by Ian Woodhead
“Please don't do that, honey. It is rather annoying.”
Having uttered the barest minimum of reprimands, she plugged the earphones back in and returned to her tablet, obviously thinking those few words made her mum of the year. His eyes were too busy watching the road to check if those two exchanged secret smiles.
Several more pebbles joined the others. If this carried on, Gerald would have his own rock garden inside his ribcage.
Jesus Christ. What was wrong with the woman? Why could Laura not see how spoilt her only daughter was acting?
“Did you know that your bald patch has gone all red, Gerald? Looks dead weird, and funny. Kinda matches your fat hands.”
How was it even possible for his life to have gone from fairy dust and soft rainbows to soft, stinking shit in the space of two weeks? It could only happen to him, Mr. Unlucky. To think that he believed that his string of bad luck, granted, caused by poor judgement and poor choices, was finally over.
She walked into his life. This stunning woman, beautiful and intelligent. Adored the Beetles, had no issues with him collecting scale model rally cars and, to cap it off, had a libido which even he had trouble believing.
Gerald already knew she had a young girl from a previous relationship. Hell, Laura made sure that he was cool with that even before she took Gerald back to her house. Thing is, back in the beginning, they got on great. Tania was such a lovely little girl. Polite and well-behaved. Oh, she did have her moments, the odd mood and the occasional strop when she didn't get her own way but nothing drastic. He actually believed that this was it, his own ready-made family. As the days turned into weeks, that belief never wavered, so much so that Gerald asked Laura to be his wife. She said yes straight away. Her daughter on the other hand wasn't too keen. Fuck, that was the understatement of the century.
Like daughter like mother, they say? It was certainly true with those two. Although it would be another week before he witnessed the inferno under his bride-to-be’s skin, Gerald got a taster when, upon hearing the news, Tania had, what only could be described as 'a fucking meltdown'.
She kicked the back of his seat again. He didn't rise, instead he made a mental calculation and figured out he only had to put up with Laura's little bundle of joy for five years, maybe six. Tania might not even reach her eighteenth birthday before some poor bastard ended up getting the girl pregnant. Could he handle six years of low-level annoyance? He thought back to last night and the three hours of ecstasy and decided that he could indeed do the time. After all the shit that life had thrown at him ever since his mother died of cancer twenty-one years ago, surely nothing else could go wrong now.
“Look at that, Gerald. Another police car. I wonder what's going on.”
They were getting close to the town centre now, and the traffic had begun to slow down. He stopped behind the Beetle and followed her gaze. Sure enough, there was yet another police car by the side of the road. Unlike the others he'd passed, this one was empty. Gerald soon discovered why. Several cars in front of the Beetle was a roadblock, staffed by three police officers as well as a couple of soldiers.
The soldiers approached the first car and gestured to the occupant to wind their window down. Two police officers walked past them and did the same to a blue van. Gerald wound his own window down and stuck his head out, trying to get a better view.
“Can you see anything?”
He shook his head. “No more than I can looking through the windscreen,” replied Gerald. The car at the front of the queue turned right and vanished down a side street. He followed its progress as best he could, noticing more military personnel standing on the kerb. The blue transit soon followed the first car. The queue moved forward a few feet, giving Gerald a better view of the side street. There was yet another road block at the end, staffed by more police and soldiers. The only difference that he could make out was that the coppers over there were all decked out in body armour and carried assault weapons.
“I don't think we'll be going into town today,” he muttered. When the seat kicking started up again, Gerald realised he really should have kept his prediction to himself and let either the soldiers or the police explain the situation to her. Gerald gave his wife his best pleading look but he wasted it as she wasn't even looking in his direction.
The kicking continued.
The seat buckle unlatched. Gerald wound the window back up then spun around. “For crying out loud!” he shouted. “Stop booting my fucking seat!”
He felt the slap before he saw it. Laura then grabbed his thigh and dug her nails through the thin trouser fabric and into his flesh.
