by Sam Copeland
‘What a marvellous plan,’ continued Charlie, ‘because my plan was actually not to breathe. And then I might die and not have to listen to ONE OF YOUR AWFUL PLANS EVER AGAIN.’
‘Charlie, what have we discovered causes you to change into an animal?’
Flora asked the question like Charlie was five years old.
‘Stress,’ answered Charlie.
‘And what helps with stress? Think back to our meditation lessons with the mindfulness and yoga teacher. You remember the song she sang?’
‘ “I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt”?’ suggested Wogan.
‘No, Wogan. That wasn’t it.’
‘Oh. I don’t know then,’ Wogan said with a furrowed brow. ‘It’s so difficult!’
‘Come on! You all know! The “Breath is Life” song!’
Mohsen, Charlie and Wogan looked at her blankly.
‘Did none of you listen to her at all?’
Again they looked blankly at Flora.
Flora closed her eyes and began singing:
‘Breathe in life!
Breathe in joy!
A deep breath is more blessed
Than a PlayStation toy!
Deep breath in!
Deep breath out!
Big breath out from your mouth
Suck it in up your snout!’
The song was met with a stony silence from the boys.
‘That really doesn’t ring ANY bells with you?’
The boys shrugged.
‘I don’t know why Miss Rainbow Gaia-Earthchild bothered, I really don’t. You don’t remember any of it? The body relaxing? The visualization techniques? Nothing?’
Mohsen, Wogan and Charlie looked blankly back at Flora.
‘Honestly. Some people. Anyway, the point is deep breathing and imagining beautiful places and stuff relaxes you. Relaxing will stop you stressing. And hopefully – hopefully – that will stop you changing.’
Charlie had to admit it actually wasn’t the worst plan he had ever heard. And right now, as it was their only plan, it was definitely their best plan.
And it was just a day later – just four days before the school play – that Flora’s ‘Miss Rainbow Gaia-Earthchild Relaxation Plan’ was put to the test.
It was a hot sunny day, the sort of day when you couldn’t walk barefoot outside because the pavement burned the soles of your feet, and Charlie was visiting his brother in hospital.
It was now three days away from his brother’s big scan.
Charlie, sweat prickling underneath the collar of his shirt, was sitting on the edge of SmoothMove’s bed waiting for him to reply. SmoothMove was looking very serious, staring at the ceiling, hat on his bald head. After the longest time SmoothMove finally spoke.
‘You promise you’re totally telling the truth. Cross your heart?’
‘Promise. Cross my heart,’ Charlie replied.
‘But that’s unbelievable. Like properly amazing. I don’t know what to say.’
‘I know,’ Charlie said.
‘You’ve actually turned into a pigeon? And a snake? And a spider? That’s just … I’m lost for words. You should be in the X-Men. My brother is an actual, real-life superhero.’
‘Well, I don’t feel like a superhero,’ Charlie said, but he couldn’t help his heart swelling a little at his brother’s words.
‘You absolutely HAVE to keep it a secret, though. Don’t tell anyone. Not even Mum or Dad,’ SmoothMove said. ‘Your life will be destroyed if people find out.’
‘You sound just like Flora.’
‘Sensible girl, that Flora. I’ve always said so,’ SmoothMove said with the hint of a smile in his voice.
‘No you haven’t!’ Charlie said. ‘You’ve always said she’s bonkers.’
SmoothMove laughed. ‘OK! Maybe I got her wrong in the past. But anyway, you NEED to learn how to control it. Because if you can – then, wow, you really will be an actual superhero.’
‘I’m trying,’ said Charlie glumly. ‘Flora has an idea actually.’
‘Good. You should trust Flora.’
‘You know those words have never, ever been spoken before by any human ever.’
Both Charlie and SmoothMove laughed at this. It felt good to see SmoothMove laugh, Charlie thought.
‘So, how you feeling about the big scan then?’ Charlie asked.
SmoothMove looked at Charlie, and another smile crossed his face.
‘Piece of cake. No bother. It’s definitely going to be fine. Get the all-clear and I’ll be out of here.’
