by Grace Martin
When I’d seen him in the future, he certainly hadn’t acted romantically. He hadn’t, for example, shoved me up against a wall and kissed me breathless, but he’d come through for me when I’d had no one else. He’d broken into Aoife’s fortress in Eramar, on his own, and slaughtered cohorts of guards in his quest to reach me. He’d been covered in blood and I’d been afraid of him.
What was it he’d said? ‘I came to hate you over the years. Those of us who loved you the most came to hate you the most when you didn’t return.’
That was the moment I realised how he’d felt. Up until then I’d had nothing but guesses and awkward hopes.
I sat down at the table. Near him, but not so close it might push him too far. He noted it but didn’t say anything. Always silences between us.
‘Why did I come back? I came back because it was the right thing to do. People needed me and I could help. You might say I have a hero complex.’ Well, he had, twenty years into the future. ‘But I also came back because this is the only home I’ve ever known, in this time and in this place. The people here are the only family I’ve ever known. I could have stayed in my own time. I’d forced Aoife out of it and burned half the Thousand Counties to the ground. People needed a hero and I could have taken the throne and called myself Empress. But I came back, because my family is here. Because I could do good for others here, instead of just taking everything good for myself.’
He nodded, like I’d already told him this story before. He’d read a lot of me in his silences. He knew what that would mean to me. ‘Why did you let me kiss you like that?’
“Kiss” wasn’t a strong enough word to describe what he’d done to me, but I let the word stand. I wanted to look away, but I forced myself to hold his gaze. Just looking at him made me feel vulnerable, but in meeting his eyes, something hard crumbled inside me. There was no hate in that face, no judgement. I could answer truthfully and let the future happen as it would.
‘Because I wanted you to. Because you are special to me.’ I shrugged and tacked on the last reason as though it wasn’t important. ‘Because in the future, you came through a wall of death to save me. Because you said then that you’d loved me now and to be loved by you was enough.’
He pulled out a chair and sat down opposite me. ‘I must grow in courage as I age,’ he said, giving a weak grin.
I shook my head. ‘No. By then you’d had more than twenty years to think what you wanted to say to me. You said it and clammed up again.’ My grin was stronger than his.
He reached out and took my hand where it rested on the table. ‘It was true, Emer.’ His fingers lifted and played with mine. ‘I didn’t say it to you before because I knew you had someone you loved, back in Rheged. Did you go back to him?’
‘I did.’ I let him clasp my hand.
‘So why aren’t you there now?’
‘He is dead. Aoife — Saoirse — killed him.’
The grip on my hand went tight and his other hand joined to press mine in sympathy. ‘I am truly sorry, Emer. I know what it’s like to lose someone. I thought the sun had gone out of the world.’
I just nodded, my throat closing against the tears.
‘I don’t expect to take his place. I don’t expect you to feel the same way about me. I just wanted you to know.’
‘Why did you kiss me, then?’
‘Because I saw you and it was the only thing I could think about. I wasn’t really in a state to be making rational decisions.’ His lopsided grin was rueful. ‘All I could think was, you came back.’ Something savage, but fiercely reined, crossed his gaze. ‘And in that moment, I didn’t give a damn if you had someone else you loved. All I cared about was the fact that you said “yes.”’
‘And what about now?’ I asked. ‘Why are you here now?’
His response was instant. ‘Because I saw your eyes when you left here last time. I know you were telling the truth.’ He shook his head. ‘It’s a wild tale. The story the Queen tells is much more believable.’
‘So why believe me?’ I slid my hands from his.
‘Because you believe it. Nothing in her story allowed for you to be mistaken. There are only two choices. Either you’re a pathological liar whose selfish search for pleasure is uncontrollable, or you’re a person who has suffered a great deal and still looks out for the people she cares about. I thought about what I knew of you. It wasn’t much, not really. I saw you protecting Aine when you thought I was a danger to you. I saw you lie to protect her and give her back her family. You wanted to come riding with us that day — you wanted to be a part of our family — and you gave that up because saving your sister was more important than your own happiness. So, I have to believe you, because her story didn’t make sense after the way you behaved. You never did anything for yourself.’
