by Susie Tate
“Right,” he said, drawing the word out in a way that stated she was not fooling anyone. “Did you eat breakfast today?”
*****
Mia
I looked into Heath’s kind, concerned eyes and I felt tired. So, so tired of all the lies. I thought of my jar of peanut butter and the loaf of bread in my backpack and the fact I hadn’t eaten anything other than that for the last three days.
“I … skipped breakfast,” I told him. “Look, this is all a big fuss about nothing. I’m sorry for wasting your time. I’ll just get back to work, okay?”
I could see people had started to filter into the building now, all of them pausing to stare into the office until they were dismissed by a fierce scowl from Max. Having been the recipient of many of Max’s scowls I could understand why his employees scattered so quickly. A glance at the clock showed it was after nine. Bloody hell, how long had I been asleep on this sofa?
Heath was staring at me, something working behind his eyes that I couldn’t put my finger on. Max had crossed his arms over his chest and turned his scowl on me now. Wonderful. The last time I had showered was two days ago when I’d managed to sneak into the gym in the leisure centre down the road. Since dying my hair that god-awful colour it looked dull and grim even at the best of times, but unwashed it was even worse.
My mind flashed back to a time when my make-up was perfect, always. My hair used to fall in the styled, glossy waves that Nate preferred. Ponytails had annoyed him, and the one time I had had more than an inch chopped off he’d gone ballistic. After that I’d learned to keep it long and down at all times. It used to take me an hour and half every day to get ready. Cutting it all off had been one of the most freeing experiences of my life. Hair should be a woman’s pride and joy, her crowning glory. But to me, it was just another weakness to be exploited. My scalp still tingled from the remembered pain.
I would never have long hair again.
But, as these two men stared down at me, I found that there was still a small spark of feminine pride that mourned the fact I looked about as far from an attractive woman as you could get. Which was ridiculous. The last thing I needed was any male attention. In fact, I’d sworn to myself that whatever happened I would never allow myself to be involved with another man. I’d learnt the hard way that you couldn’t trust them. They used their size and their strength to bully and control. It just wasn’t worth it. Maybe if an extremely short, skinny, infinitely kind, totally harmless guy crossed my path I would consider it in a few years. Maybe.
“I think you should take the rest of the day off,” Heath said. “Get some proper food into you and rest.”
My eyes widened as I glanced out at grey sky beyond the office and the drops of rain streaming down the windows. I started shaking my head, so hard that my short hair fell into my eyes and I had to push it back behind my ears. It was time to attack it again with the kitchen scissors I had in my backpack.
“Please, please no,” I begged. I hated begging, hated sounding so fucking weak. But I couldn’t go out into the cold again. Not yet. “I’m fine now, really. I have a ton of stuff to do today. We’ve just had an upgrade on the system for BIM and they’ll need me.” I turned to Max in my desperation and his scowl morphed into a bemused expression. “You’ll need me here. Look, I’ll have a cup of sweet tea and a couple of digestives and I’ll be right as rain. It was stupid to walk this morning but I just didn’t think. I-I-I won’t do it again.”
Heath’s eyes had narrowed and Max still looked confused. I’d reassured Heath repeatedly the other day that I was no longer in my … situation. I’d promised him. Now I could see that it looked as though I didn’t want to go home. That I was scared to go home. What Heath didn’t know was that there was no longer a home for me to even go to. But in two weeks that would change. And tonight I’d make it to the shelter in time to get a space.
“Is everything ok in here?” Verity flung open the door and our eyes swung to her. “What’s going on? Brother dearest, you know I love you but why are you here so early? Max, we’ve got to leave in ten. Are you ready?”
I knew an opportunity when I saw one and I was going to take it.
“Sorry Verity, it’s my fault I … I felt unwell and Max overreacted.”
Max swivelled and pinned me with a furious look. Hmm, maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words.
