Lyrics of a Small Town

by Glines, Abbi

  I walked over to the nearest chair and sank down into it. My hands trembled as I laid then flat on my knees. Deep down had I known? Had I truly ignored this and let myself continue falling in love with him? Had Gran known about this? Was that what she sent me to that house for? How could she not have known if she kept Keerly? Why wouldn’t she just have told me? If she had known I was going to meet Saul and fall for him, why wouldn’t she have done more than send me to that house? How was I supposed to figure that out on my own? She couldn’t have known. Gran wouldn’t have been okay with it. I knew her and this would not have been okay with her. She would have called him out on it. I know that.

  No, Gran hadn’t sent me there because of Isla and Saul. This was something she had missed. This small town had more secrets that even Gran had known.

  “Isla Evans,” I said aloud and lifted my head to see Rio sitting on the sofa. His elbows on his knees and his concerned gaze on me. “Her name is Isla Evans. Her daughter’s name is Keerly.”

  “You knew about it?” he asked me.

  I shook my head. “No, of course not. They were on my list of things to do. I had to take Keerly my Gran’s scarves. Gran used to babysit her on occasion. They go to Gran’s church. She was such a nice lady. When I saw her with Saul, I told myself it was innocent. How could it not be?” I asked and a sob rose in my throat.

  “Damn him,” Rio cursed and stood up to walk over to put his hand on my back. “I am so sorry, Henley. I should have told you sooner. I just didn’t think it was still going on and I didn’t see a reason to throw Saul’s past in his face. I have enough shit in my past I want to leave there. I was respecting it. I didn’t know this.”

  I sniffled and wiped at my tears. “It’s not your fault. You did tell me to be careful. You weren’t the only one. I chose to love him or maybe I couldn’t stop myself from loving him.”

  “Do you want me to stay here with you in case he comes over?” Rio asked gently.

  I shook my head. “This isn’t between you and Saul. He’s your best friend. I won’t be the reason that ends. I think, I think I’ll call Hillya. Go stay there for the night. Just to give myself some time before I face him.”

  “Henley, this is going to come between us and you can’t stop that. I can’t look at that motherfucker after this. He had a chance to change things and he didn’t do it. I can’t forgive him. Not for this. Not this time.” Rio’s voice was hard and the anger was back.

  “Please don’t do this. You don’t have to tell him you told me anything. Act like you don’t know. Just continue like you were. I will handle the rest. This is between Saul and me.”

  Rio shook his head. “No. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

  “Rio, I’ve been your sister for a little over a month. He’s been your best friend for six or seven years,” I argued.

  “It’s not just that we are related. You were good for him. You were better than he deserved. He was happy with you. He fucking smiled. Saul doesn’t smile. He is rarely happy. You changed it for him. He had a chance at something more. Then he does this shit? It’s like he’s punishing himself for something. He won’t let himself be happy. He’s as messed up as his mother.”

  I thought about that. Was he refusing to be happy? Had he gone to Isla to ruin us because he didn’t feel like he deserved it? I stood up and looked at Rio. “Maybe that’s it. Maybe he is punishing himself. I don’t know and I will never know. I thought I could be the one to fix him but instead he broke me.”

  Thirty-Nine

  When I had called Hillya to ask if I could stay with her tonight, she hadn’t even asked me why. The raspy sound of my voice from the crying probably kept her from asking. She opened her door before I could knock and her worried gaze studied me then she stood back and waved her hand. “Come inside. Make yourself comfortable in here and I’ll make a pot of tea,” she told me.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  “Of course. I’m always here and I’m glad you called me,” she replied. Then she hugged me. “I didn’t get to be there for your other heartbreaks in life but I am here for this one. Whatever it is.”

  I sniffled then and tears stung my eyes as the lump returned to my throat. All I could do was nod. She held me a moment more then took my shoulders and looked at me. “Cry. Get it out. Don’t hold in pain.”

  Tears spilled onto my cheeks and she gave me a sad smile. “With each tear more of the sorrow leaves us. Now, go sit down in the burgundy recliner. There is a box of tissues beside it. I’ll get some tea on and break out the fresh honey I bought from Barney May yesterday,” she said and patted my arm before heading toward her kitchen.

  I sank down onto the recliner and folded my knees under me. Hillya’s house smelled much like Gran’s. She spent hours baking like I did. The familiar scent of vanilla and cinnamon was comforting. I reached for a tissue and blew my nose. My phone began to ring then and I pulled it from my pocket and saw Saul’s name on the screen. Pressing the side button, I waited until the phone turned off then put it down.

  I didn’t want to see his phone calls or texts. Not tonight. I wasn’t ready. I needed time first to face him. I was shattered. I had no other way to describe it. In such a small amount of time I had met him, let myself fall for him, and then been destroyed by him. Was it because I was so naïve? I had such little experience with relationships. Had I taken what we had too seriously and cared too deeply?

  Hillya entered the living room with a floral tea pot and matching cups. “It’s mint. The only decaf I have in the house,” she said, setting it down on the coffee table. I watched as she poured the tea into both cups then added honey to both. I took mine when she handed it to me, although I wasn’t sure I could swallow past the lump in my throat.

