Later—tomorrow—they would talk themselves out of it. Undo this step and get their friendship back. But, for this moment, he didn’t have to pretend not to want her. It was only in release that he realised how heavy this had been to carry. Only when he gave in that he could feel how hard he had been fighting. Only in kissing Lara—no tricks, no pretence—that he could feel how desperately right it was. Giving in was so much easier. It was as natural as breathing. His body welcomed it and his mind quieted at having her in his arms.
And while he was watching the fireworks he could just soak her in. Absorb how right this felt without worrying about the consequences. He squeezed tight around her waist—unwilling to waste a second of this time before they had to get back to real life.
Lara’s hands covered his, fingers threading together to hold her even tighter, and her head fell back against his chest, giving him a clear view down her elegant neck, over flawless shoulders and collarbones, the freckled skin of her chest and the shadows of her cleavage. He let his face fall against the side of hers, the luminosity of her skin a greater draw than the lights in the sky.
He pressed his lips against her cheek and felt a knot tightening in his belly when she let her head fall to the side, baring more skin, opening up a path for him to kiss down to her pulse spot, letting his lips pause there to feel the steady thud. From there he found the sensitive spot where her neck met shoulder, letting his lips pause as she sighed, untangled a hand from his and let it come up to cup the back of his head. Her fingertips played with the short hairs at the nape of his neck, and she moaned quietly when he shivered under her fingers. When one of his hands found the soft skin of her stomach she turned in his embrace, her arms winding around his neck, pulling herself higher, pressing her body hard against his, and the fireworks ceased to exist. The sky and the moon and the stars ceased to exist. There was just Lara at the centre of his universe, and it was the first time the world had felt right.
He pulled away, breathless, and watched Lara as her breathing gradually slowed and eyes flickered open. She glanced over her shoulder. ‘Fireworks have finished,’ she said.
‘Regatta’s over.’
Untangling her arms from around his neck, she let herself fall back onto her heels, introducing just a whisper of space between them.
‘Are we going to forget about this?’ she asked.
‘I’m not sure I can forget.’ But his face was hard and closing fast. He might not be able to forget, but that didn’t mean that he thought this had been a good idea. That he wanted to repeat it.
‘We pretend then,’ she said, making the call for both of them. ‘We go back to how things have always been and pretend that this never happened.’
‘I don’t want to lose you, Lara. You know how much I like—’
* * *
Like. Nice. These banalities were going to kill her one of these days. Of course they liked each other. If she liked him less, maybe she could countenance the idea of breaking his heart one day. But she loved him, and that meant that she couldn’t be the one to hurt him. That he couldn’t be the one that she hurt, trying to work out if the damage that her heart had sustained was permanent.
‘I know. I don’t want to lose you either,’ she told him, the simplest version of what she was feeling.
‘So you agree that this would be a bad idea?’
‘I do. You know I do. But that doesn’t mean I can’t regret what I can’t have.’ She leant her forehead against him, because regret wasn’t a strong enough word for what she was feeling. She wanted this to work. Every bone in her body ached, knowing that everything she wanted was just within reach, and she wasn’t going to let herself grab it and hold it tight. She had to do this. If she wanted him in her life, she couldn’t pretend to him that she wasn’t damaged.
He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘I’d hurt you, Lara. And I don’t want to hurt you.’ It was as if his heart was echoing directly from hers. But he had this all wrong. She wasn’t the one that was going to hurt; it was him. She trusted him, even if he didn’t trust himself.
‘I’m not scared of that,’ she told him, even though it didn’t change where this was going.
‘But—’
‘I’m not scared of you hurting me, Jannes. But that doesn’t mean I want a relationship any more than you do. I’ve never been with someone without eventually pushing them away. You know that. I don’t want that to happen to us.’
He nodded, and she listened to the thump of his heart for just a few seconds longer, knowing that she was going to have to step away if they wanted to save this friendship.
‘I know,’ he said, his voice echoing through his chest. ‘So we agree. We pretend this didn’t happen.’
She nodded, and finally lifted her head. ‘If we’re trying to forget it, though, I think we need to stop pretending we’re together. This makes it too complicated—it will be too hard to ignore this feeling if we’re holding hands and kissing and pretending in front of other people.’
He let his arms drop from around her waist, and something inside her broke. Something she didn’t realise could fracture any more than it already had. ‘I agree. But I need to ask one last favour. A meeting with Spencer tomorrow morning. After that, you go back to London. Next time I come up it will be as if this never happened.’
* * *
He saw her swallow.
‘Okay, it’ll end tomorrow. And Mormor—you’re going to talk to Mormor about this? Get her to stop meddling.’
‘I’ll deal with Mormor.’
She smiled, and he knew she was imagining how that conversation might go. ‘I’m sorry I won’t get to see that.’
One corner of his mouth lifted, but he couldn’t bring himself to smile properly, not when he knew this was ending, when it had hardly begun. ‘Come. It might help.’
