by Linda Kage
I had one badass girlfriend.
After her abductor had waited for her to crawl fully out of the storm shelter where he’d kept her with no food or water for nearly three days, she’d fought him with nothing but her willpower. She’d been feverish, half frozen and nearly starved to death, shaky from fatigue and exposure, and he’d been twice her size, brandishing a knife. She explained how she’d had to let him get in close first and then preoccupied him with removing her coat before she’d fought back. I don’t think she was even sure how she’d accomplished it, but as I took a moment to try to imagine what it’d had to feel like for her attacker’s breath to waft across her face while his lifeblood poured through her fingers, I shuddered, not sure if I would’ve been able to do what she’d had to do to survive.
I glanced to the side because the haunted look in her eyes as she spoke made it twice as hard to listen to.
Once she’d realized he was dead, she’d had to search his pockets for his cell phone and call for help. When they asked her why she hadn’t called 911 first thing, she shook her head.
“I don’t know. I just…I wasn’t thinking. I only wanted Colton, except I couldn’t remember his number. I couldn’t remember any number except my work number. So I called there, knowing they could get him. I…I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“You did just fine, baby doll,” I murmured, kissing her knuckles. “You did perfect.” She’d gotten help and that was all that mattered.
The detectives didn’t stay too long after that. They could see on Juli’s face how exhausted she was. But they did stay long enough to tell her the name of her attacker and confirm that the story he’d told her about his mother’s death matched what they knew about him.
Once just the three of us were left in the room again, Julianna looked up at me. Her eyes were wide with fear as they sought reassurance.
“It’s okay,” I told her, kissing her forehead. “All that’s over now. You can sleep.”
“You’ll stay?” she asked.
I nodded. “Of course.”
Finally, feeling safe enough to close her eyes, she curled onto her side and tucked her hand up by her face. I swear she passed out a second later; she was that exhausted.
I sat there, still holding her hand and watched her sleep peacefully.
Then I stroked her hair, only for a chunk to come off in my hand. I gaped at the dark dried strands in horror before turning my attention back to the bald patch I’d just made.
“No.”
Someone had kidnapped her, imprisoned her, left her there to starve and freeze, then tried to rape and kill her, and she was fucking going to lose her hair on top of that? The fingernails she took such meticulous care of were already destroyed. Wasn’t that enough torture? Not her hair too.
That was a tipping point for me. I got pissed. More than pissed.
“Motherfucker,” I hissed.
That shit stain had taken three days of her life, filled her with a whole new batch of night terrors, and now he was making her hair fall out? I wanted to find his corpse and kill him all over again. I wanted to yell and break something. I wanted to cry and drink myself into oblivion.
Her entire life had just completely changed. That was all there was to it. She could never really be the same again.
Swiftly following my rage, the guilt came.
I didn’t think I’d ever hated myself as much as I did in that moment. Because this was all my fault. He never would’ve even met her if I hadn’t insisted we go out to eat that night. He never would’ve targeted her if I hadn’t gotten into that fight with him.
Why was I the only one she wanted near her now?
I didn’t deserve it.
This wasn’t the first time someone I cared for deeply had gotten hurt because of me, and it wasn’t the first time I’d been forgiven immediately as if I’d done nothing wrong.
It made me want to scream because I wanted to pay for my sins more than this. I was a fucking cancer. Loving me ended up hurting people. I should just—
A hand touched my shoulder, making me jump.
“I think you need to take a walk, kid.”
Looking up at Juli’s dad, I shook my head. “She asked me to stay.” Everything else I’d done had been wrong, the least I could do right was the one thing she’d asked of me: to stay with her.
But he didn’t look angry or irritated with me. He looked sympathetic.
“And you’re about to lose it,” he said softly. “So go take a break before she wakes up to you going hysterical.”
I really was on the brink of totally losing my shit. Her dad was right. No way could I have a breakdown in front of her. Curling my hands into fists, I stood. “I’ll be right back.” Then I left the room.
When I exited, however, I slowed to a stop when I saw so many familiar faces hanging out in the hallway, waiting for news.
Turning to Juli’s two roommates who approached first, I sent them a tired smile “The last few days have been a nightmare for her, but she’s going to be okay. She’s resting right now. Before she wakes up, do you think you could get a couple things from her apartment for me?”
They nodded. “Of course. Anything.”
I listed off the items I wanted them to bring back. The things I mentioned made them misty-eyed and earned me a hug before they took off.
Next came my family, who’d been anxiously hovering and waiting for their chance to check on me. They surged forward all at the same time.
“Are you okay?” Aspen asked, drawing me into a hug.
I hugged her back and admitted, “No. I don’t…I can’t stop thinking about what she told the police. I honestly don’t know how she survived.”
Her eyes filled with worry before she kissed my cheek and stood back to let Caroline hug me next. “Bubba. You got her back, just keep focusing on that.”
I nodded. “I’m trying.” But fuck, after hearing what I’d just heard…I really wanted to hit something.
“Colton,” Brandt started, his gaze full of apology.
I lifted my hand. “Not now.”
