by S. Massery
“Where did you go? Why did you leave? I have so many fucking unanswered questions, I’m going crazy.”
He breathes, and I breathe along with him. It’s just a message—an old one.
“Sorry, little monster,” he says.
The click tells me it’s over.
The last voicemail is from a week ago. There’s a weight on my chest, and I don’t know if I can listen to this. I stole his car… parked it in front of his parents’ house. I had already decided not to bother coming back. I was choosing to disappear… but I couldn’t resist. He’s like a fucking magnet. But I wanted to send a message to him: I was alive and okay, and he could rest now.
“You were right here. Right in front of my fucking face and you couldn’t do it, could you? You couldn’t reach out. You couldn’t let me find you.” Click.
I pull back, shocked. He was mad in that one—furious, even.
Inhaling, I check my texts next. The number is split—a few from Amelie, one from my mother. The majority from Theo.
“Why?” I whisper. He knew I was gone, and he kept trying to reach me.
I sink into a crouch on the sidewalk, burying my face in my hands. I don’t think I can do this. I can’t be back here.
The old Lucy wasn’t afraid of anything. Well, she was, but she refused to admit it. This new girl I’ve become is terrified of a whole lot.
The phone vibrates in my hand, and I stare at it in shock.
The number—Theo’s number—scrolls across the screen.
He might be expecting it to go to voicemail again. I could just… leave it. Ignore it. Listen to whatever he has to say later, when it doesn’t play out in real time.
But there’s a part of me that thinks that’s just fucking dumb, so I hit the answer button.
“Hi,” I say, so awkward.
Silence hits me, then a strangled noise.
“I, um, I figured you’d think it would go to voicemail like the other times.” I tip my head back and exhale in a rush. “I had to straighten some things out. That’s why I went back. But I’m leaving again. I became a new person, and I was lonely, but it worked for me. I didn’t take any of the baggage—”
“Bullshit.”
I freeze, because it didn’t come from the phone—well, it does, it repeats the same word on a split-second delay in my ear. The voice, his real voice, is behind me.
I rise and turn slowly. My hand falls away from my ear.
Theo stands before me. Tall, muscular, imposing. Menacing to most, I reckon. There seems to be a permanent scowl indented in the space between his brows.
“I—”
“Don’t speak,” he warns.
I close my mouth, too shocked to do anything else. He comes forward and stops just in front of me, his gaze sweeping up and down me as if trying to decide something. He nods to himself and tugs the strap of my bag from my shoulder. I let it go, confused, until he leans down.
He swoops forward, hauling me over his shoulder. I screech, but I don’t kick out. My heart beats out of my chest. He might be able to feel it against his shoulder blade.
“What are you doing?” I manage.
His arm bands behind my knees. I grab on to his shirt when he moves.
“Quiet,” he orders.
“Theo, you can’t just—”
“Lucille.”
I press my lips together again. I have a view of his ass, the sidewalk, his heels flashing. I push myself up a bit, my abs tightening, so I can see where we’ve been. Never mind where we’re going—I have a feeling it’s somewhere private.
I can only guess what he wants to do to me… and I must be coming back to myself, because for once, I’m looking forward to it.
31
Theo
She’s back.
She’s fucking back and acting like no time has passed. She’s exploring my new apartment, tracing her fingers over every little thing, and I just stand in the center of the room like an idiot.
I can’t take my eyes off her, though, because she might disappear.
Lux steps into my bedroom, and I follow along behind her. She pauses at my dresser, at the old phone sitting next to her portfolio.
“It’s outdated,” I say quietly.
“The phone?”
I shrug. I want to pepper her with questions about where she’s been, but I can’t get those words out. I don’t want to let my anger out on her and ruin the moment.
She sighs and drops her backpack. She took it back from me as soon as I set her down outside my apartment door. But now she unzips one of the front compartments and pulls out a plastic-wrapped paper. Glancing at me, she removes the plastic and flips open the portfolio, sliding it into the empty sleeve.
“Me,” I guess.
“You.”
“Can I see?”
She shakes her head and steps closer. “No. We need to talk.”
I cross my arms so I don’t reach out and touch her. God, my priorities have shifted in the past two years. I went from wanting to kill her—I think I once so eloquently told her I’d love nothing more than to smash her skull in—to wanting to protect her.
Which has been a hard pill to swallow when I had no idea who to protect her from.
“Where did you go?” I ask.
She nods, expecting the question. Her hair is a few shades darker, definitely now a light brunette instead of blonde, and she’s lost the glasses. Whether it was surgery or contacts, I don’t know yet. I want to know, though. More than anything.
She tells me everything.
Wilder in her room after she left my apartment. Leaving so she wouldn’t be arrested, so I wouldn’t be drawn into it. Her parents must’ve known, but her sister had no idea. Then the chaos of the wedding, her one chance to see Amelie. Everything got turned on its head, and she was swept away.
“I became a girl named Amy Prague. Upstanding citizen with an interest in private investigation. She finished college. I have a degree in her name—like that’s going to help me if I went back to being Lucy Page.” She shakes her head. “Sometimes the lines blur and I forget which role I’m supposed to be playing.”
