by S. Massery
If only I was as pulled together on the inside. I mean, really.
A secret society.
A dead DeSantis.
Theo relinquishing his possessive claim on me.
Sebastian’s flirting.
What else can go wrong?
Turns out… quite a bit.
12
Lux
Three and a Half Years Ago — Lux’s Freshman Year of High School
I’m angry.
Pissed.
My parents are going to France without me again. They told me to my face this time, and I can only imagine what they were hoping the outcome of that conversation would be. Were they testing to see if I’d snap? I hadn’t lost my shit in a few weeks—I’d been calm, focusing on schoolwork and the school paper—but I wouldn’t want to delude anyone into thinking my tantrums were over.
Not now.
It was a fucking billboard.
And after that, a necklace I stole with the intention of giving it to Amelie.
All I’ve learned is that I’m a shitty vandal and a shittier thief.
My grandparents aren’t home, so no one stops me from grabbing my bike and wheeling it outside. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I know what I want to do.
I want to smash every window in my parents’ house. Rip up their bedding. Go into Manhattan and spray-paint their crimes across the doors of their office building.
But to get into the city from Beacon Hill would take at least an hour, and triple that on a bike. So I settle for expending my energy the old-fashioned way: I get on the bike and pedal as hard as I can. I fly down the road, my hair streaming behind me under my helmet. The air is cool against my skin.
I don’t know how long I ride, but eventually, every muscle screams at me to slow down. We’ve slipped from a bright afternoon into dusk. The sky is darkening quickly, and a streetlight buzzes behind me, flickering on a moment later.
A car turns onto the road ahead, coming toward me, and their headlights flick to the high beam.
I raise my hand to block the bright light.
It happens too fast.
One minute I’m on the edge of the road, and the next my front tire catches on the loose gravel off the pavement. I skid sideways, then pitch. I fly over the handlebars and hit the grass.
Automatically, I tuck and roll, traveling another few feet and land on my back.
I mentally evaluate myself, then I start my beratement. My knee hurts, and so do my elbows. I think, besides those, I’m okay.
A car door slams, and then hands haul me up roughly.
“Get—” I close my mouth when I realize who has ahold of my arms.
Theo.
“Did you do that on purpose?” I ask him.
He shrugs, lifting my arm to peer at my elbow. “Maybe.”
I huff.
“Come on.” He rights my bike—my poor, twisted bike.
Before I can stop him, he wheels it toward his car and manages to finagle it into the backseat. All without breaking a sweat.
I stare at him.
“You can get in the damn car or walk,” he says in an even tone. “You have till the count of five to decide.”
He can’t be serious.
“One… two…”
Shit. I scramble forward and grab the passenger door handle, flopping inside just as he says, “Five.”
He closes himself in and smirks. “That wasn’t so hard.”
“Everything about you is hard.” My face heats. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
He chuckles, and my heart skips. I don’t like the sensation. Or the way it’s picked up speed. Adrenaline, I tell myself. That’s all it is. He scared me, and so naturally, fear is the first response.
“You’re bleeding.” He’s staring at my knees, visible through my ripped jeans.
My jeans didn’t start off ripped.
“It’s fine.”
He can’t seem to look away.
“What’s your issue?” I ask.
His nostrils flare. “My issue is you.”
“Good, because my issue is you,” I retort. “Why do you even have to be so alluring? I’d be happy living my life without you in it all the damn time.”
We both breathe in the silence for a moment.
“This isn’t a one-sided thing?” I ask. “Because I see you and I get the urge to kiss you and then punch your lights out.”
He lets out a hoarse chuckle. “Neither of those things will ever happen, Lux.”
I straighten like he just electrocuted me. “Whoa, whoa, what’s with the nickname?”
“I think it fits you. You’re unique and, no offence, Lucy is an awful name.”
“No better than Theodore,” I mutter. “You have no manners. I’m lucky you don’t drop me in a ditch somewhere.”
He eyes me. “If I wanted you in a ditch, I wouldn’t have stopped.”
Oh, right.
We cross from Stone Ridge into Rose Hill, and it only just occurs to me how far from home I am. And how late it’s getting.
“You know I don’t live with my sister, right?”
He glances over. “Why not?”
“Because my parents hate my rebelliousness.” Which is true and sad at the same time. I tap on the window with my knuckle. “But you can let me out here. My friend lives down this side street.”
“Who?”
I cock my head. “You don’t know him.”
“Him?” He narrows his eyes. “Name.”
“For someone who has had minimal interaction with me, you’re being an ass.”
He grimaces. “Then I’m not dropping you off.”
I cross my arms. “Thomas Finley. He’s on the paper with—”
“No.”
My jaw drops. “What?”
“I’m not dropping you off to hang out with a dick named Thomas fucking Finley.”
I narrow my eyes. “You’re being irrational.”
He lets out a growl, and it’s so surprising I jerk away from him. He just… growled. At me. And for a split second, I imagine it’s because I called him irrational. But then he’s hitting the gas and getting us the hell out of this neighborhood, and I realize it’s because of the boy.
