Unperfect

by Susie Tate

  Of course I liked that she looked at me that way. It made me feel fantastic – like a God among men. But then I would remember why she didn’t know that normal affection for your significant other wasn’t something to be dazzled by, that simple kindness and caring wasn’t the seventh wonder of the world. When I thought about that my blood would start to boil again and I’d have to squash it down or I’d be too angry to speak.

  I frowned down at the bags with Mia still in my arms.

  “How did you haul all that from shops?”

  “Oh, I got the bus.’

  “The bus … but there isn’t a bus stop anywhere near here. You must – ”

  “It’s only a ten minute walk, Max.”

  “Try twenty minutes and you’re carrying half a tonne of stuff. Why didn’t you call me?”

  Mia had been more confident about being out in public over the last month. More nights out to the Pig and Whistle, more lunches with Yaz and Verity. But strangely, as her watchfulness diminished, mine seemed to be ramping up.

  She rolled her eyes and then stood on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek. “I didn’t want to put you out. Anyway, I’m here now; so let me get set up. I want everything to be sorted by the time your parents get here.”

  I frowned down at her. “All this is for my parents? I told you we’d get a takeaway. They don’t expect me to cook.”

  She shrugged and looked away. “I know but I’m happy to and … well, it might help me make a good impression.” A flicker of worry flitted through her expression and her body tightened with anxiety. I sighed and rubbed her back.

  “You don’t have anything to worry about, love,” I told her, wishing I could absorb all her pent up insecurities and stress. She was getting there, she was slowly coming out of herself but there was still a long way to go. “My folks will love you.”

  I was regretting letting Mam and my stepdad pop down now. From the worry lines on Mia’s forehead I could see that what I viewed as an innocuous visit she saw as some kind of test.

  “Yaz, Teddy and Heath will be here too.”

  I had hoped that reminder would reassure her, but she was still going into herself – her features tightening with stress. The last thing I wanted was for her to cook. Not that her cooking wasn’t the dog’s bollocks, because it was. She’d cooked for us loads now, and although the food was incredible (lamb for me and Teddy last week, fried halloumi steaks when Yaz came over a few days ago), I still couldn’t enjoy it.

  Mia was a nervous cook. Too nervous.

  She measured ingredients as if her life depended on the exact quantities and bit her lip the whole time until it was nearly bleeding by the end. By the time she served up she was too stressed to eat any herself – picking at her food and glancing at our faces as we ate ours. It was unnerving. It had taken an hour of mindless telly after the last time for her to calm down and relax into my arms on the sofa. In my mind the stress of it all wasn’t worth it. But as she pushed away from me and started gathering up the bags with a look of determination on her face, I decided to let her do what she needed to do for now and pick up the pieces later.

  Not my best idea as it turned out.

  Mia

  “You’re not an architect, Mia?” Max’s mum, Fern, asked me, her green eyes, so like her son’s, lasering me across the table.

  “Er … no, I’m not exactly a creative person.”

  “So what do you in’t office?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.

  “I told you, Mam,” Max’s annoyed voice cut his mum off. “She works with computers.”

  “Oh, I see,” Fern said, her tone suggesting that she in fact did not see, at all.

  “It’s actually a really important role, Mam,” Yaz put in. “It’s made a tonne of difference to how Max’s company is run and how the projects are presented.”

  “Yaz. No offence, love – but you know absolutely bugger all about running a successful business or about computers.” Fern laughed as she took a sip of her wine. “My daughter is more into the sea, crystals and auras than anything grounded in reality. Not sure where she gets it from, but there we are.” Fern was a science teacher. She came across as an almost fiercely pragmatic lady. I’d learnt from Max that she got her teaching qualifications after leaving Max’s father. Aubrey, Max’s stepfather and Yaz’s father, was a GP. I liked him instantly. He had a quiet manner and kind, brown eyes, just like his daughter. Fern’s eyes were exactly the same shade of green as Max’s. It was a little unnerving having two sets of sharp, green, too-intelligent eyes focusing on you when you tried to answer a question.

