by Tijan
His hand went to my face, his thumb on my bottom lip. He traced it, and I couldn’t suppress a shiver.
It wasn’t a bad shiver. That was the problem. I would never understand my reaction to him.
He stepped back, his hand falling away, and triumph flared in his eyes. “Sleep tonight, Riley. That is all I ask of you.” He moved to the other side of the bed.
I slipped under the covers and felt the bed move as he joined me. The light went off a second after that.
“What happens if I kill you in your sleep?” I asked. “You trust me to sleep here, with you?”
He laughed softly. “No, but for some reason I can’t make myself have the men take you away. So for now, you stay. If you kill me, then you’ll die as well.”
“Are you going to hurt your sister when you get her back?”
He didn’t laugh this time. “She thinks I will, but no. She ran with the wrong assumption in her mind. That is all I can say.”
“Why?”
He sighed, barely a foot away from me. I could feel it.
“Tomorrow we can talk. Perhaps you’ll find some answers. Until then, I am tired. I have been traveling all day and had many meetings. I want to sleep. Sleep, Riley.”
But I didn’t, even long after he did.
I heard his breathing even out, and I tried rallying inside.
I made myself remember that male Hider. I remembered seeing the guard pull the trigger, the spray of blood, and the way his body slumped to the floor.
He died because of me, and I vowed I would find his family.
I tried to summon the energy and courage to slip from the bed, get to the kitchen, and find a knife. I envisioned stabbing it deep inside Kai.
I had to make that guy’s death stand for something. I had to.
That promise was the only way to make it right in my head. Because instead of getting up, I fell asleep.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I slept three hours.
I could tell my body had caught up on sleep when I woke, because I felt good. I felt sane. And I watched Kai sleep for the next hour.
Now that I wasn’t sleep-deprived or in shock, I could think more clearly. I reviewed everything that had happened—with Kai, Tanner, Jonah, everyone, everything.
I was weak. That’s the only explanation I had for why I wasn’t running right now, or fighting right now.
I hadn’t had sex in six months. There was that too.
I was attracted to Kai Bennett. No matter who he was, that was just a fact. After last night—feeling my body wanting to go to him while my mind screamed at me to keep away—that was the only explanation I could justify. I was weak, and I hadn’t lusted after a man since that Tinder date. And even that guy’s effect on me had been minimal compared to Kai Bennett’s.
No. Brooke’s brother.
I had to pull back. I had to erect walls between him and me, because I knew what I needed to do. First names weren’t a part of it. Names weren’t a part of it. He was Brooke’s brother. He was the reason she’d run. He was Cord’s murderer, their father’s killer.
Murderer. Killer. He was those things too.
Hider training told us to strip away our humanity. It would be there in the times we needed it, but to get to the abused, we had to walk into hell. We had to be prepared for whatever was on the other side. When they’d taught us this, I’d thought of my mother. I’d thought about how she’d been beaten within an inch of her life, how he had left her to die and called someone else to take care of the body. That Hider—though my father had no idea he was with the Network—hadn’t known what he was walking into. If my father had caught him, backtracked for some reason, or followed up, that Hider would’ve had to kill him. Because if he hadn’t, I had no doubt Bruce Bello would’ve killed the Hider and my mother.
That’s what I needed to do this morning. I lie here, beside this man, and began to strip away my humanity.
When we Hiders opened the door, saw the survivor, realized the scene was safe, our humanity came back to us.
Except sometimes it didn’t.
I hated that, and I was ashamed because of it.
It was why we did what we did, but when we opened those doors, sometimes I didn’t feel a thing for the survivor. I wouldn’t feel a thing until we had already taken them where they needed to go. It was usually on the drive home that my humanity came back to me.
The car would be silent. I would be riding in the back or next to either Carol or Blade in the front, and I would gasp when it returned.
No one ever looked over at me. No one asked. I didn’t know if they knew or understood, but it wasn’t until then that I shed a tear for what we’d done. We’d helped someone, and I was grateful.
But I was also thankful because I’d gotten through it, and so had my team. Blade and Carol were like my family by now. I’d spent almost more time with them than anyone else. Almost.
Sitting up, I slipped from the bed, stood, and looked down at this man sleeping.
It wasn’t right, because at a time when I needed not to feel, that’s all I was doing. I still felt so much confusion over how I could lust so much for this murderer. I felt the same disgust with myself that I’d felt all those times when I’d needed to feel my heart and hadn’t.
I usually pushed it down. Now I didn’t.
I allowed the disgust to grow to loathing. I loathed myself. It filled every inch of my body, every pore, every cell, every hair until finally, finally it moved past me and onto him.
It was my own self-hatred, but I allowed it to spread beyond me.
I couldn’t think. If I did, it wouldn’t work. Padding around the bed, I did what I’d vowed to do two days ago.
There was a knife block in the kitchen, and I took one of the smaller ones. I knew it was just as sharp as the others, and I could wield it with better precision.
I went back to the bedroom.
The sun had begun to rise outside.
