https://www.celebrantinstitute.org/
CENTER FOR JOURNAL THERAPY makes the healing art and science of journal writing accessible to all who desire self-directed change.
https://journaltherapy.com/ or call 888-421-2298
DARKNESS TO LIGHT is a non-profit committed to empowering adults to prevent childhood sexual abuse.
https://www.d2l.org/ or 866-FOR LIGHT
DR. JIM HOPPER, a clinical psychologist and independent consultant, teaching associate in Psychology at Harvard Medical School, and a nationally recognized expert on the neurobiology of trauma and sexual assault. He offers consultations to help people find good local treatment for themselves or a loved one, or to complement ongoing therapy, and he trains and consults on how meditation and other contemplative practices can transform the brain to bring healing and happiness.
https://www.jimhopper.com/services
MARILYN VAN DERBUR, a former Miss America and a childhood incest survivor, has devoted much of her adult life to raising national awareness and understanding of sexual abuse and its long-term effects.
http://www.missamericabyday.com
MARK MATOUSEK, author, teacher, and speaker whose work focuses on personal awakening and creative excellence through transformational writing and self-inquiry. He brings over three decades of experience as a memoirist, editor, interviewer, survivor, activist, and spiritual seeker to his penetrating and thought-provoking work with students. The essence of Mark’s philosophy is, “When you tell the truth, your story changes. When your story changes, your life is transformed.”
http://www.markmatousek.com
METOO, a movement begun by TARANA BURKE to support survivors of sexual violence and their allies by connecting survivors to resources, offering community organizing resources, pursuing a ‘me too’ policy platform, and gathering sexual violence researchers and research. ‘Me Too’ movement work is a blend of grassroots organizing to interrupt sexual violence and connect survivors to resources.
https://metoomvmt.org/
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), an anti–sexual violence organization.
https://www.rainn.org or 1-800-656-4673
STOP IT NOW! provides direct help to individuals with questions or concerns about child sexual abuse.
http://stopitnow.org or 1-888-PREVENT
V-DAY, a global activist movement, founded by EVE ENSLER, to end violence against women and girls and to help create a world where women can live safely and freely.
https://www.vday.org
CREDITS
Lyrics from “Now Is” by Becky Reardon, copyright © 1996 (Taos, NM: Songs for a Walk Publishing, beckyreardonmusic.com), are reprinted with the permission of Becky Reardon.
Excerpts from The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller, copyright © 2015 (Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books), are reprinted with the permission of Francis Weller.
“At the Last Minute” was previously published in Messages from the Hidden Lake, Vol. 8, copyright © 2016 Alamosa Public Library.
“On the Mexico Border” was previously published as “Revelations on the Texas/Mexico Border, 1994” in The Circle Book: A Conejos County Anthology, copyright © 2014 Alacrity House Publishing.
“The Canyon Takes Me In, 1997” was previously published as “Discovering Canyon de Chelly, Chinle, Arizona” in Messages from the Hidden Lake, Vol. 8, copyright © 2016 Alamosa Public Library.
Excerpts from “Life While-you-Wait” from MAPS: Collected and Lost Poems by Wislawa Szymborska, translated from the Polish by Stanislaw Baranczak and Clare Cavanagh. English translation copyright © 2015 by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved.
Excerpt from POEMS NEW AND COLLECTED 1957–1997 by Wislawa Szymborska, translated by Stanislaw Baranczak and Clare Cavanagh. Reprinted by permission of the publisher, Faber and Faber Ltd.
“Paris Rendez-Vous, 2003” was previously published in Messages from the Hidden Lake, Vol. V, copyright © 2013 Alamosa Public Library.
“The Invocation to Kali, Part 5”. Copyright © 1971 by May Sarton, from COLLECTED POEMS 1930-1993 by Mary Sarton. Used by permission of W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.
Lyrics from “Singing This Song” by Kate Munger, copyright © 2013 (Inverness, CA: Self-published), are reprinted with the permission of Kate Munger.
Lyrics from “So Many Angels” by Kate Munger and Karen Drucker, copyright © 2008 (Inverness, CA: Self-published), are reprinted with the permission of Kate Munger and Karen Drucker.
Lyrics from “May Peace Be With You” by Annie Garretson, copyright © 2015, from This River of Life (Colorado Springs, CO: Annie Garretson, anniegarretsonmusic.com), are reprinted with the permission of Annie Garretson.
“The Last Song” was previously partially published as “Letting Go” in Messages from the Hidden Lake, Vol. 8, copyright © 2016 Alamosa Public Library.
NOTES
FRONT MATTER:
1. Becky Reardon, “Now Is.” (Taos, NM: Songs for a Walk Publishing, 1996).
2. For more on the Threshold Choir, see www.thresholdchoir.org.
INTRODUCTION:
3. Francis Weller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief (Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books, 2015), 5.