‘I kissed you.’
‘Yes, you kissed me. But you have no idea how much the question is boiling inside me: did you kiss me because you wanted to, or because I wanted to?’
I knew what I should say, but I really didn’t know what to reply. I wanted Andras to kiss me then and I wanted him to kiss me again now. I knew he loved me. But I also knew that if Caradoc were somehow alive, I wouldn’t even be sitting at this table with Andras. Today was about the truth. I couldn’t lie to him again.
So, I told the truth, and hurt him again.
‘I wanted to kiss you,’ I said, ‘but I wanted to be carried away. I can’t…’ and I felt like crying as I said, ‘I can’t forget him. I can’t. I don’t even want to. And I’m so sorry. I wish I could feel the way you feel, but he has all my heart. I kissed you because I wanted my grief to go away. I wanted to stop hurting for a while.’
I thought it would hit him hard, but I think he was expecting it. He just nodded, gravely, then smiled. ‘Do you think I don’t know that, Emer?’
My lips twisted as I tried to control them, but I couldn’t hold back the tears. I put my face in my hands and started to cry. Instantly, Andras came around the table and pulled me gently out of the chair and into a gentle embrace that gave everything and demanded nothing. I couldn’t refuse the comfort he offered. I clung to him because I needed someone to cling to and let the tears fall.
As I calmed down, under the soothing touch of his hands, I felt a hole in his jacket, where the fabric had been torn away from his shoulder.
‘What’s this?’ I asked, fingering the frayed ends. ‘Isn’t this where you wore your insignia?’
Andras’s hand came up to touch the place where the insignia had been torn off his uniform. Our fingers tangled for a moment. I lingered. He pulled his hand away.
Maybe Aoife was right. Maybe I was driven by my search for pleasure. I’d kissed Ronan, too, only days after I’d seen Caradoc die. I just wanted so much for everything to stop hurting. Ronan had looked enough like Caradoc that I’d been able to fool myself for a moment that the lips under mine were lips I loved. I had no excuse with Andras. I wanted him, simple as that. And, selfishly, I wanted to take his love, simply because he was willing to give it.
‘Gwydion tore it away,’ Andras said, his voice deep. So, I wasn’t the only one who hurt him today. ‘I went back to them and they told me the Queen’s ridiculous story, crying on her lap like babies. I told them it was obviously bullshit.’ His lip twisted. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have used the word “bullshit” to describe a woman claiming to be the wife of the King. Gwydion removed my rank and title and sent me here.’
I barely knew him, really. I didn’t know if he’d spent his whole life training to be a guard. I didn’t know if he’d advanced through the ranks from nothing or if he’d come from a family able to buy him a commission. What I did know was that he’d loved Gwydion long before he’d loved me, even if he wasn’t aware of it. I was hurting because I’d lost Caradoc and Sparrow all over again, but Andras had been hurt by someone he loved, too.
I let my fingers linger a while, caressing the curve of muscle beneath his shirt through the hole in his jacket. It felt nice. An
d I wanted to feel nice.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, lowering my voice to a soothing purr. ‘You’ve taken a beating from all of us today, haven’t you?’
I’d tried to seduce Caradoc once. It wasn’t difficult because Caradoc was already with me as far as I was willing to go. Andras was feeling prickly and sore, but I knew I could soothe those hurts and I knew he could soothe mine. So, I smoothed my hand around the ball of his shoulder as he tried to grin. ‘The day started out pretty well.’
His eyes widened as my caressing hand moved over his shoulder and stroked the bare skin of his neck. His hand came up to cover mine, broad and strong and warm.
‘Don’t do something you’ll regret, Emer. I want you so much, but I don’t want our first time to be because your heart is moved to pity.’ He shocked me when he brought up his hand and laid it flat against the left side of my chest, the palm resting on the swell of my breast. When he spoke, his voice was rough. ‘I want your body, but I also want your heart.’
