by Niranjan K
“Fuck him!” Ray said aloud, his voice ringing hollow and echoing back.
Shane had loved the echoes. It was the best in this valley, but it was there to varying degrees in all the valleys.
He owed his family an apology. But not Alistair. Never him. Whatever Ray had done to him, he had been punished for it many times over. He owed him nothing. Of course, it wasn’t Alistair’s fault that Ray had fallen for him and had found himself unable to get over it. Distance hadn’t done it. Time hadn’t done it. Dating others hadn’t done it. Meaningless sex hadn’t done it. Right now, Ray was on a break from all that, because realising and accepting that whatever he did, he would always be in love with Alistair had made him see that he had to stop trying. Stop trying to get over Alistair, and certainly stop hoping.
“Ray,” Alistair’s voice was quiet. Was he dreaming? Ray lifted his head. Alistair was standing on the other bank.
“What do you want?” he asked, lying back down again.
“We need to talk.” Alistair said.
“Yes, we do.” Ray agreed. It might not solve anything, but if it would stop Ray from blaming Alistair for his inability to love Ray, that would be a start.
“I cannot come over there.” Alistair said. “I cannot cross running water.”
“Right.” Ray had forgotten.
He got up, picked up his shoes and made his way to the other bank. The stones were more slippery than he had realised, especially with wet feet, but he’d always had good balance. He got to the other side without any trouble. Alistair stood there waiting, his face inscrutable and his form as still as if he were a statue.
Chapter Nineteen
Ray reached Alistair’s side and they walked to a spot where there were large stones placed on which people could sit. They didn’t speak as they sat down.
“Is my presence causing you distress?” Alistair asked finally.
Ray didn’t know how to answer. The truth would be awkward. “This may sound real old.” Ray said. “But it’s not you. It’s me.”
“Ah,” Alistair sounded faintly amused. After a beat, “Is the bond causing you distress?”
“No,” Ray said. “It’s not, but… I want it gone… I’m no longer your fledgeling.” He couldn’t keep the bitterness from colouring his voice.
“No, you’re not.” Alistair said. “Are you angry with me for helping your parents in turning you human? I know you felt betrayed-”
“Alistair,” Ray interrupted. “Let’s not go there, all right? You’ve no idea how I feel, and frankly I’ve no idea either. I’m angry when I should be grateful. But I’d rather not discuss that with you.”
“You’re not talking to anyone.” Alistair said.
“I’ve a therapist.” Ray said.
“With whom you talk about how you were a vampire for ten years?” Alistair sounded sceptical.
“Karen’s Dad used to be a hunter.” Ray said, feeling annoyed.
Of course, he hadn’t been to see Karen in three years, but there was no need for Alistair to know it.
“I see.” Alistair said.
“My point is I don’t want to talk about this with you. As I said, it’s me. I need to… why didn’t you break the damn bond?”
He had to ask. He had to know. Why would Alistair even keep it?
“I’ll break it if that’s what you want.” Alistair said, looking down between his feet. Perhaps some insect that was more interesting than Ray was crawling on the grass there.
“Why didn’t you? Why wait till I ask?”
Alistair swallowed as if he was nervous.
“It is painful to lose a fledgeling,” he said finally. “As painful as ripping out my own heart. The bond helped me survive your loss. It felt… I don’t know, it helped me and I didn’t have the heart to break it.”
Ray stared at the vampire, at the bowed head, at the red hair that was so dark as to look black in this indifferent light. “It hurt that much?” he asked. He hadn’t known it. He didn’t think even his parents would have known it. All this time he had been angry and Alistair had been suffering.
“Yes.”
“Then why did you do it? Because my parents asked you to?”
“That was only part of it,” Alistair still hadn’t lifted his head. “The real reason was you.”
“Of course,” Ray murmured. “You wanted me gone.”
“I wanted you to have a chance at a normal life.” Alistair said quietly. “I wanted you to have your family back. I wanted you to be human because I felt it was the best thing for you.”