A small glimmer of light was beginning to warm the room. It was just enough. I could make out his sleeping form.
I paused in the doorway, gripping the knife.
I knew what would happen. If I killed him, he’d said I would die too. That meant I would have to do this, then bolt.
I probably wouldn’t make it, but I had to try. I would never get this chance again. I knew that with certainty. It was now or never.
I raised the knife—
—and his eyes opened.
I launched forward at the same time he shot upright. He caught me in the air. The knife flew out of my hand, and he rolled us so I was beneath him. I tried to fight, kicking at him, but he only shifted so his entire body was on top of me.
I tried to punch him; he grabbed my arms and slammed them down on the bed.
Every inch of him was plastered against me.
The whole thing happened in less than three seconds, and not a word was spoken between us.
His eyes were heated and angry, his jaw clenched. A vein stuck out in his neck. His eyebrows pulled together, and a buzz sounded at the door.
He cursed under his breath, jumping off the bed in one lithe movement. He pointed at me as he left the bedroom. “Stay.”
A moment later, he opened the apartment door. He had a brief conversation before the door shut again, and the lights in the apartment came on. He strode back into the bedroom. I hadn’t moved, and he glared at me a second.
“Get up. Get dressed. We’re leaving.”
There should’ve been a knot in my throat. But there wasn’t anything, just acceptance. My body was heated, my breathing shallow and fast.
I sat up. “Are you going to kill me?”
He snorted, pulling clothes out of his dresser. “Don’t tempt me.” His eyes raked over me. “Your Network called. They found Brooke.”
Brooke? No.
There was no way they could work that fast, even if there were two Blades. It was a trap. It had to be, but I didn’t say anything. This could be my opening. If I didn�
��t kill Kai, I could escape. I just had to be ready.
“Riley.”
Why did he have to sound so tired?
“Get dressed.”
He left. I heard the apartment door open, close, and lock a moment later.
The knife seemed to mock me where it lay on the floor. Ignoring it, I stood and dressed.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“Did you get in trouble last night?”
Tanner sidled up next to me as we waited on the front steps of the compound mansion. He looked toward Kai and the guards, who were chatting down on the driveway. It was early, around six-thirty, and a cool breeze shifted around us, along with a bit of fog. It gave an eerie feel to the atmosphere.
Which I wasn’t feeling. Because I was pissed.
I was mad I hadn’t made my move in the first place, instead of sleeping next to Kai. And I was mad that when I had made it, I’d failed. Somehow I was even mad that I’d made the move at all. Nothing made me happy this morning.
And I was still kidnapped. That put a damper on things too.
I scowled at Tanner. “Do not start.”
He bit back a laugh, jostling his shoulder with mine as I heard a groan behind us. Jonah came to stand on the other side of his brother, rubbing his hands together. He dropped the same EMT-like bag he’d had yesterday at his feet before reaching inside his jacket to adjust something. Then he hooked his bag back over his shoulder.
Both Tanner and I watched him.
Jonah looked over, raising an eyebrow. “What?”
“You’re going with us?” Tanner asked.
Jonah shrugged, holding back a yawn. “I figured I could get a ride. Kai just wanted me to come check on her.” He nodded to me. “And she looks good, so I have another rotation I want to finish before the weekend.”
Tanner looked at the sky before smiling wide and thumping his brother on the back. “Jonah’s in his second year of residency. He’s got what? How many years left before you’re a real surgeon?”
Jonah grimaced. “Five, you asshole. And I’m a surgeon now.”
“You know what I mean.” Tanner laughed, drawing the attention of a few of the guards and Kai, who were still talking on the driveway.
I hadn’t been ostracized or told to stand here by myself, but it must have looked like I was being punished, which Tanner had picked up on. It was probably me—I did feel like a child being disciplined. It was stupid. And irrational.
But mixed with the weirdness I was feeling about my failed attempt to kill Kai—regretting it and not at the same time—I was certifiably messed up. That was me.
I scowled because I hated feeling this way.
All my life, I’d known what I wanted. I was clear on my path.
Before Hillcrest, my sole purpose had been to avoid my father and tend to my mother. When I went to Hillcrest, my mission had been to learn, to have fun with Brooke, and to stay at Hillcrest as much as possible (even over the extended holidays). Then after Hillcrest, my goal had been to survive. That was it.
Everything changed when the 411 Network approached me.
After that, my purpose became being the best Hider operative I could be. That meant finishing my education, training, and accepting the post they assigned me to. My mother was in love with another man. They’d had another child and a second not long after that, and she was fulfilling her goal of just living. That was a big middle finger to Bruce Bello, though he didn’t know.
One day, I hoped to share the news with him that he’d failed in killing us. I included myself in that because I knew it would’ve happened one day if I’d stayed around. It’d been inevitable. A man like that never changed.
See? My whole life had been clear and concrete, until now. Now my head was all muddled up.
Despite my circumstances, I enjoyed spending time with Tanner and Jonah. Yet I was worried about Brooke. And I was kidnapped. I hated Kai Bennett. Or I thought so. Yes, I did. I did. But my body didn’t.
