by Haley Cass
Well, normal for Charlotte now meaning that she knew that Sutton Spencer wanted to touch her and wanted Charlotte to teach her how to make a woman come. Fuck.
As she attempted to get herself back under control, she made the mistake of looking back at Sutton. Who she’d expected to maybe look more relaxed or less embarrassed or something that wasn’t staring at Charlotte, especially with a very concentrated, thoughtful look in her eyes.
“What if . . . maybe friendship is determined by what you want it to be? We could, um, be friends, still. Without making last night a one-time only kind of thing.”
She sincerely wondered if there would ever be a time where Sutton gave her a full day without shocking her. And she kind of hoped that she didn’t.
“Are you suggesting a friends with benefits situation?” She asked, because after all of their miscommunications of the last day, she felt it was necessary. And she tried to tamp down the excitement that shot through her veins at the very idea of it.
Sutton gave a firm nod, meeting Charlotte’s eyes even as that pink blush spread over her cheeks. “Yes. I mean, it would work for both of us, for all of the reasons that I said last night. And I mean. . . you didn’t even get to – to, uh, release your tension.”
Charlotte was very much clear on that. “To make sure that we are on the exact same page . . . you are proposing that we have casual sex?”
Sutton rolled her eyes. “Even though I’ve never done it, I know what friends with benefits is.”
An agreement was already playing on her lips because in an ideal world that would be the perfect situation. There was no way she would be hooking up with another woman in the foreseeable future, not during this election at the very least. So, casual, discreet sex with a woman who was not only gorgeous but her actual friend for the time being . . . it looked like a Christmas present, tied together with a beautiful red bow.
But there was a weariness in her that kept her from agreeing right away. She didn’t want to jeopardize this friendship, because after last night and this morning, she knew that this could be a monumental backfire. And it felt surprisingly shitty to have Sutton avoiding her.
Sutton apparently took her hesitance as a bad indication as she started explaining, “I mean. It could work well, right? Because I could, I mean, you could teach me about sex with women, while at the same time, you could get some stress relief.”
Oh, Charlotte definitely didn’t have to be sold any more than she already was and she breathed in through her nose to hold it for a moment, before slowly releasing. As much as she would love to say yes right now, she knew that letting that base instinct take over was not exactly the best idea.
She reached out to take both of Sutton’s hands in hers to still them from where they were lightly tapping at her knees.
“I’m not saying no – and don’t you dare think that I don’t want you again. But I do think that before we do anything, we both need to think this through. The last thing I want is for our friendship to implode.”
Sutton bit her lip as she nodded, her hands briefly moving to tighten around Charlotte’s. “Okay. Yes. That’s probably a good idea. I’ve never – you know, I’ve never even wanted to suggest something like that before.”
Oh, Charlotte could imagine. And if Sutton thought that made her want her even less, she was dead wrong. “I know, darling. And I’ve also never been friends with someone I’ve had sex with before, so you see we’re both new.”
“I should probably go.” After all, it was getting late, and she’d had a long day, but she was surprised by how much she didn’t want to go, even as she leaned back. “But I don’t want to give Regan another reason to want to kill me.”
“That’s probably a good idea.”
Charlotte was careful to keep a slight distance between them as Sutton walked her to the door, because her body was still buzzing with the high of all that had happened. She refrained from giving Sutton her usual kiss on the cheek before saying goodbye, though.
She wondered if that might be happening a lot now. If they were actually going to do this casual sex friendship, she wondered about how much else would change?
And she wondered if she should be afraid by how very much she wanted it.
Chapter 13
Despite the fact that it was only just past six o’clock on a Friday night, Sutton was sitting comfortably in her bed, already wearing pajama shorts and her favorite sweatshirt that she’d gotten from NYU her first year. Her laptop was set out on the bed in front of her, with her mother on the receiving end of her Skype call.
“Okay, everything is all set. Alex and I have roundtrip Amtrak tickets, set to leave in three weeks.”
Kate smiled, slightly distractedly, as she picked up a pen to write something down on her to-do list that Sutton just knew she had laid out in front of her, “Thanks, hon,” she murmured.
She’d initially been slightly wary to video chat with her mom when she’d asked. It’d been only last weekend, after all, that her mom had overheard part of her and Charlotte’s conversation the night after . . . everything. Torn between knowing she didn’t owe it to anyone to come out to them, but also knowing that her mother would be there for her no matter what – she’d avoided more conversations with her mother in the last week than she ever had.
Which seemed to be futile, as things between them right now seemed to be totally normal.
Her mother checked her watch as she finished scrawling down the travel plans they’d arranged. In all honesty, she could not wait to go back home for winter break in a few weeks.
“My editor is calling at six thirty, sweetheart. I wish we could talk a little longer; we’ve barely been able to catch up this week.”
The words sounded innocent enough, but Sutton swore that there was a little something knowing in her mom’s tone. Then again, she could just as well have been paranoid.
Still, it easily brought that guilt back to gnaw lightly at her, and she cleared her throat, “I – yeah. I’m sorry, I’ve just been really busy with school, with finals coming up soon. We can talk again this weekend.”