“Give him some space,” Noel told Brandt as he patted my shoulder and nudged me to walk it off by myself down the hall.
Grateful for the moment alone, I began to walk, not paying attention to where I was going or even really caring. I just needed to move, to keep from thinking about—
Dammit. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
When I passed the hospital’s chapel and saw that it looked empty through the window, I ducked inside before slumping into a pew in the back and cradling my face in my hands as I rested my elbows on my knees.
It really didn’t help to clear my head. In fact, I think my brain only filled with more and more shit to bother me. My hands were shaking and my breathing was labored when the door behind me opened.
Julianna’s father took a pew seat in front of me, watching me closely.
I sent him a dark look, braced and almost eager for him to sling more shit my way. I deserved it. Craved it.
“Go ahead and say it,” I ordered.
But he only gave a heavy sigh before answering, “I don’t have anything to say. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Okay?” I snorted. “How the fuck could I be okay? You heard her story. You heard who took her. You know why.”
He should hate me right now. This was all my fault.
“Yes,” he answered, calmly. “I heard her story and I know why she was taken.”
Then he’d better hate me.
But when he didn’t say any such thing, I grew irritable.
“You were right, you know,” I said. “I shouldn’t have ever been with her. Look what happened. He targeted her because of me because I was with her. I almost got her killed. She’s been traumatized. This is going to haunt her for the rest of her life. And that’s on me. If I’d just left her alone... Jesus,” I whispered, burying my face back into my hands, trying to hide from my shame.
I had ruined
the most important person in my life.
Her father sat quietly until he was sure I was done talking. Then he heaved out another sigh and asked, “You about done being a drama queen yet?”
I lifted my face, frowning. “What?”
His brow went up. “Son, do you really know why I didn’t approve of you being with her?”
I blinked, confused. “Because I’m white,” I said slowly.
Except looking at his expression now, I suddenly wasn’t so sure.
He rolled his eyes. “Not even close. I’ve been around enough people, of all shapes and sizes and races to know better than that. At the end of the day, none of that matters. We’re all just people. We love. We hope. We fear. We hurt. The packaging on the outside is just that, pretty packaging to decorate the world and make it a beautiful, colorful, assorted place. It’s the gift inside that counts. And some people are going to misuse their gift, while some are going to enrich the lives of others and themselves with it. It didn’t matter to me how you were packaged, Colton.”
“Then...” I shook my head, unable to believe what I was hearing. “Why didn’t you like me?”
“I didn’t like you because my Juli Bug felt the need to hide her relationship with you from me. That told me there had to be something about you she thought I should condemn.”
“But she was only worried about the white thing,” I started, making him lift his hand and shake his head.
“I know, I know. I realize that now. And I’m sure that’s my fault. I took my work home with me too often. She no doubt heard me make some comments in the past that sounded pretty bad. My job is to hunt down instances where a minority has been mistreated. But I’ve also seen it happen the other way around. I’ve seen some awful things come from all kinds of people. It never fails to shock me how cruel the world can be.”
I glanced toward the direction of Julianna’s hospital room, where she currently slept, battered and bruised. “Yeah,” I said, feeling that kind of shock myself.
He smiled sadly and patted my shoulder. “But I’ve also seen some amazing things, some heart-touching things where two completely diverse groups have come together and made miracles happen. That’s what impresses me most, you know, when two complete opposites mix and create something grand together, using both of their unique backgrounds to accomplish one goal. And yet...”
He shook his head as if ashamed of himself. “That’s exactly what made me wary about you. You were too flashy. Everything I learned about you from watching your Vine channel and the salutatorian address that was posted on YouTube at your high school graduation, it all told me you didn’t mind being the center of attention.” Then he shrugged. “My Julianna dreads attention.”
I nodded, knowing this. “Yeah,” I said. “Her biggest fear is having someone look her way and see anything less than perfect.”
“Exactly,” her father agreed. “I was so sure that her being with you would drag her into some spotlight she despised, and then you’d leave her floundering there because you came across as the kind of person who cared more for yourself than anyone else. You’d just flitter off, abandoning her, as soon as something else caught your attention. I couldn’t see how you could be any good for her.”
“And now?” I had to ask, holding my breath as I waited for his answer.
“And now,” he said with a weary sigh. “I’ve watched you put her needs before anything else. I’ve seen you take care of her like a man tending to his wounded mate. And I’ve finally come to realize you two have formed one of those unique, diverse alliances that impress me most. I think your flamboyance is just the thing to offset her structured ways. You’re exactly what she needs in her life.”
I shook my head, unable to accept his acceptance of me. “But he never would’ve gone after her if I hadn’t gotten into that fight with him.”
“Son,” he said in that strong, powerful voice of his. “You were defending my little girl. Don’t ever stop doing that. And excuse my language, but bullshit he chose her because of you. He chose her because he was full of hate. If he hadn’t taken her, he’d have taken some other black girl he came across, and she might not have been able to handle herself as well as my Juli Bug did. You did well. Believe that. Always.”
JULIANNA’S CHAPTER | 36
Chad’s words were flowing through my head as I came awake.
