The hustler
Never stops; always trying new things. You admire their tenacity and fearlessness. In turn, they inspire you to take calculated risks, motivate you to have a ‘can do’ attitude and stop holding yourself back.
The cheerleader
The one you turn to when you need lifting up; when you just need chivvying along in life. They believe in you, your hopes and dreams, never question your ambition no matter how wild, and will do everything in their power to push you forward and fulfil your dreams.
The straight-talker
Everyone needs someone to tell it to them straight. But if you ask them if an outfit looks good, prepare yourself for an honest answer. They never make you feel bad on purpose but they always say it how it is.
Friendship later in life
According to new research, friends become increasingly important to health and happiness as people age. A 2017 study by William Chopik, assistant professor of psychology at Michigan State University, found that while both family and friend relationships were associated with better health and happiness, in older years the link only remained for people who reported strong friendships.
In a separate study of 7,500 older people in the US, he found that it wasn’t just important to have friends – it was the quality of those friendships that was key. ‘You have kept those people around because they have made you happy, or at least contributed to your well-being in some way,’ he says. ‘Across our lives, we let the more superficial friendships fade, and we’re left with the really influential ones.’
So when you’re looking to ‘Marie Kondo’ your friendship circles – looking at those who bring you joy and you want to keep, while thanking those who served a purpose and letting them go – know you are doing it to improve your quality of life, health and happiness!
Have a look in your phone and see – who are the five people you speak to and text the most? Do you consider them your closest friends?
If there’s someone you love and notice you don’t speak to as often, do you feel you should make more effort to keep in touch?
Write down the five people you’re closest to. Now add the fifteen or so people you also consider close friends. Are there people on that list who you’ve drifted away from recently? Would you like to make more effort with them or consider if your relationship has maybe moved into an outer circle?
You might have a list of twenty people by now. Look at their names individually and consider the purpose of your friendship. Do they bring positivity to your life? Are they someone you trust? Or do you think you’ve been slack in your commitment to the friendship?
Now is the time to decide whether you want to re-commit to all these people. If you love them, take the opportunity to tell them! Send a text just to say you love spending time with them and value having them in your life. Or grab some cards and write a personal note – there’s nothing like getting something in the post for no reason to make you feel loved.
Accept that some friendships may have shifted in the past year due to circumstances beyond your control. You don’t have to have a big fallout to fall apart. Trying to figure out when the right time to let go is? That’s next…
‘I’m so in love with her. She’s proof that the love of your life does not have to be a man! That’s the love of my life right there.’
Michelle Williams on Busy Philipps
The Friendship Formula survey…
What’s the kindest thing a friend has ever done for you?
‘Made me godmother to her boys!’
‘Gathered me up after a massive breakup and moved me into their house for a bit.’
‘Visited me daily when I was in intensive care.’
‘Told me that my hairstyle (at the time) was so terrible that she was going to take me straight to a barber.’
‘Let me live with her for free for six months.’
‘Wrote a letter to tell me that they love being friends with me.’
‘Attending my grandfather’s funeral when she had never met him.’
‘Put together a photo album of memories we shared over the years and wrote me the most beautifully wonderful letter.’
‘Looked after me after the death of a boyfriend.’
‘Lots of people want to ride with you on the limo, but what you want is someone who will ride the bus with you when the limo breaks down.’
Oprah Winfrey
What’s a best friend?
‘Best friends are people who help you. They share and play with you. They help you when you fall over. Best friends should be kind. Yes, we fall out. We are rude to each other sometimes. If we fall out, we make up by saying, “I’m sorry”.’
My niece Eliza, aged five
‘A best friend should be someone who understands you, gets your jokes and you can have fun with. They would never spread rumours about you and you should just be able to be yourself around them. We just hang out, make each other laugh and cheer each other up when we’re feeling sad. If we fall out it’s over some melodrama – we wait for it to pass and then make up again.’
My goddaughter Jessica, aged fourteen
5
Best friends forever
When I was at junior school, I had a best friend called Zoe. When she left, she was replaced by Emily – we had sleepovers and went trick-or-treating together. Later, at my all-girls’ senior school, I had a group of friends instead of one best friend, but I didn’t really have a sense of belonging. There were girls I got on with really well, and I look back with fond memories of birthday sleepovers and lunchtime gossip, but the petty jealousies, fallouts and dramas were not for me. Making friends in my teenage years, I sometimes felt like Sandra Bullock in Bird Box: stumbling around with a blindfold on, desperate for human contact, not knowing who to trust and worried about getting hurt.