My hand reached his jaw. The beginning of stubble there surprised me. It had been smooth when he’d kissed me senseless just this morning, only a dozen hours ago. He closed his eyes to absorb the sensation of my touch against his face and I felt the pressure of his hand against my breast begin to curve in an unconscious caress.
‘I hurt so much, Andras and I’ve been hurt so much. I want it to stop hurting for a while. I know you can do that. And maybe,’ I shrugged, my breath catching on a gasp as the movement made his palm brush my nipple. ‘Maybe it’s a start. A beginning. Maybe the heart doesn’t always lead. Maybe sometimes it follows.’
It was horrible logic, but he didn’t care. My fingers reached his lips. He gripped my wrist and kissed my fingertips, one by one, his eyes burning into mine, then hauled me into his arms and kissed me senseless.
Chapter Six
He was like a whirlwind, like I’d been caught up in an altogether new kind of magic that wrapped around me and swept me away. The moment his lips met mine, everything else was forgotten. He broke the kiss to sweep me high in his arms and carry me to the bed. I laughed, a little breathless, as I clung to his neck and shoulders.
‘It’s only half a dozen steps,’ I reproved. ‘I could have walked.’
He shook his head, colour flaring across his cheekbones. ‘No. I want it like this.’
He dumped me on the bed and covered me immediately. When I felt his body heavy over mine, I panicked for a moment, remembering other bodies that had been heavy on mine. I made a gasp that could have sounded like a gasp of passion.
He felt it, though, felt the sudden stillness of my body. I focussed on his face, so close above mine, and framed it with my hands. ‘Andras,’ I whispered, to remind myself who it was.
‘We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, Emer,’ he warned.
I kept my eyes fixed on his, so dark and deep. ‘Don’t stop,’ I whispered.
He still waited. He was giving me time.
‘Please,’ I said.
He bent his head and caught my lips in a kiss so soft I felt like he was drawing on my soul. He sipped at my lips slowly and gently, savouring the kiss. When he finally drew away, he looked into my eyes again, studying my face. ‘I love you, Emer.’
I drew him down for another kiss, giving him everything.
Andras knew what he was doing. Every touch, every movement of his mouth over mine, over my body, was sure and knowing. When I arched and gasped, he smiled with primitive satisfaction, but it was no surprise to him when I tried to gasp his name and it only came out as a moan.
Caradoc hadn’t been practiced like this. He’d been enthusiastic, eager and aflame with desire, but Andras was an expert. He played my body like a master musician and wedded me to him with every touch and every kiss.
I’d thought about this moment for years. Even before Maldwyn took what I was too young to give, I’d wondered what it would be like. I’d had romantic dreams of a flower-filled wedding, with Sparrow weeping for joy in the background, and a groom standing in shadow. I’d dreamed very romantic, very vague dreams and there were times when my heart pounded in anticipation and longing for the day I finally met The One. I’d spent my whole life in seclusion. All my life experience came from books. It never occurred to me until I met Andras that it might be possible to love more than once in a lifetime.
And after Maldwyn did his best to destroy me, those dreams went away. I concluded that pleasure in sex was a romantic fiction, used to sell books. None of my books had ever detailed what Maldwyn did to me. I decided that I didn’t want to fall in love if it meant allowing someone to do that to me again. My life was closed to everything except Sparrow and vengeance.
Caradoc slipped under my guard. It was a long time before I realised what I felt for him was love and not just a very special sort of friendship. Losing him, and losing Sparrow so soon afterwards destroyed me.
I hadn’t expected anything from Andras, either. He’d slipped under my barriers so quietly I wasn’t sure how we’d come to this moment. But, as he was kissing me and touching me, I wasn’t able to think and didn’t want to.
If he hadn’t told me he loved me twice before, I think I would have known it from the way he touched me. Every movement spoke deeply of love. Every touch from his trembling hands, every rasping breath, every moment of consideration when sudden nerves assailed me proclaimed his feelings.