“I've told you before about berating my daughter.” Her voice stayed calm and flat. She might as well be discussing the weather. “I won't tell you again, Gerald. Do you understand?”
She removed her hand. He didn't need to see his skin to know she'd drawn blood. Gerald moved the car forward when another two cars were directed down the side street. He buckled himself in then wrapped his fingers tight around the wheel. His new wife and her daughter exchanged that smile. This time he saw it through the back mirror. A dozen thoughts screamed through his mind, all of them bad, all of them telling Gerald that meeting this woman and allowing her to get under his skin had been the worst decision that he had ever made.
The girl had stopped kicking the back of his seat. She now sat cross-legged, arms folded with a big smile across her face. When Tania noticed him looking through the mirror, she treated him to a big wink, followed by the middle finger. All he could do was to hang on to the steering wheel and hope the shakes would soon go.
“Please don't do that, Tania,” said her mother. “It's not very nice. Now, why don't you look out of your window. Can you see that hunky soldier heading this way, honey? I want best behaviour from you, while we find out what's going on.” Laura put her hand back on his thigh.
The shame he felt after involuntarily flinching at Laura's touch ran all the way down to the bone marrow. Gerald did his best to cover it up by coughing and pretending to jump but he knew full well that his crap theatrics didn't fool her.
“As for you, I don't care what rubbish is happening, we are going shopping in town.” The woman's eyes flicked to the side. “Don't look at me like that, Gerald. It's probably the tremors that caused one of the buildings to become unsafe, or something. The council got all over-protective when that woman and her pram almost fell down a crack.” An innocent smile suddenly appeared on her face and she pulled her top down an inch. “He's coming. Let's get this out of the way.”
Even after the trauma and the revelation of knowing he was trapped between these two manipulative females, Gerald couldn't help but to find one particular part of his anatomy stirring at the sight of that radiant smile.
A single tap on the side window made him jump for real. He pulled his gaze away from those magnificent mounds, wound the window down and looked up at the sour-faced soldier. “What's going on in there?”
“It's a gas leak, sir. I need you to take the next left and go back the way you came.”
After saying what he'd probably said to dozens of other motorists, the soldier took a step back, obviously thinking he'd made his instructions perfectly clear. Gerald felt her grip on his thigh tighten. Laura leaned across his knee and pushed her hand out of the window. He had spotted the soldier checking out his wife. He must have thought that Gerald had to be the luckiest bastard on the planet.
“Excuse me!” she shouted, waving him back. “We really need to go into town today. Are you really sure you can't let us through?”
He couldn't quite catch the soldier's reply. Gerald didn't need to. Her body had gone rigid. Somebody had the audacity to refuse her will. He quietly moaned, knowing full well that Laura was about to make a scene.
“You are going to do as you're fucking told. Stop grinning at me you small-dick faggot and lift that barrier before I come out there and kick your teeth in.”
He moved a couple of inches, showing Gerald exactly
what Laura stamping her foot had achieved. That was no gas leak. He'd served in the forces (Another bad choice) Gerald knew full well that some mild domestic emergency, or some random female screaming abuse at them would not make those lads so uneasy. He probably would have picked up the signals if he wasn't going through his own domestic emergency at the time. The soldier lifted his rifle a couple of inches. He saw fear in those eyes.
Gerald slapped her hand off the window, grabbed the woman by the shoulders and slammed her back into the seat.
“Get your fucking hands off me,” she spat.
“Do you want to get shot?” Gerald employed a similar calm and placid tone she had used on him a moment ago. It appeared to work, to a degree. “I know another route into town. I guarantee that there'll be no soldiers guarding it.” He quickly wound the window up, put the car in gear and followed the car that had been behind them down the side street, fully aware that the soldier continued to watch them, meaning whoever was behind this probably would not stop watching the car until it was safety away from the area.
