by C C Monroe
“Hey mama.” I go to her, making myself comfortable opposite her chair.
“Hey, you sleep okay?” I frown.
“No but I’m not tired. Kingston’s wiped out though. Poor guy worked his ass off at work this week.” Closing her crossword, she stands pushing the chair back in behind her.
“I’m not complaining, I want some time with you anyway and our chicken casserole won’t cook itself.” Home. I’m home. I stand and move with her. She gets all the ingredients from the fridge while I pull some from the cupboards.
We stay silent for the first twenty minutes, just enjoying the feeling of being together again. We move around each other easily, like no time has passed, knowing just how the other cooks and moves around the kitchen. My mind takes the silence and it wanders away to that night in the studio with Kingston. The breathtaking way we made love, the sound of my song coming from his lips. That was the night things changed. I know I’m still going to have reservations, but that night made some of those doubts slowly evaporate. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, he is helping aid in my journey to self-recovery. Kingston is helping me find Lana again.
“You look different, happier,” she states, cutting up tomatoes for the salad.
I lay down the cream of chicken then start placing the shredded chicken on top, making the bottom layer of the casserole. “I feel it. I’m happy,” I reply truthfully.
“I saw it in your eyes earlier, you’re still conflicted. You’re in love with Kingston but Joel still lingers in your mind, doesn’t he?” I hate how transparent I can be with her. I don’t know if it’s me or if she just knows me that well. I’d say it’s fifty-fifty. Taking the peas, I lay them over the chicken.
“I guess I still think of him because I fear the depth of love, the way it can swallow you hole. I lost myself once, I’m scared to do it again, mama, I don’t know.” I play with the peas making sure they’re evenly spread. I feel my mother’s eyes on me, watching me.
“Kingston’s not Joel. You never loved Joel, Lana. You feared him. There is a difference.” True. I have never and will never love anyone the way I love my King, but Joel was my first love and as much as I would like to live in a fairytale land of denial, I loved him once.
“I shouldn’t have feared him. I should’ve been strong, not a coward. I did it for the sake of love.” Dropping the knife she moves to me in hurried strides.
“Lana Lynn James, never say that you’re a coward. You were scared and you didn’t know what to do. There is nothing weak or pathetic about that.” She shakes my shoulders and I try to shrug her off. I don’t want the pity.
“I should’ve left sooner, I wouldn’t be this way, wouldn’t live like this, if I had.”
“Lana blaming yourself is wrong, you’ve become much stronger since you came out of all that. Yes, he’s part of your past, but it’s your past Lana, not your future.” She squeezes me as I unleash my tears in her shoulder. After the final attack, I didn’t talk to anyone, not even Shayla. I left that hospital and the attack a muted woman. I promised I wouldn’t let it affect me and that didn’t work, it’s affected me every day since, creeping into every aspect of my life, centering mostly around my relationship with Kingston.
“Kingston’s different, mom. I know he wouldn’t hurt me, it’s not the fear of being physically hurt. It’s emotional pain. I’m terrified to love him and need him like I do. I’m scared to accept his full heart. Kingston isn’t like other men mom, he is passionate, deeply passionate. He is consuming in everything, making me feel numb when I’m with him. Kingston doesn’t just love you, Kingston owns your heart, body, mind and soul and it scares me that I love it so much!” I sob harder into her shoulder while she rocks me, squeezing me as tight as she can without cutting off my oxygen.
“Lana, need him that much, it’s okay. Being someone’s world isn’t a bad thing, being someone’s world doesn’t have to be scary. It’s beautiful. Kingston is all those things yes, but it’s so damn stunning the way he loves you, the way he looks at you, the way he would lay down his life to have you. Love is captivating honey, stop comparing what you had with Joel to love, it wasn’t.” Pulling back from me she reaches over to grab a paper towel. Lifting it to my face she wipes my tears.