Fuck me.
I was a mess.
“Let’s move.” Kai stepped aside as an entire caravan of SUVs rolled in, stopping before us.
Tanner and Jonah started toward one of the middle ones. I followed until Kai called out, “You’re with me, slicer.”
I whipped my head around, narrowing my eyes.
Had there been a glimmer of a grin on his face? No. His expression was stoic, as it had been the whole time we stood there.
Tanner frowned. “Why? She can roll with us.”
Kai didn’t spare him a look, only ducked into an SUV two down from us. “She goes with me. That’s final.”
I didn’t miss the sympathetic look his brothers sent me before I went over. Kai had taken the seat farthest from the house, so I didn’t have to go around. A guard stood at my door, waiting for me, and I ducked inside, trying not to appreciate the warmth and aroma of sandalwood. It reminded me of back home, with Blade and Carol.
Kai had his briefcase open on his lap, and he was going through some papers. He gestured to the console in front of us, “There’s coffee or tea if you want it.” He shuffled one piece of paper behind the other. “It’s not scalding hot, in case you were tempted to throw it on me.” He shuffled a second paper behind the pile.
I stared at him.
There wasn’t anything else I could do. I didn’t know what to say, and a gurgling sound emerged from my throat. I gulped it down, embarrassed.
The guards closed the doors, and it was quiet. Almost peaceful.
I’d expected two rows of seats like in the SUV I’d ridden in to get here. But this one had just enough room for Kai and myself. Two doors opened in the front, but there was a separator between us and the guards. I couldn’t see them, or hear them, but I felt the SUV dip under their weight as they got inside.
What did one say in this situation? I’d tried to kill him. I’d failed. And now he was offering me coffee or tea.
“I had to try.” So I guess that’s what I was going to say.
He paused in moving the papers. I could see him look my way in the window’s reflection, and with a jolt, his eyes met mine there too.
He showed no emotion though. “I know.” And he went back to reading his papers. “I would’ve too.”
What? I looked, but he was ignoring me again.
Then the cars started, and I had a feeling this was how it was going to be for the entire trip. Total and complete silence.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I was right.
We were now on hour four, and my bladder was screaming. I hadn’t wanted to, but I’d succumbed to both the tea and the coffee. I drank the tea first, because that’s what I would’ve done at home. Tea and berries: my morning routine, along with a good workout or yoga. Blade sometimes joined me. Carol never did. She’d watch us do yoga and crack jokes while she crunched down on her chip of the week.
The tea hadn’t fulfilled me, and I’d itched for the coffee. After my two cups yesterday, I was starting to understand why everyone was obsessed with it. There was an addictive quality. I was now wanting to go to the bathroom and also wanting a second cup of coffee.
I was returning to my American roots, it seemed—not with the bathroom part, the coffee part. My mom used to love the stuff. So did my dad…
My stomach took a sudden dip down.
I hadn’t talked about Bruce Bello in years, and I was now sitting next to someone who knew him. Who knew the situation, fully.
“What is he like now?”
I asked the question before I realized I was going to. My voice sounded hoarse, as if I were half scared to ask, and I suppose I was. I was terrified of the answer.
Kai had settled down in his seat, reading on his computer, but he looked up.
I didn’t look over, but I could feel his gaze. I kept my head turned away.
I heard him close the computer. “Your father is one of the stupidest human beings I’ve ever met.”
I looked over.
His nostrils flared. His eyes were fierce
.
He folded his hands over his computer, holding my gaze. “I met him when I was fourteen. He was having a meeting with my father. He was a fool. My father used yours. He transported our drugs alongside his products, and your father had no idea until it was too late. There are many factors on which to base your father’s stupidity, but that was the first I remember.” He broke away, turning to his window. “There’s not been a good meeting with him since.”
That lump in my throat was back. Growing.
I pressed my hands together, sliding them between my legs to still the shaking. “You still do business with him?”
“He’s a means to an end. That is all.” Kai looked back, his gaze piercing through me. “Would you like me to stop working with him? If I do, he will go out of business. He will lose all his companies. Your cousin will leave him, if he hasn’t killed her by then. He will suffer.”
The way he said that, I could tell it wasn’t a new idea to him.
My lips parted. “That’s what you were going to do to him? I thought you said you’d kill him.”
He didn’t even blink. “I could do that easily. He would get angry, curse us, proclaim he doesn’t need us. He would be lying, though, and he would soon learn he needs us. He would come back to us, at some point. He would beg even. You could be there. You could walk out and shoot him, if you’d like.”
God.
He offered murder like he was offering me coffee.
I shook my head, my stomach twisting. “I don’t yearn to kill him.”
There was silence.
A full minute.
And then he said, “You’re a liar like your father.”
“I am not!” I hissed. “I am nothing like him.”
He quirked an eyebrow, undisturbed. “You want to kill your father. Admit that, at least to yourself. Just like you want to kill me, half the time.”
I closed my eyes. I wasn’t going to take that bait. He knew I was conflicted. He was too. So maybe because of that, I confessed.