Tie new super-cool swimmers up with special DOUBLE knot.
2. I’m standing in front of the whole school and as a stupid joke stupid Martin Fassbender pulls my new super-cool swimmers down to my ankles.
Tie new super-cool swimmers up with special super-tight TRIPLE knot!
3. I sit out in the sun all day and get so sunburnt and dehydrated that I pass out and fall into the pool and almost drown and old Mrs Winklebottom who’s always in charge of first aid and whose teeth wobble and click when she talks has to give me the kiss of life. Eeeeewwwwwwww!
Wear a HAT and cover every inch of my body with multiple layers of 30+ SUNSCREEN*.
* Make sure I have one tube of blue sunscreen (my team colour) to paint war stripes on my face and one tube of clear sunscreen for everywhere else.
4. I run along the pool deck, slip over, hit my head, knock myself out, fall into the pool and almost drown and then just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water …
ATTACK OF THE WINKLEBOTTOM!!
Absolutely NO RUNNING on the pool deck!
5. I have breakfast and eat way too much and during the big race I get stomach cramps and almost drown and it’s – WINKLEBOTTOM 2 – REVENGE OF THE DENTURES!!!!
Have breakfast EARLY and don’t be such a GUTS!
6. I stay up so late worrying about all the epic fails that might happen at the carnival that I sleep in and I’m still half asleep when I have to rush to get dressed and when I get to the carnival I realise that I’ve left my new super-cool swimmers at home and I’m wearing my underpants on the outside of my shorts.
Get everything ready, pack bag and put clothes out BEFORE I go to bed. Set the alarm for six o’clock. Wear my new super-cool swimmers to school UNDER my shorts to save time getting changed and so I can’t possibly forget them.
By the time I’d finished drawing up my table and preparing everything for the morning it was getting late and I was pretty tired. I jumped into bed and turned off the light. I’d covered every possibility. Nothing could go wrong!
As I lay there with my eyes closed, I pictured myself slicing through the water in my new super-cool swimmers and leaving Martin and everyone else for dead. I could see myself flying down the pool. I was certain to win! No more epic fails for this Eric Vale! Time for an epic …
My alarm goes off. It’s six o’clock already! It’s still mostly dark. I hit the snooze button and roll out of bed. I’m half asleep but I’ve run through my preparations so many times in my head that I know exactly what I have to do without even thinking.
First I use the bathroom. Then I return to my room. I feel around for my new super-cool swimmers. I find them right where they should be – on the back of my desk chair where I left them last night. I strip off and put them on straightaway.
No chance of leaving them behind now! Then I tighten the drawstring and do it up with a special super-tight triple bow. Then I decide to give it one more knot for good measure. I grab the sides of my swimmers and yank down as hard as I can. Those babies aren’t going anywhere fast! I’m leaving nothing to chance. Already I’m feeling more relaxed!
Next I pull my sport shorts on over my new super-cool swimmers. Then I fumble around my desk and find a tube of sunscreen and start to smear it on. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I’ve covered my whole face and neck before I switch on my small desk light and lean close to the mirror.
EEEEEEEEEEK!
One of those Avatar guys is staring back at me! I’ve been using the blue sunscreen by mistake! Wait. Doesn’t matter. And you know why? Because it actually looks really good. It makes me look like a true Blue supporter. My teammates will love it. Hey, what about that? I’ve had a tiny win already! Things are really looking up! This is going to be my day!
I leave my face blue and attack the rest of my body with the clear stuff. I go over every square inch at least three times. I almost dislocate my arms and tie myself into a knot trying to do my back, but I don’t miss a spot. When I’m done I finish getting dressed and jam on my hat. No sunstroke for me!
My bag is already packed from the night before so I take it into the kitchen and fix myself some breakfast. When I’m finished I rest my head on the bench.
Half an hour later I wake up when Mum comes out to make my lunch. I drag my head up.
‘Huh? What time is it?’
