by Hunter Blain
A few scenes later showed Jack Nicholson talking with Boss Grissom’s gang.
“Where does he get those wonderful toys?” Hayley asked in a terrible Jack impression.
“Heh, actually, the quote is ‘...does he get those wonderful toys.’ You see, someone messed up in editing and cut out the where of the sentence. Only the trailers play the entire line.”
“Nuh-uh,” Hayley let out, raising her head from the couch to stare at the screen.
“Uh-huh,” I countered gracefully.
Bringing up my phone, I skipped to the scene after Batman rescues Vicki Vale and flies away on a zip line.
Our hero kicks through the big doors, turns, and throws a smoke bomb, and the Joker lightly punches the railing while asking himself, “...does he get those wonderful toys?”
“Holy shit!” Hayley almost choked on her water. “I swear it used to be the whole thing! Maybe on VHS or DVD?”
“First, are you even old enough to know about VHS? Or DVD, for that matter? Second, I think the line has something to do with the Mandela Effect or something.”
“What do you mean?”
“Mandela Effect. You know, remembering things differently, but like, on a huge scale. Kinda like Berenstain Bears? People swore up and down that it was the Berenstein Bears.”
“Yeah, dude, I know what the Mandela Effect is. I constantly wander down the YouTube rabbit hole.” She looked at me with a serious face before continuing, “I’ve seen some shit, man.”
“Alright. That’s not weird at all,” I grumbled, turning back to the movie.
“And I grew up with VHS because we were poor. Even when DVD was commonplace. I was born in ’95.”
“So you’re, like, in your early midforties, then? I mean, you look like you’d get carded buying booze.”
“Thirty-eight. Wizards age slower.”
“Yeah, I know that. Most supes do because of energy manipulation and enchanted potions that help keep the DNA from being cleaved as you age. I get it,” I acknowledged while rubbing my eyes in mild frustration. “I thought the Council only accepted wardens who had been around awhile, is all.”
“You alright? You seem...anxious,” Hayley asked, ignoring my statement.
“It’s just one of those days.”
“Ah. No need to explain. And to answer your question, the Council has been understaffed since the warlocks opened the gates for supes to flee.”
“How so? I mean, I doubt Council members went through the portals.”
“A few did, but it was mostly creatures who were born in Faerie who went back. Most were sent as undercover agents, but some...”
I nodded my head, knowing what she didn’t say. Honestly, I couldn’t blame them for trying to outrun the apocalypse, as foolish a notion as it was.
“To add to that, the Council has been preparing for the end by trying to build up its forces. Right now, we are dangerously understaffed to deal with both the rift and the Devil’s machinations.”
“Yeah, I keep hearing about this rift. Wha-what’s that all about?” I asked, pausing the movie and shifting on the couch to better face the warden of the Council.
“Hecate said you would ask.”
“Oh? I’m sure she did,” I responded with a sigh, knowing where this was going. “Let me guess, she said not to tell me.”
“On the contrary, good sir. She said to tell you what I know.”
“Oh! Um, al-kay then. I mean, alright, okay. You...you know what I mean,” I said, waving a hand dismissively. “Proceed.”
“I don’t know anything,” Hayley informed with a beaming smile.
“You...don’t know...anything,” I repeated slowly, letting the words register. The poor hamster in my head was already on its tenth Red Bull and about to have a heart attack, so it took a moment to comprehend the joke Hecate had just played on me.
“Well, I know it’s important that the Council keeps the rift closed. I have asked about it before, but was always told the same thing: that I wouldn’t understand.”
My mind flashed to Samael sitting across from me, letting his gaze go unfocused as he said the same words to me.
“What wouldn’t we understand? I don’t get it.”
“I tried going into the library, but couldn’t access the secured section. It’s not only guarded, but also warded by Hecate herself. What I could find in the common portion was that having these separate planes could eventually result in a tear with unknown consequences.”