4. Christina Baldwin, Storycatcher: Making Sense of Our Lives through the Power and Practice of Story (Novato, CA: New World Library, 2005), 79.
READY, JANUARY 2017:
5. For more on the Monastery of Christ in the Desert, see www.christdesert.org.
6. Pamela Alexander, Trust Without Borders (Bloomington, IN: WestBow Press, 2016), 6.
TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE, 1968:
7. William Shakespeare, Hamlet, in The Riverside Shakespeare, ed. G. Blakemore Evans et al. (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1997) act 1, scene 3, line 78.
PALM-READIN’ PATTY, 1969:
8. “I’d Rather Be Blue Over You,” composed by Fred Fisher with lyrics by Billy Rose, was performed by Barbra Streisand in the 1968 film Funny Girl. Originally the song was sung by Fanny Brice in the 1928 Warner Bros. musical My Man.
BIRD SONG, 1985:
9. Charles Hartshorne, Born to Sing: An Interpretation and World Survey of Bird Song, (Bloomington, IN: Indiana University Press, 1973).
NATURE’S WISDOM, 1986:
10. For more on the Florissant Fossil Beds National Monument, see www.nps.gov/flfo/index.htm.
GOTTA HAVE A DREAM, 1993-94:
11. Phrases from a line in the 1949 Broadway musical South Pacific, composed by Richard Rodgers with lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein II: “You gotta have a dream. If you don’t have a dream, how you gonna make a dream come true?”
THE CANYON TAKES ME IN, 1997:
12. For more on the Canyon de Chelly National Monument, see www.nps.gov/cach/index.htm.
ONCE IN A LIFETIME, 1999:
13. Wislawa Szymborska, “Life While-You-Wait,” in Poems New and Collected 1957–1997 (New York: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 1998), 169–170.
CHARTER CHALLENGES, 2001-2002:
14. Teaching Tolerance magazine is published by the Southern Poverty Law Center. The SPLC is the premier U.S. nonprofit organization monitoring the activities of domestic hate groups. For more information, see www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate.
FLYING HOG SALOON, 2006:
15. May Sarton, “The Invocation to Kali, Part 5” from Collected Poems 1930-1993 (New York: W. W. Norton, 1993).
FLICKER ENCOUNTERS, 2010:
16. Ted Andrews, Animal Speak: The Spiritual & Magical Powers of Creatures Great & Small (Woodbury, MN: Llewellyn Publications, 2002).
17. Susan Tweit, Walking Nature Home: A Life’s Journey (Austin, TX: University of Texas Press, 2009).
TAKING THE TIME AND MAKING THE SPACE, JUNE 2011:
18. Edmond Rostand, Cyrano de Bergerac (New York: Frederick A. Stokes, 1899).
THE HELP
ME PRAYER, NOVEMBER 2011:
19. Mary Oliver, “The Summer Day,” in House of Light (Boston: Beacon Press, 1990), 60.
20. Anne Lamott, Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers (New York: Penguin Group, 2012).
21. Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation (New York: New Directions, 1961).
22. Steven Farmer, Power Animal Oracle Cards: Practical and Powerful Guidance from Animal Spirit Guides (Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2006).
A GOOD VISIT, 2012:
23. Mark Matousek, When You’re Falling, Dive: Lessons in the Art of Living (New York: Bloomsbury, 2008), 41–42.
24. The Week, “A Milestone in Our Understanding of Earth’s Place in the Cosmos,” January 27, 2011.
TWO TEARDROPS, NOVEMBER 2014:
25. Kate Munger, “Singing This Song.” (Inverness, CA: Self-published, 2013).
THE LAST SONG, APRIL 2015:
26. Kate Munger and Karen Drucker, “So Many Angels.” (Inverness, CA: Self-published, 2008).
27. Annie Garretson, “May Peace Be With You,” This River of Life (Colorado Springs, CO: Annie Garretson, 2015). For more information, see anniegarretsonmusic.com.
EPILOGUE:
28. Weller, Wild Edge of Sorrow, 243.
29. Marilyn Van Derbur, Miss America By Day: Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love (Denver, CO: Oakridge Press, 2003), 544; Jan Hindman, Just Before Dawn: From the Shadows of Tradition to New Reflections in Trauma Assessment and Treatment of Sexual Victimization (Ontario, OR: AlexAndria Associates, 1989), 83, quoted in Van Derbur, Miss America, 544.
