THE HAGUE CONFERENCE
"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "we're goin' to sind th' navy to th'Passyfic."
"I can't tell," said Mr. Dooley, "whether th' navy is goin' to spend th'rest iv its days protectin' our possessions in th' Oryent or whether itis to remain in th' neighborhood iv Barnstable makin' th' glaziers ivNew England rich beyond th' dhreams iv New England avarice, which ar-rehopeful dhreams. Th' cabinet is divided, th' Sicrety iv th' Navy isdivided, th' Prisidint is divided an' th' press is divided. Wan greatiditor, fr'm his post iv danger in Paris, has ordhered th' navy toreport at San Francisco at four eight next Thursday. Another greatiditor livin' in Germany has warned it that it will do so at its peril.Nawthin' is so fine as to see a great modhern journalist unbend fr'm hismighty task iv selectin' fr'm a bunch iv phottygrafts th' prettiestcook iv Flatbush or engineerin' with his great furrowed brain th' TopsyFizzle compytition to trifle with some light warm-weather subjict likeinternaytional law or war. But men such as these can do annything.
"But, annyhow, what diff'rence does it make whether th' navy goes to th'Passyfic or not? If it goes at all, it won't be to make war. They'vedumped all th' fourteen inch shells into th' sea. Th' ammunition hoistsar-re filled with American beauty roses an' orchids. Th' guns are loadedwith confetty. Th' officers dhrink nawthin' sthronger thin vanilla an'sthrawberry mixed. Whin th' tars go ashore they hurry at wanst to th'home iv th' Christyan Indeavor Society or throng th' free libriesreadin' relligous pothry. Me frind Bob Evans is goin' to conthribute aseries iv articles to th' _Ladies' Home Journal_ on croshaying. F'r th'Hague Peace Conference has abolished war, Hinnissy. Ye've seen th' lastwar ye'll iver see, me boy. Th' Hague conference, Hinnissy, was got upbe th' Czar iv Rooshya just befure he moved his army agin th' Japs. Itwas a quiet day at Saint Pethersburg. Th' Prime Minister had just beenblown up with dinnymite, th' Czar's uncle had been shot, an' wan iv hiscousins was expirin' fr'm a dose iv proosic acid. All was comparitivepeace. In th' warrum summer's afthernoon th' Czar felt almost dhrousy ashe set in his rile palace an' listened to th' low, monotonous-drone ivbombs bein' hurled at th' Probojensky guards, an' picked th' brokenglass out iv th' dhrink that'd just been brought to him be an agedservitor who was prisidint iv th' Saint Pethersburg lodge iv PathrioticAssassins. Th' monarch's mind turned to th' subjick iv war an' he saysto himsilf: 'What a dhreadful thing it is that such a beautiful wurruldshud be marred be thousands iv innocint men bein' sint out to shoot eachother f'r no cause whin they might betther stay at home an' wurruk f'rtheir rile masthers,' he says. 'I will disguise mesilf as a moojik an'go over to th' tillygraft office an' summon a meetin' iv th' Powers,' hesays.
"That's how it come about. All th' powers sint dillygates an' a g-reatmanny iv th' weaknesses did so too. They met in Holland an' they havebeen devotin' all their time since to makin' war impossible in th'future. Th' meetin' was opened with an acrimonyous debate over aresolution offered be a dillygate fr'm Paryguay callin' f'r immeejitdisarmamint, which is th' same, Hinnissy, as notifyin' th' Powers toturn in their guns to th' man at th' dure. This was carrid be a veryheavy majority. Among those that voted in favor iv it were: Paryguay,Uryguay, Switzerland, Chiny, Bilgium, an' San Marino. Opposed wereEngland, France, Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' theUnited States.
"This was regarded be all present as a happy auggry. Th' convintion thindiscussed a risolution offered be th' Turkish dillygate abolishin' waraltogether. This also was carried, on'y England, France, Rooshya,Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' th' United States votin' no.
"This made th' way clear f'r th' discussion iv th' larger question ivhow future wars shud be conducted in th' best inthrests iv peace. Th'conference considhered th' possibility iv abolishin' th' mushroom bulletwhich, entherin' th' inteeryor iv th' inimy not much larger thin amarble, soon opens its dainty petals an' goes whirlin' through th'allyminthry canal like a pin-wheel. Th' Chinese dillygate said that heregarded this here insthrumint iv peace as highly painful. He had anaunt in Pekin, an estimable lady, unmarried, two hundhred an' fiftyyears iv age, who received wan without warnin' durin' th' gallant riscueiv Pekin fr'm th' foreign legations a few years ago. He cud speak withfeelin' on th' subjick as th' Chinese army did not use thesepro-jictyles but were armed with bean-shooters.