We’re all basically the same. We smile when we’re happy, cry when we’re sad, eat when we’re hungry, sleep when we’re tired.
Then I pictured Colton weaving his fingers through mine and examining the contrast we made together, like piano keys.
And then the strange dream was gone. I was suddenly awake, afraid and frozen before I realized I wasn’t in my concrete cave anymore. And I wasn’t even cold. I was in a bed with lights and warmth and soft blankets and pillows.
A rustling sound made me tip my face that way and open my eyes to watch Colton hang a dream catcher in the window. His back was to me, so he didn’t know I was awake yet. It gave me a moment to glance around the room and take in the fact I was still at the hospital. An IV was hooked to my arm and something seemed to be wrapped around my head. I lifted my sore arm and bandaged fingers slowly to feel silk with a top knot plastered to my forehead.
He’d gotten my head scarf and my favorite dream catcher from home.
It made me smile and love him even more.
“Looks good,” I tried to tell him as he fiddled with the dream catcher, spinning it to make it hang so I would see it from the front view and not the side it kept trying to twist and hang from.
He immediately whirled around, dropping his arms.
“Hey, you’re awake.” His smile, the very smile I’d wanted to see most when I’d been held prisoner, spread. He hopped down from the chair he’d been standing on and grabbed my cup from the tray to hand it to me.
I took it and began to gulp, before I sighed, refreshed, and asked, “How did you know I needed a drink?”
His eyes crinkled with amusement. “You were licking your lips. I figured you were either thirsty or you’d gotten too much of a thrill from checking out my ass while I was hanging your dream catcher.”
I swallowed a more healthy-sized gulp before saying, “Now that you mention it, I did enjoy watching your ass.”
He winked and his lips twitched into a grin. “Of course you did, baby doll. Who wouldn’t?”
“Conceited much?” I murmured, though I didn’t think I’d ever loved him as much as I did in that moment. I’d just survived the worst three days of my life and there he sat, making me smile, genuinely smile.
Tears filled my eyes, and they weren’t distressed tears...or at least, they weren’t all distressed tears. I was just so happy and grateful to be alive, out of that hole, and with him again.
More tears flooded my cheeks. My chin quivered because I tried so hard to stop them but couldn’t. “I love you so much,” I sobbed.
His expression broke. “Jesus, baby doll,” he rasped before his features contorted with pain and his eyes went wet. He pressed his forehead to mine and seemed to breathe warmth into me. “I love you too. So fucking much.”
I cupped his cheek but was startled by the prickle of stubble. When I pulled my hand back, I studied this new look on him, blinking. “You haven’t shaved.”
He gave a watery laugh and wiped at his face. “Shaving was kind of the last thing on my mind after you went missing.”
I brought my fingers back to his cheek. “I kind of like it.”
Closing his eyes, he pressed his cheek deeper into my palm. “Then I’ll keep it this way.”
Studying his eyes further when he reopened them, I frowned. They were bloodshot and the bags under them seemed to be growing bags of their own. “When was the last time you slept?”
He shook his head. “I don’t think you understand, baby doll. You went missing. Totally fucking missing. No one knew where you were, who had taken you, if you were okay, or...” His voice cracked. “Or if you were even a
live. It scared the shit out of me. I didn’t do much of anything but freak the fuck out while you were gone.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, wishing I could take away his anguish.
He blinked at me as if he couldn’t believe I would ever say that to him. “You’re sorry?” he spat incredulously. “You don’t have a single thing to be sorry for. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’ve been sitting here, whining about how scared I’ve been when you’re the one who just went through hell and back, and it was my fault he chose you. He—”
“How was that your fault?” I shook my head, confused.
“You told me to walk away that night.” Grief filled his face. “When I got into the fight with him.” He motioned to his black eye to remind me. “You told me to let it go. But I didn’t. And he ended up going to jail because I wouldn’t leave when you suggested it. And when he got out, he went after you because of me.”
“Colton, baby.” I stroked his newly roughened cheek gently. “Stop being a dumbass. He chose me because he was a racist son of a bitch who let his misery morph into hatred. He was just looking for a reason to snap. It was going to happen whether he ever met us or not. He was going to take some girl no matter what.”
He shook his head and huffed out a quiet sound of disagreement. “That’s what your dad said. But I still can’t help wishing he had taken someone else.”
My smile was full of agony. “Me too.”
As I watched him wipe his eyes, the last few days hit me all over again like a lead anvil.
“I can’t believe I...” A numb kind of shock filled me and I looked up at the ceiling, not sure what to feel. “I killed someone,” I stated aloud as if I needed to hear the words to really experience them. Never in my life had I thought I’d ever have the need or ability to murder. And yet I had.
It felt so unreal. When it finally hit me—I mean, really sank in—that I’d taken someone’s life, I was probably going to need a lot of therapy.
Colton began to stroke my arm. “I hate, absolutely hate, that you had to do that, but I’m glad you did. I’m glad you did whatever you had to do to stay alive, so you could make it back to me again, because the truth is, I’m not even remotely equipped to live without you right now.”