GRATITUDE
One thing I’ve learned about writing a book, out of a gazillion things, is that it takes a whole village to complete it, which includes a great publisher: Brooke Warner and all those at She Writes Press help make my world turn. I would not have been able to write this book without the tender and illuminating guidance of my excellent therapists, Eugene Webb and Elinor Bethke, who helped me learn to navigate toward strength, balance, and clarity. The support of both of my sisters, Pamela Alexander and Billy Rae Montana, has been important to me. My cherished friendship with Sister Antoinette Carter continues to be a touchstone of life and love. Mark Matousek was an extraordinary writing coach who, in 2010, helped me launch the writing for my memoir. Sharon Fabriz has been a treasured, inspiring, and fun writing partner for almost three decades. The editing skills of Cindy Reed, and those of David Bauer—complemented by his amazing kindness and generous commitment to my book—were crucial. Writing groups in Denver and Alamosa were helpful. First readers, who read my book with attention to deadlines along with providing valuable feedback, were essential to my book’s journey: Pamela Alexander, Marlena Antonucci, Kristine Bentz, Elinor Bethke, Sister Antoinette Carter, Talli Delaney, Bill Eagle, Sharon Fabriz, Nancy Fisher, Annie Garretson, Kathy Jones, Elizabeth Kinney, Trudi Kretsinger, Carolyn Laetz, Tom Laetz, Billy Rae Montana, Kate Munger, Malcolm Perkins, Angie Prescott, Elise Rudolph, Cindy Smith, Marty Webb, and Peggy Weiss. All of you helped make my book better.
Six years with “Women Singing in Circle” at the Lama Foundation have fed my soul, especially the exquisite songs and direction of Melanie DeMore, Terry Garthwaite, Kate Munger, and Becky Reardon, along with those with whom I sing and share mornings in the meditation kiva.
New readers will follow, and to all of you, I am grateful for your willingness to reflect on your own past, present, and future, because that’s what often happens when you read a memoir.
I would say of my parents, they showed up as best they could, and as I became aware of this, I learned to care deeply about them. Who I was and who I became mattered to them, so I believe, especially toward the ends of their lives.
And, as most of my early readers commented, thank God for Bill—and I do, every day.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
PATRICIA EAGLE discovered language with her first word “bird,” later discovering great solace in nature. Six decades of journaling also served as a life buoy—tangible evidence of a life explored in earnest while being tossed by the confounding experiences of childhood sexual abuse.
Her experience as a high school teacher informed her master’s research on the use of “professional reflective journaling,” a method to help educators better understand themselves and their students. A story gatherer, Eagle maintains an unyielding commitment to excavating and acknowledging what is resilient about her life, and the lives of others, as an author and a Life-Cycle Celebrant®. She has seven stories published in four anthologies and online with the National Home Funeral Alliance. She lives amidst mountains and hot springs in the San Luis Valley in south central Colorado where she watches the Milky Way splash across night skies. Being Mean is her first book.
www.patriciaeagle.com
Author photo © Bill Ellzey
SELECTED TITLES FROM SHE WRITES PRESS
She Writes Press is an independent publishing company founded to serve women writers everywhere. Visit us at www.shewritespress.com.
Raising Myself: A Memoir of Neglect, Shame, and Growing Up Too Soon by Beverly Engel. $16.95, 978-1-63152-367-0. A powerfully inspiring and unflinchingly honest story of how best-selling author and abuse recovery expert Beverly Engel made her way in the world—in spite of her mother’s neglect and constant criticism, undergoing sexual abuse at nine, and being raped at twelve.
Secrets in Big Sky Country: A Memoir by Mandy Smith. $16.95, 978-1-63152-814-9. A bold and unvarnished memoir about the shattering consequences of familial sexual abuse—and the strength it takes to overcome them.
The S Word by Paolina Milana. $16.95, 978-1-63152-927-6. An insider’s account of growing up with a schizophrenic mother, and the disastrous toll the illness—and her Sicilian Catholic family’s code of secrecy—takes upon her young life.
Fourteen: A Daughter’s Memoir of Adventure, Sailing, and Survival by Leslie Johansen Nack. $16.95, 978-1-63152-941-2. A coming-of-age adventure story about a young girl who comes into her own power, fights back against abuse, becomes an accomplished sailor, and falls in love with the ocean and the natural world.
Say It Out Loud: Revealing and Healing the Scars of Sexual Abuse by Roberta Dolan. $16.95, 978-1-938314-99-5. An in-depth guide to healing the wounds caused by sexual abuse, written by a survivor who’s lived the process firsthand.
Singing with the Sirens: Overcoming the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Sexual Exploitation by Ellyn Bell and Stacey Bell. $16.95, 978-1-63152-936-8. With metaphors of sea creatures and the force of the ocean as a backdrop, this work addresses the problems of sexual abuse and exploitation of young girls, taking the reader on a poetic journey toward finding healing from within.
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