by Erica Lee
Faith looked over at me seriously. “I don’t think you sound crazy at all.”
I couldn’t handle her burning gaze so I looked back up at the sky. “The stars are beautiful tonight,” I commented.
“I know,” Faith answered smugly. “That’s why I brought you here. I found that this is the best place in town for stargazing because it’s so secluded and dark.”
I laid down on the blanket and pulled her down beside me. She quickly cuddled into me, laying her head on my chest and draping her arm across my stomach. We shared a comfortable silence for a few minutes while we both took in our surroundings.
“It’s funny,” I spoke, finally interrupting the silence. “Every single little piece of our lives seems like such a big deal to us. Then I look up at the stars and I’m reminded just how big the universe is and it makes everything we go through in this life seem so insignificant. I’m not sure whether that should make me feel really happy or really sad.”
“I think it’s all about perspective,” Faith pointed out.
I smiled at her words. “That’s true. Like right now I’m laying here thinking about the millions of people all around the world experiencing all sorts of emotions - love, hate, fear, excitement. Someone is sleeping soundly while someone else is lying awake worrying. Someone is falling in love while someone else is getting their heart broken. Someone just got the best news in the world and at the exact same time, someone got the worst. And even with all of that going on, God still finds time for little old me. He thinks that every emotion I experience, every single high and low, is important. That’s a really beautiful thing, but it’s also really crazy because the person I was just a few months ago would have scoffed at the words I’m saying right now. She would have looked up at this same night sky and felt nothing but loneliness.”
Faith scooted closer to me and placed a kiss on my cheek. “When did you become the deep one?” She joked.
I smiled over at her and shrugged my shoulders. “What can I say? You tend to have that effect on me.”
Faith placed her head back on my chest and even though I couldn’t see her face, I could tell she was smiling. “Well, I’m glad I could have that effect on you. I’m also glad you’re not that lonely girl anymore. It honestly kills me that you ever felt lonely. I wish I could go back in time and just hold your hand through all of your struggles.”
I sighed as I pulled her even closer. “I wish I could do the same thing for you. I want to go back and hold you every single time you cry.”
“You’re the best Joey,” Faith murmured. “I care about you so much more than I could ever express in words.”
“You could express it in kisses,” I smirked.
Faith moved her body so she was hovering over me and our lips were just inches apart. “I could do that,” she whispered seductively. “Or we could race to the swing set.”
Before I could fully process what she was saying, she had pushed herself off of me and had started running. “Loser has to buy the winner ice cream on the next date,” she shouted while picking up speed.
I pushed myself up off the ground as quickly as I could and started to run after her. I soon realized that there was no way I could possibly catch up, unless I came up with a plan. “Ouch!” I screamed loud enough for Faith to hear.
When she turned around and saw me laying in the ground holding my ankle, the smile immediately left her face. Within seconds, she was crouching down beside me.
“Oh no Joey. What happened? Are you ok? Can you stand?” The concern on her face was awfully adorable and made me feel the littlest bit guilty about what I was about to do.
I reached my hand up to her. “I’m not sure. Try to help me up.”
Once I was standing, I let go of her hand and gave her a gentle shove, then took off running as fast as I could.
“Sucker!” I shouted as I closed in on the swings.
I could hear Faith running behind me and muttering under her breath about what a jerk I was. I gave her a cocky smile as she reached the swings after me.
“You don’t play fair,” Faith pouted.
I reached my arms out and pulled her into me. “Sorry babe. If there are two things I love more than anything in this world, it’s winning and ice cream.”
She pouted for just a few more seconds, then let herself melt into me. I pulled back just enough to place a kiss on her lips, then stared up at the night sky as I continued to hold her in my arms. Life was good and for once, I finally believed it was going to stay that way.
Chapter 23
“Ok guys,” Susan lectured as the whole team gathered around her. “This is it. This is the day we have been working for all season. No one on this team has ever lost a conference championship, but today is going to be a battle between us and Somerset. We need to go hard from the very beginning to the bitter end.”
When Susan’s eyes met mine, I nodded my head. I knew so much of this meet was riding on my shoulders. I was seeded to score more points than anyone else on the team and, as if that wasn’t enough pressure, coach had made me the final runner on the relay that was the last event of the meet. The whole meet could literally come down to how I did in that race.
I took my eyes off of Susan to look toward the bleachers where Faith was sitting. As soon as our eyes met, she blew me a kiss which I pretended to grab and put close to my heart.
“McGolden,” Susan interrupted sternly. “You can do whatever you want with my sister after we win this meet, but right now I need you to focus.”
I looked toward the team and realized I had missed them all putting their hands in the middle for one final chant. I tried to will myself not to turn red as they all laughed while I leaned in to join them.
After the cheer was over, I turned back to Faith who had caught the whole scene and was laughing hysterically. I grinned back at her and shrugged my shoulders, then said a quick prayer before starting to warm up for my races.