‘Aren’t you …’ Charlie left the question hanging in the air.
‘What? Scared? Give over. No way. Not a chance. Not half as scared as you will be when I get to play you at FIFA again. Then you’ll know the meaning of scared. And destroyed. You’ll know the meaning of that as well.’
Charlie wasn’t sure that SmoothMove was telling the complete truth, but before he could say anything else their parents came in and it was time for him to go.
In a move that surprised them both Charlie jumped over and hugged SmoothMove.
‘Get off me!’ SmoothMove shouted. ‘What do you think you’re doing? Stop it! Ugh, now I’ll have to speak to a doctor about getting a cure for a deadly case of Charlie Disease.’
Despite SmoothMove’s words, though, Charlie had definitely felt the soft squeeze of a hug that his brother had given him in return.
⋆⋆⋆
Charlie was playing his Nintendo in his bedroom when it happened. The burning sun had made way for a swelteringly close late afternoon. All Charlie’s windows were open, but there was no breeze. The soft clicking and snipping and digging sounds of his dad gardening drifted in on the still air. His dad had a portable radio outside that was playing soft classical music. It was a moment of stillness and peace.
All it took to break it were two words floating unwanted into Charlie’s mind: What if?
What if SmoothMove’s scan is bad news?
What if he’s not getting better?
What if I never see him again?
The last thought came and the change started happening almost instantaneously. By now Charlie recognized the feelings in his body before they happened. It was like a faint warning alarm going off in the bottom of his mind. His heart beat faster. His stomach felt like it was plummeting down a deep trench to the bottom of an ocean. He knew it was coming.
He was changing again.
OK, quick, Charlie thought. Relax! Breathe!
He put the Nintendo down (being careful to save his game first).
He lay back on the floor, as Flora had instructed, and closed his eyes just as the electricity started shooting through him.
Breathe! thought Charlie. Come on, breathe! Slowly! IN THROUGH THE MOUTH … OUT THROUGH THE NOSE …
No, that was the wrong way round! IN THROUGH THE NOSE … OUT THROUGH THE MOUTH …
The electricity was surging through his body but it felt different this time. Slower. Like a dial that was only turned up to three or four instead of nine or ten.
He wasn’t changing!
IN THROUGH THE NOSE … OUT THROUGH THE MOUTH …
He still wasn’t changing! He’d done it! Charlie tried imagining he was lying on a beach, breathing in calm, peaceful thoughts.
IN THROUGH THE NOSE … OUT THROUGH THE MOUTH …
The swelling electricity was still inside him, though. He could feel it and it wasn’t going away.
Breathe. In. Out.
Was it growing?! Charlie suddenly felt like he was dangling over a precipice, hanging by a piece of thread. And then he felt it snap.
Noooo! Charlie panicked. He was changing! Breathe!
IN THROUGH THE NOSE OUT THROUGH THE MOUTH …
IN THROUGH THE NOSE OUT THROUGH THE MOUTH …
He could feel himself stretching. His body on fire.
IN OUT IN OUT IN OUT IN OUT IN OUT …
He was expanding, his skin toughening and turning grey. He was getting bigger, much bigger than C
harlie. He was going to burst out of the room if he didn’t stop growing soon. He could feel something immense growing out of his forehead.
Charlie knew what it was without looking. And he knew what he was without looking.
The weight of his huge bulk made his floorboards creak. The thick grey leathery skin. The horn. Charlie plucked up the courage and tilted his head so he could see his faint reflection in the bedroom window. Even though he was prepared for what he was about to see, it still shocked him.
Charlie was a rhino.
He was a huge rhinoceros. In his not very large bedroom.
There was no way this was going to go well.
Unless he didn’t do anything. Unless he could just wait it out.
I’d like to see Chairman Meow try to eat me this time, he thought.
Yes, waiting it out was the best and only way forward. Charlie’s mum was out shopping and his dad was gardening, so the house would be empty for a while. If he could just remain still, he might be OK. Might.
Charlie the rhinoceros stood motionless, breathing in and out of his flared nostrils.