‘Just past seven, sweetie. Awwwwwwwwwwww, look! You’re all blue! That is so cuuuute! You’re still my gorgeous little Smurf boy, aren’t you?’
I run to the bathroom and scrub off all the blue sunscreen and replace it with clear stuff. Back in the kitchen I shove my lunch into my bag and kiss Mum goodbye. She makes a big dopey sad face and pretends to wipe tears from her eyes when she sees I’ve been de-Smurfed. I shake my head at her.
It’s time to go and I’m spot on schedule!
I’d done everything right. I was feeling epic fail-proof. All I had to do now was beat Martin Fassbender at the annual Moreton Hill Primary School Swimming Carnival. I was thinking super positive for super positive results!
The time had come for Eric Vale to have the EPIC-EST-OF ALL EPIC WINS!
Epic Fail No. 8:
The Annual Moreton Hill Primary School Swimming Carnival
For the first time the swimming carnival was held in our brand new school pool (partly built by a kind donation to the school building fund by the fascinating, entertaining, enthralling and totally hilarious Deputy Mayor Doreen Dorrington on behalf of the Council).
All of Years Four to Seven were packed in and divided into team colours. Red and Green on one side. Gold and Blue on the other. Chewy was in Blue, just like me.
There were quite a few events for the younger kids before our call came over the loudspeaker.
The divisions had all been worked out at our class swimming lessons. Luckily I’d made the first division. Just. So had Martin. Easily.
Chewy and I were in the dressing shed with the other Year Fives getting changed. I was about to take off my school shorts.
‘Hey, Chewy,’ I say, ‘how SUPER-cool are these?’
Then I whip off my sport shorts to show him my new super-cool swimmers.
I watch Chewy’s face. His mouth drops open. His eyes go big. He’s obviously impressed!
‘Wow! They’re different, all right, Eric,’ he says. Then he leans closer and squints. ‘Are they … teddy bears?’
‘Yeah that’s right, pretty coo–’ Huh? What? I looked down to where my new super-cool swimmers should be. But for some reason I’m not wearing my new super-cool swimmers. I’m wearing my humungously and stupendously UNCOOL teddy bear pyjama bottoms! But? … What? … How?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT’S JUST NOT POSSIBLE!
(Unless of course … my mum brought my new pyjamas into my room while I was asleep and she hung them on the back of my chair right ON TOP of my super-cool swimmers and then when I woke up in the morning I just grabbed whatever was there because it was dark and I was half asleep and so I put my teddy bear pyjamas on instead of my new super-cool swimmers by mistake. Hmmmmm. Yeah. Yeah, when I think about it, I guess that’s possible.)
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
I whip a towel around myself before anyone else has a chance to see what I’m wearing. I wait till the other Year Fives leave and Chewy and I are alone.
‘Chewy, you gotta help me! What am I going to do? If I swim in these I’ll be Eric Vale – Epic Fail for the rest of my life!’
‘Don’t you like them?’
‘OF COURSE I DON’T LIKE THEM! THEY’RE PYJAMAS! THEY’VE GOT TEDDY BEARS ON THEM! NO WAY AM I SWIMMING IN THEM! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?’
‘Hey, you could swim in your underpants!’
‘Oh yes! Awesome idea! Me, standing up on the blocks of the first division final … in my underpants. Why didn’t I think of that?
That would be sooooooo much better, wouldn’t it? Or wait, I know. I’ll wear my undies on my head as a swimming cap and just swim nude! Thanks, Chewy. Problem solved!’
Okay then. Let’s see. Hmmmm, I wonder what Secret Agent Derek ‘Danger’ Dale would do in a situation like this?
Hey, I know! I’ll knit myself a pair of swimmers out of my own bellybutton fluff!
That’s when I knew I was losing it completely. I looked madly around the change room for something – anything! – that could help.
And then … I SAW IT!