“I did not overreact,” he bit out, moving to block my escape path from the office, but I was too fast for him. “I–”
“Anyway,” I said, forcing a bright tone and even managing a smile for Verity. “Good luck today. Although, I know you won’t need it.’
“Well, not with the improvements on the 3D modelling you managed to knock up for the presentation we won’t,” Verity said. “Mia, I’ve never seen anything like it. As long as I can stop this one unleashing his unique brand of northern tosspot I’m pretty sure we’ve got it in the bag.”
I’d noticed that, while Max oversaw a lot of the design side of the business, Verity was the one who dealt with clients. Apparently there had been “incidents” which had cost them some pretty big fish in the early days. It seemed that if Max thought an idea was stupid he tended to let the client know … to their faces, with swear words on occasion. So now Verity said she tried to minimise his face time with people they wanted to do business with. Although, when it was a big presentation and they were bidding for a job like this one, both of them had to go. Max’s suit fitted him to perfection. With shoulders that broad it must have been tailored to his exact dimensions. Objectively he looked stunning. However, the way he shifted in his shoes and pulled at his collar gave the impression of a big, beautiful, grizzly bear forced into a fancy suit and not being at all happy about it.
“I’ll leave you to it then,” I said, sliding further towards the door.
“Mia – ” Max called, but I didn’t look back. I could hear Verity telling him to get his arse in gear. Heath followed me though – right back to my terminal at the back of the office. I had a sixth sense for when I was being followed now – part of my well-honed survival instinct.
“Thank you,” I mumbled at the screen as I fired up my computer, feeling him looming over me but managing not to shrink into my chair.
“Mia,” Heath said softly. “If you need anything. If you need help of any kind. Like I said the other day I can put you in touch with some– ”
“I’m good, fine, great.”
Heath sighed then lowered his voice.
“I could talk to Max and Verity. They would help you, you know. If you needed some – ”
“I’m fine,” I repeated, somehow managing to add some steel into my tone. “Do not discuss what you know about me to my employers. Even I know that that would break patient confidentiality. I might be weak, but I’m not stupid.”
“I never said you were weak, Mia,” Heath said in a quiet voice. He rested his hand on my shoulder for a second, but removed it when I flinched away.
“You’re still not moving your arm properly.”
My mouth tightened but I ignored Heath and carried on logging into the system. The number he’d given me for the physiotherapy department was still in my back pocket. But I’d realised that to book an appointment they’d probably need an address and other details – stuff I didn’t have. So I hadn’t rung them.
“The longer you leave it the more likely you are to lose function. Listen, I know one of the upper limb physios. She can see you … this week even.”
“I can’t– ”
“I’ll book it in and let you know the time.”
My fingers paused over the keyboard and I blinked. “Really?”
“Yes. Look, give me your number and I can let you know when and where.”
I closed my eyes and felt my chest tighten. After I gave Heath my new mobile number I forced myself to make eye contact with him.
“Thank you,” I repeated, only this time it wasn’t a whisper. This time I made sure he would know just how much this kindness m
eant to me. He nodded, but just as he was leaving he turned back to me.
“Why were you so cold this morning, Mia? What happened?” he asked in a low tone so that none of the other desks would be able to overhear. I looked back at my screen again and remained silent. After a long minute I felt him move away but I didn’t look up.
Chapter 6
Some men did know how to apologise
Max
I stared at the blank screen and I tried to hold onto my temper. I really did try. But the bastard system had lost my presentation. I’d opened up my computer, and the file just simply wasn’t on my desktop. Hours of my life had been spent on that thing and now I’d spent another bloody half hour trying to find it.
Maybe if I hadn’t already been in a foul mood I would have been able to remain calm. But last night Teddy had come home late again after ignoring my texts and phone calls. The only explanation I seemed to be entitled to, when he finally did arrive home, was a short grunt and an eye roll. It was like I was running a sub-standard hotel, which Ted was less than impressed with, but did deign to stay in at night. I couldn’t even complain that Ted’s grades were slipping: the bloody kid had an IQ through the roof, and sailed through all the exams, completing coursework in front of the telly that would take other students hours of concentration. They only things he struggled with were the computer science assignments, and unfortunately I wasn’t very much help there.