Her mom merely lifted an eyebrow, a small glint in her eye that Sutton didn’t want to think too much about – God, she knew, and suddenly Sutton wasn’t looking forward to going home as much if she was going to be subjected to these constant knowing looks that were putting her back on edge – as she hummed for a moment. “Of course, don’t worry about it.”
The unease was still in Sutton’s stomach, but she did her best to just breathe through it, only smiling at her mom.
“I nearly forgot – before we hang up, there is something I want to ask you. I know it’s probably not something you want to discuss, given the private nature, but I’ve been meaning to bring it up.” She paused for just a moment, and it was all Sutton needed for her breath to catch in her throat as her thoughts started to race.
Oh no. Oh, God.
She’d gotten too comfortable too fast, because this was it.
While she had no doubts that her mom was the best mother in the entire world, she always knew when something was going on with one of her children. It was a frightening uncanny ability as much as it was an impressive one. And part of what made her a good mother was that she acted on those instincts.
So, obviously, when she thought that something major was happening in Sutton’s life, she was going to bring it up. She’d been naïve, frankly, to believe otherwise.
Sutton’s stomach churned uneasily and she pressed her hand against it as if that would help, even as she tightly squeezed her eyes closed.
Taking in a deep breath and as much courage as she could muster, she blurted out, “Okay. Yes. I mean, I was kind of expecting this, but I didn’t, um, I mean, I wasn’t…” Cutting herself off, she shook her head slightly. “I’m bisexual – I mean, that’s – I’m attracted to women? Not a lesbian though, I’m fairly positive. So, both men and women,” the words tumbled from her and she cringed at herself.
Because what e
ven?
But now that she started, she couldn’t stop. “It’s just . . . I haven’t always known, you know? I only started figuring it out in the last six months or so, so I didn’t want to – to tell you without knowing for sure.” The words somehow made her feel like a weight was both lifted off of her shoulders but like there was also an added one of uncertainty being blanketed on, and she finally managed to open her eyes. “But I know, for sure.”
Her voice was stronger than she’d expected, and even though her heart was thumping erratically in her chest and her nerves felt like they were tangling together, it felt good to say it aloud to her mother.
Sutton bit her bottom lip again as the rest of her breath left her in a fast exhale, and she looked up at her screen to see her mother’s reaction.
Her mother, who was sitting back in her chair with an expression that Sutton couldn’t quite read on her face. Even though it wasn’t a bad expression – it looked more like a bit of surprise, if anything – it didn’t feel reassuring, and her stomach twisted uncomfortably as her throat grew a little dry.
Her mom wasn’t homophobic – neither of her parents were – and she’d heard so many discussions about fair and equal treatment of everyone throughout the years and had actually seen her parents lead by example. She knew it wasn’t all just meaningless words to them.
Then again, none of her siblings were anything other than straight. Well, none of them had come out as anything other than straight, anyway, so it wasn’t like she knew how her parents would feel knowing it was one of their kids.
Her teeth worried at her bottom lip some more as her thoughts raced.
But before she could say anything – only, what could she say, now? There was no taking back what she’d just revealed – her mom spoke, her voice soft and comforting, “I was going to ask you whether or not you thought it would be apt to invite Chris for the holidays, given his tumultuous family situation, because you know that Alex refuses to talk to me about their relationship.”
And Sutton could only stare back at her as her cheeks burned in a furious, mortified blush, and the humiliation set in. Feeling like she swallowed a rock, her voice came out rough and low, “Oh.” Staring wide-eyed at her mom, she forced herself to speak, “I – I think that would be nice.”
Her voice sounded faint even to herself.
Even though she was tempted, so tempted, to hang up this disaster of a video call right then, she felt frozen, and they sat through a few beats of silence that felt like torture. And she tore her eyes away, instead looking down and focusing on a wrinkle in her comforter. Her hand went to it, picking at the fabric and tugging on it for a second as she cursed herself.
She couldn’t handle it anymore, though, and words started spilling from her lips again, trying somehow to explain herself. Feeling like she had to. “I – I thought you were going to ask… because you sent me that text last week. I know you’ve been able to tell that I’ve been – well, that something has been going on.”
There was an edge of desperation she felt rising inside of her, the backs of her eyes burning with tears that she knew would be coming quickly, because why hadn’t she said anything yet?
But before any other words left her, she heard her mom speak again, this time in a comforting tone that reminded her of warm nights and soft hugs, “Sutton, please look at me.”
Katherine’s voice was warm and nearly pleading in a way that Sutton was not overly familiar with. And even though she was reluctant, she had no reason to doubt that warmth in her mom’s voice; she never had.
This time when she dragged her gaze back to look at her, her eyes meeting such a similar hue through the computer screen, she was presented with a small smile, and – God – the same look full of love that she’d seen many times, as her mom leaned forward toward the camera. “Thank you for telling me.”
“You already knew,” she mumbled, unable to stop herself.