The lost property bag! It was hanging over in the corner of the shed. I grabbed it and tipped everything out. Towels. One thong. Goggles. A cap. A mouldy half-eaten sandwich. Three startled cockroaches. AND TWO PAIRS OF SWIMMERS!
One pair was way too small but the other looked right around my size. SAVED! I held them up to show Chewy.
‘All right!’ I shouted and we gave each other a high five.
At last I was going to be free of my embarrassing teddy bear pyjamas!
Or I would be … if I could … juuuuuuuuust … undo … this … stupid … quadruple knot!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I started yanking and picking and scratching at it, but it just got smaller and tighter! Then I tried squeezing and wiggling out of the pyjama bottoms while Chewy yanked down on them. But those babies weren’t going anywhere!
‘Hey, maybe I can bite that knot off,’ Chewy said, coming at me with his pointy teeth like something out of Alien.
‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU MANIAC!’
I threw a towel around my waist. ‘Let’s go,’ I said to Chewy. ‘I’ll figure something out when we get there!’
And I did. While I was lined up waiting for my race I came up with a plan that even Secret Agent Derek ‘Danger’ Dale would be proud of.
o•o•o•o•o•o•o•o•o•
There were six divisions in our age group. First division was swimming last.
Chewy was in the bottom division. But naturally he acted like he was in the final of the World Swimming Championships. He didn’t seem to notice that he was in a race that included Big Bob, one swimmer who was starting in the pool, two boys with kickboards, and another kid wearing floaties.
The starter was Mr Heatherington. He was sitting on a tall starter’s chair on the side of the pool. When the whistle blew, Chewy climbed up on his block and saluted the crowd. He was at least a head shorter than everyone else in the race and about three heads shorter than Big Bob. He started twisting his neck from side to side and shaking his legs and arms to loosen his muscles (what muscles?).
He was wearing a proper swimming cap and bright yellow racing goggles. He looked like a real swimmer.
Until you saw him swim.
Mr Heatherington waited for everyone to settle. ‘Take your blocks … Face the water … GO!’
The six starters jumped, dived, climbed, fell, bellyflopped and pushed off into the pool. Big Bob’s entry caused a tsunami that washed two swimmers on to their lane ropes and the floaties guy right up on to the pool deck and out of the race! Chewy’s diving technique looked a lot like someone getting shot in the back, falling face first into the water and then getting electrocuted.
As soon as his fingers touched the surface of the water, Chewy’s arms and legs started thrashing around in circles like some kind of nuclear-powered wind-up toy. Then, if he had to take a breath, he stopped completely, lifted his head right out of the water, made a noise like a dying sea lion and slapped it back in again. Then the nuclear-powered thrashing began again until the next breath. All of which meant that Chewy didn’t swim too fast.
Or too straight.
Right from the start he motored his way across the pool at an angle of about forty-five degrees.
He thrashed his way right over a dividing rope and collided with one of the kickboard swimmers in the lane beside him. For a few seconds there was a tangle of arms and legs but Chewy easily out-thrashed the other boy. He also out-kicked his kickboard, which went flying from the pool. The kickboard-less kid sank to the bottom. A Year Seven on lifeguard duty jumped in to rescue him.
But a little speed bump like that was never going to stop William Choo-Choo Rodriguez in full flight. He just kept going until he ploughed into the other kickboard guy just as he was lifting up his head for one of his dying sea lion breaths.
Chewy’s head connected with the kickboard boy’s nose. It started bleeding. The kickboard kid let go of the kickboard, grabbed his face and started sinking. More Year Sevens to the rescue!
But Chewy thrashed on! Eventually he slammed into the side of the pool, thought he’d finished first and gave a victory salute. When he realised where he was, he bounced off in the opposite direction, swam right over Big Bob’s back, got beached there for a while then crawled off and nosedived back into the water.
He ended up coming third. Mainly because only three other swimmers survived the race.
