THE FRIENDSHIP
FORMULA
THE
FRIENDSHIP
FORMULA
Caroline Millington
AN ANIMA BOOK
www.headofzeus.com
This is an Anima book, first published in the UK in 2019 by Head of Zeus Ltd
Copyright © Caroline Millington, 2019
The moral right of Caroline Millington to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
ISBN (HB): 9781788545402
ISBN (E): 9781788545419
Author photo © Nicky Johnstone
Head of Zeus Ltd
First Floor East
5–8 Hardwick Street
London EC1R 4RG
WWW.HEADOFZEUS.COM
In loving memory of Katie Haines
Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Chapter 1 • What is the Friendship Formula?
Chapter 2 • Friendships: making you happy and healthy
Chapter 3 • How to make friends
Chapter 4 • The friendship circle
Chapter 5 • Best friends forever
Chapter 6 • Work friends and foes
Chapter 7 • Letting go of a friend
Chapter 8 • Toxic fallouts
Chapter 9 • The death of a friend
Chapter 10 • The parent trap
Chapter 11 • Just good friends?
Chapter 12 • Social media mates and meeting IRL
Chapter 13 • Loneliness and choosing to be alone
Associations and more information
Contributors
Thank yous
About the Author
About Anima
1
What is the Friendship Formula?
What makes a best friend? How do you cut out toxic people from your life? Who are the people you should surround yourself with to make you happy? Friendship feels like it should be easy, but the reality can be very different. If life was a pie chart, work and sleep would carve out big triangles, leaving you with a finite number of hours for family and friends – and deciding who you spend your precious free time with can sometimes feel more complicated than long division.
In my first book, Kindfulness, I wrote: ‘Ultimately, we deserve to surround ourselves with cheerleaders, with people who support us, believe in us and are there in the good times and the bad. I think people fall into two categories: drains and radiators – they either suck us of energy and emotion or radiate warmth and love.’ The Friendship Formula applies the concept of kindfulness1 to friendship, in order to make sure you’re getting the most out of all your relationships. It will help you to look at the drains and radiators in your life, and all the types of friendship in between. From who deserves to be in your close circle of friends to why friends are good for your health and how to cope with toxic fallouts.
As friends are the family we choose for ourselves, and female friendship feels more important than ever, the Friendship Formula celebrates the nurturing relationships we build together and helps us to cope when friendships break down. The basis of friendship – what we expect from friends and the way we deserve to be treated – is not bound by gender, sexuality, race or religion.
We’ll be exploring the main aspects of friendship: the good, the bad and the ugly. The rise of the ‘frenemy’ and how to call them out on their behaviour; what to do if a friend ‘ghosts’ you; surviving friendship betrayal; and how falling in love and parenthood can impact on friendships. Can men and women ever just be good friends? Can you be friends with an ex? Is it ever a good idea to be friends with benefits? And the heartbreaking grief felt when a friend dies.
I hope the Friendship Formula will leave you wanting to tell your best friends how much you love and appreciate them, while accepting that some friendships naturally come to an end and the best thing to do is to let go and move on.
In Kindfulness I suggested you take a personal development review to look at all aspects of your life. You can use the Friendship Formula as an opportunity to do the same with your friendships. Just like Marie Kondo, the Japanese organizing consultant, has got us all going through our wardrobes, books and kitchen utensils (I mean, how many wooden spoons do we actually need?!), we should apply the same principles to our social circle.
Take ten minutes now to think about which friends bring you joy – the ones you want to spend more time with; who’s lurking at the back of your closet, forgotten, and needs thanking for the lessons they’ve taught you before putting in your ‘no longer bring me joy’ pile?; and which mates need ‘waking up’?
Hopefully, the Friendship Formula will help you look at the people around you, cherish the ones who bring you the most happiness, end those relationships which aren’t good for you, motivate you to be open to meeting new people, and show you that spending time alone should be celebrated, not feared.
Ten Friendship Formula rules
1. Be the friend you wish to have.
2. Ditch toxic friends immediately and without hesitation.
3. Invest in the friendships that bring you the most joy and let others go with gratitude for the lessons they taught you.
4. Believe you deserve to be treated with respect and love by all your friends.
5. Recognize that falling in love and having children change friendships – but when you truly love a friend, you adapt and find the positives.
6. Accept that it’s OK to let a friendship go, guilt-free, if it’s run its course.
7. Love bomb your closest friends often and without reason.
8. Make the most of your work wives and husbands – they will make your work environment a happier place to be and can help develop your career.
