‘Well, have fun,’ she said, at what she hoped was an appropriate place in the conversation. She didn’t want to admit that she’d got distracted wondering whether she should care if he was telling her the truth. By wondering what their relationship might be like if she wasn’t so...damaged.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Jannes asked, and she guessed she hadn’t pitched her voice quite right, that he’d heard something of her doubts.
‘Yeah, I’m sure,’ she lied, before hanging up with a rushed goodbye.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
TWO WEEKS LATER, and Lara had to conclude that her followers were so in love with Jannes on her behalf that it made up for the fact that they were faking the whole relationship. She’d posted some pictures from early in their friendship, focusing on the truths in their relationship—that shared history—rather than the fictional future that they were meant to be planning. She’d declined all requests to partner or advertise anything wedding-related, pleading for the moment her intention to enjoy her engagement before starting wedding planning. She might be doing something morally dubious in not revealing the full truth about her engagement, but she wasn’t so morally bankrupt that she would use her fake engagement to make money.
She concentrated on the coursework for her MBA—life would be so much simpler with a consultancy business, which didn’t rely on snapshots of her personal life. Jannes had been away at his training camp in Norway for the past two weeks. And should have been on her doorstep an hour ago to go with her to the twins’ christening.
But there was no sign of him. His phone wasn’t ringing and her messaging app said he hadn’t logged in since yesterday. And every time she thought to herself that she’d throttle him if he made her go to this thing alone after she’d told people that he’d be there, she wondered if it was something worse than him letting her down going on. Whether something had happened to him out on the water. That maybe he wasn’t coming back to her at all.
Her stomach gave a lurch of fear. Thinking about how he was letting her down was at least a distraction from worse thoughts. She glanced at the time on her phone. If he wasn’t here in the next fifteen minutes then she was going to be late to the church—and showing up solo. This whole thing with Jannes was meant to be sparing her intrusive questions—if she showed up without him after they’d RSVP’d that he would be there it would be bound to prompt faux sympathetic looks and whispers behind her back, entirely defeating the object of this whole charade.
Eventually she fired off a text, letting Jannes know that she was leaving without him. Maybe if he got it in time he would be able to meet her at the church.
She made sure her phone was synced with her car, just in case he called or messaged while she was on the road to the country church. More floral shift dresses and pashminas. More florid uncles backslapping one another in the hotel bar at the reception afterwards.
If they staged another intervention like the last one, she was certain that she would either die or explode with rage. Which didn’t really seem fair to them, considering the rage was mainly directed at the man who had screwed over their lives as much as hers.
And, speaking of the devil incarnate, if she wasn’t mistaken, she was going to have to spend the afternoon dodging that loser of a sperm donor. Pip hadn’t invited him to her wedding, but she knew this branch of the family were still on speaking terms with him. Thinking about her father was more uncomfortable than ever now that she was living her own version of his lie. She didn’t want to see what he had done to her in a different light. She’d spent her whole adult life trying to come to terms with the damage that he had done, and thinking of him as human again, rather than a monster, only made things more complicated.
Jannes would have been the perfect person to have her back, to keep her safe—God knew he’d proved as much at Pip’s wedding. All of which was an excellent distraction from worrying that something might be seriously wrong.
She had always been slightly ill at ease when Jannes was out at sea and incommunicado. When he was on land they would text a few times a day—just mundane stuff about what they were doing, work, mutual friends. So when her phone went silent, nothing felt quite right until that message pinged letting her know that he was back.
But it had never felt like this before, this gnawing feeling that something must be seriously wrong. If he hadn’t just decided that this event—that she—wasn’t important enough for him to show up—or even let her know that he could be late. Her hand itched with the urge to check her phone, even though she knew that if he’d called or messaged she would have got a notification on the car’s screen. But the anxiety was making her rational brain more annoying than helpful.
As the mileage countdown on her satnav reached single figures, she gripped the steering wheel tighter. So tense that when she reached the church, and Jannes was parked right outside, hands in his pockets and sunlight bouncing off the blinding white cotton of his shirt and the lenses of his sunglasses, she wasn’t sure whether to kiss him, hit him or throw up on him.
Relief flooded her body like a drug as she threw open the door of her car and marched across the car park, only stopping when she had two handfuls of Jannes’s shirt in her clenched fists.
‘Where the hell have you been?’ she managed to say through clenched teeth.
‘Um...hi to you too?’ Jannes said, his voice low and amused as he glanced down at her white-knuckled fingers still grasping at his shirt.
She could barely breathe with the relief of seeing him, and had to force in a breath to be able to yell at him. ‘You were meant to be at my place two hours ago!’
‘We...have an audience,’ he said, looking past her shoulder, and she could imagine the eyes of a couple of dozen relatives fixed on her and Jannes.
They both had parts to play, she remembered. The fact that she didn’t even know if she was angry with him or relieved, or delighted, didn’t really matter.