“What, you want me to be celibate?” I shake my head. “Ridiculous.”
“I don’t want anyone touching you.”
We pass under streetlights, and the intermittent glow illuminates the sharp angles of his face. His dark hair is a bit longer on top than the sides, and he shoves it back with his free hand. He’s agitated, even if he doesn’t admit it.
“Or what?” The words are out before I can stop them. What will you do, Theo?
My brain thinks he’s finally giving me the attention I’ve been craving. That I’ve paid my dues in watching him from afar, and now he’s noticing me.
My brain is fucking dumb.
“Or else I might just kill them.” He glances at me.
I bite my lip. That might be the most… terrifyingly romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me. And it feels like I’ve found the Clyde to my Bonnie. He wouldn’t shy away from the dark parts of my soul, right?
“That would be like me asking you not to touch another girl,” I mumble. “It’s a bit far-fetched.”
“Why, because I play a sport?”
“Two,” I correct.
He grins. “You’ve been paying attention.”
Ugh. He coasts to a stop in front of my grandparents’ house. The lights are all on downstairs, and I get a sinking feeling in my gut. They’re going to be so pissed at me.
“Well, see you next month,” I say.
He raises an eyebrow. I climb out of the car and attempt to yank my bike out. It must be stuck, though, because it doesn’t move. He has to get out and free it for me, and he stands way too close.
“I’ll be grounded for at least a week,” I say. “For leaving the house. Being gone past sunset. And probably some reasons I don’t even know yet, but I’ll soon find out.”
“Night, Lux.”
I stand at the curb until he returns to his vehicle and pulls away. And I realize, as I wheel the broken bike back toward the garage, that my anger at my parents had faded to white noise. No one’s been able to do that for me.
I fixate. It’s what I’m good at. But around Theo, I seem to have glitched.
And I think I like it.
I fixated on Theo in middle school. Watched him at the games and up until a few weeks ago, when he spoke to me. When he noticed me. That’s what comes roaring back now that I’m alone. Thoughts of him.
The door opens, and my grandmother steps onto the porch. She watches me roll the bike to a stop and flip down the kickstand, then steps aside for me to enter. We’re wordless. I can’t imagine she has anything good to say, and I’m still stuck on Theo.
On the pieces of conversation that stand out.
What will you do?
I might just kill them.
13
Theo
The bonfire is insane, as promised. Last year, one of my teammates and I spent the better half of the night searching for the damn thing. It wasn’t until one of the upperclassmen saw us and took pity that we found it—or rather, they led us to it.
I’ve spotted Hale and Sebastian, as well as half of the football team. They slap me on the back and thrust a drink in my hand when they spot me. I have a joint in my pocket itching to be smoked, but I refrain. Instead, I toss back the vodka and refill the cup with beer from the keg.
“Didn’t expect to see you,” Sebastian says. “Remember—”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m not here to seek out Lucy.” It irritates me to call her that. She’s been Lux for as long as I can remember. But I won’t give Sebastian any more ammunition with her. “Just plan on getting wasted.”
He chuckles. “Great. We’d hate to have to up the stakes.”
I straighten and scowl. “Don’t test me, Redmond. There’s only so much I’ll take.”
He smirks. “Sure.”
“There she is.” I gesture with my chin to our left.
Lux breaks through the clearing with Hale’s sister. She draws my gaze like a beacon—and that’s exactly why I turn away. If I look at her, I’ll remember her expression from this afternoon. The deep betrayal etched in her eyes.
I hate it. And I’d love nothing more than to burn this whole place to the ground… but doing so would prove her right.
Her earlier words float in my head. What’s breaking a promise worth to you?
Us and our promises. We were stupid, childish, naïve. And stubborn. Neither of us will cave. Neither of us will give in.
“Go get the girl, hot stuff.” I smack his arm and hope it bruises. “Make sure to tell her how good she looks.”
He grins. “Well, don’t mind if I do.”
I slip away from the crowd and the heat of the giant fire in the center of the clearing. Someone cranks the music, and the students around me cheer. There’s a commotion near the keg, and everyone seems to shift in that direction. People can’t help but be drawn to fights.
It’s in their nature to be attracted to dark things.
I step into the shadows and wind through the trees, pausing once I get close enough to Lux and Sebastian. I don’t trust him not to try something—and I don’t trust her not to go full crazy on him.
Every fiber of my being wants to shove Sebastian aside and throw Lux over my shoulder, caveman style. Brand her as mine.
But I can’t.
School is important. My family depends on my reputation. And Lux… she and I can’t be happy together.
“I don’t really understand the point of this,” Lux says to Sebastian.
He’s put a drink in her hand, but I have yet to see her sip from it. Smart girl. His gaze flickers around the crowd, then back to her.
“You don’t understand a party?”
She shrugs. “I don’t understand the secrecy. Was the point of not telling everyone the location—”
“It’s part of the fun.” He nudges her.