“Makes sense, I guess,” I said, stroking my beard while thinking. “So, is that why most of the Council doesn’t act to stop Samael? They are, what, stuck standing in place with their fingers in the hull of the wooden ship?”
“Ha!” Hayley barked out while slapping her knee. “That’s not half bad. Gold star for you.”
“Hey! I’m the one who doles out stars ’round these parts.”
“Don’t make me take it away.”
The bathroom door opened, and Ludvig joined us in the living room. He was wearing basketball shorts, but opted to remain without a shirt.
“Does it bug you that his titties are bigger than yours?” I jested to Hayley.
“Does it bug you that my dick is bigger than yours?” she shot back.
Ludvig shook his head and dragged a palm down his face as he leaned back into the couch, evidently tired from this morning’s events.
Hayley took note and shifted the conversation.
“Did you use up all the cold water, big guy?” she asked playfully.
“Huh? Cold? No. No, I took a warm shower. It helps relax my mus—”
“Oh, I was kidding!” Hayley barked out while giving her husband a quick peck on the cheek and standing up. “My turn.”
She disappeared into the bathroom, and Ludvig looked up at the paused screen.
“What’s dis?”
“Only the greatest movie of all time.”
Ludvig shifted where he sat to give his full attention to the screen as he made an excited face.
I hit play where Hayley and I had left off, right as Batman was telling Vicky Vale to get in the car.
“Hey...dis is Batman. I thought you said dis was de best movie of all time.”
Slowly turning to the Swede who had a confused look on his face, I said, “You know, it bugs me that you sometimes pronounce the “th” sound, like in thought. Aaaaand Batman is the greatest movie of all time, second only to Batman Returns.”
Ludvig shifted back again, letting the cushions support his tired body. After a few minutes, his eyes began to flutter as his mouth slowly started hanging open.
Within a few moments, I became aware that Ludvig needed a CPAP machine.
I reached over from where I comfortably sat and tried to nudge the sleeping giant, but he was a few inches out of my reach.
“Stupid big couch,” I grumbled as I leaned as far to the side as I was willing. I could tell I was at the precipice of no longer being relaxed whenever I returned to my sitting position, and I just wasn’t willing to give up the comfort that I had built up.
I willed a stick into my hand and nudged the Swede’s shoulder while grunting, “Yeh, yeh,” in effort with each poke. What was funny to me was that the simple stick, which could have been any branch off the ground, was made of ivory with gold etchings.
About the fourth or fifth time, Ludvig snorted awake while lifting his head in confusion.
“Hey. Go to bed,” I instructed, letting my fancy stick disappear.
“Uhnnn,” Ludvig groaned as he put his hands on his knees and slowly pushed himself into a standing position. Then he shuffled off to the bedroom and collapsed face-first on the king-size bed.
“Lilith damn it,” I mouthed as I saw he’d left the door wide open. Ah, well. Let Future John deal with that.
I turned back to the screen and enjoyed the movie for exactly forty-five seconds before a chain saw was apparently being started in the master bedroom. Or maybe it was one of those old jalopy cars from the early 1900s
. You know, the ones that you had to crank? Anyway...
Not wanting to give up the comfort that only time could provide while curled up at the edge of a nice, fluffy couch, I decided to use my big ol’ sexy brain to solve this problem.
I thought about flooding the room with heavenfire, but then I’d just have to get up, so that wouldn’t work. Oh, and Hayley might get mad at me for murdering her recently wed husband, no matter how justified it was.
Compelled to not crawl from the crater of cushioned comfort crafted by my...um...c-ass, I raised my arm above my head and threw out a manifested fishing line with a tiny ivory weight at the end. CAN! That’s what I meant, not c-ass. That’s not even a word!
The weighted end bounced off the floor near the doorway, and I focused on the teardrop tip growing eight insect legs. My manifestation began to skitter toward the door as I watched it with my tongue sticking out the side of my mouth. It didn’t occur to me that I might have looked like someone trying to get peanut butter off his cheek without using his hands.