I easily took first place in both hurdle events and was just happy that I ran times that were going to be good enough to qualify me for nationals.
When it came time for the relay, we were losing to Somerset by just one point. Of course, we were seeded to finish third in the relay while the Somerset was seeded to finish first.
I gathered the rest of my relay team around me. “Ok guys. This is it. We need to score two more points than Somerset in this relay to win the meet. It might seem like a long shot, but if we can just win this relay, we can bring home another win for our team.”
The rest of the girls nodded nervously in response. I tried to hide my nerves as we walked onto the track. When the gun went off, I watched Somerset take an early lead while we settled into third. By the time our third runner was given the baton, we had moved up to second, but Somerset still had a considerable lead. I watched as my teammate barreled toward me, closing in on Somerset’s runner. As soon as the baton was in my hand, I took off, keeping my eyes on the athlete ahead of me. When we made it to the last 100 meters, I had yet to catch her, but I had closed the gap a considerable amount.
As my legs burned and my breathing became labored, I repeated the Bible verse that Faith had recently shared with me over and over in my head: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I noticed that the girl ahead of me was running out of steam and pushed myself that much harder. With just 25 meters left, I pulled past her and soared across the finish line in first place. Before I could even realize what had just happened, I was being tackled to the ground by my teammates. When they finally let me up to breathe, hugs and high fives ensued. It all felt surreal as we made our way over to the podium to get our relay trophy and then stayed there to receive the team trophy. This was followed up by a bunch of my teammates surprisingly asking me for pictures. It was crazy how much my relationship had changed with my teammates since the outdoor season has started.
When I was finally done celebrating with my teammates, I looked around the stadium for Faith. I was still on such
a high from the race that I didn’t know if there was anything that could bring me down. I caught a view of coach and Faith standing by the edge of the track and started walking over toward them. I was about to put my arms around them from behind when I was taken aback by their conversation.
“You had so much to do with this Faith. I’m so happy I set you two up. Having her volunteer with you changed her life.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I interrupted.
Faith turned around to see me standing there and her face turned a ghostly shade of white. “Joey. It isn’t what it sounds like. I promise.”
“Oh, is that so?” I asked, as the tears started to roll down my cheeks. “Because it sounds like I was your little pet project.”
Faith tried to reach out for me, but I ripped my arm away from her and stormed away. I ignored my teammates asking what was wrong as I ran past them and didn’t stop until I was outside of the stadium. I leaned on a tree trying to catch my breath and felt a hand reach out and touch my shoulder.
I turned around to see Faith standing behind me. At this point, she also had tears streaking her face. “Joey, please let me explain,” she pleaded.
“Fine,” I growled. “But you better tell me the truth.”
“Of course. I wouldn’t lie to you.”
I scoffed at her words, but motioned for her to continue.
“So after the track party bust and meeting, coach was feeling down so my parents invited her over for dinner. That night she asked if there was anything going on at church that she could volunteer you for and I mentioned that I was going to do the meal delivery. Coach asked if I would mind kind of taking you under my wing since we were the same age and I agreed. I thought we would just do the volunteer gig and that would be the end of it. I didn’t realize just how amazing you were going to be.”
I shook my head in frustration, trying to wrap my mind around what she was saying. “So did you know... ugh... did you already know about my parents?”
Faith tried to reach for my hand, but I pulled it away from her. “I didn’t know everything, I promise. All she told me was that you were gay and that you didn’t have a relationship with your parents.”
“When I came out to you and then when I told you about my parents, you never said anything. My goodness Faith... I trusted you. You were the one person who wasn’t supposed to let me down. How could you do this to me? Why wouldn’t you just be honest with me?” I was practically yelling at this point, but I didn’t care.
Faith looked toward the ground, unable to face me. “I’m sorry Joey. I wanted to tell you. I really did. But I was afraid. I didn’t want to lose you. I lo...”
“Just stop. Please,” I begged. “I can’t do this Faith. I just can’t. This changes everything.”
“What are you saying Joey?” Faith trembled.
I took a deep breath, not believing the words that were about to come out of my mouth. “I can’t do this relationship anymore. We need to break up.”
I could see the heartbreak forming on Faith’s face, so I quickly turned away. It didn’t matter how mad I was at her. I couldn’t stand to see her upset. When she didn’t say anything, I made my way back to the stadium to grab my bag so I could join the rest of the team on the bus. I sat silently the whole ride, trying my best not to cry. When coach walked back to try to talk to me at one point, I told her that I needed rest but continued to just stare out the bus window. Once we were in Julie’s car heading back to our apartment, she finally forced me to talk.
“Ok, listen Joey. I let you wallow in self pity over who knows what for the whole 2.5 hour bus ride. But now you need to tell me what’s up.”
“Faith and I broke up,” I sighed.
“What?” Julie screeched at the same time her tires did since she had to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of her. “What the heck Joey? That doesn’t make any sense. Anytime you had a few minutes to spare at the meet, you and Faith were making googly eyes at each other.”
