by S. Massery
“Oh!” Ruby perks up. “There’s a football game tomorrow. I got us tickets.”
“You just want to see Sebastian kick, huh?” I plant my hands on my hips and ignore my pounding heart. The game would be a good distraction, and I’ve been itching to photograph something more exciting than trees. “He charmed you.”
She sits up, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes. “No, he didn’t charm me. I mean, I’ve been charmed. He’s my brother’s best friend—of course I’ve had a crush on him forever. Not that he paid me any sort of special attention over the years. And now this.”
“This being…”
“Acting like an idiot over a girl who doesn’t want him,” she snaps.
Ouch.
I didn’t realize how much this thing with Sebastian—whether unwanted on my side or not—would affect her. We’ve only been roommates for a few weeks. Not much time at all to cement our friendship when for most of it, I’ve been complaining of having to dodge someone she has a crush on.
Someone bangs on our door, and we both jump.
“Who the hell is that?” I ask.
She shrugs. “I’m not even out of bed yet.”
“Now’s your chance before I open the door.” I don’t move from my spot on my side of the room.
The banging comes again, rattling the wood.
“Jesus,” Ruby says. She climbs out of bed and puts on a sweatshirt, then nods to me.
I go over and yank the door open.
Sebastian glowers at me.
Ah—his car. I wonder if he found it.
“Can I help you?” I ask drily.
He shoves past me, stopping short when he sees Ruby. He shakes it off relatively fast and spins back around to face me. “Where is it?”
I smirk. “Your dignity? Maybe you left it in the theater.”
My roommate gasps.
It only further incites Sebastian. He stands before me, a quivering mess of anger, and… I’m not excited by it. It isn’t fun, like when I get Theo going. No, Sebastian is just an asshole who can’t take a rejection.
“You know what I mean.” If looks could kill…
I tap my lips. “Where’s the fun in that, Sebastian? How hard did you search for it?”
“What is he looking for?” Ruby asks.
We ignore her.
“You fucking bitch,” Sebastian says, striding forward. He grabs the front of my shirt and shoves me against the wall beside the open door. His fingers flatten, sliding up to touch the base of my neck.
Honestly, it’s ballsy. Anyone could walk by—and what would they see? An upperclassman assaulting a freshman. Maybe if I started blubbering, it would be more believable, but I don’t have that in me. He can probably feel my hummingbird pulse under my skin.
I lift my chin. “Get your hands off me.” And in a lower voice, I add, “You don’t want to know what happened to the last guy who touched me without my permission.”
He scoffs, and his palm presses harder into my collarbone. “I’m not sure what I ever saw in you, Page.”
Theo once taught me how to escape such a hold—taught me by using it on me. It infuriated me so much, I made Amelie practice with me until I could do it on autopilot.
I execute it now, pivoting and slamming his arm to the side. He stumbles forward, surprised at the movement, and I wrap my arm around his neck, locking it in with my other hand. His head faces the wall, his whole body hunched over.
“Lucy!” Ruby yells. “Let him go.”
I tighten my grip, until Sebastian slaps at my thigh.
“We don’t touch people without permission,” I say. “Understood?”
He’s practically vibrating under me, and he releases a choked affirmation.
I shove him away, and he wheels around.
“Where did you learn that?” he barks, massaging his neck.
“Oh dear.” I pout. “Sebastian Redmond only picks on girls who can’t fight back, is that it?”
“Just tell me where my car is and I’ll leave you alone.”
Ruby gasps again. “What?”
“I don’t know why you automatically assume it’s me, Sebastian.” I raise my eyebrows. “I left because I was called away. It certainly wasn’t to hotwire your car, or whatever you think I did.”
He glares at me. “You didn’t have to hotwire shit, Page. You stole my keys.”
I turn to Ruby. “Did you see me steal his keys?”
“What?”
I point between the two of you. “Oh, Ruby, does that mean Sebastian didn’t drive you home?”
