Maddie sighed. “I asked Gabriel to stay out of the fight between his grandmother and me and he has, speaking to her whenever she’s called, but something happened yesterday. She must’ve said something pretty awful to him because he now refuses to speak to her.”
“What did she say?”
“He won’t tell me. He said he would not repeat her ‘crazy bullshit.’ I told him that I did not want him in the middle of this battle and he said he wasn’t in the middle of it, but totally on my side and always would be.”
“You’re a better person than me, querida,” Maria said softly, “because your mother’s calls will not be answered by any of us until she stops this.”
“I feel awful that all of you are stuck in the middle.”
“Why do you feel awful? You are not the one who has put us all in this position. You are not the one trying to control our lives and tell us what to think and how to feel.” Maria moved closer, placing a soft hand on Maddie’s arm. “Have you talked to Julia?”
Maddie bit her lip, trying to stave off the impending tears. “No, I can’t, not yet. Everything is such a mess. She doesn’t deserve to be in the middle of this, either. Maybe in a week or two when I get my shit together.”
“Don’t wait until it’s too late. You deserve to be happy.”
Maddie swallowed, wondering if it was already too late.
◆◆◆
Julia had expected to miss Maddie, had expected to feel bad about how they had left things, but she hadn’t expected this painful longing. She expected to hear from Maddie on each day, convinced that she would get a call or a text. When the end of each day proved her wrong, her nights became long and lonely, second-guessing herself for giving Maddie an ultimatum.
Julia also spent too much time doubting Maddie’s feelings for her and trying to decide if this thing between them had been much more serious for her than it had been for Maddie. She was afraid that she had assumed too much about Maddie’s feelings for her, had read too much into Maddie’s behavior, her loving concern, the incredible way that they had made love. Like Deb had suggested, maybe it meant something to Maddie, but it had meant everything to Julia.
Julia was aware that she was not handling this as well as she should, but she had no point of reference for what had happened with Maddie, because she had no point of reference for the feelings she had for Maddie. She knew that the glass or two of wine she was having on those evenings when she could not quiet her frenzied mind were not helping her to sleep, but that did not stop her from indulging. She was mortified when she noticed the worried glances between Vivienne and Eleanor so she tried to limit her drinking in front of them.
By the second week, Julia was convinced that she had permanently pushed Maddie away with her insistence that she tell her family. That conviction brought out incredible anger at herself and at Maddie, as well, and she did not quite know how to find her way out of all that negative emotion. The secret nightly glass or two of wine were gradually upgraded to vodka martinis since she was not sleeping well.
That second Saturday night found her sitting alone on her deck since Norie was spending the weekend with her father. She quickly lost track of the number of martinis she slowly sipped as she mentally reviewed every moment with Maddie, every touch, and every word. Of course, she hadn’t planned on getting quite that drunk, but by the time Vivienne stopped by to check on her, it was after midnight. She was still out on the deck, as intoxicated as she could ever remember being.
“Mom, what are you doing out here?” Julia wondered why Vivienne was talking so loudly and why she seemed to be upset.
“What’s the matter?” Julia asked, vaguely aware that her voice was slurring. “You okay, baby?”
“Are you okay?” Vivienne was in front of her, her hands on her hips. “Jesus, Mom, you’re drunk,” Vivienne said.
“So? I can be drunk in my own damn house,” Julia said defiantly, angry that her word sounded thick to her own ears.
Vivienne smiled at her mother’s display. “Oh my God, should I make you some coffee?”
“No coffee, I’m going to bed,” Julia said as she lurched to her feet, not realizing that she was seriously swaying until Vivienne clutched her around the waist and helped her back down into the chaise. When her head finally stopped spinning, Vivienne was sitting beside her, placing a large mug of coffee in her hands.
“Drink this,” Vivienne said sternly.
“Don’t talk to me that way,” Julia asked.
Vivienne shook her head. “Then don’t make me.”