‘Oh, we should...’ She tried to kick her brain into gear, but Jannes was already on the case. His hands came up to cup her cheeks and she shuddered as he dipped his head and pressed his lips to hers. She pulled him closer with the fists still clenched against his chest and it wasn’t until she opened her mouth under his that she remembered that they were at a family event. At church.
‘I’m so angry with you right now,’ she said softly, pulling away though every cell in her body was protesting at the loss of him.
‘Funny way of showing it,’ Jannes retorted, his hands falling to rest on her hips.
‘Yeah, well, we’ll talk about that later,’ she said, uncurling her fists and grabbing his hand instead. Adrenaline was leaching from her system and she suddenly felt limp, as if she just wanted to lean into him and soak in the fact that he was here and whole. She practically dragged him into the church and down beside her onto a pew.
‘I thought you’d been eaten by sharks,’ she said, keeping her face deadly serious, although it was tucked firmly into his shoulder, so the effort was probably wasted on him.
‘And this is the sympathy I get?’
She glanced at his face to see that a corner of his mouth had quirked up, which only made her more angry. ‘I swear, if you get yourself eaten by sharks I’ll be furious with you.’
‘I’m sorry I worried you,’ he said, tucking a piece of hair that had escaped her messy bun behind her ear. Why did he have to be so impossibly reasonable all the time? ‘My phone died and I didn’t have your number. I didn’t have time to get to your apartment so I figured the best thing to do was to meet you here.’
‘Your phone died?’ she asked him. Why had abandoning her and being eaten by sharks featured higher on her list of possibilities than the more reasonable dead phone explanation?
‘Sank, actually. Occupational hazard.’
She shoved at his shoulder with her chin. ‘I was worried.’
‘I know. And I truly
am sorry.’ He pulled her tighter to him with an arm around her shoulder and kissed the side of her head. ‘I’ll make sure the whole crew have your number next time, just in case. No more risk of complete radio silence unless I’ve warned you beforehand. I promise.’
‘Good,’ Lara replied, relaxing gently against his side. ‘Now. How much of an exhibition did we just make of ourselves on consecrated ground?’
He grinned. ‘I’d say an appropriate amount for a newly engaged couple who have been separated for a fortnight. Do you want to go and say hi to your family?’
She looked towards the door of the church, but more and more people were coming in, and they’d only be fighting against the flow of people if they tried to leave now.
‘No, let’s stay here. We’ll catch up with people after the ceremony. Tell me about your training camp. How was it?’
She listened as he filled her in on what he had been up to for the last couple of weeks, and she tried to keep her eyes and her mind on him, rather than the people entering the church.
Eventually, she heard a squeal and Pip was climbing over people in the pew behind to try and reach her. She dragged first Lara and then Jannes into a hug, then grabbed Lara’s hand to look at her engagement ring. ‘Congratulations, you guys!’ she said. ‘Why didn’t you tell us? Another wedding!’
‘Oh, we didn’t want to steal your thunder,’ Lara said, throwing a quick look at Jannes. ‘How was your honeymoon?’ she asked, looking for a quick change of subject.
‘Oh, you know, decadent, idyllic—you’ll find out soon enough,’ she added with a wink.
She was spared having to think of a reply by the vicar clearing his throat at the front of the church.
‘I’ll talk to you later,’ she whispered to Pip, who hurried back to her seat.
Lara kept her gaze fixed forward throughout the ceremony, resisting the twin urges to look around to see if her father had shown up, or to get her fill of Jannes’s face, to assuage that anxious feeling in her belly that persisted even though she knew he was sitting beside her. It wasn’t until the adrenaline started to wear off that she realised how worried she had been, and now that he was here beside her it was as if she was finally free to imagine every terrible way she might have lost him. A huge wave of fear and relief hit her at once, and she felt for his fingers with her own, nudged his pinkie and then tangled their fingers together.
In her peripheral vision she saw him glance across at her, worried, then he squeezed her hand and lifted their linked fingers to his lips.
That simple kiss shouldn’t have stirred her and stilled her all at once. It should have been either one or the other—the comfort of a friend or the spark of a hook-up. The two together? Well, it was unprecedented, and that meant it couldn’t be trusted. That was what she had fought to stay away from all these years, because she knew that it could lead to nothing but heartache.
But also it felt...right. In a way that should have her running from it, while simultaneously making even the thought of doing so completely impossible. Because if she didn’t, one or both of them was going to get hurt. But...wasn’t that going to happen either way? Walking away from this wasn’t a pain-free option any more. Not after Harbourside. She compromised by pulling her hand back and having it rest in her lap, in a demure fashion she was certain she had never attempted before.
Jannes glanced across at her, but she refused to make eye contact. She should at least try to look as if she was paying attention if she was going to convince Pip and her mother that family therapy wasn’t really a thing that she needed because she was perfectly fine and had a perfectly fine boyfriend thank you very much.