  “Thank you,” I told her.

  She took her cup and settled down in the chair across from me. “I’m old and it’s been a long time since I was in love, but I know heartbreak when I see it. The boy. The Hendrix one. He’s hurt you,” she said.

  I nodded.

  “It takes boys many many years to grow into men. They are reckless and build up a world of regrets often before they level out and mature. My Jim was about thirty-three when he finally got it together. Then he passed away when he was forty-four. Massive heart attack took him out so young,” she said then took a sip of her tea.

  I had never asked about her husband, my grandfather. She wasn’t married and she never mentioned it, so I figured I had better leave it alone. I hadn’t known she had been a widow and for so many years.

  “How old was Rebel when your husband passed away?” I asked then.

  “Ten years old. I often wondered had John lived would he have been the strong hand Rebel needed. Maybe he would be alive today.” She lifted her shoulders in a small shrug. “Life doesn’t prepare you for what is to come. It just happens and we are stuck with finding a way to live through it or giving in and letting it take us down.”

  I took a drink of my tea. The lump was there but talking about Hillya’s past and my father helped get my mind off of the pain that I feared would remain in my chest for a long time.

  “Gran left me her house,” I told Hillya. I hadn’t told anyone, but I wanted to tell her. I guess in a way I hoped she’d have some wisdom on what I should do now. I had thought I knew but could I stay here in this small town after this?

  Hillya smiled. “Was that on the list?” she asked.

  “Yeah, it was the last thing. I had to take cookbooks to a lady named Betty. She had a box for me too. Gran had a letter in the box and the deed to the house.”

  “Honey and Betty were friends as long as I knew them,” Hillya said. “I’m not surprised she left the last part with her. Especially since Betty’s son Roger is Honey’s estate lawyer, at least I would assume that.”

  “He is,” I replied.

  Hillya took another drink of her tea then tilted her head to the side as
she looked at me. “So, what are you going to do?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. I did. I thought I did. But now,” I trailed off and stared down into my cup.

  “Well, that isn’t something you have to decide overnight. Nor should you. Decision like this take time. You take your time. Wait it out. See what happens.”

  Take my time. Wait it out. I wasn’t sure I had the strength to do that. The idea of leaving Hillya, Rio and even Emily behind made me sad. I was just getting to know them. However, staying seemed almost impossible.

  “Tomorrow things won’t be clearer. That my child is a crock of shit. People think things will look brighter the next day and that’s simply because they got some sleep. Life doesn’t clear up over a good night’s rest. Time is what clears it up. My dad used to tell me ‘This too shall pass, Hillya.’ And as a teen, it would make me so mad. Things would be hard at the moment and seemed like the world was over. It wasn’t until I was a mother myself and I realized how quickly it all does pass. Too quickly.”

  I wanted to believe that this pain would pass but I also knew if I stayed in this town, I would be reminded every day of Saul. I had finished Gran’s list. Staying all summer had been my plan because I had thought this town would clear things up for me. Give me direction.

  Instead I was going to leave more lost than when I arrived.

  Forty

  Saul was sitting on Gran’s front porch when I pulled into the driveway right beside his blue truck at six the next morning. He stood up when he saw me and started down the stairs. Just seeing him was hard. It hurt so bad that breathing became difficult. I had missed him and now I would miss him even more. Taking a deep breath, I opened my car door and stepped out. Sleep had never come for me last night and Hillya was right, nothing looked clearer or brighter this morning.

  I closed the car door and looked at him. He stopped then. His eyes had darker circles than the last time I saw him. His hair looked as if he had run his hands through it a dozen times. I wondered for a moment if he had been here all night.

  “Where were you?” he asked, his voice deeper than usual.

  “Hillya’s,” I replied. “I didn’t expect you to come here last night.”

  His brows drew together. “I called and texted you several times.”

  This was so hard. Even after all I knew, I loved him. I couldn’t forgive him, but I couldn’t stop loving him either. “I turned off my phone.”

  “Why?”

  He was angry with me. It was clear on his face. He was here ready to accuse me of something. Did he honestly think I was lying to him? The irony of it all struck me and my exhaustion from his betrayal didn’t mix well. My temper flared for the first time since I had been told about him and Isla.

  “Oh, I don’t know Saul. Maybe because you went to your married girlfriend’s house first before you came here? That might have been a reason for me not to want to talk to you.”

  His eyes narrowed and he took a step toward me. “What?” he finally asked.

  He wasn’t going to admit it. Instead he was looking at me as if I was making this up. The way a guy looks at a girl he thinks is crazy. Anger coursed through me. Anger that he had hurt me, that he had made me love him, that he had lied to me. Anger that he would have an affair with a married woman. A mother with a child!

  “You heard me,” I shouted. “I know where you went last night and that’s not the first time I’ve seen you with Isla. I saw you before at the Hendrix, but I convinced myself that it was innocent. Even after I asked what you did that day and you lied to me. You never said a word about seeing Isla. Then you don’t tell me you’re coming home. You go straight to her house to see her. Jesus, Saul! Do you not have any morals? She is married. She has a child! I understand that you have had a hard life. I get it. I have seen what you go through. That doesn’t give you an excuse for sleeping with a married woman. Forget that you lied to me and told me we were exclusive. Forget that you cheated on me. We haven’t been together that long. We weren’t serious enough. Whatever but she is married!” I stopped, needing to breathe. I had been yelling. All the pain inside had finally burst free and I blurted it all out. It didn’t make me feel better just as my tears hadn’t taken away any of the sorrow. Maybe in time but not yet.