  Yaz’s face was red as she looked down at her plate. Heath, not picking up on Yaz’s discomfort, let out his own chuckle.

  “Oh no, she’s into acupuncture as well now, aren’t you, Midge?” he said and she gave him a forced half-smile and small nod. Any hint of acknowledgement from Heath seemed to light Yaz up like a set of Christmas lights. It was almost painful to witness. Then he went on, “You do know that acupuncture has been proven now not to work according to the usual standards of medicine.”

  “That study was flawed,” Yaz mumbled into her food. “And benefits are difficult to measure so–”

  “How on earth would you know if a scientific study is floored or not, love? You’ve never looked at one in your life.” Fern said, laughing again. It didn’t seem like she was being deliberately cruel – but just treating Yaz like a child who’s just a little bit dim and needs things explained to her.

  “That’s not–” Yaz began, but Max cut her off. “Can we not talk about science and medicine at the table for once.”

  “This is great, Mia,” Teddy said on a near shout, shocking everyone at the table into silence. I blinked at the unexpected compliment – praise in any form was a rare event with Teddy. When I looked over at Teddy I could see him scowling at Max’s parents. Whether it was in Yaz’s defence or mine I wasn’t sure, but it did surprise me. From the moment they arrived it was obvious that Fern and Aubrey doted on Teddy.

  “Thank you, Teddy,” I said just above a whisper. Those eyes all came to me again and I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. It was frustrating that I found this so difficult, that I couldn’t relax, but Max’s parents were too intimidating for that.

  “Yes, thank you, Mia,” Fern said, giving me a stiff smile. “Such an interesting way to treat an aubergine.” I wasn’t an idiot. Interesting did not equate to good. “How long have you been a vegetarian?”

  “Er … I’m not a vegetarian,” I said, shooting a confused glance at Yaz. The reason I’d cooked this menu was because Yaz was vegan. Surely her parents knew this?

  “Mia cooked it for me, Mam,” Yaz muttered into her food.

  Fern rolled her eyes and Aubrey chuckled. “Oh that’s right in’t it, love,” he said through his amusement. “Hard to keep up with these fads of yours.”

  “I’ve been vegan for ten years, Dad,” Yaz said. She was gripping her fork so tightly now that her knuckles were white. I’d been silent all meal but I couldn’t just let these comments go by. Not when I could see how hurt and embarrassed Yaz was in front of Heath.

  “A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that vegans have substantially lower death rates than meat eaters. You know, er …” I cleared my throat, suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable with being the focus of the table, “… since you like research papers so much. Also, um, eating a vegan diet could be the single biggest way to reduce your environmental impact on earth. Which is also good since we only have twelve years to reverse global warming so … er, there’s that as well.” I caught Yaz’s eye and she smiled at me. Max grabbed my hand under the table and gave it a squeeze.

  “Good points, Mia,” said Aubrey, giving me an encouraging smile, no doubt pleased that I did in fact possess the power of speech. Fern’s mouth was pressed into a thin line, but she did manage to give me a tight, close-lipped smile of her own. I felt a trickle of sweat down my back just as the smell of burning wafted fr
om the kitchen. My eyes flew wide and my back shot straight as the panic set in. Amid all the Yaz bashing I’d forgotten about the pies in the oven. And goddamn it there was a meat one as well as a vegan one, but now they were all likely ruined. I pushed my chair back from the table in a sudden move that almost had it toppling over and then I ran to the oven to turn it off. When I flung open the door a small amount of smoke came out and I could see the burnt edges of both of the pies.

  “Shit,” I muttered under my breath as I pulled on oven gloves and grabbed the first pie out to dump it on the side. In my haste to grab the second pie it slipped and burnt my forearm before I could put it down.

  “Ow, bugger,” I muttered as I inspected my forearm, but the smell of burning distracted me from my pain so I pushed it to the back of my mind and went to work on the pies to see if they were salvageable. My heart was racing and sound around me started to become muffled. I could feel the panic closing in as I tried to scrape away the blackened edge of the pies, which I’d spent ages painstakingly preparing earlier. I’d wanted something ready to go that I could put in the oven and forget about, which is precisely what I’d bloody well done. My hand was shaking so badly now that it was difficult to keep hold of the knife I was using. My vision had become blurred with tears. Only the throbbing in my arm grounded me in reality.

