by Erica Lee
“Sorry. I need you to stop that or else it’s going to be really hard to keep it from going any further.”
Faith’s eyes continued to burn with passion and desire. “Maybe I want it to go further.”
I shook my head. “Maybe right now you feel that way, but I know you don’t. I would never want you to make a decision in the heat of the moment that you’re going to regret.”
I removed my body from underneath Faith and forced myself to get out of my bed, walking out of my room to get a glass of water. It was a few minutes before Faith shyly exited the room herself.
Are you mad at me?” Faith asked hesitantly.
Her question surprised me. “Of course I’m not mad at you. Why would I be?”
A look of sadness came into Faith’s face. “You just got out of bed so quickly. I thought you were mad about what happened.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at her. “You think I’m mad that we just had a super steamy make out session that involved a decent amount of touching? The only thing I can think of to be mad about is the fact that you are hiding those rock solid abs from me. It would be highly appreciated if you would walk around in nothing but a sports bra from now on.”
This finally made Faith laugh. “So you don’t think I’m crazy for waiting until marriage? Most people do. I mean Susan does. She tells me all the time. She always says that if I knew what I was missing out on that I would never even consider waiting. But you do know what you’re missing out on. I don’t want you to feel like you’re being held back because of me.”
It took me a minute to try to wrap my head around what Faith was saying. I had so many questions. “Of course I don’t think you’re crazy. But Faith… back in my room, when you said that you wanted things to go further… Was that because you were afraid of how I would feel if we didn’t take things further? Do you think I’m going to decide I don’t want to be with you because of that?”
Faith shook her head. “Sometimes I do worry if you’ll get bored with me, but that’s not why I said I wanted things to go further. I said it because I did and if you hadn’t stopped me, I don’t know if I could have stopped. I’m sorry. I’ve just never felt like this before. I didn’t know that the first time I actually had legitimate feelings for someone that I would have such a hard time abstaining. I guess I’m not as strong as I thought I was.”
I walked around the counter so I could take both of Faith’s hands in mine. “I think you’re super strong. And I could never get bored of you. Listen. I’m super attracted to you. Just being near you sets off about a thousand different alarms throughout my whole body and there are a lot of different ways I would love to express those feelings. But I also respect you for waiting. It actually just makes me like you even more because I’ve never met anyone like you. But I do have a question for you and I want you to answer it honestly. Don’t try to spare my feelings, ok? Does it bother you that I have so much experience? I know we’ve never talked numbers and I’d really rather not, but trust me when I say that mine isn’t low.”
Faith gave my hands a reassuring squeeze. “It honestly doesn’t bother me. Does it make me feel a bit self conscious? Yes, but that’s on me, not you. Your past is the past and honestly what you choose to do with your body is your choice. I don’t think I’m some type of saint for waiting. I also don’t believe it makes me a better Christian. I know plenty of Christians who aren’t saving themselves for marriage and I honestly don’t think there is anything wrong with that. It was a personal decision of mine to wait.”
I wrapped my arms around Faith, forcing us closer together. “And I respect that decision, which is exactly why I hopped out of bed so fast. You had me so hot and bothered, I had to get a glass of water to cool myself down. Even practice doesn’t cause me to sweat like that.”
As we stood in silence holding each other close, I looked back on what had happened over the past half hour and suddenly burst into laughter. Faith shot me a look that said she thought I was crazy, but I couldn’t make myself stop.
“I’m sorry. I was just thinking about everything and realized that I almost got in your pants by telling you that I would go to church with you. The irony of that is just hilarious.”
Faith rolled her eyes at me and playfully tried to push me away, but I wrapped my arms around her tighter so she couldn’t. When she finally gave in, she laid her head against my chest. “How did I get so lucky?” She sighed.
I breathed her in and continued to hold her close. “I don’t think luck has anything to do with it.”
Chapter 18
The next day I tried my best to keep an open mind as the church service started. The message was centered around the resurrection which wasn’t surprising since it was Easter. I had heard this message countless times growing up and even I had to admit that it was a nice story. The thought that someone could love me enough to die for me was pretty cool, but was it actually believable? My parents didn’t even love me enough to keep me around. I started laughing to myself as I thought about the fact that there might be a big man in the sky who loved me enough to die for me, but not enough to give me loving parents. I didn’t realize that I was slightly laughing out loud until Faith looked over at me like I was crazy. I shrugged my shoulders and forced myself to stop.
After the service, Faith took my hand as we walked out and leaned in close to whisper to me. “What do you say we stop by the playground for a few minutes before heading back to my house?”
I quickly agreed and was happy when we pulled up to find it abandoned. Faith took my hand as she skipped over to the merry-go-round. Once we were sitting facing each other, I leaned in and placed my lips against hers. We shared a few quick kisses before I ran my tongue along her bottom lip, asking for entry.