The ivory spider with the tiny line attached went up the left side of the doorframe, steadily climbing all the way to where the door latched. I froze in place before slowly retracting my tongue as I realized I wouldn’t be able to close the freaking door from where it latched to.
“Lilith damn it,” I mouthed before scowling in renewed concentration.
The tiny spider crouched its many legs while wiggling its butt in the air, aiming for the door handle some three feet away.
It leaped with all the might eight spider legs could muster, soaring between the distance like a majestic eagle above the treetops. I could almost hear the wind whooshing as it flew.
The spider dropped about two feet short of the door, and did an aw-shucks gesture with some of its front legs.
With my free hand, I face-palmed at the spider’s ineptitude. I was just glad Hayley wasn’t around to see my failure...I mean its failure.
The ivory spider skittered to the right side of the door this time and began climbing up the frame. Within a minute, the tiny fella had made it to the knob and braced itself by spreading eight spider legs over the bronze.
“Softly...soft...ly...” I repeated as I gently pulled and the spider was tugged off without moving the door even a millimeter. “Lilith damn it!”
I shifted on the couch to get a better angle, losing my comfortable position, and barked out in frustration. But instead of getting up, I decided to double down and close that stupid door with the stupid spider. It was the principle of the thing!
I heard Ludvig yawn, and the bed creaked as he repositioned himself, all while I sent the ivory spider under the door. I would let it latch onto the bottom of the wood—which offered a better grip—and then pull the door closed.
The door began to swing inward with a long squeak, prompting a “Hmm?” from the big man who jerked himself awake at the sound.
“Yes!” I hissed as the little spider actually did its job.
“AH!” Ludvig cried out as something crashed into the bottom of the door, effectively slamming it shut.
I barked in pain, surprise, and frustration as my little manifestation was crushed by something. But at least the door was closed.
Letting the rope vanish, I shook my hand in the air while hissing, “Owwwww,” right as Ludvig opened the door and walked back into the living room.
“Did you see where it went?” he asked, looking all around on the ground while holding one of those decorative pillows that hotels and beds belonging to girls always had.
“Where what went?” I said, figuring out the answer right as I asked the question.
“De white spider! I’ve never seen one like dat!”
A tiny, innocent seed of an idea planted itself in my brain as I tilted my head down and smiled.
“Wha...what?”
Lowering my hands, I sent out as many manifestations as I could mentally withstand under the couch.
“You aren’t scared of little ol’ spiders, now are ya, big guy?” I asked with a mischievous smile.
A tidal wave of white spiders spilled from under the couch toward Ludvig.
Eyes went wide as he raised the pillow, ready to do battle with the insectoid incursion.
The entire couch moved as I sent out a bigger wave of skittering legs and chittering mandibles.
Ludvig retreated with a yelp, slamming the door shut. I could almost picture him leaning with his back against the door while wiping at the sweat on his brow and going, “Whew!”...right before I sent the little guys under the doorframe.
“NOOOOO!” Ludvig cried out as the door banged from him pushing against it in an effort to flee. “Hayley!” he bellowed as another door was opened and shut.
With a giggle of, “Teehee,” I dropped all the manifestations, letting them vanish, and repositioned myself on the couch. It was surprisingly comfortable again!
I pressed play and let Batman resume kicking bad guy butt.
5
Depweg - Faerie
“It has been destroyed, my king,” the chief of a nearby centaur tribe informed while bowing his head and placing a hand over his heart.
“Thank you, Regnir. Please send my best wishes to your people,” King Taylor said with a return bow.
The centaur chief cantered away through the open gate of the castle.
“You look concerned,” Depweg stated as he and his friend casually walked toward the street.
“As you might correctly assume, all portals in and out of Faerie must be regulated and documented. John alone has proven the importance of proficient craftsmanship when shifting planes.”
“How so? I thought he hitched a ride with Lily.”
“Ah, yes, Queen Lilith,” Taylor let the words linger, prepared for the imminent shift in conversation.