Ray couldn’t lie and say it wasn’t. So, he settled for, “That wasn’t for you to decide.”
Alistair chuckled as he lifted his head and looked at Ray, the blue eyes shining with amusement. “Are you going to tell me it wasn’t the best thing for you?”
“No,” Ray said. “Fuck it, but yes, it was the best thing for me. I’m not going to lie about that. But… you could have asked me… told me...”
“You wouldn’t have agreed.”
It was Ray’s turn to chuckle. “If you didn’t know I would have done just about anything to please you, you must have been really blind.”
Alistair looked astonished. “I don’t know what you mean,”
Ray snorted. “I’m talking of the stupid crush I had on you since I was sixteen the first time.” he said.
“You what?”
“You didn’t know?” Ray was amazed. “I don’t know whether to be mortified or amused.”
“I didn’t know.” Alistair said, his voice sounding strange.
Ray exhaled. Everything seemed so surreal right now. He and Alistair were having a civil conversation. That in itself was a surprise, something he would not have thought possible a few hours back.
He had finally come clean to the vampire about why he had done what he did, and Alistair hadn’t freaked out. He was only surprised he didn’t know. He didn’t know, because he had never considered the possibility, because Ray had never been anything but Ned and Daphne’s son, and God! That hurt. It was almost physical, the pain he felt. But he swallowed around the lump that formed in his throat and said lightly.
“Now you do.”
“Ray-”
“Look, I… I know I was stupid, that I shouldn’t have done what I did, but… I didn’t know about your oath. Your bloody brother had to tell me about it. Jeez, I hate that bastard!”
Alistair chuckled. “Jon does seem to inspire that emotion in everyone he meets.”
“But not in you.” Ray said quietly.
“Not in me,” Alistair agreed. “To me, he will always be my brother… We live long lives and have long memories, but sometimes we forget our human lives and what it felt to be human… Jon reminds me of that, though he has forgotten.”
“I get it.” Ray said, though he wasn’t completely sure he did.
But it explained why Alistair was different. Most vampires were unemotional, clinical in their dealings with humans. Alistair had never been like that. He might not wear his heart on his sleeve, but he would never behave like a machine either.
“I’m sorry if my presence in your family’s life is causing you any distress.” Alistair said. “But I’m not ready to step away from them. They’ve been my friends since before you were born. If they tell me to leave, I’ll leave, but till then, I’m not going anywhere.”
“So, stop behaving like a spoiled brat, is that it?”
“That’s not what I said.”
“But that’s what you think.” He turned to look at Alistair. “You and everyone else, my family and your brother included. Spoiled brat Ray.” He sighed and looked down. “After everything I did, it’s… I guess that’s fair. I’m sorry.” He looked at Alistair. “Sorry that I forced you to turn me, which in turn forced you to help my parents turn me back, and now I’m...” He sighed. “It’s not you or them. It’s me. I’m jealous.”
The word slipped out before he could stop it.
“Jealous,” Alistair repeate
d softly. “Of me?”
“Of you, of them.” He clasped his hands in front of him and stared at them to avoid looking at Alistair. “It seemed as if they accepted you back far more easily than they did me. I know that everything was my bloody fault, but… they’re my family, and you...” He looked at Alistair, forcing the words out because it hurt so much even to look at him. “You know tonight’s the first time you’ve spoken to me since I turned back?” He looked back at his hands, surprised at how tightly clenched they were now. “I know that you don’t owe me anything, that I’m selfish, so fucking selfish, but it hurt this last few days to see you talk to all of them and pretend as if I didn’t exist.”
Alistair didn’t speak, but Ray could hear him breathe. Slow, so slow, like all vampires did, but there was still a pattern to it, a pattern Ray had memorised.
“I wanted to give you space,” Alistair said quietly. “It’s true that I don’t know how you feel, but I assumed it would be easier for you if I didn’t interact with you.”
Ray chuckled, but it was bitter. “Worked out well, didn’t it?”
