Love Finds A Way

by C. P. Watson

  Jane’s fixing the candles on the cake, while Blue intently watches. He’s such a cute baby boy, and makes me think about having another kid. Not that I would. I have a grandkid coming soon, so that’ll do.

  “Janey, candle for me too?” So he knows her name already? Jane never wastes any time.

  “You’ll help me blow out mine, right?” I place Ethan’s present onto the table. Blue’s blonde curls are pulled back with the palm of his hand, before he stretches his arms for me to lift him up.

  “Mommy’s swinging birthday song?” Everyone begins to gather around, and I pull on his little nose teasingly. He giggles and smacks my hand away, while sucking on his thumb. As another song starts, my entire face flushes, since she’s directing the words to me—the birthday girl, “Mommy!” Bethany releases the microphone from it’s stand, and begins to walk over to me. Her voice is so beautiful, and makes the day so much brighter. Blue is gleaming and moving his head side to side, seemingly enjoying his mother’s voice.

  I look at the lit candles in front of me, and Blue’s leaning down to reach them. I bend a little, to position him in front of the candles.

  “Blow them,” I whisper, as I pretend to blow them out, but he actually does the work. He’s so giddy that I have to hold on tightly to him, before he falls.

  Everyone claps, while I notice Petah entering the house alongside some other girl. The way they’re walking beside each other makes what’s happening obvious.

  Not in my fucking house. She can fuck anyone anywhere else, but not where I live.

  Mary follows my gaze, and the look on her face can kill a demon, “I’ll deal with that,” she grumbles, walking away, while everyone gets back to chatting with each other.

  Most of my friends are at the far end of the yard, glasses of wine in their hands, while they stare at the singer. Yes, most of my friends are either lesbians or bisexuals, and even the straight ones seem to be giving her a second glance.

  “Bethany, you can enjoy the party now,” I insist, wanting to spend time with her rather than listen to her sing, not that her voice isn’t lovely.

  “I’m suppose to continue till ten,” it’s only four, how do you manage that? I shake my head, and fix my grip on the little boy in my arms.

  “Mommy, pwease stop sing? I wanna hug you,” he stretches for his mother and she takes him. I free her of the microphone, and place it onto the table.

  “Are you sure?” She’s so hesitant. I nod and place my hand on her arm. She quirks a brow, “you don’t need to worry, I’m not planning to sleep with anyone that knows you,” so she noticed my jealousy? Damn, I can’t hide anything from this woman!

  “Sleep, mommy?” I guess she forgot that Blue has ears. I smile widely, as he slips to the ground, and runs over to Jane.

  “He’ll be okay, she’s my eldest,” I hear loud voices coming from inside of the house, and become startled. Everyone must be accustomed to the racket by now, since there was one earlier too.

  “What’s that about?” Bethany asks, probably wondering if my family’s an abusive bunch. Well emotionally, yes, we can be.

  “Mary—” I remember that she went after her mother. I groan and head into the house, only to find Petah in a heated argument with Miss Hothead.

  “You’re such a fucking whore!” Mary screams, while the girl that Petah is with, sneaks out of the kitchen, probably deciding to leave. She seems to be the neighbor's teenage daughter. Oh my fucking god. What was Petah thinking?

  “Ask your mother what the definition of whore is, she’s been fucking anything and everything, and you all encourage it!” Bethany’s still beside me, and I feel so embarrassed that she’s hearing all of this. Just kill me now.

  “Just because she doesn’t want your sorry ass, doesn’t mean she’s a whore. You’ve been fucking around since I was born. You think I don’t know?”

  I realize that it’s time to get between the argument. Stepping forward, Petah shoots a glare my way, before noticing Bethany behind me. Her already red face, reddens even more.

  “You two stop,” I rub my temple, as I place my hand on Mary’s shoulder. She inhales a deep breath, as she looks at me with apologetic eyes.

  “I bet you’ve told her all the bad things about me? Does she even know that she’d have another sibling if you didn’t get rid of it?” My face flushes, as I think back to my one night stand all those years ago. I call it a one night stand, even though it was nothing close to consensual.

  “Wow, you’re too angry to be around the kids, Petah. Please go somewhere, anywhere else but here. Please?” My voice is almost breaking. And Mary grips my arm with so many questions probably in her mind.

  “Xo, I’m sorry, I—“ she finally realizes that she’s crossed the line. It’s the stupidest thing she can ever say to me, since I’ve told her about my abortion and the baby’s father in detail. She knows that I had every right to move on from that, and as she looks down to the floor, I place my hand over my stomach.

  I’ve never told the kids. And now, I just might have to. But not at this very moment, when Bethany stands only a few feet away from me.

  “I think I’ll call it a night. Thanks for the party, sweetheart. But I’m not feeling so well now,” I hug Mary and leave the kitchen, Bethany following me. I stop by the stairs and look into those blue eyes, consequently feeling better.

  “That was intense,” she says, her forced smile still making my heart stop.

  “Yeah, my ex can be a handful. Blue’s with Jane?” She nods, seeming to trust my kid with hers, “she’ll be a great mom.”