“I know. You’re right.” I wish I could say or describe in perfect words the epiphany she just opened on me, but I can’t. I do love Kingston. He’s my world and more, our love is not normal, it’s not sane, it’s completely psychotic and I love it. I need to stop falling back into the feasible unknown whenever I start to feel happy again. It’s not fair nor healthy.
“Besides, you’ve come this far, you’ve finally let him in. What gives?” She moves the loose hairs that have fallen from my messy bun out of the way and cradles my face. I sniffle looking into her eyes. I feel safe in her arms and I know this is the right time to tell her what I came here to tell.
“You can’t tell daddy, mom. I need to do it. I need to tell him.” I wipe my nose, in the most unsexiest way. “That love that we have, well,” I reach down to the hem of Kingston’s shirt that’s drowning my body and lift. “It created something beautiful.” I lay my free hand on the underside of my tiny round tummy. “We created a life.”
She stays fiercely quiet, just standing there looking down at my stomach. I try to see her eyes but her head is too low for me to get a good enough look.
“Mama, say something?” I rub my tummy again, feeling the soft skin that’s protecting our baby and it brings me some kind of affirmation. I’m not sure if she’s gonna yell at me or be happy. I know dad’s reaction already, he’s predictable, but not my mom.
“Oh!” Bringing her hand to her mouth she covers it and looks up at me, her eyes storming with tears. Her other hand laying on my belly where my hand is placed.
“You’re pregnant?” she asks, her voice muffled by her hand.
“Yeah, we are. I am.” I choke on a sob.
“Lana, you’re gonna be a mommy!” Bending, she gets close to my belly. “You’re gonna make my baby a mama! Oh, I’m gonna be your grandma! Oh Lana!” Kissing my belly, she comes back up and I drop my shirt. Her arms engulf me, pulling me close as mine return the embrace.
“Lana! Oh baby! I’m so happy for you! I want to give you the whole, ‘why didn’t you wait till marriage talk’, but I think you and I both know dad will be giving it. Shit, your dad.” I gulp and all hugging and excitement cuts off.
“I know. I’m scared he’s gonna try and hurt Kingston. Ever since Joel, he has been on edge with me. I mean even when he calls me he asks me a thousand questions and gives me the ‘don’t get married till you’re thirty’ speech.” Shaking her head knowing the speech I’m talking about, I don’t smile along with her. She thinks it’s funny, but she isn’t the one pregnant out of wedlock with the thug daddy hated.
“You better butter him up and have an escape plan for Kingston just in case.”
Fuck me running.
“You better help me if he tries to tackle Kings.” I point in her face turning back to the casserole.
“I’ll try. Holy cow, you’re gonna be a mom.” She shrugs and starts helping me, leaving me to suffer in my own head space.
Before dinner is served we talk about the pregnancy symptoms. The cravings, the sickness, the crazy hormones, and how far along I am. All of it. Distracting me just enough to stop thinking about tomorrow.
“Mama James, that was fucking good!” I lick my fingers then kiss them. I love the famous James chicken casserole.
“Our Lana made it, I just made the salad.” I look at my girl next to me, her head on my shoulder while my arm rests on the back of her chair. She looks tired, her eyes opening and closing slowly, dragging each time.
“Thanks baby. I’m ready for movie night.” Perking up at the mention of movie night, she smiles up at me. Every time her dad went away for a training or a mission, I would show up with some oldies movies and movie bought popcorn. We would sneak into her bedroom after her mom went to sle
ep and watch them together.
“Yay! I want to watch the Breakfast Club! Can we?”
“Sure. I’m down. First, I want you to soak in a bath while I clean up the dishes.” I kiss her forehead and she nods against my lips eagerly causing our connection to break and Becky and me to laugh.
“Okay! Hurry up and don’t forget to make us popcorn!” Not even giving me a goodbye kiss, she leaps from her chair and bounds up the stairs.
“Anyway, mama James,” I stand collecting the plates from the table. “You go ahead and relax I’ll clean up.”
“I know about the baby.” Stopping in my tracks, my back to her, I curse silently. How did she find out? Pivoting slowly, I nod.