"Th' English dillygate opposed th' resolution. 'It is,' says he, 'quitethrue that these here pellets are in many cases harmful to th'digestion, but I think it wud be goin' too far to suggest that they beabolished ontil their mannyfacther is betther undherstud be th' subjickraces,' he says. 'I suppose wan iv these bullets might throw a white manoff his feed, but we have abundant proof that whin injicted into a blackman they gr-reatly improve his moral tone. An' afther all, th'improvemint iv th' moral tone is, gintlemen, a far graver matther thinanny mere physical question. We know fr'm expeeryence in South Africathat th' charmin' bullet now undher discussion did much to changeconditions in that enlightened an' juicy part iv his Majesty's domains.Th' darky that happened to stop wan was all th' betther f'r it. Heretired fr'm labor an' give up his squalid an' bigamious life,' he says.'I am in favor, howiver, iv restrictin' their use to encounters withraces that we properly considher infeeryor,' he says. Th' dillygate fr'mSinagambya rose to a question iv privilege. 'State ye'er question ivprivilege,' says th' chairman. 'I wud like to have th' windows open,'says th' dillygate fr'm Sinagambya. 'I feel faint,' he says.
"Th' Honorable Joe Choate, dillygate fr'm th' United States, moved thatin future wars enlisted men shud not wear ear-rings. Carried, on'y Italyvotin' no.
"Th' conference thin discussed blowin' up th' inimy with dinnymite,poisinin' him, shootin' th' wounded, settin' fire to infants, bilin'prisoners-iv-war in hot lard, an' robbin' graves. Some excitemint wascreated durin' th' talk be th' dillygate fr'm th' cannybal islands whoproposed that prisoners-iv-war be eaten. Th' German dillygate thoughtthat this was carryin' a specyal gift iv wan power too far. It wud giveth' cannybal islands a distinct advantage in case iv war, as Europeensojers were accustomed to horses. Th' English dillygate said that whilemuch cud be said against a practice which personally seemed to himrather unsportsmanlike, still he felt he must reserve th' right iv annycannybal allies iv Brittanya to go as far as they liked. Th'Hon'orable Joe Choate moved that in future wars no military band shud beconsidered complete without a base-dhrum. Carrid.
"Th' entire South American dillygation said that no nation ought to goto war because another nation wanted to put a bill on th' slate. Th'English dillygate was much incensed. 'Why, gintlemen', says he, 'if yedeprived us iv th' right to collect debts be killin' th' debtor ye wudtake away fr'm war its entire moral purpose. I must ask ye again tocease thinkin' on this subjick in a gross mateeryal way an' considherth' moral side alone,' he says. Th' conference was much moved be thispathetic speech, th' dillygate fr'm France wept softly into hishankerchef, an' th' dillygate fr'm Germany wint over an' forcibly tookan open-face goold watch fr'm th' dillygate fr'm Vinzwala.
"Th' Hon'rable Joe Choate moved that in all future wars horses shud befed with hay wheriver possible. Carrid. A long informal talk on th'reinthroduction iv scalpin' followed. At last th' dillygate fr'm Chinyarose an' says he: 'I'd like to know what war is. What is war annyhow?''Th' Lord knows, we don't,' says th' chairman. 'We're all profissors ivcolledges or lawyers whin we're home,' he says. 'Is it war to shoot myaunt?' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny. Cries iv 'No, no.' 'Is it war tohook me father's best hat that he left behind whin he bashfully hurridaway to escape th' attintions iv Europeen sojery?' he says. 'Is robberywar?' says he. 'Robbery is a nicissry part iv war,' says th' Englishdillygate. 'F'r th' purpose iv enfoorcin' a moral example,' he says.
"'Well,' says old Wow Chow, 'I'd like to be able to go back home an' tellthim what war really is. A few years back ye sint a lot iv young menover to our part iv th' wurruld an' without sayin' with ye'er leave orby ye'er leave they shot us an' they hung us up be our psyche knots an'they burned down our little bamboo houses. Thin they wint up to Pekin,set fire to th' town, an' stole ivry thing in sigh
t. I just got out ivth' back dure in time to escape a jab in th' spine fr'm a German that Iniver see befure. If it hadn't been that whin I was a boy I won th'hundred yards at th' University iv Slambang in two hours an' fortyminyits, an' if it hadn't happened that I was lightly dhressed in asummer overskirt an' a thin blouse, an' if th' German hadn't stopped tosteal me garters, I wudden't be here at this moment,' says he. 'Was thatwar or wasn't it?' he says. 'It was an expedition,' says th' dillygatefr'm England, 'to serve th' high moral jooties iv Christyancivvylization.' 'Thin,' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny, puttin' on hishat, 'I'm f'r war,' he says. 'It ain't so rough,' he says. An' he winthome."
Mr. Dooley Says Page 19