  “And you’ll be a great grandma,” I could sense a hint of teasing, “your daughters are something though. I didn’t know that it’s your birthday—“

  “Yeah, I didn’t know you’d be the singer either.”

  “Happy Birthday, Xiomara,” she leans in and places a kiss on my cheek. My entire face tingles, as I place my hand on her waist subconsciously.

  “I really like you, Bethany,” I admit, surprising even myself, “but I have too much going on, and you don’t need that in your life.”

  She smiles weakly and steps back, my heart aching. Why must I ruin her hopes everytime?

  “I understand,” she doesn’t seem too sad. Maybe she’s been rejected enough to accept it. It hurts me thinking that, but I’m glad that it’s not hurting her.

  “Enjoy the last moments of the party. I’m really going to call it a night.”

  * * *

  “I love all of you with all my heart. Your mom and I are just meant to be your parents, we’re not meant to be together anymore,” I recite what I’m going to say to my son, as I look at myself in the mirror.

  I’m frustrated that Mary now knows about my abortion. Thinking about it always makes me emotional. It’s been almost thirty years, yet it’s as though it was yesterday. That baby hasn’t left my mind, even with so many years gone.

  What would it be like to have five kids instead of four? Would it be amazing to have another one? I sigh. I regret it everyday, even though I probably would have done the same thing a second time around.

  When I hear a rap on my bedroom door, I’m startled. I assume that it’s Mary, since she texted me about bringing up something for me to eat.

  Swinging the door open, my breath is caught inside of my throat, “I just wanted to check on you,” I really need to give my daughter a piece of my mind. How else would Bethany know which room I’m in? Oh… right. Bethany’s been here before—naked and giving me some of the best orgasms of my life.

  “I’m fine. Just a headache,” I stand awkwardly by the door, contemplating whether to allow her in or not. My cheeks are red by now, and I can’t hold eye contact with her.

  “Since we’re just two people, without a complicated past… I’d love to work on the show,” I’m not too surprised, but I’m also disappointed. It means that we can’t be anything more than professional with each other, and that makes me sad.

  “That’s great. I’m so happy that y
ou finally came around,” I smile brightly for her, not wanting to reflect the pain inside of my heart.

  “I’m leaving now. Blue’s been having a blast with your daughters. I’m sure he’s going to cry on the way out,” I nibble on my bottom lip, “have a good night, Xiomara. Contact me whenever,” contact? That sounds so formal. Ugh. I feel like I’m going to fall flat on my face soon.

  “Bye,” she heads towards the stairs and I close my bedroom door. Leaning against the door, I close my eyes and feel them welling up. I’m so emotional for no reason at all.

  “Just breathe,” I whisper, as my chest begins to heave. This day has turned into one of my most emotional birthdays in a while.

  CHAPTER 5

  There’s nothing better than casting a brilliant actress. But in this case, the actress is Bethany, and she has me feeling a mixture of emotions at once. It’s been almost two weeks since I’ve seen her, and I didn’t realize how much I missed her until the moment my eyes landed on hers.

  “Xo?” Anderson nudges my shoulder, as he catches my stare. The smirk on his face makes me frown.

  “She’s so young,” I sigh, finally deciding to confide my feelings with someone. It’s been a hectic couple of weeks, and the only thing that’s consistent in my mind is that beautiful face of hers.

  “She’s old enough I’d day, and she’s just your type,” I look at him, quirking my brow.

  “My type?” He shrugs and wraps his arm around my shoulder, as he stands beside me.

  “Long hair, beautiful eyes, puffy lips, and a rocking body,” I scrunch up my nose.

  “I’m attracted to more than just a face, you know,” he laughs, as though I’m being sarcastic, but I’m really not.

  “Yeah, sure. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think about her?” He’s going to make me smack him. But he’s right, her beauty is a significant factor.

  “Fine. I’m into looks. Whatever,” I’m mumbling, as I continue to look at her move around the set, getting familiar with the layout.

  “Everyone’s into looks more than personality. I rather date a dummy, than a toad,” is mankind that close-minded? Probably, “All I’m saying, is that you’re attractive too, so go for it,” I scoff. He’s encouraging me, which I appreciate and dislike at the same time.

  * * *

  “Do you have a minute?” Bethany walks into my office, as I nod in approval. She’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt, nothing revealing. But I can still see every unblemished flesh of hers, as I look at her walk closer.

  “Feeling at home yet?” She smiles widely, but also sighs. I know she’s loving every second of it, but she’s probably still at odds with working alongside me.

  “Yeah, actually, it’s the perfect fit,” I wonder if Blue’s in daycare, or if her parents look after him while she’s away. Does she have a good relationship with her parents? I’m so old than mine are already dead. I lean back, as she takes a seat, my doubts unraveling once more.

  “I’m glad. I was surprised with the chemistry between you and Saskia. If I didn’t know better, I’d believe you two are actually sisters,” we did a test run earlier, and it went great. The only problem that I’m having is that the producer has been checking her out. It makes my entire chest burn and nostrils flare, and as usual, Anderson noticed.