Julia smiled when Deb suddenly appeared, strolling onto the deck from the darkness of the back lawn with a small smile on her face. “Deb, hi. Hey, you wanna a martini?”
“No, she doesn’t want a martini,” Vivienne said.
“She likes tequila, get her some tequila,” Julia said to Vivienne.
Deb laughed lightly and looked at Vivienne. “Okay, you’re right. I’ve never seen her this wasted.” Deb sat on the other side of Julia and rubbed her back. “No tequila for me, hon, but thanks. How are you doing?”
Julia thought about how she was doing and realized she was crying as Deb and Vivienne each clutched an arm and pulled her up to her feet. They walked her into the house and Julia had no recollection of much of anything after that.
When Julia woke the next morning, she felt sick, her head throbbing painfully. She gratefully drank the water and managed to keep down the painkillers she found beside her bed. She could not remember how she had gotten into bed or why she was wearing a satin nightgown that she’d forgotten she even still owned. She realized that someone had helped her dress for bed, and she was mortified as bits and pieces of the night before started to return. She waited for her head and her stomach to settle somewhat before she took a shower and dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.
When she shuffled into her kitchen, she was surprised to find Vivienne and Deb at her kitchen island, drinking coffee and watching her closely. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry.” She cringed at the roughness of her own voice. “Did you two spend the night here?”
She noticed the long glance between them before Deb smiled at her. “Yeah, we did. We were worried about you.”
Julia slumped onto the bar stool near Deb and moaned as she rested her head in her hands as Deb placed a mug of coffee in front of her. “It won’t happen again.”
“Mom, it can’t happen again. You were here alone. You couldn’t even walk. You could’ve fallen and hurt yourself.”
Vivienne was on the verge of tears and Julia felt awful that she had upset her daughter so much. “I know. I promise I won’t drink alone anymore.”
“I think you should stop drinking altogether for at least a week.” Vivienne stared down her mother. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed the number of bottles in the recycle bin.”
Julia nodded. “Okay, that’s probably a good idea.” Julia looked at her daughter. “I’m so sorry, baby. Did you put me to bed?”
“With Deb’s help,” Vivienne said.
Julia groaned as she put her head down on her arms. “I’m so embarrassed.”
Deb nudged her. “C’mon, drink your coffee.” Julia picked up her head and brought the mug to her lips, sipping slowly. “Don’t be embarrassed, Julia,” Deb said with a smile. “It’s not like I didn’t already know you were built like a brick shithouse.”
Deb winked, Vivienne laughed and Julia shook her head, moaning loudly. “I can’t believe you just said that.”
“You’re welcome,” Deb said before her smile faded. “Seriously, hon, why didn’t you just call me?”
Julia sighed. “Because I’m so tired of this and so tired of me like this. I figured you must be, too.”
Deb smiled. “Not even close. Besides, how many nights did you sit with me when I was sick and scared?”
Julia nodded, reaching for her hand. “Okay, I’ll call next time I get the urge to do this to myself.”
Deb squeezed her hand. “Listen to me, hon. If you and Ma
ddie are meant to be, it will work out, and if it’s not meant to be, there’s probably a good reason for that.”
Julia nodded, trying hard to hang onto Deb’s words.
◆◆◆
Julia stared at the computer screen in her office and sighed. She leaned forward on her elbows and rubbed her face. She could not concentrate once again and was losing patience with herself. This inability to focus was frustrating, but it was a far sight better than the drunken and heartbroken stupor she had been in over the last few weeks. Julia shook her head and pushed her chair back, walking over to the windows in the conference room. She watched the boats in the harbor and let her mind wander.
Julia still hadn’t heard from Maddie and that hurt more than she had expected it to. She missed Maddie with an intensity that sometimes took her breath away, but the hurt settled inside her, like an unshakeable illness, like a vast emptiness. She hadn’t felt this void of hope when she was fighting breast cancer.