I scowl and grip the tree in front of me.
“I’m not having fun,” she says.
“You would if you danced with me.”
She tips her head back and laughs. “A dance, a date. You are so demanding, Sebastian. It’s no wonder you get all the ladies. They call you a wild child, don’t they? And this is the best you have?”
He steps even closer, and my blood boils. It takes every ounce of willpower to remain where I am. But at the same time, I can’t imagine being anywhere else—on the other side of the clearing, or back at my apartment pretending this isn’t happening. Any other scenario seems impossible.
“Lucy. This is just the beginning. I was going tame for your sake, not mine. What would you prefer? Skydiving? Or we could skip straight to the bedroom, if that’s—”
She chucks her untouched drink in his face.
“Insulting me is not going to make me like you,” she snaps. “Tell Ruby I’m leaving.”
And then, the best possible thing: she marches into the woods. Straight at me.
I step aside, behind the tree, and keep my attention on Sebastian. If he tries to follow her, I’ll play interference. But he doesn’t. He just wipes his dripping face with his t-shirt and laughs, then heads back into the crowd.
So I follow Lux.
She locates the path rather quickly, but she doesn’t take the route back to LBU West. She instead heads in the direction of the small pond. This clearing—this route, actually—is owned by Lenox Bluff University. It abuts the conservation area that I imagine Lux has seen from her building. We’re well on our way to leaving school grounds.
Her pace is quick, and she marches along confidently under the moonlight. Her light footsteps aren’t the easiest to track, but she keeps murmuring under her breath.
And then she freezes.
“Come out,” she demands. “I know you’re there.”
I hesitate.
She whirls around and immediately finds me, a frown pulling the corners of her lips down. “Stalker.”
I step onto the pale moonlit path and hold my hands out at my sides.
“Did you see everything?”
I nod once, analyzing her stricken expression.
“You want me to date him? When he makes innuendos—”
“I want you to—” I groan and turn away, covering my mouth. The fucking cocksuckers have me by the balls. I can’t tell her why I’m letting Sebastian drool over her. Why I’m not killing him myself.
“You want me,” she says, touching my arm. “Right?”
I stiffen and pivot back toward her, grabbing her upper arms. I shove her against a tree, ignoring her wince. Her fucking spine probably still has bruises from the last asshole to do this to her. His fingers are in the shape of bruises on her neck.
“Stop,” I order. “Stop reading into this.”
“You—”
“I promised you nothing. Your delusions have made it easy for you to think I care about you. But I don’t give a shit, Lucy.” Hurt her and pay for it later. “You and I had a conversation as fucked-up children. It doesn’t make what we’re doing to each other now right.”
She bares her teeth at me like a feral dog. The tendons stand out in her neck. If I were any closer, she might try to bite off my nose, or my ear.
I slam her back into the tree again, furious with myself for letting this happen. With her—for letting Sebastian and Hale discover my weakness so easily.
“Don’t look at me. Don’t think about me. Because I don’t think about you.” I release her suddenly, backing away. “This is the last time you’ll see me.”
She has gone completely still. Her eyes are wide but dry. That alone convinces me she’ll survive. I’ve only seen her cry once. One time, when all the hope and light were sucked out of
both of us.
But if I want to survive this, we can’t have interactions like this. The kind that stir up emotions that are too close to love.
Something I’m incapable of.
I reach out, as I’ve done so many times before, but I stop. There’s new agony in her expression, and it rips at me.
Still, I need to do this.
Two weeks, and then… Then I can fix it.
“Theo,” she chokes out. “I don’t know why you’re doing this. Ruby said something about a secret—”
I lunge forward and cover her mouth, keeping her against the tree.
Fuck.
This has Devereux’s name written all over it. That evil family. And I can’t be sure there aren’t people spying through the trees, silently waiting to see what I’ll say. If Sebastian or Hale, or any of their lackeys, spot me talking to her, I can just kiss college football goodbye.
“You know?” she asks. Her lips move against my palm.
I hate how the sensation goes straight to my dick.
She’s referring to the fraternity LBU West has, although it’s definitely more like a secret society. You can’t get in if you don’t know about it, or if they don’t want you. It’s like living there in itself is an audition. But they take their secrets seriously. “You cannot talk about it,” I growl. “Ever.”
She’s practically hardwired to sleuth—which means she’ll dig at this until she figures it out. And she’ll get caught. Because it isn’t just the people you expect: the Felicitys and Sebastians and Hales. It’s the sneakier ones.
“Promise me, Lux. You can’t ask any questions. Or poke around. Or—”
She just huffs.
I slowly remove my hand, but when I step away, I’m met with resistance.
Her hands have fisted in my jacket, and she tugs me closer.
“You want to forget about me, Theo? Break your promise.”
Kiss her, she means.
I trace her collarbone with my finger. She shudders under me. I could convince her this way. Hang the promise over her head wrapped in temptation. A kiss, a touch. That’s all she’s ever wanted from me.