“Hmph,” Depweg responded.
When he didn’t continue, an intrigued Taylor spoke, “Is that the end of the conversation?”
“I kinda always suspected she was Lilith.”
“May I ask as to how you came to that conclusion?” Taylor asked with a single, partly raised eyebrow and slightly tilted head.
“The signs that come to mind first are the fact that her name is Lily, though I do know there are tales of a Lily of the Fae. Second, it only makes sense that the mother of all vampires would have an overt interest in John.”
“Overt in what way?”
“She had a life debt on both of us but only ever bothered John with it. That, and everything she did behind the scenes...pulling the strings and whatnot...but only for John.”
“If I may, one might theorize that she was simply drawn to him. Attracted might be a more apropos term.”
“I hear what you are saying, and yes, I considered that she might have simply been attracted to John and not me. I guess I thought it was the were virus preventing one from Faerie to lust after me. But we are getting off topic,” Depweg cleared his throat as he grabbed his hips while the pair casually strolled.
“Please, do go on.”
“As I was saying, once you remove the fact that she could simply be attracted to him, the situation starts getting...odd. Things just don’t add up. Then John confided in me one night that Lily was the one who told Ulric where to find John in his prison. That’s when I began to suspect she wasn’t who she said she was.”
“Ah, yes. I see your line of reasoning,” Taylor nodded his head before looking back at the few remaining citizens of Faerie. They had banded together as a kingdom, and each had taken important jobs to keep the Seelie Court prosperous.
“Heh. It bugs you that a simple man like me deduced your maker’s secret, doesn’t it?”
“I would call you many things, Jonathan Depweg, but simple is not one of them. And, no, it does not bug me, as you say. I am simply impressed that no one else was able to piece the puzzle together.”
“Well, I want to make fun of John right now—and it would be easy to do so—but the truth is, none of us really knew about the real Li
lith, minus what you read online. That, and John can be gullible when it comes to the kindness of those around him. He probably didn’t suspect anything out of the ordinary, but I also think it was because he was blinded.”
“Ah, yes. Love. It can make fools of us all.” As Taylor spoke, Magni and Ghle came out of a local bakery, each carrying a treat with a sweet-smelling fruit at the center that was picked up by Depweg’s impressive nose.
“Oh, hey, Depweg, Taylor,” Magni greeted with a nod as the couple all but skipped past on their way back to the castle.
Taylor and Depweg stopped walking to turn and watch the young lovers, each smiling at the pure happiness and joy they were exuding.
Depweg sighed as he repressed his own desire for a mate and offspring. If he had been watching, he would have seen Taylor deflate ever so slightly with a similar line of thought.
“Why haven’t you found a queen?” Depweg asked, trying to draw attention away from his own pang of longing.
“If I may be so blunt, it would probably be aligned with your own reasoning for not finding a werewolf woman of your own.”
Depweg crossed his arms while looking at the door the young couple had just gone through. A long, drawn-out inhale gave him time to collect his thoughts.
“Three years. Three years until the prophesized end of all of creation.”
From his peripheral vision, Depweg could see Taylor nodding in agreement.
It was Taylor’s turn to speak.
“If I were to find someone I loved as much as...” Taylor’s heavy eyes drifted down as he cleared his throat before continuing, “It would only serve as a distraction to what is important.” He raised a hand and let it gesture to the world around him. “All of Faerie is counting on me.”
“I understand,” Depweg said as he looked into Taylor’s eyes. He wasn’t lying when he said he understood, but it was reserved for the comprehension that Taylor was still mourning the loss of his wife on The Day of Night. Depweg had found out from Magni—who had heard from Ghleann—and had elected not to mention it to anyone else.
Depweg placed a hand on the elf’s shoulder and nodded. He respected the king of Faerie. It must have been agonizing to not speak about what had happened to anyone and instead focus on his duties as monarch. It was a loneliness Depweg was all too familiar with.