He spins around and eyes her, then back to me. I’ve knocked him off-balance with that accusation. I don’t have to wonder where Ruby went: to the woods. But I am curious about if he’ll cover for her. His best friend’s sister and all that. She must’ve made up an excuse to leave, or perhaps she told him the truth.
He replies, “No, we called a cab.”
“Because after the movie, you realized your car was missing?” I can’t help but poke another hole in the story, just to prove a point. My gaze lands on my roommate.
“What are you doing?” Ruby’s face is pale.
I shake my head and stride toward the door. “Maybe you two need some alone time to get your story straight. And I’m late for class.”
They don’t stop me, and I slam the door behind me. He’ll figure out where his car is eventually, and he’ll lose interest in me. I’ve showed him some of my true colors, after all—it’s where I lose everyone.
My parents.
My sister.
Any chance of friends.
Not Theo, though.
I grab breakfast then go to class. The professor gives her lecture, running a few minutes over, and then releases us. By the time we walk outside, my eyes are sandpaper. My phone has a two-percent charge, and I am in desperate need of coffee.
“Lucille?”
I glance over my shoulder.
An older girl with a stricken expression pauses behind me. “Is that you? Lucille Page?”
“Yes.”
“Um, great. Okay. Do you know Sebastian Redmond?”
“Unfortunately,” I reply. “Is something wrong?”
“The Dean of Students asked me to come find you. Sebastian filed a charge… I’m not sure. But Dr. Onofrio said it was urgent, so…”
I shrug and follow her.
“What’s your name?” I ask.
“Jess.” She blinks at me. “I’m sure it’s nothing. In case you’re worried. Dr. Onofrio is really nice—I’ve been his assistant since last year. He’s fair, you know?”
“Right. I’m not worried.” Well, unless Sebastian reported his car stolen… that might get me in trouble. Kicked out of school, at the very least.
“Here.” Jess gestures to the elevator, and we wait in silence for it to arrive, then take us up four flights.
We exit onto a long, wide hallway. We go to the end, then up another short staircase. It’s a half-floor, with a U-shape of offices.
“Down here,” she says, going to the left side. We approach an open door, and she steps inside. “Here’s Lucille Page, sir.”
An older man sits behind an impressive dark-wood desk. He’s bald, with a trim salt-and-pepper goatee. He motions for me to enter, then rises and extends his hand. I shake it and take the seat he points to.
“Do you know why you’re here?”
I glance over my shoulder, but Jess has disappeared and closed the door. “Jess said Sebastian made an allegation.”
Dr. Onofrio nods. “He plays a vital role on this campus. And he came to me just a little while ago telling me you assaulted him.”
“Really?” I gesture to my body. “No offense, but Sebastian is twice my size—both in height and weight. And he came into my room very aggressively—”
“He said he came to your room to ask about his car, which he’s misplaced.”
“Because he was drinking with my underage roommate,” I say in as grave a tone as possible. �
�That was troubling to me, too. One, that he thinks I would want his car at all when Theo Alistair lets me borrow his, and two, that he’s taking advantage of Hale’s younger sister.”
The dean pauses.
“Oh, did he not mention that?” I lean forward. “Look. You and I both know that Sebastian is just trying to punish me for whatever I did wrong. But you don’t let students—even ones who play a vital role on the campus, as you say—tell you how to do your job?”
“He’s not—”
“My side of the story is this: he banged on our door at an early hour, forced his way in, and shoved me against the wall with wild accusations of me stealing his car. I didn’t, for the record. He’s been harassing me about going on a date with him, and I wasn’t interested. I think he’s upset at that.” I swallow. My gaze lands on a photo on the bookshelf: the dean with a young girl. “How would you feel if it was your daughter, sir? To be facing such allegations from a powerful boy on campus?”
