by Grivante
“No,” Jonah shook his head. “My best guess is someone that works for the company we used to work for. They were researching stuff exactly like this.”
“I thought you said they were investigating anti-aging possibilities?” JJ questioned.
“They were, publicly. Behind the scenes, the CEO had other plans.”
“What kind—” JJ started.
“She was so hot,” Burt blurted out. “I remember seeing her on TV, she—”
Judas’s large green mitt swung up and smacked Burt in the back of the head.
Burt twisted around. “What was that for?”
“Now’s not the time,” Jonah commanded. “Keep your fingers off your triggers. We don’t want to draw any more attention to ourselves than necessary.” He walked to the door, stopping out of reach from the grasping hand. The other zombies growled and smacked at the windows.
“Ok, we open the door and run straight through them. I’ll go first. Push them back and knock them over. We’ll have bulk and speed on our side. Don't stop, keep moving, no matter what. We’ll run through the gate, then hang a right to the construction area. Once we get past these, we should be in the clear until we get the steamroller started.”
“Yeah, zombie pancakes! Here we come!” Judas laughed.
Jonah reached to open the door, stopping as his giant red mitt smacked it uselessly. “Shit,” he grumbled.
Judas, who was behind him, saw what happened and muttered. “Oops.” He cleared his throat. “Now what, Jonah?”
Jonah turned. “Now what? This was your plan! Now, we're in these damn costumes and no way to get—”
“Boys,” JJ snapped. “Calm down. This isn't the time—”
One of the large kitchen windows shattered, the dead finally hitting it hard enough to break it. Their growls roaring louder than the cacophony of falling glass.
“Dammit,” Jonah aimed his right mitt at the knob and pulled Brutus’s trigger. It took two shots before the knob clanked onto the floor along with a chunk of the costume’s mitt. He used a giant red leg and shoved the door open, pushing the zombies back.
“It’s time for zombie bye-bye!”
Part XIII - Pop Culture Armageddon
They ran in a straight line. First Jonah, then Judas, with Burt and JJ bringing up the rear. Knocking the dead away as they moved. Once off the porch and in the backyard, there were far fewer except the crowd clamoring along the rear fence, still trying to get in.
Jonah slowed as he took in the situation. They’d never be able to open the gate. There were too many around it. Then he remembered what Judas had done when they were trapped in the school office, drawing their attention away. He looked to his brother. “Remember what you did in the office at Savini Charter School last week? Drawing them from me?”
Judas nodded. “Got it. I’ll run to the far side and draw them off.”
“Good. We’ll keep the ones from the porch knocked down.” He turned to JJ and Burt. “Charge them and knock them over. One at a time. Let’s try to keep them off their feet.”
The large heads of their costumes bobbed up and down.
“Ok, good, cause here they come. Don’t let them swarm you.”
The crowd they had blasted through on the porch was back on their feet and stumbling toward them. The three Teletubbies turned to face the approaching dead.
Jonah charged the first one, the bulky suit causing him to waddle. “Ahh!” he cried out, slamming into the dead guy wearing a cowboy costume and knocking him over with an ‘oof!’
JJ came next, aiming for and bowling over a small, squat woman dressed as Strawberry Shortcake. The deceased woman toppled and JJ almost joined her, charging right over the top of the squat woman, unable to stop her momentum. Finally, she slowed enough to stand straight and stop moving. “It’s damn hard to stay upright in these things!”
“You’re telling me,” Jonah said, coming up beside her and steadying her with his big red arms. They watched as Burt ran at a thin woman in a sexy French maid’s outfit, blood stained the side of her body. She stumbled to meet him on broken heels.
Burt connected with her and both toppled over, him on top, limbs flailing and screaming as his mask came off.
“Oh shit,” Jonah yelled, he and JJ both breaking into a run to help him. “I’ll hold the others back,” Jonah shouted. “You get him up.”
JJ saw the zombie’s face mashed into the dry sandy lawn, the bulk of Burt’s costume smashing her. Burt was safe for the moment, despite his cries of… “Oh my god, she’s going to eat me!” and “I don’t wanna be a zombie.”