“So, am I correct in assuming that you… you don’t resent me, just the fact that I’ve not been treating you like the rest of your family?”
Was that right? Would he be happy if Alistair were to treat him like Anton or Dan or Eve? The answer was a resounding no, but still, it would be better than Alistair not even looking at him.
I’m pathetic.
Ray chuckled again. “Can’t hurt.” he said.
“I’ll try,” Alistair said. “But the thing is, I don’t know if I can. You see Ray, I don’t feel for you the way I do for the rest of your family.”
Ray turned his head to look at Alistair. “What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”
“I resented you, even hated you at first,” Alistair said quietly. “But it didn’t last very long, and I started enjoying having you with me, to get used to your presence in my life… and then I had to let you go… and...” Alistair’s breath was loud as he exhaled. He turned his head to look at Ray. “I had to accept that at some point I had fallen for you and that I never stopped. That’s why I can’t treat you like the rest of your family. Because I’m not in love with any of them.”
Ray stared at Alistair, his brain not able to comprehend what it had just heard. Something was stirring inside, his chest was expanding and he couldn’t breathe, but he heard himself say. “You love me?”
Alistair nodded, his expression guarded.
“Fuck, we’re idiots.” Ray muttered.
Alistair smiled softly. “Perhaps we are.”
“I’ve been in love with you since I was sixteen the first time,” Ray said, “Granted, I didn’t know what love was then, but the thing is I never stopped, not once in these twenty-two years, not even when I thought you’d betrayed me… not even when I hated myself...Fuck it, Alistair, you mean we wasted all this time?”
Alistair laughed. Ray couldn’t help but smile. He had missed Alistair’s laughter, more than he had believed possible.
“Where do we go from here?” Ray asked quietly.
“Take it one day at a time and see where it goes?” Alistair suggested.
“Sounds good to me,” Ray said.
He still had to go home and apologise to his family, make things all right somehow.
“I’m fucking selfish, aren’t I?” he said aloud.
“If you’re looking at me to endorse your self-flagellation, you’re going to be waiting a long time.” Alistair said.
“I think I am selfish.” Ray said.
“A bit self-absorbed, certainly.” Alistair said. “But not selfish.”
The words should not have made him happy, but they did.
“Shall we go?” Alistair asked. “You must be cold.”
Ray shrugged non-committally. It was cold, but he didn’t feel it much. He hadn’t, not since he had turned back.
“We still have to talk about Magnus.” Alistair said as they walked up the hill.
He could have flown, and probably taken Ray with him, but Ray needed the walk and he appreciated that Alistair was ready to give him company. Their hands had found each other’s at some point.
“He asked you.” Ray guessed. “And you turned him down.”
“I’m officially an outcast now.” Alistair said.
Ray sighed. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to get you into trouble.”
“It wasn’t your fault.” Alistair shrugged. “I needn’t have dug my heels in.”
“Why did you?” Ray asked, stopping.
Alistair stopped too, turning to face him. “I don’t know. I wanted you to ask me yourself.”
Ray took a deep breath. “I’ll tell Magnus that I’ve changed my mind.”
“Have you?”
“I want the bond gone, Alistair. I just… I don’t like it being there.”
“All right.” Alistair said, his fingers tightening almost painfully on Ray’s, though his face remained calm. “There, gone.”
Ray could feel it, and it was both glorious and bereaved at the same time. “Thank you,” he said. “Did I tell you I love you?”
Alistair smiled. “I think you may have mentioned it in passing.”
“So, I’ll tell Magnus you have broken the bond,” Ray said, somehow unable to look at Alistair. “That should appease him.”
“Ray,” Alistair said. “I love you.”
Ray stepped forward and hugged him, just holding him and Alistair hugged him back. “I love you,” Ray whispered.
Alistair kissed him, a close-mouthed peck that left Ray both wanting more and satisfied at the same time. It was far from perfect, but it was everything he had ever wanted. They stood in the circle of each other’s arms, sharing air.
