I’m feeling there’s something else there.” She quirked an eyebrow, “Come on. Let me get you a drink.”
Sutton flushed before she shook her head. “I’m not really . . . I mean. I do find you attractive and the few minutes I spent talking to you went better than the time I spent talking to anyone else. So, maybe in another universe where I’m not a disaster at this –”
Alia cut her off with a laugh and a hand at the small of her back, leading her to the bar. “Don’t worry, this isn’t me picking you up. Though in another universe where you weren’t a disaster –” she winked, “– and I wasn’t working, I would be trying. Think of this as a little advice session from an expe
rt.”
Sutton allowed herself to be guided as she gave Alia a skeptical look. “An expert?”
“I do work for a company that helps create dating matches. Basically an expert. Expert enough to know that there’s something going on in your cute head besides nerves,” she said smartly.
Instead of answering, she looked around the room, “Shouldn’t you be . . . doing whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing?”
Alia only shrugged as they got to the bar, and she gestured for Sutton to take the seat next to hers. “I was only helping out with check-in tonight because my mom was shorthanded. Besides, I was just watching everyone on their dates. You know, people getting drinks spilled in their laps and all.” A wide shit-eating grin slid over her face.
“You were watching me?”
“I had a feeling you would be a good person to pay attention to, and I was clearly right.”
Sutton wasn’t sure how to feel about that, but the bartender came to fix their drinks before she could think too much about it.
He gave them an encouraging smile, before leaving their drinks on the bar. Sutton took a sip of her daiquiri and looked down at the bar, worried that in this momentary silence the awkwardness she’d felt all evening would come back.
At least, until Alia tapped her fingers on the bar. “So, tell me about her.”
Surprised, and a bit embarrassed, because was she really that easily read? She played dumb. “Um, who?”
“Come on.” Alia rolled her eyes, “The woman that you’re hung up on. Look, I’ve been doing this long enough to know she exists. So, tell me about her. Is she an ex?”
Sutton quickly shook her head. “No, she’s . . . a friend.” The evening was already shot, so why not own it?
“Straight?”
“No, she’s definitely gay,” she murmured, her mind easily imagining all of Charlotte’s flirting looks and light touches and suggestive comments.
Alia gave her an incredulous look. “And this definitely gay woman who you’re friends with, doesn’t want you?”
“I don’t . . . well, I don’t know.” She frowned and lightly drew her fingertip around the edge of her glass. Her heart pounded in her chest as she recalled the memory for what had to be the thousandth time. “I think she might be attracted to me. I mean – she almost kissed me. We almost kissed,” she rushed to add, because it seemed important for some reason. “But then . . .”
She trailed off, thinking of the memory. Thinking about how, when Charlotte had leaned in to her, she’d felt – felt like she was out of control somehow. Like her body was wanting in a way she’d never felt before, and that alone was enough to alarm her.
“Ah, that’s more like it.” Alia tilted her head slightly, drawing up a dark eyebrow as she guessed, “And you . . . didn’t want her to?”
Embarrassingly vigorously, Sutton shook her head. “I did! That was what was so . . . daunting,” she confessed.
The truth of the matter was that Sutton had wanted to kiss Charlotte that night on her couch. They weren’t dating, they weren’t even in the “pre-stages” of dating that Sutton had been in with men before, and she knew that Charlotte wasn’t even interested in relationships at all. All of those factors should have meant that Sutton shouldn’t have been so drawn in; it should have all boiled down to the fact that even though she liked Charlotte – despite the fact that she liked her, even – she normally wouldn’t be so tempted.
But she was.
Even though she knew everything about Charlotte’s experiences with women and the fact that she definitely didn’t want to be anything more than Sutton’s friend in terms of relationship status . . . she wanted her, still.
It had been that realization that night, as Charlotte’s thumb had stroked over her inner thigh and she’d felt how warm her hand was through her leggings and she’d immediately been ridiculously turned on, that had made her squeak out Charlotte’s name.
Which had, in turn, ruined everything, as Charlotte had pulled away and shut everything down, and hadn’t brought it up since. She’d easily pretended it hadn’t happened, which confused Sutton more than anything.
Rolling her eyes at herself, she bit her lip and tried to avoid Alia’s confused stare. “She was going to kiss you and you wanted her to! What was the problem?”
It was strange to talk about this with someone who wasn’t Regan, or even Emma. Someone who had been legitimately checking her out, who was interested in women. But, she found that she kind of liked it – an outside perspective – and she debated exactly how to answer, or what exactly she should say, before settling on, “It’s complicated. She’s not – she doesn’t want to be in a relationship, and we’re friends. She’s very . . . experienced. And I’m not. And she was the one who pulled away from the almost-kiss, so.”