My stomach flips.
“I think I should just keep being Amy,” she says eventually, glancing away. “I just… I came back for some sense of revenge. I had to know if it was Ruby or Felicity who let Wilder in—”
“Felicity,” I say. “I went to your room and found your phone smashed. She came to check on you or something and told me the whole story.”
“Probably not everything,” Lucy murmurs. “Not that I accidentally caught her and a professor making out in the woods… and captured it on film.”
I grimace. “No, she left that out.”
She waves her hand. “It’s all water under the bridge, I guess. I freaked Ruby out. And I get to see you now, to say goodbye—”
“No.”
Lux starts. “What?”
“You’re not fucking leaving me again.” It pains me to think that she’s even considering it… until I remember our last conversation. Pretending to love her for a second, on a dare. She lost the game—it’s why she left the portfolio, after all. But we both ended up getting burned by that dare.
“Theo, I can’t do this.” She stares at me, eyes wide. “I can’t just keep wishing you’d love me. No one will love me.”
She tries to pass me, but I’m coming loose at the seams. I grab her shoulders and push her against the wall, just to keep her still. Just to make her stay.
“Keep wishing for better.” I lean down and touch my lips to her throat. “Keep wishing and hoping and, damn it, Lux, don’t say no one will love you.”
Her pulse is quick and light, and for a moment I think I might get nothing from her. But then she winds her arms around my neck. Her nails scrape my skin, my scalp. I’m on fire with sensation.
“You still want me?” Her voice is small.
I pull back a fraction, meeting her eyes. She doesn’t resist when I lift her so we’re eye level,
and she wraps her legs around my hips.
“I do. You’re the only one I’ve ever seen. The only one who’s remotely got me.” I grip her chin to keep her from turning away. “I know you through and through. I know when you’re pissed and when you’re contemplating doing something you shouldn’t. And I know your heart.”
Her eyes unexpectedly fill with tears. “You told me you couldn’t love.”
I did. “And I was wrong. I thought I was broken, but I just… I needed time to heal.”
“You kiss me and taste blood,” she says woodenly.
All those ugly things coming back up between us.
“I did,” I say slowly. I don’t know how to explain this one. That my trauma shouldn’t have been imprinted on her. “But honestly, Lux, I had to work through my issues with that. It wasn’t related to you. I’m sorry I ever put that on you.”
She sighs. “I used to dream about the accident. That it was my head cracked open on the sidewalk, and I lost all my light… and the darkness was the only thing left. I saw that in you. It’s why I was fixated on you.”
I crack a smile and set her down. “I’m pretty sure nothing can change your dark and twisted ways. But… you never asked why I call you Lux.”
“Or little monster,” she says, “but that one is self-explanatory.”
I incline my head.
“Okay, then, tell me.”
“Lux is Latin,” I say.
Maybe it’ll click for her, but her blank expression answers my question—I’ll spell it out.
“It means light. Because you’re full of it, and I felt it. All the time. Even if you thought you were full of demons.”
She bursts into tears… which, if I’m being honest, is not quite the reaction I’m going for.
32
Lux
I’m fucking crying in front of Theo, and I can’t seem to stop. He goes so far as to escort me to the bathroom and hand me the whole box of tissues.
He’s been calling me Light for years and I never stopped to even question the nickname. I liked it because it was cool and edgy, but fucking hell. My heart keeps doing weird swoops, and my stomach is in knots.
“Are you okay?” He’s hovering by the door.
I blow my nose and toss the tissue into the trash, managing to scowl. “I don’t like emotions.”
“Is that a more Amy thing to do?”
I glare at him. “I never cry. Ever.”
He nods and pulls me forward. “I know.” His arms wrap around me, binding us together. “You never hug, either.”
I relax into his hold. It’s been too long since anyone’s touched me. I was definitely not out looking for male companionship—in fact, I rebuked them on a regular basis. I guess I was attractive when I wasn’t scowling, or when rumors of being Theo’s slut weren’t being spread around me.
He waits until I carefully wrap my arms around his torso and exhale.
“Lux?”
The name just hits different now.
I tip my head back and meet his eyes.
“I’m going to kiss you again.”
I nod, tensing. Icy fear takes root in my bones, and I brace myself for a letdown. For him to kiss me and freeze again, or flee. He could just be deluding himself about healing…
But then his lips are on mine, and my whole world narrows down to the two of us. His hand cups the back of my head, angling me, and all I can do is hold his biceps. This is a kiss. Better than when I dared him to kiss me. Infinitely better than the time I tried to kiss him in the woods.
Our mouths open, and his tongue slides across mine. It isn’t rough or possessive, but I feel claimed by him all the same. Tingling shoots like lightning under my skin, and it’s me who finally tears away.
“Wow,” I pant. My gaze is glued to our feet. “That was…”
He places his finger under my chin and lifts my head. “Decent.”
I part my lips. “What? You didn’t—?”
