“The goldfish.”
“Yes, Lola and Lulu.”
I sighed, completely torn. “Ashton—”
“Please, Callum, you said I could call on you anytime, and I’m calling on you to listen. Please.”
I leaned back in the chair. “I’m listening. Go ahead. Talk.”
He glanced around him and shifted nervously in his chair. “Can we go somewhere more private? Like your apartment?”
“You can say whatever you need to right here.”
“It’s about the night my father and brother died.”
Shit. My heart softened. All this tough-guy bullshit was exactly that. Bullshit.
Without a word, I got to my feet and indicated to Phil that I was going upstairs. Panic flashed across his face, disappointment. He didn’t think I should go anywhere with Ashton, but he nodded.
“I guess he hates me even more now,” Ashton said softly as he followed me from the coffee shop.
“You’re breaking his best friend’s heart. Kind of comes with the territory.”
“Callum—”
“Not here.”
Once we were inside the apartment, I had a mini moment of panic. Had I done the right thing bringing him back here? I should be avoiding him. It was bad enough I’d promised to be there for him if he needed me.
This wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I’d extended that invitation to him. Not talking over issues he apparently still had with the death of his father and brother. If he needed to get something off his chest, though, I’d give him a listening ear.
We went to the kitchen. Probably not a good idea. All the laughter we’d had here mocked me. The first time I fucked him on this table, the empty space on the wall where the wooden spatula used to hang before we started to incorporate it in our sex games.
But where else would I take him? We’d literally fucked each other in every nook and cranny of this small apartment.
“Need anything?” I took a bottle of water from the fridge, just to have something to do. I hated the way this boy had me all knotted up and uncertain about everything.
“No, I’m fine.”
I didn’t sit across from him at the table. That would be way too close for my comfort. I leaned against the counter and caught him watching me. His face turned pink, and my cock twitched. The air was charged…crackled with sexual tension.
Some things never change.
“You said you wanted to talk.”
He dropped his eyes to the table. “Umm, okay. I wanted to explain why I went off on you that night.”
The night he’d freaked out and punched me. The night everything had changed between us. My nose still ached if I rubbed it too hard, but at least I hadn’t needed to go to the emergency room.
“It was that spot my father’s car lost control,” he said, running his index finger over the surface. His eyes were unfocused as he continued to trace imaginary lines. “And it was my fault.”
I shouldn’t be sucked into this again. No matter how good his excuses were, he was an alcoholic, and if I allowed him to worm his way back into my life, then I would’ve failed. Him. And myself.
“I’m sure that’s not true.”
He raised his head, and the pain etched on his beautiful face gripped me.
“But I did.” He shook his head as if clearing some mental fog. “I can’t blame their death on me drinking. I’ve been drinking since I was fifteen. There’s no shortage of alcohol in our house, but it was never serious. Just something to do to brag to the other kids. My brother left kind of the Goody Two-shoes image in his wake. Not that I mean that in a bad way. It’s just that I could never measure up, so I found my own way to leave a mark. I was the goof. The fuckup.”
“Ashton—”
“No, please, Callum, I need to finish. For once, I’m going to do the right thing, which means you need to know.”
“All right, go on.”
“I’m an alcoholic.” It was the first time I’d ever hear him say it without being coerced. “And I think I’ve been one for some time. It started as binge drinking with my friends. One night I got shitfaced, and they played a prank on me. They dumped my drunk ass on the streets and left me wearing nothing but my underwear and my cell phone.”
My heart galloped in my chest as the story unfolded. I could sense that something horrible was coming. I could already guess what it would be, and with that sort of guilt he carried plus his friendliness with alcohol already, it was a wonder he was even still functioning right now.
“I didn’t know who else to call.” His voice was barely a whisper now. “I could’ve called a cab, but they took my wallet too. The local media was already splashing everything I did on their website and printed papers, so I was afraid of calling anyone I couldn’t trust. I called Jake. He was supposed to have gone to the airport with my father that night. They had a late-night flight to England for some business deal.
“My father was livid when they got there. They both were. They intended to drop me off at home, then continue to the airport. He was shouting at me, not wearing his seat belt, and decided to take a shorter route.”
Oh shit, he’d been there when it happened. Nothing I’d read about the incident indicated Ashton had been present.
“He hit a pothole in the road, and it slashed the tire on impact. The car got out of control, and the airbags were deployed. I was in the back, so I escaped the impact. They were trapped.”
“Ashton.” With a few strides, I reached his side and crouched to pull him in my arms. The pain in each shuddering breath he took tore at me.
“It was my fault,” he mumbled. “I couldn’t get them out of the car with the seat belt in the way, and the car overturned. I was too drunk to function properly. I swear I didn’t want to leave them, Callum. I didn’t want to leave them.”
“Of course you didn’t, baby. They were your family. You loved them.”
“Dad was unconscious, but Jake was awake and told me to get help, so I did. I crawled out of the back and started back to the main road when I heard the explosion.”
“Oh my god, Ashton. My poor baby.”