I knew I wasn’t perfect, but I didn’t think I deserved the distain Ted threw my way on a daily basis now.
And then there was Mia. I’d barely seen her since her near-collapse with hypothermia. I couldn’t sleep remembering how cold her hands had been. All I wanted to know was if she was okay, but she dodged me at every turn and barely gave me more than one word answers. It was beginning to piss me off.
“Where is she?” I growled as I flung open Verity’s door and stalked into her office.
“Well, good morning to you too, Max,” V said, sending an apologetic smile across to the junior architect sitting opposite her, looking like a scared rabbit. I put my hands on my hips and scowled down at V.
“I told you we didn’t need that bleeding system upgrade,” I said, my voice rising with my anger. “Now I’ve got owt for all the work I’ve done in the last two days. It’s disappeared into the ether.”
“I’ll just …” the junior was standing next to his chair now and had started sidling out of the room. “See you later Verity, Mr Hardcastle.”
I sent the guy a dirty look, which had him moving faster towards the door.
“Max, please, please stop acting like a total wanker with the support staff. You do realise where we get these people from don’t you? They’re not complete fuckwits I’ve dragged in off the streets. Most of them graduated with firsts from some of the most prestigious architecture schools in the country. A lot of them were prizewinners. There’s a whole sea of talent out there and all you can do is scowl at them. You terrify them when you should be inspiring them. Young architects don’t come here to work with me you know – it’s your work they’ve seen, you they look up to and want to emulate.”
“That’s bullshit,” I grumbled. “And I am nice, goddamn it.”
Verity raised her eyebrows at that blatant lie and I rolled my eyes.
“This is beside the point. I want to know where this bloody technical genius you’ve forced into my company is so she can explain to me where the fuck my presentation has disappeared to. She avoids me like the plague.”
“She doesn’t avoid you. I think she’s just wary since you overreacted the other day to – ”
“I did not overreact!” I thundered at Verity who just crossed her arms over her chest and raised one eyebrow in response.
“Keep your voice down, you overgrown gorilla.” Her calm tone spiked my anger even higher. “Firstly it’s our company, not your company. I know you’re the creative wonder, but you would not have any clients for whom to build your amazing structures if it wasn’t for me and you know it.”
I deflated and looked at my shoes.
“Sorry, V,” I mumbled.
She sighed. “Now, what is the problem?’
“The problem is that an unnecessary upgrade was done to the system by an unnecessary and redundant member of staff that you employed, and who I can’t find because she’s hiding from me … in an office made up entirely of glass! I mean, how is that even possible?”
A throat cleared from the door of Verity’s office, and I spun around to see Mia standing at the threshold. For a moment I felt a little sick. I hadn’t wanted her to actually overhear me calling her redundant and unnecessary but I pushed that aside as my annoyance bubbled to the surface.
“Finally,” I said, throwing my hands up in the air. She took a rapid step back, which only served to irritate me more. “Stop edging away from me every time I even look at you.” The familiar wide-eyed, fearful expression on her face melted into one that looked a whole lot like anger. Her cheeks flooded with more colour than I’d ever seen in them before, and her fists bunched at her sides.
“M-m-maybe …” she stopped for a moment and shook her head as if irritated by her stutter. “Maybe,” she continued in a stronger tone, one I had never heard from her before, “if you treated me with some respect. Maybe if you didn’t sh-sh-shout and throw your weight around like a … a massive toddler. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to try to avoid you, and maybe then I could have explained how easy it is to find files in the new system I’ve set up. Which, by the way, has already increased productivity and wifi speed by thirty percent.” By the end of her little speech she was breathing so fast her nostrils were flaring, and her hands had clenched into such tight fists that her knuckles were white. “Follow me,” she snapped and stalked out of Verity’s office and across to mine.