  Saul’s expression was now blank. There was no reaction. No anger, no remorse, no anything. We stood there, me glaring at him and breathing hard. Him cold and calm. I was sure my heart had broken enough, but in those seconds, I could have sworn it splintered into a million pieces.

  “Is that all?” he asked, breaking the silence.

  I couldn’t speak. I just stood there wishing he would say something to make this better. Something that made sense. I wished… I wished… he cared just a fraction of how much I did.

  I stood there even after he walked past me.

  I stood there after he got into his truck and I heard the door close.

  I stood there when the engine started up and the shells in the driveway sounded like gravel as his tires backed out onto the road.

  I stood there until I no longer heard the engine.

  Then I walked up the stairs, unlocked the door, walked inside and crumpled to the floor as sobs shook my body.

  It was like this that Rio found me. I didn’t look up at him when he said my name. When he bent down and wrapped his arms around me, I didn’t hear what he said. My sobbing subsided and a numbness began to ease over me. It seemed like a dream when Rio stood me up and walked me back to the bedroom. Once I was lying down, he covered me up and walked out, closing my bedroom door behind him.

  The week passed and I managed to pull myself together. Rio had moved into the guest bedroom at some point while I was at work the next day. Hillya had told me to stay home, but I needed to work. Staying home meant thinking. I didn’t want to think. Thinking always led to Saul. It was easier to stay busy.

  I didn’t ask Rio about what had happened between him and Saul. I couldn’t say his name and I didn’t want to hear it spoken. I knew though from things he had said that after he found me that he and Saul had a falling out. That was what I didn’t want to happen, but I didn’t have a way to fix it. I hadn’t set this ball in motion. Saul had.

  When Sunday came, I didn’t want to take the day off, but Hillya insisted. My distraction came however in the form of my mother. I was brushing my teeth, trying to think of something to do to fill my day when Rio called down the hall. “Uh, Henley, you got company.”

  I spit the toothpaste out of my mouth and hadn’t even rinsed it yet when I heard her footsteps followed by, “Why the hell have you not been answering my calls?”

  I dried my mouth and turned to look at her. “Hello, Mother.”

  “Don’t start with me. You’ve ignored me about this will and forced me to come to this… this place. We have to discuss what we are going to do with the house and you have some guy here with you? Already? Seriously, Henley what has gotten into you?” My mother’s loud, annoyed tone was not for this specific occasion. She spoke this way to me most of the time.

  I walked past her and toward the kitchen. “Good to see you too,” I replied.

  Rio was eating a bowl of cereal and sitting at the bar when I walked in the room. His eyes went wide when he saw me. I hadn’t heard her come in so there was no telling what she said to him.

  “Do not walk away from me. I had to take off work to drive down here,” my mother said as she followed me into the kitchen. Her high heels clicking against the hardwoods.

  “You didn’t have to do anything, Mom. You chose to,” I replied and reached for a coffee cup. I had just brushed my teeth, but I needed more caffeine to deal with her and some whiskey would help.

  “We have to make a decision about the house and my daughter wouldn’t answer my calls. I had no choice,” she informed me.

  I looked at her. “We don’t have a decision to make. The will states
the house is mine. Not ours. Mine. Me. It’s mine.”

  She glared at me. “And you know what to do with it?” She pointed at Rio. “You move here to do some ridiculous list for my mother and end up shacking up with some guy you just met. That’s not maturity, Henley. It’s foolishness.”

  I took a drink of my coffee before responding. “I’m not shacking up with him. That would be disgusting since he’s my brother and all. Remember Rebel, my dad, well, this would be his son.” I looked at Rio. “Rio meet Lyra Warren, my mother. Mother this is Rio March. I’m sure you remember his mother, Manda March. Since y’all once loved the same guy.”

  My mother’s face paled. Finally she was at a loss for words. I took advantage of it. “Gran’s list wasn’t ridiculous stuff she wanted me to take to people at her death. No, it was much more than that. Gran led me on a path and along the way I found Hillya, you know my other grandmother, and Rio here.”

  My mother looked at Rio then back at me. “You spoke to Hillya?” she asked.

  “Daily. I work for her,” I replied then took another sip of my coffee. I couldn’t remember a time in my life I had spoken to my mother like this. But then before now, before this summer, I hadn’t known all the lies she had fed me my entire life.

  “Can we talk about this in private?” she asked with her teeth clenched.

  “Nope. Rio can hear whatever you have to say and as you can see he is eating,” I told her.

  My mother shot him an annoyed glare then crossed her arms over her chest. “So you find out these things and you are now planning on what? Staying here in The Shores? Working at a coffee shop for Hillya? You have one year left of college, remember? Or did you decide to settle down here and give up your dreams of owning your own boutique?”