He turned right after reaching the next roadblock, carried on driving for another half mile until Gerald passed a petrol station. All traffic on the other side leading into town had stopped and from here, it looked like the tailback stretched forever. He slowed down and turned into a side street. Gerald left the car and stretched his back while taking in a lungful of fume tainted air. He stayed still, hands on hips, with a painted smile while those two glared at him. It did occur to Gerald that he could solve all his problems by running away. Okay, so he'd lose the car and miss out on so much incredible sex but surely wasn't that a good enough price to pay to have his old, comfortable, boring life back?
Tania stuck her tongue out and he responded in kind. As he expected, the elder demon climbed out of her side, slammed the door shut then gave Gerald a look that could curdle fresh milk. He returned the glare, safe in the knowledge that his car was between them.
“What the hell are you playing at now, Gerald? Get your backside back in this fucking car right now!”
It felt so strange to hear her swearing. It kinda helped to cement what was planned for him if he didn't get as far away from these two as he could. Gerald also noticed that she used the same condescending tone as his stepmother used whenever she spoke his name. “We walk from here, Laura.”
“You can think again. I'm not walking anywhere.”
He shrugged. “Suit yourself. You can stay here with your demon spawn and sulk while I go into town.” Gerald kept the same placid gentle tone, even though he really did want to scream his head off. “You had better remind me what you wanted again. I seem to have forgotten.” The bristles vanished as quickly as they appeared. Her face, demeanour and attitude softened. He blinked a few times, unsure of how this woman had achieved such a remarkable transformation. Before his very eyes, his Mr. Hyde turned.
“I'm sorry, Gerald. I didn't mean to snap at you, it's just...” A single tear rolled down her cheek. “Well, you know how important prom night is for Tania, and Gracey's is the only shop around here that has what she wants.” Laura wiped her face and gave him a radiant smile. “Friends?”
Gerald faltered. Something important had just happened and it took a few moments for it to sink in. They had just set up their first relationship boundary. Was the woman still doing her best to manipulate him, to get Gerald to do her bidding? Sure she was but even Laura must have known that she'd pushed him too far. He walked a little closer to the car, pausing before reaching for the door. He wanted to gaze upon that angelic face for another moment before hitting her with the hard truth.
“I wasn't lying about having to walk, Laura. The only way in now is through a narrow stone alley.” Gerald stayed silent about the authorities clocking the car registration plate. Gerald saw the coldness descending and held out his hand as well as his best warm smile.
“Fine,” she replied. “Have it your way.”
Laura opened the passenger door and unbuckled her daughter. Her icy demeanour hadn't shifted but the woman was at least doing as he asked. Perhaps he didn't need to run away after all? Laura took his hand. She squeezed a little too hard and showed him her perfect teeth. Okay, so he had to face the fact that Gerald had married a demon and those milky slabs could quite easily bite off his nose but on the other hand, he had experienced what pleasures that mouth could give.
“Bite the bullet,” he whispered.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Come on, lovely ladies. It's just over the road.” Gerald pulled them across the empty street while looking both ways. Not for other cars but for signs of any more police and soldiers. It had occurred to him earlier on that entering the town centre was probably the stupidest thing he could ever do considering they still had no idea why they had set up the barriers.
Laura leaned over and kissed him on the side of the neck. “Isn't this exciting?” Her fingers tickled his inside thigh. “I can't tell you how hot this is making me feel, Gerald.”
He suppressed his grin. This wasn't stupid at all. It basically came down to working out which buttons to press to stop this highly-strung woman from turning his life into a waking nightmare. This situation wasn't going to happen every day, Gerald just needed to figure out something similar, a job or pastime which funnelled all of her anger and spite into sexual excitement. Paintball perhaps?
Perhaps not. Knowing Laura, she'd insist on using live ammunition and what would stop her from running away with some other younger, fitter, more handsome player? Nothing, he guessed, apart from that aforementioned imaginary love-rival would not put up with the strange and violent mother/daughter relationship that Gerald was still trying to wrap his head around.