As it was now, she was in no less pain or turmoil, but had simply started to become resigned to the situation. Julia was still holding onto a tiny sliver of hope that Maddie was simply taking the time that Julia had insisted that she take. That hope was greatly overshadowed by the growing acceptance that she would most likely never see Maddie again. Julia knew that she could simply end all of this painful uncertainty by simply calling or texting Maddie, but she was afraid to do that. If Maddie actually declined her call or told her that it was over, she would have no hope to hold onto and she couldn’t take that risk.
One of Julia’s hard and fast rules was to keep her expectations within reason so she wouldn’t be constantly disappointed, but she now wondered what she believed anymore. Julia had admitted to Deb that she was finding it difficult to know what to consider a reasonable expectation because simple disappointment did not even begin to scratch the surface of what she was feeling.
Regardless of her state of mind, Julia had made sure to spend time with her daughters and worked diligently at her business to keep herself occupied. She managed to make a good deal of money, but felt no joy or pride in it. She was finding it hard to find enjoyment in anything, so when Deb had suggested that she and Vivienne quit work early on Friday to take advantage of the glorious weather, she had readily agreed. They were all meeting for lunch and Julia wanted nothing more than a cocktail, pleasant conversation and an afternoon free from responsibility. Deb and her daughters had been her saving grace these past few weeks and she was grateful for them.
Julia sighed and decided to call it a day, closing down her office computer. She knew she would be early to meet Vivienne and Deb, but it was a beautiful day and she could simply take the time to try to enjoy it. It would give her some time to clear her mind and try to think of positive things. Julia was determined to keep a brave front even though she could now readily admit that Maddie had broken her heart, and for the second time. Julia inhaled deeply when she thought of the impossible demand she had made of Maddie and wondered if she might have broken Maddie’s heart as well.
◆◆◆
Maddie glanced down at what she thought of as her dressy watch as she walked away from her parked car. She felt slightly overdressed in her pencil skirt and pumps from her earlier appointment and she took her time since she had a few minutes to spare. She was trying to enjoy the sunshine and the cool breeze coming off the ocean in the town that Julia called home. Maddie found herself smiling because she realized how much she liked this quaint town and because she was having a relatively good day, especially when compared to the last few weeks’ worth of days.
Maddie inhaled deeply. In some ways, the last few weeks had been some of the worst of her life, but she was grateful to have been through them. She had decided to go to counseling, knowing she had many things to deal with, but wanting most of all to keep moving ahead. She thought of the quote that she had repeated like a mantra to herself over the last few weeks. Not all storms come to disrupt your life; some come to clear your path. She knew this to be true because the experience of the last few weeks had left her feeling like a completely different person with a much clearer path. She hoped she was finally becoming the person that she was meant to be even though that had come with a cost.
Maddie’s father had unexpectedly appeared at Maddie’s workplace on the second week of the siege and taken her to lunch. Maddie had cried when she had seen him in the lobby of her building and he had immediately apologized to her. He told her to give her mother time to get over the fact that not everything could be the way she wanted it to be. That actually made Maddie angry and she thought about how Julia had once described her as politely defiant. That gave her the courage to tell her father clearly that they would no longer have a daughter if her mother could not get over it. Her father had looked surprised, but had nodded in agreement and told Maddie he loved her. In that moment, Maddie knew she had to stay strong to have the life she had always wanted.
As day after day passed, Maddie could clearly see how she had allowed her mother to dictate her life and hold her back from so many of the things she wanted. She also knew, without a doubt, that the thing that she wanted most of all was Julia Sinclair, but she did not know if she would ever get another chance to show her that.
She missed Julia more than she knew she could miss anyone. She longed to simply hear Julia’s voice, to see her smile, and to hold her. Maddie did not realize that Julia had become so important to her until she no longer had her. Maddie’s sorrow had become a constant companion.
