If you’re very frustrated but can’t face the social taboo of blocking someone, you can simply mute them so they never pop up in your feed (and even mute them on Facebook Messenger too). Word of warning: this can make for awkward encounters if they share big life news you miss because they are muted, but you can always blame those algorithm gods and act incredulous that you missed such an important post.
I’m thankful to Facebook for keeping me connected with close friends scattered across the globe. And Twitter for having interesting interactions with people I would never meet in person. And Instagram for introducing me to positive role models and inspirational women. But never forget how important meeting up with friends in real life can be for our well-being. There might be all the feels online but there are no hugs available on the internet.
‘We underestimate how important touch is in the social world,’ Professor Dunbar has said. ‘Words are easy. But the way someone touches you, even casually, tells you more about what they’re thinking of you.’
But what happens when you hit it off online and want to move from virtual to real life?
From online to real life
Keep your expectations realistic. Just because you find each other hilarious in 280 characters or fewer doesn’t mean you’ll be LOLing in person; but if they’re your type on screen, the chances are they’ll be ‘one of your people’ in the flesh.
Social media is a great way to connect with like-minded people who you have plenty in common with. Whether it’s a romantic or mate date, however, always meet somewhere public. You also don’t have to swap numbers – just arrange the details in your DMs and wait until you trust the person to exchange any personal information.
I’ve met a few people after chatting on social media, with mixed results. One was a girl who offered to show my friend and me around and go for a drink while we were visiting Bangkok for the first time. We agreed to meet for one cocktail and ended up staying out until the early hours of the morning in one of the city’s most questionable establishments! She now lives back in the UK but hundreds of miles away, so we haven’t had the chance to meet up again, but we keep in touch – on social media! – and I know we’d enjoy another night out in real life together.
Another social media-to-IRL meeting didn’t go so well. We had a huge amount in common and I was excited to meet her. We talked for a few hours over wine and bumped into a friend of mine who joined the conversation. All went well, although she was very interested in talking about race issues with my mate, who is black. It wasn’t until the following day I found out she’d horrifically offended my friend with some blatant racism when I’d gone to the loo. To say I was mortified is an understatement. You see, you just don’t know someone until you spend time with them in person.
Needless to say, when she followed up to meet again, I explained that wouldn’t be happening, called her out on insulting my friend and suggested she read some relevant books, like Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race. She apologized, but I don’t need or want people like that in my life. My real friends don’t deserve that shit in their lives and I feel terrible that the incident happened on my watch.
So, there’s the good, the bad and the ugly.
The Friendship Formula Survey...
Have you ever met someone on social media and they have become friends in real life?
‘We got chatting about a common interest, ending up attending similar events, and now keep in touch.’
‘Yes, I met my friend on Twitter and we met when I went to London. We liked a lot of the same things and I now count her as one of my best friends.’
‘I’ve got a few social media friends who are now real life friends as we live locally and met up at a group social. We’ve been friends for 10 years.’
‘Yes – a mummy blogger on Instagram.’
‘I started travelling by myself. I went to Australia and Costa Rica as soon as Mean Girls was over. I’m pretty spontaneous so I didn’t really know what I was doing. I was terrified and lonely. You see incredible things and there was no-one to share them with. But I think it gave me a bit of chutzpah and ended up being one of the best things I’ve ever done. It taught me I could survive on very little too. I would do it that way all over again, it was life-changing. You get to prove to yourself, what you’re made of.’
Rachel McAdams
13
Loneliness and choosing to be alone
There’s a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely. We’re going to look at both. You can have a mobile phone full of numbers or be stood in the middle of a party and still feel lonely. There have definitely been periods of my life when I’ve felt this way, which will probably come as a surprise to my friends. You can be outgoing and seemingly happy but still be very lonely and end up isolating yourself from others as a result – which doesn’t help at all! Often when I’ve felt lonely and neglected, it’s simply because the people in my life assumed I was busy. It’s your responsibility to reach out to people and let them know when you need company or help.
In 2017, charities Relate and Relationships Scotland released a report called ‘You’re Not Alone’, looking at social relationships in the UK. It was found that almost 7 million adults in the UK say they have no close friends, an increase from one in ten as was the case in 2014–15. The study also found that 45 per cent of UK adults say they feel lonely at least some of the time; almost a fifth said that they feel lonely often or all of the time; and, sadly, around one in six (17 per cent) said they never or rarely feel loved.
While loneliness is often associated with the elderly, it’s actually younger people who are more likely to feel lonely. Almost two-thirds of 16–24-year-olds said they feel lonely at least some of the time, and almost a third (32 per cent) feel lonely often or all the time. In 2018, MP Tracey Crouch was appointed what some have dubbed the ‘minister for loneliness’ to try to tackle the issue of loneliness in the UK. The same year, a study commissioned by the British Red Cross in partnership with the Co-op revealed 9 million people in the UK say they are always or often lonely.