“Yeah. Well things can change quickly when you find out you can’t trust someone,” I growled.
Julie stared at me for a few seconds like she was trying to read between the lines of what I was telling her and figure out what I could be talking about.
When I didn’t say anything else, she let out a frustrated groan. “So are you going to tell me what actually happened or are you just going to make me guess?”
I huffed in response. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Ok. Then what do you want to talk about?” Julie asked, staying surprisingly calm for how much I was snapping at her. “I’m not going to let you sit here and get lost inside of your own head, so if we have to talk about something else then so be it.”
I sat silently for a few more beats before responding. “Ok then. What’s the deal with you and Paul? He can claim that he was at that track meet to support me, but we’ve been friends throughout all of college and that boy has never stepped foot anywhere near the track.”
A slight blush spread across Julie’s face. “He actually asked me to officially be his girlfriend today. I know it’s terrible timing since we are both about to graduate and will end up who knows where, but I really like him. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this work.” After a minute, she added, “Sorry. This is probably the last thing you want to hear about right now.”
I tried my best to smile at her. “Hey, I asked. Plus, I am happy for you and it’s nice to hear some good news.”
Julie’s face lit up a bit. “If you’re looking for good news, I’ve got some for you. Coach thinks my time in the 200 is going to be good enough to get me into nationals! We get to make the trip to Cali together!”
Excitement and guilt both coursed through my body. I had been so caught up in my own little world that I hadn’t even realized Julie was close to qualifying and I definitely hadn’t noticed that she had run a qualifying time at the meet.
“Dude! That’s amazing! I’m so sorry I didn’t realize it. I’m so excited!”
Julie gave me a small smile. “It’s ok. You clearly had a lot going on today. Which, by the way, even though I’m giving you an out for today, we are still going to talk about this.”
I groaned. “Of course we are.”
Chapter 24
The next week was hard. Actually, hard was an understatement. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest because I missed Faith so much. I busied myself with final exams and projects and preparing for graduation at the end of the week. When I wasn’t studying for finals, I was studying the Bible I had gotten at my baptism. I prayed for wisdom, but reading just made me miss Faith even more. All I wanted to do was call or text her and talk about all the passages that were completely over my head. It didn’t help that she was calling and texting me every day, asking me to talk. Although I felt bad, I chose to ignore all of her attempts. I knew I was hurting her and it was honestly the last thing I wanted. Deep down I knew she didn’t deserve it, but I was afraid if I talked to her, I would let her in again and I just couldn’t do that. I had been hurt too much in life. I couldn’t add another person to the list of people who would let me down.
My loneliness hit rock bottom when graduation day came and I realized that I would have no one there for me. Julie had offered for me to join her family after to celebrate, and although I had accepted, I still knew that I would feel like an outsider. They were all very nice, but they weren’t family. The closest I had ever gotten to having any sort of family was the Hopkins family and now that was ruined.
I just barely paid attention to the graduation ceremony, only bringing my eyes to the stage when Faith’s name was called. She looked stunning accepting her diploma. No matter what was happening, she always had a way of radiating sunshine. When my name was called, I was surprised to hear some cheers coming from the crowd. I figured it must have been Julie’s family or some of the track girls since I didn’t know who else would be cheering for me.
After t
he ceremony, I made my way through the crowd as quickly as possible so I could try to find Julie to get pictures with her and Paul before heading to dinner with her family. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around expecting to see Julie. To my surprise, Faith was standing there, her blue eyes burning into me and her freckles sparkling under the May sun.
“Could we talk please?” she just barely whispered.
I was about to say no when I noticed the sadness behind her eyes. It killed me to see that, so I grabbed her arm to pull her away from the crowd. Even just that small touch set my body on fire and reminded me just how much I had missed being close to her. When we were in a secluded area away from the crowd, I let go of her and crossed my arms in front of my chest.
“So what is it?” I tried to ask nonchalantly. I wanted to mask just how bad I was hurting.
“How are you?” Faith asked while reaching out to touch my arm.
I quickly pulled it away, unable to handle her touch. “I’m fine,” I lied.
Faith gave me a look that told me she knew I was bullshitting her. “You don’t have to do that Joey. I know you’re hurting. You can tell me. I hurt you.”
“Yeah. Well, you’re right,” I admitted. “And it hurts like hell. Are you happy now that you got me to admit that?”
Faith sighed. “Of course not. The last thing I want is for you to feel pain and the fact that I caused that pain kills me.”
“I’ll be ok Faith. Seriously. You can stop worrying. I have friends and I have God. I’m going to get through this.”
She nodded her head slowly and sadly. “I’m glad to hear that. I’m not sure how I’m going to get through it though. I miss you so much that I feel it in my whole body. At least tell me that you don’t hate me. I couldn’t stand the thought of that.”
I felt my defenses start to go down with her words. “Of course I don’t hate you Faith. I could never hate you. You changed my life and I’ll always be thankful for that. I just don’t know how to get past the other stuff.”