by Haley Cass
But this was not the same thing.
Her mom waited until she was alone in the den, and Sutton knew it was coming even before her mom lifted an eyebrow. “Okay, sweetheart, we’re alone. What’s wrong?”
Sutton was surprised by how much she wanted to tell her. at least a little bit. If only to receive some sort of comfort.
How could she get that comfort, though, without telling her the whole story? And how in the world could she ever verbalize to her mother that she’d gone to a woman’s – anyone’s, actually – apartment and ask to have sex? Let alone . . . everything that came after.
She couldn’t.
The words were stuck in her throat.
I like women.
I like a woman.
I don’t know what to do.
She deflated on a sigh, as she picked lightly at the end of her scarf and looked down from the camera with a shrug. “I don’t . . . know how to say it.”
“You’re a surprisingly hard woman to track down on a Saturday afternoon,” Charlotte’s voice came from her doorway, startling her.
Sutton’s eyes widened, and she jerked uncontrollably in her chair as she quickly turned to face her, banging her knee painfully on the underside of the desk in the process. Her cheeks flooded with color, while her heart thudded quickly in her chest. “Charlotte?”
She could hear the shock in her own voice, but it wasn’t as though she was seeing something that wasn’t there. There was no way she could mistake Charlotte, standing there in the doorway of her TA office, wearing a fitted charcoal pencil skirt that was barely peeking out from a buttoned up black peacoat. Her hair was as perfect as always, even when it was lightly tousled from the wind outside.
It had even looked good last night, after Sutton’s hands had run through it, tugging –
She gulped, blinking her eyes quickly to try to push that thought away.
“What are you doing here?”
Charlotte only arched an eyebrow at her incredulously as she took a step into the room.
Her tone was low and firm as she came closer, “Sutton, we need to talk about last night.”
The way her voice dipped slightly made Sutton a little short of breath. Before she stopped breathing entirely, panicked, as she whipped back around to face her laptop, eyes wide. She sincerely hoped that her mother missed the implication in Charlotte’s tone, but well, she didn’t really have much faith in that hope.
There was a questioning lift to her mother’s eyes. Though she wasn’t sitting at attention, Sutton knew she was watching them like a hawk, as she cleared her throat, “Last night?”
Oh, God. She only narrowly resisted the urge to bury her face back in her hands, as she caught the momentary look of surprise on Charlotte’s face. It was quickly covered, though, as she came even closer – her proximity setting Sutton on edge.
She hadn’t even noticed the fact that Charlotte had her hands occupied with two cups until she placed them on the edge of Sutton’s desk, before she leaned down. Tendrils of that soft, light brown hair brushed Sutton’s cheek slightly as Charlotte ducked low enough to be seen next to Sutton in the video chat screen.
Sutton was at a loss for words as she stared at their webcam reflection. She was sitting here, with the woman who’d seen her naked only just last night, the woman who had brought her to orgasm only just last night, the woman who had been running all over her mind and causing her such turmoil all night… and her mother was staring at them with a knowing look that made Sutton’s stomach clench.
Charlotte unsurprisingly recovered faster than Sutton’s thoughts could catch up to her, and she gave Sutton a warm smile that – surely must have been only for show given that she’d run away from her last night and then hadn’t answered any messages. But it felt real. And it was enough to zip through Sutton and warm her to her toes.
“Yes, last night. Sutton was supposed to stay at my place for dinner, but something came up, and she had to leave rather suddenly.”
Dinner? Sutton tried to keep her confusion off of her face, before it quickly fell into simple amazement at the fact that Charlotte was able to come up with a lie so quickly.
Thankfully, Charlotte didn’t seem to even need her to speak, though. She slipped on an easy smile. “You must be Sutton’s mother; the resemblance is unmistakable. Not to mention I’m a big fan. I’m Charlotte Thompson,” she offered, her voice fresh and light and effortlessly charming.