He grimaces, then rises. “You’ve made your point, Ms. Page. I’ll speak to Sebastian about entering residence halls that he doesn’t belong to. And I would suggest keeping this conversation to yourself.”
“No charges, then? Slaps on the wrist?”
“Innocent until proven guilty,” he says drily. “And that applies to both of you.”
I grunt and stand, slinging my backpack over my shoulder. “Very well. Have a lovely afternoon.” Dickbag.
If I had just sat there and kept my comments to myself, he might’ve lectured me about Sebastian, bullying, how vital the football team is to the school. A joke, in essence. The administration at Lion’s Head had taken a similar approach to such mistreatments.
As in, it wasn’t an issue until their star football players were the ones with inexplicable stomach cramps, tender breasts, irrational mood swings… Did I dose their Gatorade with estrogen every day before practice for weeks?
Maybe.
But I had enough quiet harassment to be sick of people. Even with Theo’s apparent ban on anyone picking on me—something equally ridiculous and creative—shit got through. Guys who didn’t fear him—or did it just because of him.
Alistair’s slut, they said under their breath, jostling me in the hall.
Not just the football team, or the lacrosse douchebags.
It felt like half the school had a reason to hate me, but only a fraction had the guts to say something about it. Yet that fraction seemed like an army at times.
“What did he want?” Theo comes up beside me.
I jump. I’m usually more attuned to my surroundings—and in particular, him. But my thoughts are clouded by annoyance.
“Lux?”
“Nothing.” I glance at him. I expect his own brand of anger.
He’s not angry, though. His steps are light, practically bouncing along, and he smiles at me.
A true smile.
It steals my breath right from my lungs, and I stumble. He reaches out and steadies me, his hand solid on my forearm. I’m acting like a complete nutcase, but damn it. His smile lights up his whole face. Crinkles his eyes. A dimple on his cheek emerges. A dimple I never knew existed.
Focus, Lucy.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I demand, pulling away from him.
He pauses and tightens his grip, and all my yanking does is draw him closer. “How am I looking at you?”
“I don’t know. You seem happy.”
“I’m fucking thrilled.” He stares down at me.
This is the first time I’ve seen him since… well. That moment in my bathroom. And now I find myself flushing red, even though I’ve always embraced my sexuality a bit more than him. But he saw me completely naked and made me come, and then I… ugh.
He touches my lips with the pad of his thumb, dragging my lower lip down. His finger runs down my chin, the center of my throat, and stops in the hollow spot just above my collarbone.
“I don’t know what you’re doing to me,” I admit. “My feelings are all tangled up.”
He nods once. “I know what you mean. So?”
“So…?”
“What did he really want?” He hooks his thumb behind us, in the vague direction of Dr. Onofrio’s office. “Don’t say nothing. Being guided to the dean’s office is basically a walk of shame. Although Jess seemed to take particular pleasure in it.”
“She seemed nice.”
“She isn’t.” He motions for us to keep walking. “You’re avoiding the question.”
“Maybe it’s just because I don’t want to tell you,” I say. “It could be none of your business.”
“It had to do with you, so it’s definitely my business.”
I pause again, and he stops with me. What kind of person does that? Stops on a dime just because I do? He’s not even looking at me anymore; his gaze bounces around the few students filtering past us. Up ahead, a class has let out, and more people stream into the hall.
“This way.” He gestures to an empty classroom.
I step in, and he closes us in. The deadbolt slides home with an audible thunk, and he lowers the shade over the door’s window.
“Lux.”
“Sebastian came to my room all hot and bothered about his car being stolen.” I wave my hand like it’s nothing and cross to the wall of windows. “He got a little grabby, so I defended myself. Which is exactly what I told the dean.”
I imagine he’s staying perfectly still so he doesn’t go completely mental.
“Dr. Onofrio then informed me that it’s a he-said-she-said case, and I could go.”
“Did Ruby see it?”