Knowing that Julia was almost certainly nearby was weighing heavily on Maddie’s mind as she walked along the busy waterfront. It was so very tempting to simply go to Julia’s home or office right now, but she was almost afraid to do that. She and Julia had had no contact in nearly a month. Maddie was taking the time that Julia told her to take. She did not realize that it would be this long, but she decided that a little more time would make no difference at this point. She needed to get all her ducks in a row before she offered herself to Julia. She hoped that Julia could forgive her and give her another chance. She hoped she could forgive Julia for letting her go so easily.
Maddie arrived at Ishmael’s and walked up the steps to the raised outdoor seating deck. Maddie had picked this restaurant because she knew that Gabriel would enjoy the view of the harbor and the fishing boats on the working waterfront. She spotted her son waiting for her at the outdoor host station and she smiled widely at him. She didn’t know what she would have done without him these last few weeks.
Gabriel hugged her unexpectedly. “What’s this for?” She asked as she returned the hug.
She felt him shrug against her. “It’s good to see you smiling. Good day?”
She smiled at him. “Yes, finally, a good day. Are you hungry?”
“C’mon, Ma, always.”
Maddie was smiling at her son as they followed the host to their table. She was just about to sit down when a flash of movement in her peripheral vision caused her to glance quickly over to her left. She froze in place when she saw Julia rising to her feet at a nearby table to stare openly at her.
Maddie gasped. “Julia.”
Gabriel stopped and turned to look at the woman that had captured his mother’s attention. “That’s Julia?”
“Yes.”
Maddie thought Julia looked like a vision, even dressed casually in khakis and an untucked button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. She looked so beautiful with the ocean breeze blowing strands of her hair away from her face. She was as still as a statue for a long moment and Maddie suspected that Julia was waiting for her to do or say something, but Maddie was paralyzed, unsure of Julia’s feelings at seeing her, until she met her gaze.
Julia looked as if she was about to cry, her lower lip trembling and Maddie could not help but take a step forward, smiling at her in encouragement. She saw Julia inhale deeply before she returned the smile. Maddie moved toward Julia, with Julia doing the same until they walked into each other’s arms, holding each ot
her tightly for a long moment.
“Jule, querida, it’s so good to see you,” Maddie whispered, not wanting to let her go and embarrassed at the tears that had quickly spilled over her lashes. Maddie hung on, reveling in the familiar scent of her, the wonderful softness, the feeling of acceptance and safety that she always felt with Julia.
“Maddie, God, Maddie,” Julia whispered back, her voice breaking.
Maddie finally pulled away to look at Julia, noticing her tears. She wiped Julia’s face as Julia wiped hers, and they laughed, still keeping physical contact, Julia clinging to her arm and Maddie’s hand at her waist. Maddie was somewhat surprised, but very relieved at Julia’s warm welcome. Julia looked tired, but seemed more than happy to see her.
Maddie glanced over to the table Julia had been sitting at and noticed an attractive woman watching them intently. Her skin was the color of light coffee and her black, shiny hair was pulled back from her face with a colorful headband. Maddie lowered her gaze in embarrassment as if the woman could see the sharp and unexpected pang of jealousy she suddenly felt when she realized that Julia was having lunch with another woman. A very attractive woman.
“I’ll let you get back to your…date. I’m here with Gabe,” Maddie said softly.
Julia looked past Maddie and smiled. “Yes, I can see that. He’s so handsome.”
“Thank you,” Maddie whispered.
Maddie saw Julia’s daughter, Vivienne, approaching the woman Julia had been sitting with and she watched as Vivienne looked over and recognized her. Vivienne’s eyes widened at the sight of Maddie and her mother clinging loosely to each other.
“Christ on a raft, that’s Maddie,” Vivienne said, loudly enough for her voice to carry over to them on the breeze.
Maddie couldn't help but smile at the surprised outburst. “Christ on a raft, there’s Vivienne,” she said, quietly enough for only Julia to hear.
Chapter 15
Something or Everything Page 14