Apparently not to her mother, though, who merely offered a small, polite smile back. Sutton recognized it as the smile she gave to people that she wasn’t sure about yet; her reserving judgment smile. “Yes, I’m Katherine Spencer. Charlotte? Are you a new friend of Sutton’s?”
Sutton could feel Charlotte’s slight pause against her back, and the feeling of it – of her – made Sutton shiver. Which then made her blush all over again, because her mom was watching.
Coughing, Sutton quickly sat up, because what she didn’t need right now was for her mother to question her and Charlotte’s friendship. She was already going to have to explain why she hadn’t told her mother about Charlotte, and she hadn’t the slightest clue what to say.
Because we met on a dating app for gay women?
Because I have a ridiculous crush on her?
“I – sorry, Mom, but I have to go.”
Her mom’s considering look that she’d been giving Charlotte changed into a warm, albeit concerned look as she focused on Sutton. “Okay, honey. I love you.”
Was she being paranoid or did it sound more emphatic than usual?
“I love you, too.”
She lifted her hand in a wave as she leaned forward to hit the button and end the call. And as she leaned back, she was relieved that Charlotte had shifted back to stand next to her desk again.
Suddenly, irrationally, she missed her mother’s presence; because now it was uncomfortable. Now, she bit her lip before she remembered that she was wearing her glasses. She hastily reached up to take them off and put them down on the desk.
Not that it even mattered, really, because Charlotte hadn’t even wanted her when she was stark naked in her bed. It didn’t matter if she saw Sutton sitting in her glasses, with her hair still slightly damp from the shower in a braid over her shoulder.
Damn, she so wished she hadn’t thought of that. She so wished she could take back the last entire twenty-four hours, so she could avoid this entire step in her relationship with Charlotte.
“So you aren’t lying in a ditch somewhere, then.” Charlotte crossed her arms.
Sutton’s breath caught as she felt that guilt from earlier return at having not answered Charlotte’s messages. She squeezed her eyes closed for a moment, running her hands over her face, as she shook her head. “Well. No. Obviously.”
“Obviously,” Charlotte echoed.
And Sutton took that as a moment to look at her. If she could ignore the many of the details of last night, she would be able to marvel at the fact that it had been this woman who she’d had sex with.
“How did you find me here?”
After all, it wasn’t as though she spent many Saturdays here in the TA office.
“It wasn’t all that difficult. I’m a resourceful woman.” She gazed at Sutton for another moment longer, before releasing a sigh.
Sutton wished she knew what the sigh was about. She didn’t seem angry, but . . .“I’m sorry,” the words slipped out of her without much thought. But she meant them.
Charlotte looked genuinely surprised, forehead crinkling in confusion. “You’re sorry?”
God, she couldn’t say this while she looked at her, and Sutton’s gaze fell to her lap, as she ran her palms up and down her jean covered thighs. She couldn’t even sort out the myriad of feelings that were storming through her right now, but she settled on regret.
“I’m sorry for asking you to sleep with me.”
Charlotte was quiet and Sutton dared to look back up at her. Her eyes were closed for a few moments, and when they ope
ned again Charlotte’s face was unreadable as she nodded. “I thought that might be the case.”
“I know that . . .” she trailed off, swallowing hard, but she knew she had to say it, “I know that you were reluctant to do it in the first place.”
Charlotte breathed in deeply, before she gave Sutton an intense look. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
Surprised, Sutton’s mouth fell open. Hurt her? Only her pride. Did Charlotte not remember anything about her crying out for more? The thought made her throat go dry, and she quickly shook her head. “No! No, you – I – no.”
She cringed at herself. Truly eloquent.
Charlotte watched her intently, and she wondered how deeply they were going to delve into this discussion. God, she hoped not too much more. After a few seconds, Charlotte gestured to the chair next to Sutton’s. “Do you mind if I sit?”
Flicking her gaze to the chair in question, she bit her lip, “Uh, well, that’s actually Emma’s chair.”