The rest of the school gave Chewy a standing ovation and chanted, ‘Woo-hoo! Choo-Choo! Woo-hoo! Choo-Choo!’ Chewy collected his Third Place ribbon and walked proudly back to the starting blocks grinning and waving to everyone like he’d just taken out Olympic Gold. And in his positive thinking brain, he probably thought it was only a matter of time.
But now I had to put my plan into action.
‘Okay, Chewy,’ I said when he made it back to the starting blocks, ‘you sure you know exactly what you have to do here?’
‘Yeah, I’m all over it, Eric.’
‘You sure? This is really important to me. I don’t want anything to go wrong.’
‘I’m sure. I stand behind you when you’re on the block. I hold on to the end of your towel. You dive in and the towel stays with me and you’re under the water before anyone sees what you’re wearing. Then I run down to the finish with the towel and wrap you up as you get out. And everyone goes so crazy because you beat Martin that they don’t notice a thing. And that’s how you have your epic win and nobody calls you Epic Fail any more.’
‘Okay.’
Well, I said it was a plan that Secret Agent Derek ‘Danger’ Dale would be proud of. I didn’t say anyone else would be.
When all the lower divisions were done it was finally time for the Year Five first division final. I took my place behind the blocks. I was in the outside lane.
‘Eric Vale, you’re not thinking of swimming in that towel, are you?’
It was Mrs McGurk, my old Year Four teacher.
‘Ah, no, Miss.’
‘Well, get rid of it, then!’
Oh-oh. Big problemo …
‘Aaah … I can’t, Miss. Not now.’
‘Why ever not?’
‘Because … um … my mother said I had to keep it on … until I got in the water … Ah, that’s right … See, I got my legs all sunburnt at ummm … swimming practice … Yeah, and so Mum said I had to keep my legs covered “at all times”. They were her exact words, Mrs McGurk, “at all times”. I reckon she’d be pretty upset if I didn’t do what she said. Can’t I just give Chewy, I mean, William, my towel right before I dive in?’
Mrs McGurk looked at me suspiciously. I’m not sure if she believed me or not, but I don’t think she wanted another argument with my mother. Not after last year’s parent–teacher interview anyway. She signalled to Mr Heatherington that we were ready.
‘Hey, Vale!’ It was Martin Fassbender from the middle lane. ‘You’re right on the edge there. When you dive in, make sure to aim at the water. Wouldn’t want you to do an Eric Fail face-plant on the concrete!’
Soooooo funny. Well, laugh it up, pal. After this race you’ll never be able to make another Eric Fail joke ever again!
The whistle blew.
‘Take your blocks!’
I stepped up. Chewy was close behind me. I felt his hand grab on to the edge of my towel. So far so good! There was a lot of murmuring and looking around in the stands. I guess everyone was wondering what was going on. Mr Heather
ington frowned at Mrs McGurk. She just shook her head and waved him on. He shrugged.
‘Face the water!’
I knew I couldn’t afford to break. I couldn’t have a restart. I only wanted to climb out of the pool in my teddy bear pyjamas once. I bent forward and waited … and waited … and waaaaaaaaaiteeeeeeeed … Why was Mr Heatherington taking so lo …’
I launched myself forward. I hadn’t broken and I’d still beaten everyone else into the water. BRILLIANT!
I resurfaced and started swimming my heart out. I could hear good old Chewy running along beside me on the pool deck screaming out encouragement, ‘Go, Eric! Go, Eric! Go!’ I remembered all the things Mr Heatherington told me about my strokes and my kicking. I was powering through the pool. The swimmers beside me fell away like they’d stopped dead!
The race was only half over and already I was well in the lead. I was flying! The school was going nuts. I could hear yelling and screaming. The finish was just metres away.
‘Go, Eric! Go, Eric! Go!’
One Eric Vale Epic Win coming up!
I slapped my hand hard against the end of the pool. I raised both arms above my head and pumped my fists in victory. I shook the water from my ears.
Eric Vale Epic Fail Page 5