JJ squatted beside him, raising her mask. “Burt, calm down. It’s okay.”
He continued to thrash and scream.
“Burt! Let me help you!”
He glanced up, saw JJ’s face and drew a deep breath. “She’s gonna…”
“She’s nothing,” JJ said. “She’s stuck underneath you. Now, let's get you up before anymore end up in the pile.”
Behind them, Jonah taunted the rest of the group, leading them away to the other side of the yard.
“That’s right, come get yourself some Po.” He gestured at his chest and shouted over to JJ. “That’s this one’s name, right?”
She didn’t have time to answer as she helped Burt up, Strawberry Shortcake and the Cowboy were up again and already catching up with her.
“No!” Jonah screamed, watching helplessly as the two Halloween zombies slammed into her, toppling the whole group into a mess of costumed appendages.
At the back fence, Judas ran along it, smacking the green arms of the Dipsy costume against the metal to draw the zombies away from the exit. They followed as he led them to the far corner. Their eerie glowing eyes shining bright. Two of the dead fell into the backyard and clawed themselves to their feet before heading in his direction. He could see he had room to maneuver around them but still gripped the Glock tight, just in case.
As awkward as the costumes were they made for great protection against zombie bites. He spun to yell at the others to meet him at the gate when he saw Strawberry Shortcake and a guy who looked like Woody from Toy Story knock JJ’s purple costumed form to the ground.
“No!” he roared and took off at a fast waddle in their direction.
Jonah got there first, knocking Shortcake aside, then splattering Woody’s head with a blast from Brutus. The shot echoed throughout the quiet neighborhood.
Burt resumed screaming even as JJ rolled off of him and stood.
“Thank you,” she called out at Jonah, her ears ringing from the gunshot.
“Keep going!” Jonah cried, “the others are almost here. C’mon, Burt, get up!”
Burt struggled to his feet, gasping for breath, only making it to his knees. Jonah and JJ turned, knowing he was too slow and weak to move quickly.
“So much for keeping things quiet,” Jonah muttered and rotated to face the line of oncoming dead. One wore a storm trooper uniform, another a biker outfit, followed by a smurf and another creepy clown. “JJ, it’s time to cancel this eighties horror show!”
Judas came up behind them and together, the Teletubbie clad zombie exterminators, raised their gun arms and opened fire, Reservoir Dog’s style. They dropped the costumed corpses in the yard one by one until only the smashed French maid remained.
“C’mon, Burt!” Jonah barked. “We gotta get outta here.”
“I’m trying,” Burt panted, “this costume’s heavy.”
The brothers helped him from all fours on to his feet. The woman in the maid’s uniform groaned, rolling over and crawling toward them. They ignored her and Jonah opened his mouth to speak when he saw JJ wandering off toward the porch.
“Xanadu?” she called out.
“JJ!”
“I think I see him.” Her face lit up, she whirled and yelled his name. "Xanadu!”
There were no lights, no music, not even a bark in response. Just the groans of the dead.
“Come here, Xanny baby!” she tried
anew.
Jonah yanked off his mask and ran over to where JJ stood by the porch. “C’mon little one, we have to keep moving.”
She shifted, tears evident by the sound of her voice behind the mask. “He always comes when I call him. Always!”
Jonah put his red arms on her shoulders. “I don’t know what to say, he’s around here somewhere. We have to stay alive if we’re going to find him. So, keep moving, we'll make it to the cars and find your phone. You mentioned you could use it to track him, right?”
“Yeah,” the giant purple head nodded and she sniffed. “Kinda. It uses wi-fi signals or something and I can ping him on a map.”
“Ok, perfect,” Jonah said, easing her away from the porch with his arm. “Then let's get to it.”
They walked over to where Judas was helping Burt get his mask back on while using his boot to hold the French maid zombie on the ground.
“Their lights have gone out again,” Judas told Jonah. “They’re just hungry dead, instead of hungering only for us.”
“That’s good news,” Jonah said. “It might be easier to rush past them. We need to regroup, get more weapons and clean this area. Smash frenchies skull in,” he nodded toward the woman Judas stood on. “And i’ll go distract them from the gate again so we can make a break for it.