“Yeah.” Now standing in front of me, she has her arms crossed, her eyes shooting daggers into me.
“You better be a damn good father and you better make an honest woman out of her, or some shit like that.” She laughs, the sudden change in her demeanor catching me off guard.
“How did you know and are you mad or no?” Coming to take a stand next to me, she wraps one arm around my waist and puts her head against my arm.
“I’m not mad. I mean I wish she would have waited a couple more years, but love doesn’t have a timeline, shoot I had Lana when I was barley turning seventeen. However,” she moves her head from its spot and leaves my side, “her dad may not be as calm as I was. So be prepared, okay?”
“Yeah, I will.” She leaves the room and I’m left to stand there. I think long and hard about what her dad may think. I just hope her and I can push past whatever tomorrow brings. Mama James took it well, almost too well, which can only mean papa James will be the polar opposite.
“You told your mom?” I break the silence between us, the only noise in our surrounding quiet is the sound of Bender from the Breakfast Club. Her tiny little body is wrapped around me like a glove, sticking as close as humanly possible, her baby bump warming my side, arousing the alpha in me. My hand rubs up and down her thigh where she has it draped over my stomach. My other arm aiding as her pillow, my hand playing with her hair.
“Yeah, I kind of had a breakdown and cried to her about us.” Her vulnerable eyes look up at me, searching my expression.
“Crying over us? Babe, what’s wrong, I thought we were doing great?” I ask worriedly. I really thought we were off to a great start as an official couple.
“No, no it’s all good,” she says pushing up from the bed and seating herself astride my lap, her hands finding my bare chest, tracing over my sister’s portrait.
“Why did you cry then, beautiful?” I sweep her hair from her face and tuck it behind her dainty ear. Lana’s my little pixie.
“We talked about Joel. We also talked about how passionate you are and the capability you have to swallow me whole.” She fidgets, tightening her legs around my hips. “I told her how much I love the way you are with me. How absolutely crazy you are over me.” A soft blush wisps out over her flushed face as she bites her cute lip. She’s embarrassed to tell me how much she loves the way I need her, like I need oxygen. It’s a matter of my survival.
“I’m obsessed with you, because you possess me.” I stroke my thumb in circles on her knee.
“I know Kings and I’m the same way over you.” Lana strokes her hands along my chest and abs, they feel incredible, giving me the dude version of whatever the fuck butterflies are. She looks angelic above me, round with our child.
Lana’s come such a long way since Joel and I’m so fucking proud of my warrior. Speaking of, I still need to visit Joel tomorrow while L is out with her father. I’m not entirely sure what I plan to do other than threaten him to stay the hell away from my family. After I make good on that, I’m going to talk to the detective, tell him about the pictures and see what our options are.
I’m a protector, a watcher of the people I love and Lana has always been something of mine who I will protect and defend as long as I’m still walking this fucking earth. Our child only amplifies that feeling on a magnified level.
“I remember all the times we spent in this room becoming best friends. Never did I think we would be sitting here as more. I can’t believe you actually want me, you must have lost some sense when I got you pregnant, I’m no good for you.”
“Stop Kings, you are good for me. Actually, you’re great for me.”
“I’m not good enough for you, but I’m too selfish to walk away or let you ever realize how much better you can get. I’m gonna spend every day making you need me just like I need you,” I whisper, my lips tugging in the corner.
“Keep saying things like that Kingston Donovan and I just might marry you right here, right now.” Leaning in her covered chest hits my bare one and our lips surge together, igniting.
I want to marry Lana soon. I want to build a home and a life with her, giving our child a beautiful future with two loving parents. Lana’s close, yet she still needs some more time before we can get to marriage, but I’m a persistent motherfucker and when I see something I want, I have to have it. I will have it in due time. She said yes the night in the studio, but we haven’t talked about it much since then, too caught up in life. I have picked out a ring for her, a simple gold band. She confessed that she wants a band with no diamond, just a simple ring for a simple love. One she never thought she’d have.