He cried openly now, clinging to my chest. “I panicked. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran, and I hid in that corner where you brought me the other night and spanked me with your belt. It’s why I freaked out.”
“I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know.”
“I’m a horrible person, Callum.” He wailed, sobs choking off his words. “I just left them there to die. I didn’t even help them.”
“There’s nothing else you could’ve done. You did your best.”
He shook his head. “I should’ve died with them. I shouldn’t have survived. I ran, Callum.”
“No, you listen to me.” I pulled back and held his face in my hands. So much made sense now. I knew exactly what guilt felt like. I was saddled with a boy I no longer loved for the rest of my life because of that guilt. What Ashton had gone through would’ve changed his life forever.
“You are brave and strong.” I kissed his forehead. “You were meant to survive that fire, but, baby, you’ve got to make your second chance worth it. You have such a bright future if you’d only see it. You’re smart and sexy. You have a heart of gold. If you just gave yourself a chance, you’d see the only person standing in your way is you.”
Chapter Twenty
Ashton
It felt good being in Callum’s arms again. Such warmth and love. Oh god, I still felt the outpouring of his love despite what I’d just confessed.
I’d left my father and brother to die. Then I ran.
It was more out of shock than anything else. The alcohol I’d consumed had finally managed to knock me out in that dark alley. When I woke up, the wreckage had been moved, and only the police tape remained behind.
“What happened after?” Callum asked me, and I stiffened.
As if that night hadn’t been going bad already, the whole situation with Louis had cropped up
right then.
“When I came to, I was still pretty shaken.” As much as I didn’t like rehashing this part of the night, I’d tell him everything once and for all. “After throwing up my guts, I called the only person I trusted with something that huge. Louis.”
From the way his body went rigid, he’d made the connection.
“Louis and I clicked when I started college,” I said. “We were pretty close. He was like a brother to me. It was natural for me to call him. He picked me up, and because I was still pretty much out of it, he brought me back to his dorm.”
“I told him everything.” I burrowed deeper into his chest. “I remember sitting on his lap, crying and telling him everything. He said he wouldn’t tell anyone. That it would just be our secret. Next thing I knew his tongue was in my mouth, and he was kissing me. I was shocked at first, then pushed him away. I thought it was a misunderstanding, but it wasn’t. He-he wanted to sleep with me, and when I said no, he got really nasty about it. Said I was easy with other guys and accused me of being a cocktease. He’s been tormenting me since.”
“Even while we were together?”
I nodded, unable to look at him as I admitted it to him. “I don’t know what happened. He never showed any interest in me. At least not that I saw. I can’t believe how far he went. I should’ve reported him the day he punched me in the face on campus.”
Callum’s eyes narrowed on me. “You mean you lied to me when I asked you how you got that bruise?”
“Yes, I didn’t want you to know.”
He closed his eyes briefly, and I watched the conflict that crossed his face. He sighed and dropped his hands. “Ash, I’m sorry about everything you’ve been through. Trust me, I understand now more than ever how difficult things have been for you.”
“My life’s been one giant clusterfuck, Cal, and I shouldn’t have dragged you into it.”
“You didn’t drag me. I walked into it, knowing what I was getting into. My experience with Mario should’ve been a huge red flag, but you still managed to suck me in.”
I patted his cheek. “You have a weakness for damaged boys.”
He captured my hand and brought the palm to his lips. “I have a weakness for you.”
I moved closer to him. “Show me.”
He withdrew, pulling away from me. “Ash, I can’t. We can’t keep doing this back-and-forth. It’s toxic as hell. It’s not just you either. I’m also to blame for going along with this madness between us.”
I slid off the chair and stood before him. “My flight for Texas leaves tomorrow, Callum. Give me this, please. Can I call you Daddy one last time?”
He swallowed, scratching the back of his neck, then let out an explosion of breath. He nodded, and a light sparked inside me.
“But there are rules.”
I blinked up at him innocently. Rules. He always had rules, but when I broke them, I often got away with them.
“I’ll give you what you want because I need it too,” he said. “But you don’t have my permission to call me Daddy.”
I sucked in a deep breath at the pain that lanced through my chest. Not calling him Daddy while we made love. I’d never done that before.
“That’s the deal, Ashton. Take it or leave it.”
“I’ll take it.”
I’d take him any way I got him. I wouldn’t see him for six weeks, and I needed this last moment with him. Six weeks was a long time. A lot could change. People moved on in less time than that and started a whole new life.
“Then come with me.”
We walked to the bedroom, where I stood awkwardly. There was nothing new about the space, but I felt like we were two strangers who’d just met on a hookup app who wanted a quick fix and nothing more.
This wasn’t what I wanted out of our last time. But I’d take it. If this was all he had left to give me after all I’d done to him…to us…then I’d take it all.
“Strip and get on the bed.”
My hands shook as I undressed. Callum did the same on the other side of the room. He was so far away. I wanted my mouth on him. Anywhere he wanted me to kiss him. I’d kiss his feet if that was what he wanted from me.
“I don’t care how far gone we are,” he said when he was fully naked before me. “If you call me Daddy, Ash, even when I’m deep inside you, this stops.”