  Chapter 31

  I have a surname

  Mia

  “Mia? Mia?” I could hear someone calling my name as if from very far away, but it wasn’t until his hands curled around my upper arms that I realised how close he was. That was when it happened – I cringed away from him and a small fearful noise made its way from the back of my throat.

  All I could process in that moment was that I was in a kitchen, I’d fucked up big time and a large man had me in his grasp. I knew this scenario. I’d been taught what to expect in this situation.

  “Mia?” He loosened his grip to turn me in his arms so he could look at me. On instinct my elbow flew back to connect with his face. He grunted and let go of me completely, giving me the opportunity to scuttle back from him until I came up against the fridge.

  “Baby, calm down,” Max was facing me now and talking in a soft voice. His hands were both held up in front of him, palms up. “Let me look at your arm, okay?” I shook my head violently. Adrenaline was still coursing through me. I swiped my eyes so that I could unblur my vision and search for the exit. That was when I registered that all the diners were now gathered in the kitchen behind the island. Teddy’s face had gone white.

  “Great elbow strike, Number Five,” he told me in an unsure voice, giving me a wobbly half smile. My eyes flew back to Max who was moving towards me very slowly. I shook my head again and held my hand up. I heard Yaz suck in a shocked breath and looked down to see the burn on my forearm had started to blister.

  “We’ve got to get that under water, Mia,” Heath’s calm, practical voice distracted me from Max. He had rounded the island and was focused on my arm. “I’m going to turn the cold tap on and I want you to move there now and hold your arm under it. We’ll give you space, honey. But I’m sorry you have to do that for me now or the burn will get worse.” Heath skirted around me quickly to turn on the tap.

  I blinked and everything started to come into more focus. Nobody was shouting at me. There was no anger in the kitchen, only concern and worry.

  “I-I’m sorry,” I stammered. “I don’t know what I was … I can’t even …’

  “Mia, please,” Max said in that soft voice again. “Please, love. Can you put your arm under the water for me? Okay?”

  I gave a short nod and felt heat rise to my face as I moved to the tap and put the burn under the cold water. I hissed as the searing pain, that I hadn’t even noticed until that moment, was relieved.

  “What’s wrong with her?” I heard Fern whisper to Yaz and the heat in my face intensified. Yaz shushed her. They moved out of the kitchen and there low voices talking in the hallway.

  “Mia?” Max’s voice again, still sounding unsure and a little shaken. “Can I touch you now?”

  My vision blurred with tears again and I gave a short nod, not able to look at his face. How could I have thought he would hurt me? How could I have lost sight for one minute of the kind of man he was, after all he’d been to me in the last few weeks? I hadn’t had a panic attack in ages. Why did it have to happen in front of Max’s parents? They must have thought I was crazy. Max’s hands came to my waist and slowly his arms encircled me until he was hugging me from behind as I held my arm under the water. The warmth of his body seeped to mine and the fine tremors in my hands gradually subsided.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, but he shushed me against my hair and kissed my temple.

  “You don’t have owt to be sorry for,” he told me, his voice so firm it was impossible not to believe him. “Mia, is there something about cooking and … well, about t’kitchen – something that upsets you? Because you know you don’t have to cook for me and my family. Just you being here is enough and I-”

  “Everything had to be perfect,” I whispered.

  “What, baby?” he replied, his tone confused. I turned to look up at his green eyes, alive with concern.