“Ok, you got it, bro.”
Part XIV - The Cat's Meow
Xanadu and Jefe’ emerged from a small hole in the side of the porch onto the front lawn. There was a serene quiet here, unlike the chaos of exploding chickens and the groans of approaching zombies out back. The moon stood full in the night’s sky, illuminating the porch along with the lone pumpkin on it. A candle flickered inside it.
Xanadu glimpsed the zombies milling about by his mistress’s car and his hackles rose. He turned to go back and warn her when Jefe’s yapping distracted him.
“Cat! Cat! There she is!”
Xanadu spun. Perched on the railing of the neighboring house sat a large Siamese, looking in the opposite direction. The cat gazed out at the street studying a lone zombie that shuffled along the sidewalk.
“Shh,” Xanadu huffed a hush at Jefe’. “Quiet or you’ll scare him away.”
“It’s a her,” Jefe’ said, sitting back and shivering in his little coat. “Let’s get her!”
“Ok, ok,” Xanadu said, his own excitement building. “But let’s be sneaky.”
“Ok,” Jefe’ said, still shivering. “How do we do that?”
Xanadu's face scrunched. “Just stay calm.”
“Ok!” Jefe’ stood taller on his trembling legs, teeth clattering like skeleton bones.
“Shh,” Xanadu hushed him again.
“Huh?” Jefe looked at him perplexed, his lips quivering. “How do you do that?” He studied Xanadu’s tranquil and relaxed form.
“Long deep breaths.” Xanadu inhaled through his tiny nostrils, then blew out through his mouth, lips forming an O. “And years of practice.”
“Ok.” Jefe’s head joined the rest of his body, making him resemble a bobblehead. “I’ll try it!”
Snort!
Jefe’ sucked in through his nostrils causing them to flare, his eyes getting wider and bugging out even further, his head shivered. He looked to Xanadu with a wide proud grin nodding at him as he held his breath.
Xanadu watched as Jefes’ eyes flitted and his whole body twitched. “Let it out,” he barked and lowered his head, shaking it.
“Oh,” Jefe’ nodded, blowing the air out, his lips pushing forward into an O, tiny little fangs chattering as his lungs emptied. A shiver ran the course of his small frame and the hairs along his back rose in a wave.
The cat on the railing continued watching the zombies wander.
“Ooh!” Jefe’ said, grinning and standing steadier than he had since Xanadu met him. “That was neat! I understand why you were a Bubba Gump Meister, that reminded me of when my owners scratch my backside. You know, that place you just can’t reach and it feels so good!” Jefes’ eye’s got wide as his body resumed trembling from head to toe. “I loved that so much, my owners called me a butt slut. I don’t know what that is, but if it means liking your butt scratched, I totally am!”
Xanadu smiled at Jefe’. “Me too.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Xanadu nodded.
“Cool. It’s nice to have something in common with you Xian-Do. Does that make me a Bubba Gump now?”
Xanadu’s lips drew tight, and he wrinkled his nose. “No.”
“Hmm. How’d you become a dog again?”
Xanadu thought for a moment. “It was a long, long time ago, Jefe’. I’m not sure you’d understand.”
“Well,” Jefe’ cocked his head. “How’d you get here?”
Xanadu considered how to answer this question, a flash of images running through his mind and ending with the smiling face of JJ as he licked her cheeks when she found him in the storage unit.1 This made him think of her car surrounded by zombies and he swung back just as Jefe’ started barking.
“Cat! Cat!” Jefe’ jumped up and down like a four-legged pogo stick, spraying a bit of pee on the ground as he did so. “She sees us!”
Xanadu turned, seeing the cat standing on the railing with its back arched, glaring at them. The moon glowed huge and bright in the sky behind it, illuminating the feline in a spotlight. She hissed at them.
“Ogggssss!” Then turned, dove off the porch and ran.
They chased after her, barking and shouting in excitement.
“Let’s chase her!” Jefe’ shouted.
“Cat! Cat!” Xanadu joined in.