‘Loneliness is a major social, educational, economic and health issue that will reach epidemic proportions by 2030,’ says Professor Stephen Houghton of the University of Western Australia. It could also be putting your health at risk. Researchers at Brigham Young University in Utah found that loneliness can increase the risk of early death by at least 30 per cent.
According to Katie Leaver, author of The Friendship Cure, we need to recognize loneliness and take action. ‘When you find the courage to admit that you are lonely, you claim a little control back for yourself. It is not shameful to be lonely – it is human and it is natural and it is salvageable,’ Katie says. ‘Loneliness is not necessarily the same thing as social isolation. Perhaps the cruellest thing about loneliness is that it can exist in the company of others.’
Back in 2000, Robert D. Putnam published Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community, which looked at the disengagement from friends, family, neighbours and community in the US. During nearly 500,000 interviews over twenty-five years, he discovered we belong to fewer clubs, get together with friends less often, spend less time with family and know fewer of our neighbours. Modern life – technology, changes in careers, a varied structure of families – has seen a deterioration in our relationships, which has had a significant impact on our health and well-being. Sad, right?
Social isolation is becoming more common: friends may move away; your job might mean you moving far away from family; divorce can cause emotional and physical upheaval; while many more people work from home too. And, just like happiness, loneliness is contagious. A 2009 study using data collected from roughly 5,000 people and their children found that participants are 52 per cent more likely to be lonely if someone they’re directly connected to is lonely.
So what can you do about it if you’re feeling lonely?
♦ If you feel lonely because you don’t have close friends
, start small and challenge yourself to speak to three people every day. They could be in a shop, library, your place of work or the bus stop. Once you get used to making chit-chat, you’ll be more confident about joining groups and clubs and starting conversations with potential new friends.
♦ Be aware that loneliness can lead to depression and other mental health issues. This is something you should discuss with your GP.
♦ Don’t rely on the internet to be your friend. The 1975’s song The Man Who Married a Robot springs to mind. While I’m a big fan of social media, it’s more important to spend time with people in the real world. Use the internet to enhance your life but don’t let it take over.
♦ Don’t keep it to yourself. When we feel lonely, it’s easy to sit in that loneliness – while others don’t even realize we feel this way. Confide in a friend that you are struggling and ask for help or suggestions of things you can do together and with other people.
♦ Look for ways to meet new people (See Chapter 3). Whether it’s volunteering for a local charity, visiting people in hospital or a home, or joining a local club, there are many ways to spend time with people and get to know them.
♦ Find friends through your passions – join a local book club, ramblers, fitness class at the gym, sign up for an art course or night school. You’re guaranteed to have something to discuss and make small talk about.
♦ Ask friends if they know people who would like to join you when you get together for dinner, a trip to the cinema or the theatre, or a walk. Work towards expanding your social circle through the people you know so you already have someone in common and are more likely to share the same interests.
♦ If you work, see if the company has any clubs you can join. Often there are choirs, etc.
If loneliness is really impacting your life, there are associations and helplines on page 188.
Choosing to be alone
I’ve lived on my own for fifteen years, and I love it. I’ve always been very sociable, and during my twenties and early thirties I was out with friends most nights. As I’ve got older I’ve spent more and more time alone – sometimes by choice, other times because I’ve not communicated my needs to friends and family, and occasionally because I’m experiencing anxiety. Mostly, though, being alone in my flat is safe, cosy and a choice.
Throughout my life I’ve found myself on the periphery of friendship groups, rarely in the middle. I know I have a tendency to join in with activities rather than be the organizer. It’s something I’m still trying to figure out myself – how I often don’t feel I truly belong, even with people I know care for and love me.
I’ve also come to realize that I prefer to spend time with friends one-on-one, or in small groups, rather than big gatherings. I shed my social butterfly wings in my twenties and instead love a proper catch-up with people. I often come away from big parties feeling frustrated that I didn’t get to have proper conversations with people. It can feel shallow and superficial to me. This could just be a sign of getting older!
When it comes to travel, I’ve always been on holiday with at least one friend, a group of mates or flown to meet people at the destination. The few days I’ve been left to my own devices abroad have been marred by anxiety and loneliness. I just didn’t particularly enjoy spending time alone on holiday. I took myself to a UK spa hotel for a long weekend – a writing break – and while it was relaxing and I was happy to eat alone, I couldn’t destress and enjoy myself. I talked myself through the weekend rather than switching off my inner critic and just enjoying it.