I twist back to him. His hand is on the doorknob, but his attention is on me. Like maybe, if I say yes, he’ll go find a way to hurt her, too. After all, Sebastian is her brother’s best friend. Her loyalty probably lies with them.
“She saw everything, but she’s not a reliable witness.”
Am I on trial? Because I’m sweating like I am.
“Keep talking, Lux,” Theo threatens.
His body is tight, muscles tense, and it strikes me that all of this is worry. He might not know it—maybe he’s blissfully disconnected to his emotions. But why else would he be so stressed over this?
I poked the hornet’s nest. The drink in Sebastian’s face, the movies, the car, this.
For the first time, a shiver racks up my spine.
“Now you’re getting it,” he says softly. He approaches and stops just short of touching me.
I wish he would.
I hold out my hand, desperate for that connection, and he steps back.
“I can’t.” His voice grates. “Not yet.”
“Now you can’t even touch me.” I cast my gaze anywhere else. To the row of desks, or—
Theo sighs. “I—”
“Don’t,” I whisper. The pain in my chest isn’t all that noticeable at first. It’s the sort of thing you think is just your body—and then it gets worse. But for now, I can breathe through it. “I stole his car, okay? Before yours, just to serve him right. I left it in better shape than yours, left the keys in it so he could just call AAA or use a spare. And after I parked yours, I saw Ruby in the woods when she should’ve been at the movies with Sebastian—”
“You need to leave them alone.”
I rear back. “Excuse me?”
He grimaces. “I know saying that is going to make you want to dig deeper, but please don’t. It’s not just them when you’re trying to pry apart that society. It isn’t just this school—”
“What?” I stride forward and grip his biceps. “You know more than you let on. What is it called? Who—”
“Lucy,” he snaps.
I wince.
His hands come up and cup my elbows, keeping me close. We’re only our forearms distance away, but it still seems like miles.
“Here’s what I know.” I tip my head back and meet his storm-blue eyes. “There’s a secret society, and somehow, LBU West is where they put the prospective students—and
ones who are already in it. They recruit, somehow. I think Ruby got recruited, or she’s already in it… I don’t know. She’s a sophomore, so…”
“They only take sophomores,” Theo fills in. “And you’re correct about the campus.”
I lift my chin. “Did you know when you found out where I was living?”
“It’s rare for them to go after a freshman, but they do have some living on the West Campus for appearances. Most are oblivious.”
He tugs me closer still, and I try not to think about how just a moment ago he refused to touch me. This could be why: once he has me, it will be impossible for him to let go. A rogue longing creeps up. It’s the urge to be close to him, even climb inside his skin. And that impossibility—of being close to Theo Alistair, the king of keeping me at bay—hurts worse than his earlier rejection.
“Just avoid Sebastian,” he says quietly. “Just until tomorrow, at least—”
“What’s tomorrow?”
He presses his lips together, a promise of silence.
Ah, well. I don’t push the issue, and instead unlock my fingers from his arm. He does the same. Muscle by muscle, we unglue ourselves from each other and separate.
“I like it better when you’re cruel,” I inform him. I slip by, unlocking the door. “It’s easier to keep everything compartmentalized.”
“Maybe it’s crueler of me to be nice.”
I flinch and yank the door open. I step out into the empty hallway and hurry toward the stairs. His words chase me, lodge in my ears. They’ll replay later, when I’m trying not to think about it.
He’s always been cruel—it’s how we’ve survived each other. Because I’ve been cruel, too.
But this might be an exquisite new form of torture… one I don’t have a defense against.
21
Lux
Two Years Ago - Lux’s Junior Year of High School
My grandmother tuts. She makes weird little noises when she’s trying to get my attention—but it’s only when she wants to impart wisdom on me. Like it’ll be accidental if I meet her gaze and she says, “You know, when I was your age…”
I keep my head bent over my lap, cleaning my camera. It’s risky to do it in the moving car, but I forgot last night. And now there’s no time.