The service ended with the twins in tears, the godparents looking traumatised and the vicar shouting valiantly, if not terribly successfully, over the racket. The combination of crying babies and organised religion could hardly be a more perfect storm for guaranteeing that she wanted a drink. She dodged relatives in the churchyard and headed straight for the hotel over the road where the reception was being held. At some point during her manoeuvres for the exit, Jannes must have worried about losing her in the crowd because his hand had found its way back into hers.
She didn’t even bother shaking him off. It was easier if they stuck together. That was definitely the reason she let her hand disappear into his palm. Nothing to do with feeling anchored and secure in a situation that would normally make her flighty and adrift. Would normally be sneaking off to her car rather than risk having to make conversation with her father. She’d seen him there in the church, near the back, as if he couldn’t be sure of his welcome. And so he should, because she couldn’t understand how any of them could even stand to look at him. Some people were sentimental about family, she supposed, congratulating herself for not being one of them.
‘Are you thirsty?’ Jannes asked as they entered the cooler air of the hotel lobby, the door swishing closed after them, shutting out the sound of the christening party not far behind.
‘A tactical retreat,’ she said. ‘Nothing worse than being ambushed in a churchyard.’
‘I’ll have to take your word on that one. Your dad?’ he added gently. ‘Or are the mums worse?’
‘Dad. He was at the church. Don’t know if he’s coming here, but if he does I want to see him before he sees me.’ Especially given the thoughts that she’d been having recently. The ones where she compared her behaviour to his and started to realise that he probably hadn’t wanted to hurt her. That her pain over the years had come from his failings, but not necessarily his malice. Did it matter, that she could see more clearly what had happened now? Should it make a difference to her, knowing that maybe he had still loved her, even while he was hurting her? That things weren’t as clear-cut and simple as she had made them when she was a teenager.
‘When was the last time you spoke to him?’ Jannes asked.
She tried to keep her voice matter-of-fact. ‘The night we left home and went to live with Pip and her mum. He tried, for a while, to get me to speak to him, but he gave up eventually. I’m sure he won’t even care that I’m here today but I don’t want to risk it.’
‘Okay, well, I’m here. Just tell me what you need.’
It was only as she squeezed his hand that she realised that she was still holding it, though there was no risk of losing one another here, and no one they were trying to convince they were a couple either. She should pull away, she knew, keep straight what they were to each other—what was pretence and what was real—but she didn’t want to. And Jannes wasn’t pulling away either.
‘So what’s the play if we see him? Offence or defence?’ Jannes asked.
She wished she was relaxed enough to feel grateful to him, but she couldn’t yet. Couldn’t think much beyond the fact that her father was going to be in the same room any minute now, and she hadn’t decided what she was going to do when she saw him. ‘Which is the one where I down my G&T?’
‘Defence, then,’ Jannes clarified, scanning the room behind them.
‘Keep at least five people between us at all times, please?’ Lara said. ‘And if you block my view of him with your big manly shoulders then even better.’
‘You think my shoulders are big and manly?’
She rolled her eyes. ‘Is that really what you’re taking away from this conversation?’
‘Yes, I’m your distraction, remember? Let me distract you.’ She smiled at the way that he always seemed to know how to get through to her. Knew exactly what she needed.
‘You’re definitely that,’ she said. ‘Have you spoken to Mormor while you’ve been away?’ It had taken her two weeks to get her head around the last spanner that Mormor had thrown in the works. She needed to know that there weren’t going to be any others heading in their direction.
Jannes shook his head. ‘No, and I dread to think what she’s been up to since I’ve been gone.’
‘Well, you
can put “aggressively liking my posts on Instagram” on the list,’ Lara said.
‘Oh, no, tell me she hasn’t. She’s never liked one of my posts.’
Lara gave a tight smile. ‘Ah, well, you’ve got a treat ahead of you. Anything remotely regarding the two of us and she is very enthusiastic with the emojis.’
‘Stop it. No. I can’t...’ Jannes wheezed, desperately trying to hold in a laugh, the bastard. She could see his shoulders shake, and realised how much she loved that. Making him lose control, even like this. Even when it was pissing her off at the same time.
‘Don’t say I didn’t warn you,’ she said with a smug smile.
But then a buzzing started in her ears, and she lost the sense of what Jannes was saying until his hand cupped her cheek and her eyes snapped back to him.
‘Dad alert?’ he asked.
‘Yes. Just arrived. Get your shoulders over here.’
She pulled him into position so that she was shielded from view for most of the room, and tried to track her dad’s progress as he made small talk with various relatives.
‘So your mum and Gloria still think you need therapy, huh,’ Jannes said quietly, so only she could hear.
‘Something like that,’ she replied, still peering around his shoulders, trying to keep an eye on her dad without him seeing her.
‘And you’re resistant to this idea because...’ Jannes prompted.
‘Because I’m fine.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Says the woman hiding behind the man she’s fake agreed to marry.’
Lara rolled her eyes. ‘Family therapy would be worse. They wanted him to be there. They think I need to have it out with him.’
‘And do you think that maybe they have a point?’
‘I’d rather stick swords in my eyes.’
From Best Friend to Fiancée Page 12