When the time came for us to join, he rolled onto his back, pulling me over him. His hands shaped my body, running over breast and belly and thigh to the secrets between and he whispered, ‘Love me, Emer.’
It wasn’t everything the romantic books I’d read as a girl had promised. It was different. It was more. It was everything. I felt free, gloriously free, as I took what he so willingly offered. Free, and bound, beautifully bound, because he was mine now. If what I was feeling right then wasn’t love, I’d never known it and never would.
When I was young, I’d imagined shedding sweetly emotional tears into the satiated skin of my lover, but I didn’t cry. I didn’t even smile. This joy was too deep even for smiles, as we lay together in a sweaty tangle of lax limbs.
As our thundering heartbeats slowed, our bodies so close I could feel his heart beat against my cheek and he could probably feel mine, he asked, ‘Are you okay, Emer?’
I kissed his shoulder, a slow movement of my mouth over his skin. ‘Better than I’ve ever been.’
And it was true. My flesh was still shocking lightly around his in a lingering of pleasure even my books hadn’t described. The sudden clenching made his fingers dig into my skin for a moment.
‘I love you, Emer.’ He sought a kiss, soft and deep. ‘Emer, Emer.’ I’d never dreamed that I’d hear my name spoken like that, so warm, so rich, as though it were a delight to simply speak it. ‘Emer, I want you forever, forever, like this. And the rest of the world to never interfere, just you and me like this, forever.’
I laid my head against his shoulder, another shock rippling through the pair of us as I moved. I sighed and sent a magic wind sighing around the room to blow out the lamps. It was already night outside. His arms banded around me in the sudden darkness. I caressed his arms, tangled my fingers in the sprinkling of hair on his chest.
‘Don’t think about the rest of the world,’ I urged. ‘Right now, it’s just you and me. No one else. You’re all mine and I’m yours.’
This time I felt the shock approaching within me and timed it to a caress. He groaned, tilting his head back. I ran my tongue along the taut line of his throat and he arched further under my touch.
‘I was afraid of this,’ he muttered.
‘Afraid?’ I pulled back a little. His eyes maybe rolled back in his head a bit. His hips moved restlessly and he began to harden inside me again. The feeling of him swelling within me made me gasp. It was all I could do to remember that we’d been speaking at all. ‘Afraid of what?’ It sounded breathy and soft instead of demanding, but it was the best I could manage.
&
nbsp; ‘When we were together on the ship, I knew I was falling for you.’ His voice was strained, his hands tight on my hips. ‘I knew I was close to letting you in and it scared me. So, I convinced Gwydion to ride away, that day I left you, when we arrived in Ce’Branna. It wasn’t an afterthought. I planned it. I forced Gwydion into it, he didn’t want to. Even I didn’t want to. I was afraid because I wanted you so much. I knew we’d end up here and I was afraid.’
I sat up a little. This time, his eyes definitely rolled back in his head. The air left his chest on a deep groan. I ran my hand down his body, all the way to where we were still joined and his body swelled even more inside mine. We both moaned. ‘Why were you afraid?’ I needed to know, even now, when I wanted to move on him so much. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t move, not until I knew.
I should have known Andras wouldn’t stand for that. He swung us around until I was beneath him, drew back and surged forward in a shattering thrust that drew a ragged cry from my lips. I urged him on with hands and body. That was the end of the talking.
He fell asleep afterwards. I lay in his arms, not ready for sleep to overtake me yet. It wasn’t just that it had been a big day. So much had happened over the last few days and weeks and months, especially when you compared it to a whole lifetime of nothing much. It was a lot to process, and I knew I’d still be processing it for some time.
I wanted to stroke my hands over his skin again, but I didn’t want to wake him. It was so nice being held like this. His words echoed, not just in my ears, but in my heart. I wished that we could lie like this, together, forever.
But the world would intrude, inevitably. I could see it coming, as the moonlight shone through the window onto the floor, creeping across the carpet, then spilling over the bed. I sighed and kissed Andras’s shoulder, very gently so I wouldn’t wake him, and slipped out of the circle of his arm. There were voices outside the room.