Charlotte’s lips quirked into that perfect teasing smile. “Do you think Emma would mind, then?”
“Probably not,” Sutton conceded and tilted her head, indicating that Charlotte should sit. Inwardly, she tried to brace herself for whatever discussion could be coming her way.
Charlotte nodded toward the cup closest to her. “It’s a tea, for you. You look like you might need it,” her voice was impossibly gentle.
It made Sutton’s treacherous stomach flutter more, even as heavy anticipation hung over it. Still. She did need it, and she reached out to take the to-go mug between both of her hands. “Thank you,” she murmured.
It was her favorite, made exactly the way she liked it, and she felt a little surge of affection for Charlotte. Her chest felt a little warm, even as she waited for Charlotte to start to bring up hard truths.
When she didn’t, and merely watched Sutton take another sip of tea with a speculative look, Sutton felt herself blush. Because it was apparently going to be up to her to start. So she took a deep breath, before she set the cup back on the desk, her hand still wrapped around it lightly.
“So. Why are you… here?”
“You’re avoiding me after running out of my apartment nearly in tears, and then ask why I’ve come to see you?”
Sutton tensed, her thumb shifting up on her cup to toy with the lid as she tried to think of something – anything – to explain herself. “I wasn’t avoiding you.”
All Charlotte had to do was tilt her head and give Sutton a look – the same one that Sutton imagined she used at work in order to get answers from people. Real answers, the ones that politicians weren’t always eager to discuss.
It worked, though, and it made Sutton fidget, though she didn’t say anything as she averted her eyes back to her desk.
Rather than sound angry or annoyed, as Sutton thought she might, Charlotte only let out a small, quiet sigh. It got her to look back up, and she wished – not for the first time – that she knew exactly what was going on in Charlotte’s mind.
“So, you can look me in the eye and tell me that you haven’t been avoiding me because we had sex?” Her voice was light when she spoke, as if she was talking to an animal that might dart away from her at the slightest provocation. Sutton supposed that she wasn’t entirely incorrect.
This time, her denial wasn’t weak or questioning, and the word slipped out before she could stop it, “No.”
It was the sex that hadn’t happened that had been all wrong. It was the fact that Sutton wasn’t only curious about what it was like to be touched by a woman, but that Sutton had also wanted to touch one. To touch Charlotte. It was how Sutton hadn’t only wanted to experience what it was like to come for a woman, but to make one – to make Charlotte – come for her.
She’d imagined casual sex going very, very wrong in the past for a lot of reasons. But they all involved her not being able to reconcile the very idea of casual sex itself. Not with a stranger and not with someone she liked. Instead, it had been a completely unforeseen curveball that had been thrown into the mix to mess everything up.
She couldn’t say that, though. She couldn’t say any of that. Because it didn’t matter. What mattered was that Charlotte was right, and her shoulders slumped slightly, defeated. Tired.
“Okay. I – well, I did have an appointment to video chat with my family and to watch Alex’s finals tournament. And I do have papers to grade. But I might have been avoiding you.”
“Sutton,” Charlotte’s interjection came swiftly and Sutton didn’t know why exactly, but her tone managed to calm the churning in her stomach. It was soothing, and strangely, so was the way she lightly tapped her fingers against her cup of coffee, before she placed it on the desk next to Sutton’s as she stated, “We’re friends.”
“Friends,” Sutton echoed softly, but her own tone was disheartening as she leaned back in her chair, pulling her hand away from her tea as she reached for her glasses again, sliding them on.
She just… she didn’t know how to deal with being friends with Charlotte after she’d humiliated herself like that. After Charlotte had seen her naked, had been inside of her, had heard Sutton cry out her name.
She didn’t know how Charlotte was looking at her, big brown eyes full of concern that touched Sutton, when Sutton would have fully understood being upset with her for putting their friendship in a tenuous place. As her hand fell from pushing up her glasses into place, she toyed with the ends of her braid.