She nodded thoughtfully. ‘I should go to bed,’ she said at last, and just the word bed on her lips had his heart beating faster again. If this was going to be over tomorrow anyway... No. It was going to be hard enough to forget a kiss. If they took this further there would be no going back. No way that they could pretend it had never happened. That would set him on a path that he wouldn’t be able to leave until it reached its inevitable painful end.
‘I’ll show you to the guest room.’
At the door, she hesitated, fingers on the handle.
‘Lara...’
‘No, I’m not suggesting... Just...’ she paused, and he couldn’t help but hold his breath ‘...if it was going to be anyone, it would be you,’ she said with a smile that managed to make her look sad.
He leaned in for a last kiss. Couldn’t resist it. ‘I wish things were different,’ he said, leaning his forehead against hers, brushing his lips against hers. She broke the kiss, turning the door handle.
‘Me too.’
CHAPTER TEN
LARA STARED AT the ceiling, wondering how long she’d been lying awake. A glance at the clock on her phone told her it was six a.m. Two hours then, since she’d woken from dreaming of Jannes and remembered how close they’d come last night to ruining their friendship. Waking frustrated and overheated, she’d wondered how bad it would really be if she padded down the corridor and knocked on Jannes’s door. And in less than a heartbeat she’d known the answer. It would be bad. Really bad, when they woke up and had to undo what they had done. So she’d tried to go back to sleep at first, and then, when she’d realised that wasn’t going to happen, she had resigned herself to staring at the ceiling.
The sky started to lighten and she watched the sunrise, the expanse of the sea revealed more and more by the minute. Waiting for a new day to dawn and hoping that the sunshine would wash away the memories of last night. They just had to get through this one quick meeting and she could get back to London, away from whatever strange influences the sea air had had on them.
She heard Jannes walk
ing past her door and was tempted to bury her head under the pillow. Maybe she should skip breakfast and just sneak back home. But they had resisted last night because they had wanted to protect one another—protect their friendship—and sneaking away at dawn wasn’t going to make that happen. Would have the opposite effect, in fact. So she pulled an oversized cardigan on over her tank top and shorts and followed Jannes down the stairs.
‘Morning,’ she said, reaching the kitchen.
Jannes started, spinning on the spot and spilling his coffee. ‘Gah,’ he said, grabbing a tea towel and throwing it to the floor to mop up his spilt drink.
‘I think the coffee’s meant to go in your mouth,’ Lara said, forcing a smile, trying to break the atmosphere.
‘I’ll work on that,’ he said with a forced smile. ‘I’ll make another. Do you want one?’
‘Of course,’ Lara said, wondering what they had to do to break this awkwardness and get back to normal. That had been the whole point of stopping last night, when it had been the last thing she had wanted. If they had ruined their friendship anyway, she wished that she’d had less self-control.
‘You going for a run?’ she asked, eyes dropping to his shorts and running vest.
‘Yeah. I thought I’d pick up breakfast on the way back. Pancakes? Waffles?’
‘You’re such a dreamboat.’
It was the sort of thing she’d been saying their whole friendship. A throwaway comment that would normally have raised a laugh and a frisson of sexual tension and which was forgotten a second later. This morning, it nearly made him drop a second cup of coffee. Whatever they had both said about not letting that kiss change things, it wasn’t going to be as easy as just saying it and that making it true. They were going to have to work at it, she realised. Their friendship wasn’t out of danger yet. It would be easy to let this awkwardness fester. To avoid one another for the next few weeks and have that turn into months and then years. They couldn’t let that happen.
‘Pancakes,’ she said decisively. ‘At least a dozen. Bacon, berries, syrup—the works. And whatever you’re having.’
‘You really know how to order. It’s one of the best things about you.’
‘Don’t you forget it. Now, go for your run. I’ll have coffee waiting when you get back.’
He hesitated at the door, and she knew that he was going to mention what had happened. But this conversation would be so much easier with coffee and pancakes in their bellies.
‘Go. We’ll talk when you get back. We’re fine.’ And she forced herself to give him a kiss on the cheek to prove it, though she wasn’t sure which of them she was trying to convince more.
While he was out, she set the table with a pot of strong black coffee, a carton of orange juice she found at the back of the fridge, and plates and cutlery.
When Jannes returned, skin shining with sweat, she kept her gaze safely somewhere above his left ear.
‘Shower!’ she said, taking the takeaway boxes from him, inhaling the scent of pancakes, bacon and maple syrup.
Jannes reappeared five minutes later, hair damp but less skin on show, and she forced a smile in his direction. ‘Good run?’ she asked, looking for a safe topic of conversation.
‘Yeah,’ Jannes replied. ‘It’s easier to think when I’m moving, you know.’
She took a deep breath. ‘So we should talk about this, huh?’
‘I’m not sure there’s much to add from last night,’ Jannes said, sitting at the table and opening the takeaway carton. ‘You know how much I care about you. And you know how I feel about relationships. It’s part of the reason this hasn’t happened before, yes? And maybe we were stupid to think that we could just ignore it. But I don’t think anything has changed to make this a good idea. I want you in my life. I don’t want to hurt you.’