“Yeah, we're gonna catch her and... and... do stuff!” Jefe’ panted.
They tore through yards in hot pursuit.
Parked in the shadows of a streetlight, now busted out, the dark van idled. Inside, a man stared at a series of black and green-lit monitors, watching the forms of the dead wandering on the streets.
Three small shapes darted from one screen to the next and he twisted to look at his boss. She sat in a chair in the back of the vehicle, eyes glazed with a green-cloudy sheen.
“Ma’am” he jabbed a finger at the screens, “you need to see this.”
She snarled, the deformed flesh on the right side of her face unmoving. Her eyes shifted back to normal and she spat. “What is it?” Then she caught sight of the shapes running across the monitors. She focused on the two small forms doing the chasing and her snarl twisted into a one-sided grin. Her hands dug into the chair’s arms as she growled out a command. “Go! Let’s get him!”
The men sprung into action. Grabbing guns, then getting out and assisting the woman in exiting through the van's large side door.
“That damn dog is mine!”
1 As seen in The Zee Brothers: Curse of the Zombie Omelet, get it on Amazon at getbook.at/zx
Part XV - The Four Teletubbies of the Apocalypse
Their eyes weren’t glowing anymore but the crowd of costumed undead wanted the warm flesh of the zombie exterminators all the same.
“Come on!” Jonah stood at the gate, glancing back at the others before turning at the approach of an overweight dead man. He wore a bright orange and bloody shirt that barely covered his belly. On it were the words, ‘This is my costume!’. “Real inventive there buddy,” he shoved the walking corpse, slipping a costumed leg behind the man’s ankle and knocked him over. Tinky-Winky, Laa Laa, and Dipsy charged through the opening and ran toward the construction site.
Jonah stopped long enough to shoot a fake mohawk wearing punk-rock zombie in the head. Judas spun at the sound of the blast. “I thought we were trying to keep a low profile?”
“Not anymore,” Jonah panted as he caught up with them. “It’s time to gun and run! Get them lined up and flatten ‘em.”
“I can’t wait to make zombie pancakes!” Judas laughed.
JJ joined in. “Zombie omelets, zombie pancakes, all you need now is some zombie bacon and you’ll have your very own themed restaurant.” She
slowed to catch her breath in the big purple suit. “Wait, scratch that! Don’t mess with my bacon!”
“Eighty-six the zombie bacon!” Judas shouted.
They huffed and chuckled as they approached the far end of the enclosed park. An orange plastic fence separated the playground from the rest of the area. A large mobile construction trailer sat in the back near a bulldozer and the steamroller. Various swings and other items lay in different stages of being built.
Just inside the fence, a young Hispanic man in skinny jeans, a loose-fitting ‘Thug Life’ tank top, and a black bandanna stood, watching them approach. It was the same kid they’d noticed when they arrived at the neighborhood. His two girls were no longer with him.
“Hey, slow your roll,” he shouted at them. When they continued running in his direction, he lifted the bottom of his shirt revealing the butt of a pistol sticking from his waistband. He grinned as they slowed, showing off a gold-capped grill.
Jonah held up a hand to warn the others, seeing the weapon and wondering if this kid was with the man he’d encountered earlier inside Burt’s house.
“I know you suburban mommies want to get your party on but rushing me is just gonna get you plugged full of holes.”
Burt bent over, wheezing from the exertion. JJ and Judas stood beside him and held him steady. Jonah continued inching toward the boy in the playground.
The kid kept his hand on the butt of the gun and reached into his pocket pulling forth a thick bag filled with white powder. “I got what you ordered, man. Let’s see the cash and y’all can go back to neglecting your children.”
“Kid,” Jonah stopped a few feet away, “we don’t want your drugs. You need to get outta here.”
The kid’s face soured. “You trying to roll me?” He tugged the firearm from his pants. “Which one of you is Danny? The one that called me for the party favors.”
Behind them, Burt yanked at his mask, falling to his knees in a coughing spat. He pulled it off just as a huge glob of spit flew free, the phlegm a mix of yellow and green with tinges of red.