*****
Mia
What had come over me? As I marched across the office space I could feel the blood pounding in my head and the adrenaline surging through my body. Had I really shouted at Max? Had I really called him a massive toddler? I was shaking as I sat down at his computer and brought his screen to life.
“Everything is in this folder. The one labelled ‘Max’s stuff”,” I said, slicing Max and Verity, both of whom had followed me over here, a look as they stood in the doorway.
“You’re such a frightful dullard, Max,” Verity snapped as she swatted him on the arm. “Say sorry.”
Max shoved his hands deep into his pockets and scuffed his feet on the floor. Despite his size he looked like a reprimanded schoolboy again.
“Sorry,” he told his shoes. Verity nodded then swept out of the office, elbowing Max in the stomach on her way. I sighed, feeling all the adrenaline drain out of me and along with it my fighting spirit. That muttered apology was the best I could expect. In my experience men rarely apologised, so I should be grateful for what I got.
“I can set it up however you want,” I told him. Even though he was still blocking the exit I found that I didn’t feel any of the usual panic. Max might be grumpy and abrasive, but he was far from violent. He may have lacked charm, however I knew all too well that charm didn’t mean anything. Nate was one of the most charming men you could ever meet, but his capacity for violence and cruelty was off the charts.
Max cleared his throat and scuffed the floor again with his foot before looking up at me, his green eyes alight with something that looked a lot like regret.
“Mia, I really am sorry,” he said, and my mouth very nearly dropped open in shock. “I’ve been a proper dickhead. I have a temper and I’m an impatient son of a bitch but I shouldn’t have gone off the deep end like that.”
I blinked and then forced my mouth to close. Okay then, some men did know how to apologise.
“I, er … that’s okay,” I croaked out, my throat closing over. He nodded and moved to the side so I could slip out of his office. On my way past though he reached out and touched my arm to stop me, but this time it was him that flinched back as if the con
tact had burned him. He cleared his throat as I paused in the doorway. “Mia, about t’other day. You’ve been avoiding me, so I haven’t had the chance to ask but is there owt … ? I mean are you okay?”
The concern in his voice hit me in the gut, nearly winding me. I was really tempted to tell him that no, I was not okay – I was terrified, miserable and so very, very alone. But why would I trust a man who’d called me an emo freak, redundant and unnecessary, and scowled at me like I was an unwanted annoyance every time he’d caught my eye since I’d started working here?
“I’m fine,” I muttered, and heard him sigh.
“If you’re in owt trouble or anything I could … well we’d need to know about it, right?”
I felt in that moment that he had physically struck me. He’d made me believe he felt some concern. But it wasn’t concern for me that had him apologizing and asking if I was okay. It was concern that one of his employees might embarrass his bloody company. Of course, of course he didn’t give a shit about me. I tucked my hair behind my ears and set my jaw. Humiliation, my now familiar companion, rolled through me as I met his assessing gaze. I was well aware that I looked like a heroin addict – that my cheeks were too hollow and my eyes too haunted to be considered normal.
“I’m not going to harm your business,” I told him. “You don’t have to worry about me being a liability.”
That last bit was a lie. I could well prove to be a liability. But I was not going to reveal any of that.
“That’s not what I–”
Turning sharply on my heel I stalked away from him without hearing the rest of what he had to say. I didn’t breathe again until I had made it back to my desk.
Max
I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair as I watched her go. How had I managed to fuck that up again? Nothing I did was ever right with this woman. I had a perpetual case of Arsehole Syndrome around her. But she was hiding something. I knew it. If I was honest with myself though, if it was any other employee I would simply shrug off the nagging suspicion and get on with my life. But with Mia it was like I needed to know her secrets. Like I was compelled to find out everything about her. To the extent I’d poured over her employee file the other day, double checking her date of birth, as I still wasn’t sure she was as old as she claimed.