The first day of university was a turning point in friendships. After the initial introductions in halls we headed down to the first dinner. I remember the hall warden standing up declaring, ‘Look around you now, because the person sat next to you will be your friend for life.’ New housemate Ruth and I looked at each other with sheepish smiles, but that moment sealed the deal. She was my new best friend. And, while circumstance means we’re not always at each other’s side, we’re best friends for life.
As I’ve said, my sister Leanne has set a high bar when it comes to friendship. She’s my ultimate ride or die. So my closest friends – men and women – are all epic people who hold a special place in my heart.
With my BFF Ruth, we don’t see each other as much as we’d like due to distance and family – her brilliant husband and two boys – but we continue to invest in our friendship. We’ve been through a lot together: breakups, bereavements, marriage, children, career issues, health scares and more. Our friendship is totally different to how it was in our university years because our lives have taken different paths, but we share more than just history.
‘The friends with whom I sat on graduation day have been my friends for life. They are my children’s godparents, the people to whom I’ve been able to turn in times of trouble, friends who have been kind enough not to sue me when I’ve used their names for Death Eaters. At our graduation we were bound by enormous affection, by our shared experience of a time that could never come again, and, of course, by the knowledge that we held certain photographic evidence that would be exceptionally valuable if any of us ran for prime minister.’
J. K. Rowling
I think friendship is a bit like taking part in Strictly Come Dancing: you need clear communication, patience, endurance, trust, kindness and compromise. You take it in turns to lead – when one can’t see the direction you’re going in, the other guides the way. Sometimes you break apart for a solo moment, but you always come back together and you always forgive each other for the occasional misstep and mistake.
While the best friendships are equal, the reality is they’re not 50/50 all the time. Sometimes you rely on the person more, or they lean on you
, but, ultimately, it’s a partnership. In fact, your best friend could end up being the love of your life. Over half of Brits aged 25–44 are now single and, according to the Marriage Foundation, half of millennials in the UK will never get married. Best friends have never had such an important role in our lives.
New research conducted by the personalized gifting website The Book of Everyone asked 1,027 women aged sixteen and over about their closest female friendships and found that on average a UK woman has six significant female friendships throughout her life and that women spend 67 per cent more time improving their romantic relationships compared to their friendships – and 30 per cent of women are more likely to cancel plans with their best friend than with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Ouch! This research also found that the average female friendship span for women in the UK is sixteen years – six years longer than the average romantic relationship.
Despite what we’ve seen about the growing importance of female friendship, it seems some women haven’t got the memo yet.
The recipe for friendship
The following are my must-haves for close friendships:
Kindness
The number one attribute we all look for in a friend. A friendship will not prosper and grow without simple acts of kindness.
Honesty
You should be able to tell your best friend anything and expect an honest answer, delivered with kindness. If their idea of honesty is too brutal, you can ask them for a more tactful view!
Give and take
In an ideal world, the effort put in by both friends should be 50/50, but we don’t live in an ideal world. Sometimes it will be up to you to make more effort and invest time in your friendship. The ebb and flow of a friendship is natural, but always keep an eye out in case you get stuck in giving 80 per cent for too long. If you begin to feel taken for granted, it’s up to you to communicate your needs.
Communication
From keeping in touch and making each other feel wanted to resolving any conflict, sorting out your differences and learning to talk about your needs. Lack of communication – and a hesitation to express disappointment or hurt – seems to be one of the main reasons friendships fall apart. Better to talk things through with kindness at the heart of the matter than let things fester and see a friendship turn sour, leaving both parties confused and frustrated at where it all went wrong.
‘I don’t know what I would have done so many times in my life if I hadn’t had my girlfriends. They have literally gotten me up out of bed, taken my clothes off, put me in the shower, dressed me, said, “Hey, you can do this,” put my high heels on and pushed me out the door!’
Reese Witherspoon
Shared humour
This is the basis of so many close friendships – the same outlook on life, finding the same things funny, but never making the other person the butt of a joke.
Dependability
You can rely on each other and trust their word. You know they won’t let you down at the last minute without a valid reason or explanation.
Independence
Your lives complement each other, running in parallel, but you’re not co-dependent. It’s important to develop your own self-worth and not purely validate yourself through friendship.
The recipe for a perfect friendship doesn’t actually exist – it’s unique to you! Your needs and priorities are different to mine and everyone else’s, and over time our friendship needs may change too.