Instead, Faith shook her head and pushed me away. “I actually wanted to talk,” she admitted.
I let out a frustrated sigh. “Do you mean to tell me you didn’t bring me here to seduce me?”
Faith laughed and rolled her eyes at me. “You’re bad.”
“What can I say? You bring out the best in me,” I joked.
After giggling together for a moment, Faith became serious again. “So what was so funny in church today?”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to do that out loud. I just found the irony of everything amusing.”
I went on to explain the thoughts that had been circulating through my head and Faith nodded in understanding. She took my hand in hers and kissed the back of it.
She closed her eyes and seemed to breathe me in before speaking. “I wish your past didn’t play such a big roll in the present. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. The fact that your parents aren’t involved is probably something you are reminded of every day. But I just wish you could trust people and realize that not everyone is going to hurt you.”
I stared at Faith and saw the sincere care in her eyes. “I trust you.”
The most adorable smile spread across Faith’s face as she leaned forward to place a kiss on my lips. When she removed her lips from mine, she kept her forehead leaned against mine and her hand on my cheek. “Good. Because I would never do anything to hurt you Joey.”
When she leaned back, her demeanor seemed to change and a worried look appeared on her face. “I have to tell you something,” she said with a gulp.
I could feel fear running through me and I knew I wasn’t doing a good job hiding it. Faith brought her hand back up to my cheek. “Oh honey, please don’t be scared.”
She hesitated before speaking again. “I just wanted to tell you that some of the girls from the team are going to be coming to our house for Easter lunch. My sister invites the girls that are forced to stay here because they live too far away to travel home for the day.”
My first thought was how Susan Hopkins had never invited me to her house. I had spent the past three Easters by myself, just like every other holiday since leaving for college. Julie always invited me to go home with her, but I couldn’t handle going back to the area I g
rew up in and she understood that. Coach R had also invited me over to her house a few times since she knew what was going on with my parents, but even she gave up after I turned her down so many times. But I guess I couldn’t blame Susan. I didn’t talk to her. She had no way of knowing I had nowhere to go. My next thought was a worse one. I didn’t believe that Faith was telling me what she originally had in mind. It felt like she saw my fear and changed her mind, which made me wonder what it could have been. I meant it when I told her I trusted her, but now I was starting to wonder if I really should.
Since I wasn’t answering, Faith took my hand in hers again. “I’m sorry we never invited you. We honestly didn’t know anything about you until recently. But now the thought of you being alone at those times just kills me.”
Just like that, the sincerity had returned and all of my doubts washed away. It was easy to see that Faith cared about me and I wasn’t going to let my insecurities from the past ruin this.
“So…” I said, trying to change the subject. “I have a question. I know you’ve told me why you believe, but how do you know all this church stuff is true? How do you know that it’s not all a load of BS?”
Faith smiled warmly at me. “I don’t. That’s why it’s called faith.”
I nodded my head, trying my best to understand. There were parts of me that really wanted to believe and then other parts that would do anything to not believe. Either way, I wasn’t sure if I was capable of blind faith, but I guess time would tell.
By the time we got back to Faith’s house, all of the guests had arrived. There were about ten girls from the team who had come, most of them were jumpers and sprinters, but there was also one thrower and one distance runner.
“Joey! Hey,” Maggie Vinetti yelled as I walked through the door. “I didn’t know you would be here.”
Maggie was an open 400 meter runner so she and I often were put in a group together for workouts. We were cordial to each other and made small talk at times, but I had never hung out with her outside of practice.
Before I could respond to her, Susan walked up and put her arm around me. “Joey is actually dating my sister.”
“That’s awesome,” Maggie responded, a bit too enthusiastically. “I didn’t realize that.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s pretty new.”
“It may be new, but that doesn’t stop the two of them from making googly eyes at each other during every family dinner.” Susan elbowed me in the side as she joked and I glared back at her.
Jason came up on the other side of Susan and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Hey babe. How about you lay off Joey a bit?”
After scolding her, Jason looked toward me and winked. I gave him a small appreciative smile for trying to save me, but unfortunately it wasn’t enough for Susan.
“Hey. I have to give Joey a hard time. It’s my job as the older sister.”
Jason shook his head at her. “It’s like five minutes babe. You really need to get over that.”
Susan turned all of her attention on Jason and began tickling him to get him to be quiet. I was just happy to have the attention off of me for a moment, but unfortunately it didn’t last long. It turned out that I was somewhat of an enigma on the track team so all of my teammates were interested in learning more about the “Mysterious Joey McGolden.”
Socializing with them turned out to be much better than I expected though and I was starting to realize just how much I had missed out on by being closed off throughout the years.
——————————
Even track was different after that Easter Sunday. My teammates started to invite me to have dinner with them after practice and I tried my best to put in more of an effort to get to know them better. Even coach noticed the change, and to my surprise, kept me after practice one day to tell me that she was going to put me on the relay team. I felt proud to accept it and was finding that I was becoming happier and happier. It was crazy how much my life had changed just from one person and it had me believing that Faith was some type of angel.