9. Never hold onto a friendship out of a sense of duty.
10. Learn to enjoy your own company and find the positives in spending time alone.
1 Kindfulness is blending mindfulness with being kind to yourself. Simply, remembering to treat yourself with kindness in all instances.
‘Women understand. We may share experiences, make jokes, paint pictures, and describe humiliations that mean nothing to men, but women understand. The odd thing about these deep and personal connections of women is that they often ignore barriers of age, economics, worldly experience, race, culture – all the barriers that, in male or mixed society, had seemed so difficult to cross.’
Gloria Steinem
2
Friendships: making you happy and healthy
I learnt what friendship is from my big sister, Leanne. The ultimate best friend, her honesty, kindness, loyalty and empathy know no bounds and have set a very high bar for any female friends in my life. From a young age, I expected people to make me feel the same way my sister did: safe, respected, cherished and entertained.
The next lesson I received in friendship was at school; when boys and girls could be friends but a game of kiss chase could confuse matters. My final childhood education on what I should expect from friendships came from books. Everything from Winnie-the-Pooh to The Famous Five gave me a clear idea of what friendship should be: adventures, moral support, fun and someone to lift you up when you’re down.
I vividly remember Lucy Maud Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables novels and reading a
bout Anne’s best friend, Diana Barry, described as her ‘bosom friend’ and ‘a kindred spirit’. It was the first time I had read something akin to sisterhood.
The Japanese have a term, kenzoku, which translated literally means ‘family’. It suggests a bond between people who have a deep connection of friendship, who’ve made a similar commitment to each other and lived a shared history. Your closest friends, I learnt from a young age, should be the family you choose for yourself.
How do we find friends?
I wanted to find out how many people we meet in our lifetime and find out the number of potential friends we each have. Some say 10,000 while others estimate it could be up to 80,000 people! Whatever the exact number, you’re going to meet a lot more people that you don’t end up being friends with than you do. So when it comes to making friends, here are my key ingredients…
History
There’s a good reason why we stay in touch with people from school or university. You spend hours chatting about all the hilarious times you had together, reminiscing over the highs and lows, sharing memories and gossiping about where people are now. Beyond that, you might not have as much in common as you did when you swapped marbles and course notes. History can end up being the solid foundation of a good friendship.
Shared interests
If you’re going to spend time with someone, it’s clearly important that you like doing some of the same things – and a shared passion is always a good way to kick-start a friendship. Whether it’s sport, films, politics, music or books, having a pastime you’re both passionate about means you’ll never run out of things to discuss.
Common values
I’ve met people who are 100 per cent my type on paper, but then they come out with a statement that stops me in my tracks. A homophobic aside, a sweeping generalization about the LGBTQ+ community, language I would never use to describe people of colour – and all respect goes out the window. Shared values and a moral code are the pillars of any friendship.
Equality
There has to be equality in a friendship – equal amounts of time sharing your good news and bad. Naturally, the need to be there for each other will ebb and flow, and life can throw a spanner (or a whole toolbox) in the works every now and again, but conversational hijackers must not be tolerated. If you only hear from someone when they need something, they are not a true friend.
A commitment to your happiness
Truth-tellers. ‘Don’t have a fringe cut, they just don’t suit you.’ ‘He seems a great guy but since you’ve been with him you always talk about the issues you’re having rather than the joy.’ ‘I love going out with you but you are a messy drunk at the end of the night and it spoils my fun.’ The people who deliver opinions honestly but with kindness.
Being a good influence
They motivate you and bring out the best in you. Good friends challenge you to take risks and encourage you to fulfil your potential. They don’t egg you on, don’t mock you or belittle you in front of others. They are your best cheerleader.
Friendship is good for your health
We all know how important friendship can be – but it literally can be a lifesaver. In recent decades, there have been some groundbreaking studies into the importance of friendship and the impact it can have on our lives – and the dangers a lack of bonds and connections can have too.
In 2002, two women scientists at UCLA published a study on friendship among women, which claimed that stress can trigger a chemical reaction that causes women to make and maintain friendships with other women rather than triggering a fight-or-flight response. Previously, it was believed that men and women reacted to stress in the same way, but researchers believe that oxytocin is released as part of the stress response in women, which buffers the fight-or-flight response and, instead of preparing to fight or flee, encourages women to look after children and gather with other women instead. The action of ‘tending or befriending’ releases more oxytocin, which continues to calm the feelings of stress.