‘I want that too. You know I don’t do relationships either. But I don’t agree that you would hurt me. And I’m not saying that because I want us to change our minds. I’m saying it because I’m your friend and it’s upsetting that you would think that about yourself.’
‘Then you have to trust me to know myself. I always leave. I don’t know how to stay. Maybe if I wanted to change...’
She frowned at him. ‘Don’t you want to?’
‘No. I’m sorry,’ he added, and she knew her face must have fallen. ‘Maybe I should, but it doesn’t matter because I’ve tried before and I can’t do it. It’s just what happens—the minute I get too close to someone, the way I feel about them changes, and I just have to get away. I won’t do that to you.’
Lara shook her head. ‘I’m not asking you to. I just wonder if it’s what you want.’
‘Of course I don’t want to be this broken, but that’s beside the point.’
‘Okay, well, I wasn’t suggesting you should change, Jan. I just want you to be happy.’
‘I am happy.’
‘Fine.’
‘Fine.’
They glared at each other for a moment, and then Jannes turned away, and she felt something fragile between them tear away. The fireworks of the night before suddenly felt like a distant memory.
‘I have some emails I need to send before this meeting,’ he said, standing and clearing the table. ‘If you’d rather go straight back to London, I’d understand.’
‘Jannes, no. You asked for my help. Of course I’ll still come.’
He sighed, a long, sad sound. ‘See? I’m doing it already. I’m messing things up in the process of trying to not mess things up.’
Lara fought for composure. ‘Nothing’s messed up, Jannes. We’re a little awkward but we’ll be fine. If I race off now, we’ll only be saving up the awkwardness for the next time.’
‘I’m sorry, Lara.’ She thought for a moment that he was going to reach for her, but then that tension in his arms and his shoulders was gone, and they were further apart than ever.
‘Don’t be sorry. You seem to think you’re denying me something that I want. You’re not. You know that.’
‘I do. But I still feel terrible.’
‘I know. Me too.’
* * *
Jannes ordered them both coffee and glanced at his watch. Should he be worried that Spencer was ten minutes late? There was no point trying to second-guess it. Either he would sponsor him or he wouldn’t. It was probably already too late to change his mind either way.
‘Deep breaths,’ Lara said, brushing her hand across his shoulder as she passed him on the way back from the bathroom. ‘You’re nervous,’ she observed, sitting beside him and resting her arms on the table.
‘Hmm...’
She pushed coffee in his direction, but he wasn’t sure that more caffeine would help him feel more relaxed. Selfish though he knew it was, he just wanted her hand back on his shoulder. On any part of him, come to think of it. He’d woken up knowing that they had to set new boundaries after what had happened the night before. But that didn’t mean that he wanted to.
Spencer turned up before he had a chance to worry about it further, and shook his hand with so much enthusiasm that for the first time Jannes let himself get his hopes up.
‘Jannes, good to see you again. And Lara too. Congratulations, you sly pair! Why didn’t you mention anything yesterday?’
Jannes glanced from Spencer to Lara, wondering if he was meant to know what he was talking about. But Lara looked as confused as Jannes felt.
‘Erm, told you what, Spencer?’ he asked, hoping he wasn’t making a mistake that might cost him his sponsorship.
‘About the engagement! I saw the notice in The Times this morning. Well, I’m delighted for you both; that should go without saying.’
Jannes glanced across at Lara, who was hiding her shock well. Well enough that Jannes was sure that Spencer wouldn’t spot it, but Jannes knew Lara better, and could see the hardness around her mouth and the tension
in the usually fluid line of her shoulders.
‘Could I just...?’ Lara said, indicating the paper Spencer was holding.
‘“Mr Jannes Henriksson and Ms Lara Hughes are delighted to announce their engagement”,’ Lara read.
She stayed silent for a moment, and Jannes could barely think, never mind speak.
‘We...we’re just surprised that they announced it already,’ Lara said, and he thanked God she was thinking better on her feet than he was right now. ‘We...um...we wanted to wait until we’d picked out a ring together,’ she said, glancing at her left hand, and Jannes realised she was looking for and plugging the holes in their story.
Mormor. Mormor had to be behind this. He would have to murder her. Or disown her. He couldn’t believe... Actually, that wasn’t strictly true. He could totally believe that she would do this. It hadn’t been enough for her simply to not believe that they weren’t really in a relationship—she had to up the ante and turn it into a fake engagement.
He glanced at Lara again. They had to brazen this out. He was so close to getting this funding. He took Lara’s hand in his, startling her into looking up and meeting his gaze.
‘I’m sorry, älskling,’ he said, hoping that they would be able to muddle through this together, playing off each other’s leads. ‘I must have given them the wrong date. Good job we’d planned to choose your ring this afternoon.’
‘Well, I’m delighted for you,’ Spencer said, positively beaming at them. ‘You’re a very lucky man, Jannes. But I do hope this doesn’t mean you’re changing your plans for the Transat.’
‘Oh, no. Trust me, nothing is going to change on that front.’
From Best Friend to Fiancée Page 9