And as he stood there a grim realization flashed across his rhino brain. Flora’s plan had failed. He was back to square one. He couldn’t control his power. He was going to change at the school play, he knew it, and that would be that. He’d be a science experiment for the rest of his life. The knowledge rolled around his stomach like a … like a …
Hang on a minute, Charlie thought. That wasn’t knowledge rolling round his stomach. It was something much, much worse.
Oh no.
It couldn’t be.
It could.
It was.
Charlie the rhinoceros needed a poo.
Now, why was this such a bad thing, you might ask. What’s so wrong with needing a poo? And that’s a fair question. We all do sometimes. But what you have to understand is that an average rhinoceros can do quite a lot of poo. It can actually do as much as twenty kilograms a day, which is a LOT. The average six-year-old child weighs twenty kilograms. A poo the size and weight of a six-year-old child laid by a majestic rhino gallivanting across the vast open plains of Africa is one thing. However, a poo the size and weight of a six-year-old child laid in an average-size bedroom is a VERY different proposition. Just imagine for a moment the sight of that ENORMOMASSIVE poo lying on your own bedroom carpet. The smell of it. The stain it would leave. There would be no hiding it from his parents, Charlie thought. How on earth would he explain to them the sudden appearance of a steaming poo the size of nine Yorkshire terriers?
He couldn’t.
He had to think fast.
And then inspiration hit him, like a massive rhino poo hitting the floor.
In front of him was an open window. If he was able to turn round, and if he was able to position his huge rhino bum perfectly, then he could poo straight out the window. It was a pretty desperate plan, but it was the only one he had.
Slowly, ever so slowly, Rhino-Charlie started edging round, his horn tearing his football posters and scraping a great gouge in the wallpaper underneath. He’d be in deep trouble for that later. Forget about it for now, Charlie thought. He had bigger things to worry about, namely the blast that he could feel was about to erupt out of his colossal rhino bum at any moment.
Despite the imminent explosive rhino poo Charlie still had to be super-careful. Round he slowly turned, his huge hooves crushing toys and books and comics as he went. Fortunately his Nintendo was on his bed, so was saved a rhino-crushing. His bum was pointed directly over his bed now, though, and if he didn’t move quickly, his Nintendo (and the whole of his bed) would get covered in a massive mound of poo.
He tried turning round a little faster. His immense grey bum knocked over his bedside table, sending a lamp, a glass of water and a Bluetooth speaker to the floor.
And then, finally, his bum was in front of the window.
Charlie edged backwards until he felt his bum touch the window frame. If he went any further, he’d knock the window completely out. He could feel the late-summer sunshine on his backside, so he must be in approximately the right place.
Charlie lifted his tail.
And it was just in the nick of time.
Out from Charlie’s bum shot a poo so fast and so massive it could have filled a bath in three seconds flat. It flew through the window, arcing perfectly towards the ground, and Charlie let out a sigh of relief.
The feeling only lasted about half a second, though, before a wail from the garden ripped through the summer evening.
‘WHAT THE …?!’
Charlie knew straight away what had happened.
It was his father screaming and shouting.
His father who had been gardening.
Gardening just below Charlie’s window.
Charlie couldn’t help it. He started laughing. But as he was still a rhino it sounded like a rough snuffle of delight.
‘WHERE THE FLIBBERING HECK DID THIS COME FROM?!’ Charlie’s father yelled.
Charlie felt bubbles of laughter ripple through him.
And then, out of nowhere, he felt the change come quick and fast. He was shrinking. His horn was disappearing. His skin softening. His fingers growing, hair returning.
Before he knew it he was Charlie again.
He rushed to the open window, fearing what he was about to see.
It was worse than he had possibly imagined.
There, directly underneath the window, still holding his spade, was Charlie’s dad. Two eyes blinked up at Charlie from a face completely covered in rhino poo. A few flies were hovering around his dad as he stood there in shock, open-mouthed.
‘IT … IT JUST FELL … OUT OF THE SKY …’ Charlie’s dad stammered. ‘OUT OF NOWHERE … ALL THIS … POO … ON TO MY HEAD.’
Charlie couldn’t help bursting into laughter.