The grin that was on her mom’s face grew a bit, as she shrugged lightly. “I suspected. But even so.” Her expression grew more serious, though, as she seemed to try to search Sutton’s face through the webcam, “You know that this doesn’t change the way I love you. Or the way your father loves you. You’re still our Sutton, no matter who you love.”
And even though she had known that – she did – it didn’t mean that hearing the words didn’t make her feel so much relief that she could have melted right then and there into her bed. “Yeah?”
Those tears pricked at her eyes still, and she quickly reached up to wipe at them with her sleeve.
“Did you doubt it, honey?” Katherine’s voice was so full of concern it could have made Sutton cry even more if she let it.
Feeling silly because of this overwhelming relief, she blew out a breath. “Not… really.” And that wasn’t necessarily a lie but it hadn’t changed the fact that she’d been so nervous to change the way they thought of her. “It’s just, I was scared. I don’t… I’m just figuring it all out now.” She shook her head at herself, because it didn’t even matter, really. What mattered was that she felt lighter already, and her voice was small as she asked, just to make sure, “So, you’re – we’re okay?”
“Of course we are,” her mom’s voice was emphatic and pushed any remaining doubts away from her, before she asked, “Are you okay? I don’t like to think that you’ve been so far from us, worrying about this all alone.”
Sutton pulled her laptop up onto her legs as she leaned back against her headboard, all of the tension leaving her and making her feel like she was made of Jell-O, as she gave her mom a small, teasing smile. It was almost alarming how easy it was to smile now, when only moments ago she’d felt like her world was on a precipice. “Well, I’ve had Regan. I’m okay,” she promised.
And it was true, she was – okay with herself, okay with her sexuality. And she was more than okay now that she knew for sure that her mom knew.
That lightness came trickling in, and with it a crazy sense of peace. It kept her smile in place, even as her phone buzzed with a new text.
She opened it automatically, even though her attention was still focused on her mom, who was giving her that warm look that said I love you even more than actual words did.
“I’m glad you haven’t felt alone. And I’m so, so happy you told me, even if it happened because of a slight miscommunication.”
A laugh worked its way out of her throat, her cheeks flushing, as she shook her head lightly.
Her mom continued, “Hon, you should know that the most important thing to me about anyone you date isn’t about what gender they are, but about how they treat you.”
But she only half heard the words, as her attention diverted to the text she’d opened.
Charlotte – 6:19PM
Sweet Jesus, this week has been insane. Are
you busy tonight? I was thinking we could
hang out.
Sutton felt like everything froze, except for her heart, which only skipped a beat before it started to pound rapidly in her chest.
She’d suggested being friends with benefits – she couldn’t even believe she’d managed to get the words out – with Charlotte only a week ago. In all honesty, she was still in a state of disbelief at her own boldness.
She had no regrets about the suggestion. It had been a week. And in that week, Sutton had reflected and thought it over, and fantasized more than she would like to admit.
She wanted Charlotte, which was no secret or surprise. And she wanted her friendship, because Charlotte was a pretty great person. So if Charlotte didn’t want to have the benefits part of the equation, then it would be okay with Sutton. They would keep being friends.
She just thought that Charlotte would have, well, responded in the next few days about whether or not they were going to have those benefits. They hadn’t hung out all week – because not only had Sutton been a bit busy, but Charlotte had been very busy with not only her regular job, but also having three campaign meetings, a photoshoot, and an
other interview.
But they’d texted and talked. At first, every time Charlotte had texted her, Sutton had expected her to have some sort of answer or indicate which way she was leaning regarding this whole proposal that Sutton hadn’t stopped thinking about.
And every time they’d talked, Charlotte acted the same as she always had. As though they hadn’t had sex only last week, as though Charlotte hadn’t told Sutton that she’d wanted her, as though she hadn’t kissed Sutton until her knees felt like jelly. As though Sutton hadn’t suggested they embark on having casual sex.
It was like she’d never suggested anything, and there were times where she wondered if she’d somehow made it all up in her head – even though sometimes she swore she could still feel the way Charlotte’s mouth had felt on hers. Definitely not made up.
But now there was this text.
Hang out? Was that some sort of metaphor? Was this her actually responding to Sutton’s friends with benefits suggestion, after a week of acting like Sutton hadn’t said anything at all?
Okay, no. She was probably just overreacting, right? Just because they hadn’t hung out in person since last weekend when the suggestion was made, Charlotte didn’t have to mean anything other than just… hanging out.
Sutton – 6:21PM
No!
Her eyes widened and she barely resisted bashing herself over her head with her phone because why had she sent that?!
Sutton – 6:21PM
That is, no, I’m not busy. And yes, we can
hang out. Where and when?
She hit send just in time to look back up to catch her mother’s speculative look, and she felt her cheeks burn. Clearing her throat, she waved her phone slightly in front of the camera.
“I – sorry. My friend texted me,” she explained quickly, rushing the words out, before dropping it to her bed and out of her hands, because there was a time and a place for thinking about having sex and it was so not while she was supposed to be having a conversation with her mother.