  “Xiomara, are we okay? I know that this is pretty awkward for you.. cause, well, it’s awkward for me.”

  “You can be quite distracting,” I grin widely. Where did that come from? “I mean,” I rub the back of my neck, as she gets up and walks around my desk, “Bethany,” she lifts my chin and looks intently into my eyes. The urge to kiss her is overwhelming, and I don’t know if I should push her back, or wrap my arms around her waist and pull her closer.

  “We can be friends, right?” She’s asking for confirmation, and I really don’t want to give it to her. I don’t want to be your friend, Bethany. I want so much more…

  “Yes, of course,” I turn my face and clear my throat. She takes a step back, and I can sense her hesitation.

  “Okay then,” she moves from beside me, and heads for the door, “I’ll see you around, boss,” she gives me that heartwarming smile, before leaving my office.

  “Bye, Bethany,” I whisper, as I place my hand over my chest.

  * * *

  When I head home, Petah’s standing by my doorstep with a pair of sunglasses covering her eyes. I thought that she’d headed back to New York already, “if this has to do with your feelings, I’m really not in the mood,” she removes the sunglasses, and I notice that she’s been crying. Her eyes are so red, and streaks of tears have stained her pink cheeks.

  “I’m sorry, I—“

  “Come inside,” my heart immediately softens. I lead her into the living room, and we both sit on the loveseat.

  “I need you, Xo,” she whispers, causing me to lean forward. I’m not disgusted by it, but I’m not happy either. She’s the mother of my four kids, and her feelings do matter to me.

  “I can’t give you my heart. But I’m always here for you, you know that.”

  “But I need more,” I look into those brown eyes, and find nothing that I’m looking for. The journey that we shared has come to an end, for a while now actually.

  “I love you, always. But I’m not in love with you, and you need to accept that,” she begins to tear up, and all I want to do is hold her tight, but I’ll let her go. I don’t belong to her anymore, and she doesn't belong to me.

  “Mom!” Mary yells, as she walks into the living room, “oh,” she looks at us and a blush rises onto her cheeks.

  “Hey, hun,” Petah pulls away and wipes away her tears. Mary’s eyes widen and she rushes over. No matter how much Mary and Petah have their disagreements, she’s still her mother.

  “What’s wrong?” She drops to her knees in front of the couch, and rests her head on Petah’s lap. I feel uncomfortable, and decide to give them a moment alone. Heading into the kitchen, I see Jane holding onto her stomach and panting against the kitchen island.

  “Sweetheart, are you okay?” I rush over, and help her towards a chair. She sits and leans back.

  “He’s kicking,” she whispers, and my eyes widen. I place my hand over her stomach and feel the thumbs of vibrations.

  “It’s a boy?” Jane’s grinning and looking at me, “when did you find out?”

  “Today, actually. I’m so tired,” she yawns. The bakery is a lot to handle, even though they have assistance.

  “Mom,” Mary walks in and wipes a few tears from her eyes, “would you please go on a date with Ma?” Oh my god, she even got to Mary. Being empathetic always gets me in trouble.

  I look at Jane, and she shrugs. What happened to them pushing me to date Bethany? I kinda miss it now.

  “I—“ I want to make an excuse. But I can never, ever say no when it comes to my biological child.

  “Please?” Those puppy dog eyes have finally begun to annoy me. I shake my head and stand up.

  “No, Mary. And you’ll agree with me when you’re thinking straight,” she frowns, as Petah enters the kitchen. I look between all three of them and clench my fists, “you should all leave now, I really want to be alone,” right now, I’m glad that I live alone. It means that I can kick anyone out.

  “Mommy, pretty please?” I can see pleading eyes on all three of them. But no, I’m not going to listen.

  * * *

  Petah leaves with Jane, but Mary stays behind and keeps on giving me those puppy dog eyes. I do laundry and tidy the kitchen, and she’s not more than two steps away from me whining, “I really could use some space, Mary,” I’m so upset and irritated. I need a hot bath and a few glasses of wine to calm the ridiculous thumping in my brain.

  “Please, mommy. Just one date,” she holds her index finger up, and I immediately think about Blue.

  “I’ll leave then,” I mumble, as I storm out of the kitchen. I grab my jacket from the closet and a pair of ankle boots.

  “Where are you
going?” I don’t answer, and look at her for a moment. She’s always on my side, and for her to go against everything she’d believed in before, breaks my heart into pieces.

  “Anywhere but here,” I give her an answer, as I open the front door and walk out of the house. Heading over to my car, I open the door with the key and slide into the seat. Putting the key into the ignition and buckling my seatbelt, I close my eyes for a few seconds, as my hands firmly grip the steering wheel.

  I don’t know where I’m going, but only two faces come to find, and one of them is a little boy named Blue.

  CHAPTER 6

  I’ve never been a person to stalk anyone, or obsess over them. In my youth, women always made the first move on me, it’s never been the opposite. I’ve always been too shy, or too indecisive.