Male bonding
Forget sports chat over a pint, close heterosexual male friendships go way beyond superficial conversation and bravado. There was a time when men were expected to be the strong, silent types, back-slapping their affections and competing for jobs and women.
I believe men, in this century, enjoy authentic and deep friendships with their guy friends, and there’s never been a more important time for this. According to researchers from the University of Winchester, young men get more emotional satisfaction out of close heterosexual friendships than romantic relationships with women. Participants in the 2017 study said they felt less judged by their bromances than by their girlfriends, and that it was easier for them to overcome conflicts and express their emotions to a close guy friend than to a love interest.
Adam White, a researcher at the University of Winchester and lecturer in sport and physical education at the University of Bedfordshire, said: ‘This is potentially a really significant shift in young men’s behaviour, recognizing they now may be able to talk, share and support each other with a whole host of physical and mental health vulnerabilities. Unfortunately, while positive for men, this may disadvantage girlfriends and traditional relationships, which are seen as having more pressures and regulation. These men told us how they would often prioritize their bromantic relations over their romances. So, if guys can now get all of the benefits from their bromances, it reduces male to female relations to sex.’
Professor Eric Anderson, a professor of sport, masculinities and sexualities at the University of Winchester, added: ‘The rise of the bromance is directly related to the diminishment of homophobia. It signals that young, straight men no longer desire to be trapped by older, conservative notions of masculinity.’
It appears that friendships for both men and women are evolving and becoming more important than ever.
‘He’s a great actor, a great man and I’m glad to call him my friend.’
Tom Hiddleston on Benedict Cumberbatch
‘You can tell we really like each other. We really are friends, and we’re giving each other crap like we’ve known each other all our lives. I just think the world of that dude.’
Blake Shelton on Adam Levine
‘Other women who are killing it should motivate you, thrill you, challenge you and inspire you rather than threaten you and make you feel like you’re immediately being compared to them.’
Taylor Swift
6
Work friends and foes
Friends at work are like a good bra: they perk you up, make you look good and always support you!
You can spend over forty hours a week in the company of people you wouldn’t actually choose to. According to LinkedIn’s Relationships@Work study in 2014, 46 per cent of professionals worldwide believe that work friends are important to their overall happiness. In my experience, having friends at work can be a game changer. Jobs I’ve had working alongside great friends have been a joy while being in an office without close mates has left me feeling isolated and unsupported. But beware the millennial mate looking to further their career. When asked whether they would sacrifice a work friendship for a promotion, 68 per cent of millennials said they would. Savage!
However, there appears to be a huge difference in attitudes towards friends at work across the generations. When it comes to baby boomers (aged 55–65), 45 per cent of professionals said that such friendships had no effect on workplace performance. It seems older people see the workplace as functional and don’t look for emotional bonds with co-workers. However, this generation shows more loyalty to friends, with 62 per cent of boomers saying they would never even consider sacrificing a friendship for a promotion. In another survey of 4,000 employees and 100 employers by Total Jobs, it was revealed that just 17 per cent of us have a best friend at work. I think this is such a shame as becoming close to a work colleague can be beneficial on so many levels.
Having a close friend at work can save your sanity and career, although in my experience, when a friendship in the office turns sour, it can do the exact opposite. The workplace can be a stressful environment at the best of times, so finding ‘your people’ in the office can feel like winning the lottery – but work-centred friendship comes with a whole host of complications too.
I’ve been lucky enough to pick up some of the very best people throughout my career and carry the friendship out the door along with my P45. But for every person I’ve grown close to at work and developed a personal friendship that goes beyond the canteen, there are many that
I haven’t.
Becoming friends with someone at work can give you a false sense of kinship. The bond is built purely on what you have in common in the workplace and doesn’t go beyond the confines of the office. Finding someone who really gets you can make or break a job.
Like having your own emotional support peacock, a best friend at work helps you deal with stress. It can be difficult managing emotions and often our job is the one place that triggers the most emotional reactions. In the past, I’ve struggled with anxiety in the workplace and it was the support of a close friend who got me through. They knew the people I was dealing with, the management and structure. There was no second-guessing behaviour or assuming I was being over-sensitive. They could be there for me because they saw it first-hand.
What you get from good work friends:
♦ Lunch companion.
♦ Shoulder to cry on.
♦ Telling you when your eye make-up has smudged or you have something in your teeth before a big meeting.
The Friendship Formula Page 3