Charlotte’s lips curved into a smile, before she dropped her hand from her coffee cup and reached out. Sutton’s breath hitched slightly, before she felt Charlotte’s soft fingertips lightly brush over the backs of Sutton’s. Her hands stilled, and she felt herself blush at the light contact, but she couldn’t help it. Even the gentle stroking like that over her own fingers, allowing Sutton to feel the softness of her touch made her heart pound a little faster, and a hot, heavy feeling slide through her.
“We’re friends,” Charlotte repeated, tone unyielding but questioning slightly as she asserted, “And I really want us to continue our friendship. I’ve really come to value it, you know.”
Even though Sutton had known that Charlotte really did care for her, it was surprising to hear a note of vulnerability in her confession.
Her fingers twitched against Charlotte’s as she fought off the urge to flip her hand around and hold on. Which probably wasn’t a good idea at this particular moment in time. Not with everything from last night still freshly between them.
But for the first time since she’d left Charlotte’s in that anxiety-ridden rush, she felt somewhat okay again. Apparently she hadn’t irreparably damaged their friendship, and at that a small smile tugged at her lips.
“I value it, too.”
“Good.” Charlotte shifted to slide her fingers around Sutton’s and give a quick squeeze, her warm, soft palm curving over the back of her hand. Then she shifted back in her seat and out of Sutton’s space as she dropped her hand.
Charlotte’s expression was more serious now as she fixed her gaze on Sutton’s. “We said that sex wouldn’t change anything between us, and I really want that. Nothing has to be strange if we don’t let it.”
Shaking her head, she cleared her throat and leaned back in her chair. Her uncertainty was back again as she ventured, “I know that’s what we said. It’s just… I’ve never…” she trailed off, her hands coming up in front of her, vaguely gesturing as if to reference their whole experience together.
But Charlotte didn’t push for her to finish, and instead she shot Sutton a playful wink. “I know.”
She knew she was too far gone when Charlotte’s teasing wink made her feel comforted.
“How about you act the same as you always have, and I’ll act the same as I always have, and we’ll keep being friends, as we have been?” The playfulness of moments before had dropped, and sincerity shone through.
“And it’s just that easy?”
“It will be that easy if we want it to be.” S
he let that sink in for a moment, before she took her gaze from Sutton’s face and shifted it around the room. “Now, tell me, how do you ever get work done in here when you have no space? I stole Emma’s chair, and I’m practically on top of you.”
Sutton had been feeling somewhat back to normal, before she choked on the air in her throat at Charlotte’s choice of words. Her body tingled at the memory of Charlotte being quite literally on top of her and – God – it was going to take a little while for that image to go away.
Charlotte, for her part, seemed to be affected in a way by her own word choice, and Sutton wondered what was going on in that active mind of hers as brown eyes momentarily lost their focus as they gazed just above Sutton’s shoulder.
Still. Friends. And she made herself stay on the task of their conversation; she had to get used to Charlotte’s teasing comments again, she supposed, because she made them often enough.
“I tend to grade here when everyone else is busy. When I’m alone, it’s actually kind of nice. I’ve got a view and everything.”
She gestured to the small, shitty window that hardly even opened, that faced the brick wall of the building next to them. And she cracked a smile at the dismayed look on Charlotte’s face as she took it in. For the first time in the afternoon, the tension disappeared from her shoulders, and she felt almost playful herself.
“And what a charming view it is.” Before Sutton could say anything, Charlotte looked down at her wrist to her watch, before letting out a reluctant sigh, “I’m sorry to cut this a little short, but I have to get back to my meetings.”
“You – you came here when you were supposed to be having your meetings?” She gaped at her. “They’re not done?”
Charlotte only shot her a quick smile. “They indeed are not done, but I suppose that is the beauty of being in charge. I can call a small break to reconvene after lunch.” She stood, tapping her fingers lightly against Sutton’s desk. “I wanted to surprise visit you so you couldn’t avoid me even longer. And I’m glad I did, even if I might have to stay at the office a little later.”