“We should practice some more,” he says. He silences any retort with his lips.
What feels like hours later, we break apart. He threads his fingers with mine and guides me to the kitchen.
“Sit,” he says. He spins me so my butt is against the counter, then lifts me as if I weigh nothing. He smirks at whatever expression I wear.
“Tell me about what you were up to. Please.”
He retrieves a pan from the cupboard, then ingredients from the fridge. My stomach growls at the thought of food. When’s the last time someone cooked for me? It’s been a long time. High school, maybe, at my grandparents’ house. When I moved back in with my parents, they tended to let me fend for myself. Maybe there was the random exception, but as a rule…
“I played football, searched for you, annoyed the shit out of my friends.” He shrugs and butters four slices of bread, setting two in the pan. “That’s about it.”
“No girls?” I slap my hand over my mouth. “Shit, forget I even asked.”
He rolls his eyes. “No girls.”
“…Ever?”
He pauses and meets my gaze. “Have you been with any guys?”
I straighten. “Never.”
He nods. “I’ve never been with any girls.”
Holy shit. He can’t be saying what I think he’s saying.
I’ve held my virginity close to the vest. Never talked about it with friends, certainly never divulged unnecessary information to my sister. But Theo is saying… pretty much the same thing? That he hasn’t had sex?
“We had a conversation about it,” he says. He’s not facing me anymore, so I openly gawk at his back. “In high school. Don’t you remember?”
“I remember you freaking out when I talked to any boy.”
He scoffs. “Because they all wanted to get in your pants.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” And yet, I shiver. “The only guy who tried ended up dead.”
“Good.”
I sigh. “That’s what drove me away in the first place.”
He wheels around and stops inches from my knees. I part them slowly, letting him step between my legs, and he plants his hands on the counter on either side of my hips.
I like him this close.
I’d probably never admit it out loud, but I could’ve managed those years on the run so much more easily if he had come with me.
And yet, we’d probably still be stuck where we were.
The time apart has made us reevaluate ourselves.
“Lux.”
I meet his gaze and offer a half-smile. “Yes?”
“Your act of self-defense didn’t drive you away. Wilder DeSantis is the reason you were forced to leave. Your parents were the reason.”
Jameson said as much. “If I hadn’t been so vocally against an arranged marriage, I probably wouldn’t have been put in that situation. I shouldn’t tell you—”
He cups my cheek, and I lean into it.
“I saw Jameson at the trial, and he suggested that it was all part of the plan. Not just getting me to leave, but putting me in that situation—” I have to stop because Theo’s face has contorted into fury. “Hey, hey.”
I mirror his motion, pressing my palms to his cheeks.
“Come back,” I whisper.
He blinks, then focuses on me.
“Murderous rage?” I guess.
He laughs. “Maybe. You deserve nothing less than someone to stick up for you.”
I’m caught off guard by the sound of his laughter. How good it sounds, resonating in my chest. Like it just slipped into me and took up residency there. I rub at the spot over my heart, hoping the sensation lingers. It’s better than a high.
He goes back to the food.
I shouldn’t have expected us to both admit we were still virgins, then jump right into bed together. That’s not how this works… not how we work.
“Theo, I need to talk to Felicity.”
He glances over. “Talk or threaten?”
I shrug. “Both?�
�
He nods. “Okay.”
Still, we eat and sit and do more staring at each other. I want him to kiss me again, but I can’t say that. I want him to keep touching me. Again, I refuse to admit that, either. It’s only after we’ve eaten our grilled cheese sandwiches that Theo tugs the plate from my hand and lifts me onto his lap.
“Better,” he says.
I rest my head on his shoulder. The sun is creeping lower, casting the room in shades of gold.
“I should go,” I say on a sigh.
His grip tightens. “Who said anything about you leaving?”
“I…” I mean, I did, just now. But of course I have to leave. “I have a hotel room.”
“Cancel it,” he says simply.
I narrow my eyes. “My clothes are there.”
He shakes his head, smiling, and pulls my phone from my pocket. He unlocks it and goes to the internet. “Which hotel?”
“How do you always know my password?”
“Your sister’s birthday,” he says. “Easy.”
I grimace, then name the hotel. I watch him dial and put it to his ear, waiting for what seems like a few long moments.
“Ms. P—”
“Prague,” I whisper.
He winces. “Ms. Prague has decided to cancel her hotel room. My associate will be by to collect her things… Yes.” Pause. “Of course.” He glances at me. “They need you to confirm.”
I shift on his lap, sitting up straighter. It’s easy to slip into the voice I developed as Amy. She was lighter, after all. Bubblier. Not a lot of worries. “Hi, this is Amy,” I say. “He’s right, I would like to cancel it.”
“All right,” the hotel employee says. “I will have to charge you for half a night…”
Theo takes the call off speaker. “Put it on my card.”
My stomach flips, and I shake my head. It’s one thing to make me stay here—it’s another entirely to pay for it, too. “Stop, stop,” I whisper.
He ignores me and rattles off his card number.
“Theo.”