Full circle, I am her simple.
Pulling away just enough for our lips to part, I groan out as she grinds against my stomach. I can feel the wet heat seeping through her sleep shorts. “The second you have this baby, I’m fucking getting you pregnant again. I want to make lots and lots of babies with you. I want you fucking round with our kid inside you all the damn time.” She laughs and places her lips to my ear.
“You know I may be pregnant now, but we can still practice. You know, get the hang of things so we’re ready when that time comes.” I reach both my hands around and squeeze her ass.
“Your mom’s home and I don’t think she wants to hear her daughter getting good fucking cock.”
“Stick your finger in my mouth so I can suck on it, that should keep me quiet right?” What a minx, my personal tease. She reaches around taking one of my hands off her juicy little ass and brings my finger to her mouth. Lana lets out tiny low moans while her mouth slides down and then back up the length of my finger.
“I think I should just do it the easy way.” In a flash, I pivot. Getting her on the bed, I flip her over and lift her by her hips, her knees holding her pert ass in the air. I hurry and slip her shorts down and around her knees. I pull my basketball shorts down and thrust into her without warning. She screams out into the pillow, thrown off by my quick invasion. Using my forearms I push her shoulders down gently on the bed and her face in the pillow.
“Say my name, sexy. Tell me who owns this pink pussy.” I pound into her harder, my neck straining as I throw my head back biting my lip to stop the thundering growl trying to get out. Instead I grunt low in my chest, the sound making her clench down on me.
“You like it when I moan baby? You like controlling this dick with your magic pussy?” She screams my name into the pillow, the muffled sound of her ecstasy making my balls draw up and fill with hot come.
Leaning back up I put my hands on her ass, spreading her so I can watch myself disappear into her snug heat, her tight little asshole tempting me to take her there.
One day.
Every time I pull out I see my wet cock coated in her arousal and the point during sex where I go from a man fucking to a man fucking possessed engages.
I pull all the way out with every bit of force in me to flip her over. Her face is flushed red and her hair is sticking to the sides of her face from the sweat of our hasty fucking.
“Take your shirt off.” Faster than I demanded her to, she removes her top in a swift motion, while I make work at sliding her shorts the rest of the way off. I stare down at her body, mesmerizing all the details that make Lana, Lana.
She has the tiniest freckle to the side of her righ
t nipple, the same kind also on her rib right under her breast. Her belly is slightly different now that she’s pregnant, growing with tiny little stretch marks that have begun showing. I never thought I would find those sexy, but I do, especially on her.
Her hips look wider, more pronounced. Fucking delicious. Taking the back of my tattooed hand, I curl my finger, dragging my knuckle over the seam of her swollen wet pussy lips.
“I envisioned you under me on this bed for fucking years, shit I jerked myself to the image a thousand times, and here we are full circle.” Moaning from my teasing touches Lana nods.
“Lucky you.” She swallows hard trying her best not to sound affected by my touch.
“Hell fucking yeah, lucky me. What about you?” I ask leaning down, dropping my mouth to her nipple, the peak hard and skin tasting sweet.
“What about me?” I bite down on her nipple and laugh deep in my throat.
“How many times did you touch this heavenly pussy while you thought of this cock.” I part her lips with my finger and rub my calloused thumb over her swollen clit while two of my fingers slide inside her.
“Oh fuck! A lot, I thought about it a lot. I used toys and shuddered your name when I came.” Damn she’s not holding back tonight.
“You dirty girl. How come you didn’t call me over to help?” I joke flattening my tongue and licking up her neck. Stopping at her chin I plant a wet kiss followed by a nip, the skin pulling between my teeth.
“Cause I knew I wouldn’t have a choice but to choose you,” she moans and that’s my cue, get my woman off, take care of her, show her who her man is. Her confession fresh on her lips telling me I’ve always been the one she desired.
Settling back into position I rest the back of my thighs against my calves, pulling her up by her hips, planting myself as deep as I can go, stretching her to her limits.