  “He was particularly fussy about meals. It was bad enough when it was just the two of us but when the Banks’ reputation was on the line – if he had clients or his friends over then …” I trailed off and closed my eyes, hoping to block out the painful memories but of course it had the opposite effect. It also meant that I didn’t see or notice Max’s eyes go wide at the name Banks or the way his entire frame locked in shock. “It was rarely violence,” my voice dropped to an even quieter whisper and Max had to dip his head to hear me. “But he was cruel … the things he said to me … I-” I took a deep breath in and ran my tongue over my incisors. “But once, with the guests still in the other room, he slammed me into the granite and I chipped my tooth.” When I opened my eyes Max was frowning down at my mouth. I tapped my second incisors with my free hand and gave a small shrug. “The tooth survived. It’s only a small chip from the bottom but I … ”

  “Oh Mia,” Max said in a tortured voice. “I’m so sorry, love. You should have said something. I would have never-”

  “I wanted to cook for you,” I told him, frustration leaking into my tone. “And I wanted to make a good impression on your parents.” I shook my head. “Never mind,” my voice was back to a whisper. “It doesn’t matter now.’

  “Mia, please. You don’t have to do owt to make a good impression.” At the back of my mind I was aware that more people had filed back into the kitchen, but there was something dark and painful building in my chest. Something I wasn’t fully in control of. “All I want is you here. It doesn’t matter if you can cook or –”

  “How about speaking, Max?” I said, pulling my arm out from under the stream of water and tearing away from Max to back up into the middle of the space. “How about functioning on some sort of normal level? How about not embarrassing you by behaving like a complete freak!”

  “Mia, stop this,” Max snapped, taking a step towards me, the concern still there in his eyes but also mixed with anger. The anger should have scared me, but that dark, painful feeling in my chest was swamping any fear I might have felt.

  “No, you stop it!” I shouted. My hands went into my hair and I pulled at it, nearly yanking it from the roots. “Stop with this. Stop with me. What’s the matter with you? How can you possibly … argh!” I scrubbed my hands down my face. Max made a move towards me but I held out my hand, warding him off. “Don’t you see it?” I shouted. “I’m damaged goods. You should be with someone good and brave and right and … clean.” My voice broke on the last word. “You shouldn’t have to settle for a coward who can’t even cook a meal without having a full-blown panic attack. Someone who hurts you. Someone who’s just a beaten down used up shell of a human.” I started sobbing openly now. “I-I hurt you.” I didn’t have the strength to ward Max off when he moved to me then. I was
tired of fighting. I let my body collapse into his and my tears soak into his shirt.

  “You are not coward,” he growled as his arms locked around me tight. “You’re the bravest woman I know. And you’re not a shell. What he did to you does not make you unclean – that’s his burden, that’s his cross to bear. Not yours. Never yours. You’re smart and kind and funny and intelligent and beautiful. You help my son with his schoolwork even when he’s being an obnoxious shit to you. You helped me with my business even when I was doing the same. I’m the one that doesn’t deserve you – not the other way around. And I hate to break it to you, but your elbow strike is still bit pathetic – you didn’t hurt me.”

  “There are loads of women out there with way less baggage than me. You could be with anyone you wanted. You could-”

  “Has it occurred to you that I’m not, Mia? Has it occurred to you that I’ve reached the age of thirty-six and I’m not with anyone else. I want to be with you.”

  I pulled back a little and blinked up at him. My mouth opened then shut. I was at a loss for words.

  “Right.” I startled in Max’s arms when Fern’s voice filled the kitchen as she marched over to us. Her face was a little red and her eyes were bright. She drew to a stop next to the kitchen island brandishing a large first aid kit, which she slapped down on the granite. “Arm back under the water now, Mia,” she told me, bustling around to us and then reaching for my arm. Max moved back to let her through and I opened my mouth to speak, but then she took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze with one of hers whilst the other cupped my elbow to move my arm into the stream of the water. “Oh dear, that’ll need dressing alright,” she said, her tone going from bossy and clipped to gentle and soft when addressing me. When she raised her eyes from the burn to mine I saw that they were soft as well. “We’ll get you fixed up, pet,” she said, giving my hand another squeeze. I nodded and she turned to the rest of the room. “Aubrey!” she shouted, making me jump. “Don’t just stand about like a great lump – get the iodine and a burns dressing ready for Mia. Between you and Heath I’ll expect her to be made good as new.”