“Fuck!” Alistair muttered. “I want to do things to you that I can’t here.”
“You can fly us both home,” Ray murmured. “Do that moonlight trick and zap us back,”
“You need to talk to your family.” Alistair said, but he wasn’t letting Ray go.
Ray had to acknowledge the words, albeit reluctantly. “How about I talk to them and then come to your house, and we can pick up where we left off.”
“Sounds good,” Alistair kissed him again, deeper this time. “If we stay here much longer, I may change my mind.”
“Okay,” Ray said, taking a half step back. “Fly us back?”
“Hold on,” Alistair murmured, his arms enveloping Ray, and something else, soft and warm, and Ray closed his eyes against the assault of memories it brought. Alistair’s wings. Ray hadn’t had wings, but Alistair had assured him they would come in time. It was part of the magic that kept them alive and gave them powers. The sizes varied according to the age of the vampire. He gave himself up to the sensation of feeling himself wrapped in them. Vampires didn’t really need wings to fly, after all.
Chapter Twenty
Mom sat on the couch, her eyes dry, but anguished and she would turn to look at the door every now and then. She hadn’t gone to the hospital, sending Anton instead.
“Just tell Ned I want to talk to Ray,” she had said. “And not to worry about anything.”
Dan hadn’t returned yet, but he wouldn’t just yet. He usually stopped to have dinner on the way.
“You know it’s not your fault, Mom.” Eve said, unable to stay silent any longer. “Ray was being an asshole.”
“Was he?” Mom asked, her voice acid. “Perhaps we should all have a bit of compassion for Ray.”
“Mom!” she expostulated.
“Eve,” Mom said. “Have we ever tried looking at it from Ray’s standpoint?”
“What standpoint?” Eve asked. She loved her brother, but she was tired of his outbursts. Ray was behaving like a spoiled child, crying for attention. Why couldn’t Mom see that? “He’s being childish and acting like a spoilt brat!”
“He’s being human,” Mom said. “Everything he did… Eve, he had just lost Shane and he fell for Alistair… can y
ou really not see why he did what he did?”
“I get that,” Eve said, exasperated. “But that doesn’t excuse his words tonight.”
“He came back,” Mom said softly. “He was turned back against his will, Eve and… Alistair helped us to do that… we’re hunters, we learn about vampires all our lives, and yet you can’t understand?”
“Alistair helped you?” Eve asked, too shocked for coherent thought as she stared at her mother.
Mom nodded. “We asked him to… said we had a way, but we needed his help… and he helped us.”
Eve could only shake her head in disbelief. The bond between sire and fledgeling was an almost sacred bond. It wasn’t the same as a parent child relationship, but it was one that bound the two with a connection between their minds that lasted for centuries, and sometimes entire lifetimes. Yet, Alistair had betrayed that bond. No wonder Ray acted strangely whenever he saw him.
“Oh god.” she said finally.
“Alistair said...” Daphne swallowed. “He said it felt like ripping the still beating heart from out of his chest when Ray turned human again, but… Eve, what if it felt the same for Ray? We… we never thought to ask… just went back to behaving as if everything was normal when he was back… and now, when he comes back after all these years, we are more excited about being able to be friends with Alistair again than with the fact that Ray is back… we just took him for granted, and...” she wiped her eyes. “I’m his mother… I should have tried to understand him.”
“So, are you going to stop being friends with Alistair just because it hurts Ray?” Eve asked.
Was that where this was going? If it was, she was going to have words with Mom. A week ago, she would have been all for that, but not now.
“No,” Mom said, looking surprised. “No, of course not. But I should have talked to Ray, tried to make him understand, and listened to his concerns.”
“Without intending to do anything about it,” Eve said.
“That’s not...” Mom sighed. “Do you want me to stop being Alistair’s friend?”
“No,” Eve shook her head. “I don’t want to go back to feeling as if I’m being buried under a mountain of guilt every time I see Alistair, so no.”