She ended with a simultaneous sigh and shrug, because she truly didn’t know where Charlotte stood in this. Even as she felt like she knew her pretty well, she also couldn’t read her.
It was confusing and obviously she spent too much time thinking about it – about her – but she couldn’t stop.
Alia was giving her a sympathetic look. “You really do have it bad for her, don’t you?”
Sutton worried at her bottom lip. “It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t have it bad for me.”
“But she was going to kiss you! You just said so yourself,” Alia sounded exasperated.
“Except, she didn’t,” she reminded her, “She’s recently made the choice to be celibate, after many years of being very, uh, active. So maybe the almost-kiss was because of that?”
Alia sat back. “So, she used to sleep around but now she’s celibate. And she doesn’t want a relationship, anyway. And you want a relationship, usually, but you want to fuck her even if it doesn’t mean being in love?”
Blushing furiously Sutton took a surreptitious glance around to make sure they had privacy, which of course they did since everyone else was still on their dates. She slowly nodded, “I guess so, yes.”
“And you’re seeing this as a problem?” Alia asked, her voice raising slightly. Enough that if they had people actually around them, they would have garnered some attention. Sutton refrained from glancing around again, and instead took in the slightly excited look on her face.
“Isn’t it?”
She knew she was right to not trust the look on Alia’s face the moment she asked, “Haven’t you ever heard of a little thing called friends with benefits?”
Flustered, Sutton’s mouth fell open, “I’m – of course. But that’s – I’m not – it’s not me.”
“Who says it’s not? Have you ever been in a situation like this before?” Alia challenged, arching an eyebrow with damning precision.
Sutton paused for a moment before she slowly answered, “Well, no.”
There had never been anyone before who made her want like this. She’d wanted Kyle back when she was a teenager, yes, but there had been no proof that he’d ever cared for her the way she knew Charlotte did already.
Alia nodded. “You know what you have to do, don’t you?”
Sutton was almost afraid to ask. “What?”
“You just have to tell her! Look. This woman was going to kiss you – maybe she’s celibate and misses sex or maybe she wants you just as badly as you want her,” she smirked at Sutton, and she flushed even as she shook her head; she couldn’t imagine Charlotte Thompson wanting her as acutely. Actually, she knew she didn’t, because, well, there hadn’t been a kiss! Still, Alia continued, “Either way, it needs to be done.”
Astonished, eyes wide, Sutton managed to splutter out, “I can’t do that!”
God, even imagining it . . . she swallowed thickly and took a shaky breath. She’d probably pass out.
“You’ve never, in your life, just told someone that you wanted them?” Alia stared at her, forehead crinkled.
“No!” She could hardly even manage the thought. “That’s – people don’t do that.”
People didn’t d
o that, usually, right? Unless you were Charlotte or Regan or, she guessed, Alia and – wow, maybe people did do that.
She received an indulgent smile. “You came here tonight. What did you think most of the women were going to want?”
Sutton shrugged both of her shoulders, before she slid her hands into her lap, grasping at each other. “I’m not sure. I thought maybe to find someone to date?” she offered with an exasperated huff of breath.
It was called speed dating, after all. Surely she couldn’t be the only person who thought this was about dating!
A sly smile adorned Alia’s face, “I love that you think that. Some, sure, some people are here for that, too. Regardless . . . look, Sutton. You’re, by your own words, inexperienced and a disaster at talking to women. Which would all improve with time, but just consider this: would you rather be here tonight, or are you only here to try to not think about your friend?”
Sutton flushed, but remained quiet, because the answer was evident.
“That’s what I thought.” A knowing glint reflected in her eyes. “Honestly, the only thing you should apologize for tonight is that you aren’t going after what you really want. Or should I say, who you really want.”
Sutton groaned. “How am I supposed to do that, then? I can’t just . . . I can’t just go to her apartment and say, hey, let’s sleep together.”
Alia gave a thoughtful hum, “Well, I wouldn’t say you can’t do that. Trust me, Sutton Spencer, you’d be surprised with the results you can get by being direct.” She finished her drink, before leaning forward to tap Sutton lightly on her knee, “Look. She clearly already finds you attractive, but there’s something holding her back. So it’s up to you to go for it, and I think you’ll regret it if you don’t.” She gave it a moment to sink in before hopping off of her seat. “Now, I’ve got to call for a break for the women who haven’t got a friend on their minds.”
Sutton sat back, the words echoing over in her mind, as Alia slipped a card onto the bar. “Now, this is me. If you ever want to talk or . . . anything else, let me know.”