‘IT’S NOT FUNNY, CHARLIE! I’M COMPLETELY COVERED!’ his dad shouted up at him.
Charlie roared laughing, tears streaming down his face.
‘GO AND GET THE HOSE, CHARLIE!’
Charlie couldn’t move for laughing.
‘GET THE BLASTED HOSE, CHARLIE! OH GOD, THERE’S SO MANY FLIES! QUICKLY, CHARLIE!’
A few moments later, as he hosed his poo-plastered father down while he muttered about how ‘a plane must have emptied its blasted toilet in mid-air’, and as the summer sun gently slid behind the trees that backed on to their house, Charlie realized he hadn’t laughed so hard for a long, long time.
The day of the play had finally arrived and there was a buzz of anticipation outside the school, with parents, pupils and teachers all chattering excitedly. But not for Charlie, Mohsen, Wogan and Flora, who had agreed to meet outside to wish Charlie good luck. A black cloud had been hanging over the friends for days.
Wogan looked up at the sky.
‘I really wish that black cloud would go away. It’s just been hanging over us. For days.’
‘Yes,’ agreed Mohsen. ‘It’s like it’s a … metaphor for something. But I can’t think what,’ he said glumly.
‘My impending and certain doom?’ suggested Charlie.
‘Ohhhhhh yeaaahh.’ Mohsen nodded, grinning widely at the new-found connection in his brain. ‘That must be it. Charlie’s impending and certain doom.’
‘It’s not certain,’ muttered Flora, who was sitting on the ground, eyes closed and brow furrowed, her fingers church-steepled at her chin.
Charlie, Mohsen and Wogan turned to Flora.
‘What do you mean?’ asked Mohsen.
‘I mean it’s not certain. Charlie’s doom,’ Flora replied, not moving a muscle.
‘How can it not be certain?’ Charlie asked, temper rising in his voice. ‘Since this whole thing started, every time I’ve got stressed I’ve changed into an animal. Every. Single. Time.’
Flora opened her eyes and looked seriously at Charlie, but waited for him to continue.
‘What makes you think that this time,’ Charlie said, his face beginni
ng to turn red, ‘when I have to sing a STUPID song about a sad potato in front of the WHOLE SCHOOL, is going to be ANY different? It’s going to be WORSE and I’m going to change into who knows what – probably something totally embarrassing like a gnu or a naked mole rat – and I’m going to be sent away to some science lab for the rest of my life. That’s it. I’m done for. Game over.’
Charlie finished his rant, and glared at Flora, daring her to reply. Flora looked back, meeting Charlie’s stare.
‘Those black clouds are really, really thick now,’ Wogan said, peering at the sky. ‘It looks like it’s about to absolutely tip it down.’
‘It’s not going to rain. And Charlie won’t necessarily change,’ Flora replied simply.
‘Gah! What do you know?’
‘Firstly, Charlie, I know you need to stop thinking like that. If you keep convincing yourself you’re going to change, then you’re just going to make yourself more and more stressed and then you definitely WILL change.’
‘Oh, great, thanks for telling me – that’ll help. Now it’s my fault.’
‘I’m not saying it’s your fault,’ Flora said calmly. ‘I’m saying you have the power to change things. Bad things happen, Charlie. Accept them. It’s not what happens to you in life – it’s how you deal with it that sets out the person you are. You’re the bravest person I know, Charlie McGuffin, and whatever happens you’ll deal with it. You’re my best friend, and if you change in front of the school and the scientists come to take you away, then me and Mohsen and Wogan will do everything we can to protect you. Whatever it takes.’
Mohsen and Wogan both nodded their heads vigorously.
Charlie swallowed. And blinked quickly. He wanted to reply to Flora, but found he had quite lost his voice.
‘Anyway,’ said Flora, ‘we now know something else about your situation from what you’ve told us about the rhino incident.’
‘If you’re going to poo out of a window, check that your dad isn’t pruning the roses just below?’ suggested Mohsen.
‘That’s true,’ said Flora. ‘But that’s not what I’m getting at. I’m talking about laughter. Once you started laughing, Charlie, you changed back immediately.’