In 2018, while writing this book, I decided I was going to do just that. I wanted to put kindfulness into practice and take myself on a self-care holiday – to step out of my comfort zone and challenge myself, while showing myself some serious self-love. And while it would have been fun to have a girlfriend along for the ride, I decided this was something I had to do alone.
I decided to kick off 2019 in style and booked a flight to Bali on 1 January 2019. When I arrived at the airport, albeit hungover from the night before, the fact I wouldn’t know anyone for the next twelve days kicked in. What if I didn’t like being alone on the other side of the world? What if I was anxious and felt trapped? What if I got seriously bored of my own company? Thankfully, it was an expensive experiment that paid off.
I spent the first three nights at a hotel in Seminyak. Armed with a travel guide, I set out to explore the town during the day, enjoyed a smoothie in a bar overlooking the beach, wandered around the shops and had the most delicious lunch while people-watching. No one looked at me like I had two heads – or if they did, I didn’t notice. I wasn’t nervous, I was excited. This was a very different feeling.
The next couple of days were spent reading and relaxing, getting dressed up and taking myself out for dinner at night. I requested a table for one with no hesitation or embarrassment. I was on a solo adventure and proud of it. It gave me the confidence to realize that most people are so consumed with themselves, they don’t give anyone else much attention. Yes, my mobile phone and Wi-Fi were a perfect distraction to kill time, but I tried to spend the days taking in my surroundings and just being in the moment instead of losing myself in a digital world.
After a few days, I headed to Bliss Sanctuary For Women in Canggu for the next week. With only six women staying there at one time, it promised a wellness retreat focused on relaxation and self-care. I’d just got used to my own company when I would be living with strangers for a week. What if we had nothing in common? How would I deal with either making small talk for seven days or isolating myself from the group? I was apprehensive.
What followed was a week of life lessons, indulging in solitude and reading, early morning yoga, solo sightseeing trips for meditation at the Pyramids of Chi and exploring rice fields; shared meals with strangers who became friends. We were all there for different reasons but mostly to find our sense of self. Some of us were travelling solo for the first time and were amused to find ourselves alone but together. We shared very personal stories and experiences. There were tears. There was a real sense of belonging, and some of us bonded quickly and have kept in touch.
I discovered I like being alone even more than I thought I would, but also relish the company of others. Being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely. Learning to spend time on your own is a skill that everyone should master. Moments of solitude with nothing but your thoughts can tap into who you are, who you want to become and how you’re going to get there. There is something very centring about stripping back life and living in the present, even for a short time. It was truly one of the most blissful weeks of my life – it taught me so much about who I am and reinforced the way in which I’d like to live my life.
On my return – late due to a case of Bali belly, emergency doctor, drip and postponed flight! – people said I was brave to travel alone because they’d be too nervous. It’s not ‘brave’ but it has its challenges. Choosing to be alone is empowering. Solo travel is an adventure I’d recommend to anyone. It’s the perfect way to be positively selfish – no compromising on the sightseeing schedule, no debating where to eat or what time to head home after a night out. You make up your own rules and then break them if you want with no consequences.
I can’t wait to travel with friends again and make some memories together – girls’ weekends, adventures with my friend Nick, city breaks with my sister – but am already planning another solo trip to make memories just for me, too.
Remember…
♦ If you’re feeling lonely, reach out to those you know and find new people to share your time with. There are plenty of organizations, charities and clubs that would make you feel welcome. If the feeling of loneliness is overwhelming, do please seek help from your doctor.
♦ Learn to enjoy your own company. Reframe the negative and see time alone as a positive – listen to music you love, meditate, go for a walk while listening to a podcast or read a book. Embrace the quiet moments rather than fearing them.
&nb
sp; ♦ Don’t be afraid to have solo adventures. Whether it’s to the cinema, the theatre, a spa hotel or holiday abroad, never let the thought of a stranger judging you hold you back from doing what you want. Be confident in your choice to spend time alone.
Before I go…
I hope you’ve enjoyed The Friendship Formula, and that it’s given you the motivation to look at your friendship circles, give them a spring clean, see who brings you joy, recognize the mood hoovers and make more effort with those you love.
Friendship is an absolute gift and we should never take a good friend for granted. I hope this book has empowered you to cut out anyone toxic in your life, reassess anyone bringing negativity to the party and truly embrace your inner circle.
If I’ve learnt anything from my friends over four decades it’s to always tell those closest to you how much they mean to you, never hesitate to say ‘I love you’ and try to be there in their hour of need. Because you never know when someone can be taken away.
Learn to love time alone, surround yourself with positive people who make you feel like the wonderful person you are. The people you choose to spend time with should multiply your happiness. Never forget – you are worthy of the best friendships and people who make you feel fabulous.
Your friend,
Associations and more information
Katie Haines Memorial Trust
katiehainestrust.com
The Friendship Formula Page 9