According to Drs Klein and Taylor, this calming response doesn’t occur in men, because they produce high levels of testosterone under stress, which reduces the effect of oxytocin. So, when it comes to stress, ‘Men walk, women talk.’
‘I still have friends from primary school. And my two best girlfriends are from secondary school. I don’t have to explain anything to them. I don’t have to apologize for anything. They know. There’s no judgement in any way.’
Emma Watson
‘There’s no doubt that friends are helping us live longer,’ Dr Klein has said. When women are feeling stressed they are more likely to turn to a female friend for comfort than walk away and say nothing. Sound familiar? I know in times of stress I’ll put in an emergency call to a friend who’ll soothe me with words of wisdom, offer gentle solutions or just listen as I offload.
In one 2017 study in America, researchers found that lonely people had a 50 per cent increased risk of early death, and in another study, those who had the most friends over a nine-year period cut their risk of death by more than 60 per cent.
According to a continuing study by Nurses’ Health Study at Harvard Medical School that started in 1976, the more friends a woman had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged. They were also more likely to be leading a joyful life. Research has shown that people with good friends often feel happier, less stressed and more like they belong than those without, and it’s unsurprising to find experts saying that having a strong network of friends also increases self-confidence.
These researchers have also found that not having close friends or confidants is as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight! Social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate and cholesterol. People also take cues from their friends who exercise or eat well to lose weight and develop healthy habits, as claimed by a highly publicized 2007 study.
A study published in the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry showed that increasing your level of social connection can protect your future mental health. We read so many articles about what we can do for our physical health, but an afternoon with our friends could be crucial to our mental health now and in the future.
A 2010 review of 148 studies found that people who felt less socially connected had more risk of early death than those who smoked, drank or were obese. Therapeutic programmes that focus on building social connectedness are effective in treating depression, anxiety and schizophrenia; and people who make new social group connections are less likely to develop depression.
The New Zealand Attitudes and Values Study (NZAVS) showed that, when a person’s level of social connection goes down, they experience worse mental health a year later. However, there is some good news: the influence of social connectedness on mental health over time was about three times stronger than the other way around – the more social someone was, the more improved their mental health. All the more reason to spend time with the friends who make you happiest.
‘My definition of a friend is somebody who adores you even though they know the things you’re most ashamed of.’
Jodie Foster
The Friendship Formula survey...
What traits do you look for in a friend?
‘Kindness, honesty and fun.’
‘Being reliable, understanding, clever, funny, enthusiastic and silly.’
‘A good listener but doesn’t judge. Someone who I can laugh with, but am not embarrassed to cry with.’
‘No drama, fun, loyalty.’
‘Trust, ability to listen, awareness of their own faults, sense of humour and no judgement.’
‘Honesty, loyalty and acceptance.’
The Friendship Formula survey was conducted in 2019.
3
How to make friends
Stereotypes are lazy. When meeting someone new, it’s too easy to stick labels all over them in some kind of Post-it-note-type frenzy. We can often be too quick t
o judge by appearance, accent or gender. We make assumptions about people based on the company they keep and where they work. Have a conversation and you might be surprised at how much you actually have in common. So when it comes to making new friends, keep an open mind and an open heart…
How to attract true friends
First rule: be the person you’d like to be friends with! You’ll attract the people who share the traits you find the most appealing. Pursue your passions. Spend time doing what you like and you’ll meet the right people for you along the way.
Making friends as an adult can be hard. When we’re kids, it seems so easy. Our subconscious bias hasn’t fully developed, and as long as the other kid is willing to share, we’re friends – whether it’s for two minutes in the park or for life. But finding new friends when you’re older can be trickier.
A 2018 study from the University of Kansas revealed that time spent together is everything. Associate professor of communication studies, Jeffrey Hall, found that two people need to share fifty hours’ worth of face time to turn from acquaintances to casual friends. After ninety hours spent together two people can become friends. They have to hit 200 hours together to qualify as close friends.
Spending 200 hours together doesn’t actually mean you’re guaranteed to become best friends. ‘When you spend time joking around, having meaningful conversations, catching up with one another, all of these types of communication episodes contribute to speedier friendship development,’ Dr Hall has said. ‘You have to invest. It’s clear that many adults don’t feel they have a lot of time, but these relationships are not going to develop just by wanting them. You have to prioritize time with people.’
The Friendship Formula Page 1