Chapter 19
I decided to skip out on church the weekend after Easter. I wanted the chance to sleep in and there was also something that was keeping me from fully committing to it, although I wasn’t sure exactly what that was at this point. I asked Faith to join them the next week, mostly because we had both been busy and I hadn’t seen her as much as I would have liked lately.
As soon as the first sentence left Pastor M’s lips I knew that I had chosen the right week to go. “Today we are going to talk about forgiveness,” she announced and from that moment forward I was hooked.
After the service, I asked Faith to go to my special spot by the pond so we could talk. “What’s up?” Faith asked after I sat silently for a few minutes.
“So I haven’t been super up front with you about my feelings toward church and God lately because I didn’t want to give you the wrong idea and then disappoint you. But I have been… you know… considering things much more. I’ve gone back and forth a bunch of times about how I feel. I have moments where I feel like I’m starting to believe and I actually think I can feel God surrounding me, which trust me, I can’t believe I’m saying these words either. But no matter how hard I try to pray and stuff, I always feel like there is something holding me back. Well, I think I finally know what it is. I think I need to forgive my parents.”
Faith’s eyes went wide. “Wow Joey. That’s amazing. I’m really happy you have been able to figure this all out for yourself, but I wish you knew that you could have been talking it through with me. You could never disappoint me, no matter what you believe. I mean it.”
I sighed softly. “I know and I’m sorry. You know I’m still adjusting to this whole opening up to someone thing. It’s weird for me.” I paused before adding, “But what do you think? Do you think my anger toward my parents is holding me back?”
“Honestly? Yes. 100%. It’s hard to move forward when you’re stuck in the past and if there’s anything that is going to hold you back, it’s anger.”
I knew Faith was right, but there was one problem. “What if I can’t truly forgive them? I can say I want to forgive them and I can even say that I do, but it’s not so easy to change how I feel. What they did to me goes far beyond disowning me for being gay. They were pretty awful to me my whole life. Seeing how your family is has shown me that, even at our best times, we were never truly a family.”
Faith closed her eyes, taking in what I was saying. “That’s definitely the hard part, but the only thing you can do is decide that you want to forgive them. That right there is half the battle. I’m not sure if you want to hear this or not, but I believe the rest is up to God. I know it sounds cliche, but I think you should write your parents a letter. Be honest in it. Tell them that you want to forgive them, but also don’t hold back about how angry and hurt you feel. In the end, if you want to send it you can. But you also don’t have to. Just putting it down into words is going to help. Trust me. I’ve written a lot of letters - some to my brother and even some to God. Every time I do, I feel almost lighter afterwards, like the words on the page had been carried around on my shoulders.”
I leaned in and gave Faith a kiss. “You’re really smart. You know that right?”
Faith shrugged in response, always too modest to accept compliments.
“Faith?” I whispered. “Will you pray with me?”
A wide smile spread across her face and she took my hands in hers. “Of course I will.”
—————————
I prayed again before sitting down a few days later to write the note to my parents. This time I said it to myself. Faith had offered to sit with me while I wrote the letter, but I decided that it was something I wanted to do on my own. To my surprise, once I started writing, the words quickly flowed onto the paper.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I’m mad at you. I’m sure there is a more eloquent way to put it, but that’s just how I feel, plain and simple.
I’m not sure if you realize this, but you hurt me a lot while I was growing up. All I ever wanted was to make you proud and you constantly made me feel like I was letting you down. It killed me that you couldn’t accept me and it continues to hurt me today.
I want you to know that I’m trying really hard to forgive you. I want to forgive you and I want to move on. In a way, I guess I can see that you really did want what’s best for me and I appreciate that. I just think that somewhere along the line, your idea of what was best for me became skewed. All I ever really needed was your love.
I also wanted to let you know that I started going to church. I know you both wanted me to be more serious about my faith and I thought you should know that I’m starting to understand why. Learning about God has taught me a lot about life and love and I’m starting to learn that things aren’t as black and white as I thought they were.
I think you both loved me the best way you knew how and I’m ready to let go of the resentment I feel about it.
I really do forgive you.
Joey
I took a deep breath and sat my pen down. Faith was right. I really did feel better already. It felt good to let that out and by the end, I truly did feel ready to forgive, at least in the best way I could.
I decided that I wanted to send the letter. I didn’t expect it to change anything, but I still wanted my parents to know exactly how I felt. It was the first time I was completely honest about my feelings and it felt surprisingly good.
Chapter 20
The following Sunday in church, I felt different. Suddenly, the words in the songs we sang weren’t just words - they were the feelings and emotions that I was experiencing. The stories that Pastor M talked about during the sermon no longer struck me as just a simple story - they seemed to speak the truth.