He threaded them through the end of the alley and out into bright sunlight. Gerald had brought them into one of the many trader’s courtyards in town. Most of the public never knew these places even existed, especially since the council installed security gates on most of the entrances. As his company had won the contract, he knew where they all were. Gerald also remembered the back-door combination code programmed into every gate, which, in these circumstances, would come in handy.
“It smells funny.”
“This is where they dump all the rubbish, honey. That's to be expected.”
“I know that, mum,” replied Tania. “I'm not an idiot, you know. I mean it smells funny. It's really weird. I don't know, like hot muck or something.”
As much as he hated agreeing with the brat, she did have a point. There was a peculiar taint in the air. Hot dirt was the best description he could think of, too. That's not all either. Apart from his wife's laboured breathing, Gerald failed to detect any other sound. Strange, considering they weren't that far from the road. Why couldn't he hear the traffic?
The urge to run away travelled up his body and lodged itself in his throat, it even worked free and reached Gerald's brain stem when he spotted something else which had no place in this empty yard.
Resting on top of a pile of black bin bags, at the other end of the yard, Gerald spotted a single black boot. Nothing too remarkable about that until, at least from this distance, it looked like the foot was still inside. “I think we should go back to the car,” he suggested. “Something isn't right about this place.”
“Mum, what is he going on about? I don't want to go back. I want, I need that dress!”
Rather than jumping into a confrontation that Gerald had no hope of winning, he simply pulled the pair towards the pile of bin bags.
“What are you doing, Gerald?”
Her mild tone betrayed an undercurrent of future emotional torment for him if he didn't explain his actions. “There is a severed foot inside that boot over there.” His tone was equally mild but still loud enough for both females to hear it.
Laura let him go and marched over to the boot, while muttering under her breath. He stopped dead, watching in utter disbelief while the woman scrambled up the pile, retrieved the boot and stuck her hand inside.
<
br /> “God, you are such a moron, Gerald. It's a plastic foot, you know left over from Halloween? Wait, did you really think it was real?” Her harsh laughter pummelled his ears, made even worse when the brat joined in. “Really, you get worse.” She threw the boot into another alley then crouched in front of him. “I'll tell you what we'll do. Once we have Tania's dress, I'll treat you with a gift.” Laura gave her daughter another knowing smile followed by a sly wink. “You know, I'm sure there's a stall in the old market where you can buy your man a new set of balls.”
This prompted Tania to take up the giggling again, which stopped abruptly when the boot flew out from inside the dark alley and landed by Laura's feet. He grabbed both Laura and Tania's wrists and pulled them back while slowly backing away himself. That smell, the hot dirt odour had grown stronger.
“Who's in there?” yelled Laura. She opened her black leather purse, rummaged through the insides before her hand emerged clutching a small silver canister. “Come on, stop taking the piss. Come on out, or I swear to God that I'll come in and knock your fucking block off!”
She wrenched her wrist out of his grip and stormed forward, gesturing to Tania to do the same. When Gerald refused to release her, Laura spun around. He found himself facing a full on attack. She held the cannister in front of her and he finally worked out what she was armed with.
“Wait, is that mace?”
“Let her go, right now, you big coward or I'll...”
Tania's sudden piercing shrieking cut her off in mid-shout. He tore his gaze from Laura and stared in utter terror and disbelief at what had emerged from the alleyway. Gerald reached for Laura only for her to blast him with the spray. Thankfully, her aim was off, so most of the pepper spray hit his cheek but some of the stuff did enter his eyes. Enough for Gerald to forget about the sight of two brown centipedes, both the length of buses, scuttling over to Laura. He forgot about Tania finally getting free, running over to her mum, only for a giant black beetle to rise out from under those bin bags, catch the girl between its huge mandibles and cut her in two. Gerald even forgot about the appearance of what could only be described as insect people. Five of them followed the centipedes out from the alleyway and headed straight towards him. He dropped to his knees, doing his best to cut out the wet noise of those monsters dining on human flesh. Gerald moaned softly, tears streaming from both eyes, while cursing himself for not being able to make the right choice in life.