I nodded my understanding, dropping my eyes to the bed so he didn’t see how much his words hurt. Not calling him Daddy was like telling me not to breathe. Only this time it wasn’t my lungs that hurt. It was my heart.
This was the most awkward sex I’d ever had. I’d had sex with strangers many times. Callum was treating me like a stranger when we were in love. I couldn’t blame him for trying to protect his heart. I’d gouged out my share of it already.
He came down on me on the bed, his arms braced on either side of my head. Our lips met in a tentative kiss, which he broke before I could deepen it. I closed my eyes to blot out the tears that burned behind my eyelids.
Callum’s lips traced down my neck, over my shoulders, and to my nipples. No matter how much he tried, he wasn’t able to take the care out of his touch. His hands caressed my legs, rubbed against my thighs as I raised one foot to plant on the bed.
I forgot about broken hearts and the lonely nights ahead. Empty chatter and thoughts that would never be voiced. Of desire that would be left unfulfilled.
I needed to take all I could from this moment. Needed to remember the pressure of his lips tugging at my nipple, the way he licked the tight buds into painful erection that had me digging my hands into the sheet and arching my back.
“Callum, please.”
He shouldered my legs apart to take the tip of my cock between his lips. I wrapped my hands around his neck, palming the back of his head as I thrust, my hips undulating in earnest.
“Let me get the lube and a condom.”
I ran my hands over his body as he shifted away from me. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him he didn’t have to use one. That I hadn’t been with anyone else besides him, but bringing that up would only ruin the moment.
I didn’t want him to flat out tell me he didn’t trust me anymore.
He slicked up his condom-sheathed cock and brought two fingers to my hole. I pulled my knees up to my chest and watched him, biting on my bottom lip for fear that I’d ruin the moment with the forbidden word.
“I’m going to miss this,” he said on a ragged breath, fingers pushing deep inside my body. “Having you give yourself to me like this. No matter what issues we had, Ash, this was always good between us.”
“Yes,” I said on a sob when his fingers thrust deeper, harder. He stretched me with a third finger, and I panted, sweat dripping down my temple. “Please, put your dick inside me, Callum. I want to feel you days from now when I’m in Texas missing you.”
With a groan, Callum lined his cock up against my hole and, with one hard thrust, buried himself inside my body. I cried out at the way he bulldozed into me, but it was perfect. This was what I needed from him.
“Yes, please,” I whimpered. “Again.”
Callum pulled out and pistoned me hard and fast, over and over, driving me up against the headboard. He battered my hole with his merciless thrusts, his grunts accompanying my own cries of pleasure.
Fuck, it hurt. And it was so fucking good the way my body stretched itself around his fullness. He grabbed the headboard, my legs now resting over his shoulders as he pounded into me. I gripped the sheets and tried in futility to temper my sounds, but the more I cried, the more it incensed him.
“Jesus, I can never get enough of you, Ash.” His eyes bored into mine, and the torture on his face matched my own. “Never get enough of what it feels like to be inside you.”
“Feels so good,” I whimpered. “I don’t want to lose this with you forever. I can’t.”
“Then get better, Ash. Get better ’cause I can’t watch you crash and burn anymore. I can’t.”
His lips slammed down on mine
in the kiss I wanted, full of desire and heat. His tongue wrapped around mine, fucking my mouth the way his body was losing control in mine.
And then he slowed down, his pace turning languid but oh so fucking deep. I hated it when he did this. When he fucked me hard, he wrecked my body the way I loved, but when he made love to me so slowly, pressing himself so deep inside of me, he also wrecked my fucking soul.
“Callum, I can’t,” I cried out, tearing my mouth away from him. How was I supposed to leave him when he loved me like he wanted to keep me despite everything?
“You can.” He kissed my face, my closed eyelids. “Look at me. Look at me, Ash!”
My eyes flew open at Daddy’s command. It didn’t matter what he said. My lips might not be saying what my heart did, but the words only held so much power. My heart beat for him, and I suspected his for me. He could no longer stop the inevitable of what we were. Made for each other. Meant for each other.
“You can,” he said softly, running his hands between my body and the mattress to grip my ass and hold me firm. I couldn’t escape his thrusts, the way he ground everything inside me. “You can get better for you because the sex is out of this fucking world, but I’d give it up just to see you better.”
His lips came down on mine again. There was no use begging him to fuck me harder. He showered me with what I finally admitted was always hard for me to accept. The way he loved me.
It was real and so beautiful. The depth of his feelings for me poured into the chasm of hopelessness that I’d been existing in for so long. I cried out, clutching on to him as I came, my body shivering from the force of it. I came down from my high curled up in his arms.
“Callum,” I moaned his name. “You didn’t come?”
“It doesn’t matter,” he replied. “This was never about me, Ash. It’s all about you.”
I shook my head. “I won’t be selfish. Don’t let me be.”
I wiggled out of his arms and down to his waist, pushing him onto his back. I stripped him of the condom and caught his cock into my mouth. I needed to do this for him. He didn’t get to make me selfish with this one thing I could give.
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