by Liz Hsu
Then Charles’s grandmother arrived. I’d never forgotten her. She’d lived with Charles for years and he was right: you could see her age. The reality that I wasn’t able to talk to her and she’d have no idea who I was hurt something fierce. I breathed out a sigh of relief when she called Charles his Chinese name and spoke to him for a long time. Charles’s shoulders relaxed too.
When we walked away and found our seats, he had an expression on his face I couldn’t read. He found my hand under the table and held it for several minutes, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles, before finally letting go when the food came. When he did, he mouthed, thank you.
After dinner, everyone mingled, yet most conversations around me were in Mandarin way to fluent and fast for me to follow. I swiveled my head as I heard Charles’s mom say my name, followed by the words “friend from school.” That much I understood. I was introduced to several older cousins, including a programmer at Google, a corporate lawyer, and an interventional radiologist, and felt smaller and smaller by the moment. His cousins had attended some of the world’s most prestigious schools: Princeton, Stanford, Berkeley. Everyone asked about Charles’s piano or robotics competitions.
I wondered as I stared at his striking, suited profile how I compared to everyone in the room. I’d never felt more aware of the fact that I wouldn’t be top of my class or in the running for an academic scholarship. I’d never felt more average than I did here with his exceptional family.
Despite everyone being welcoming and polite, I was relieved when the banquet ended and I could go back to Megan’s room. I was beyond ready to lie down—not only emotionally, but I was sure my heels had given me a blister. I was so tall I rarely wore them, and they brought me eye-to-eye with Charles.
“Ray, are you okay?” Megan asked softly as we climbed into bed. “You just got really quiet at the end of the night.”
“Oh, I’m fine. It’s just…is all your family like that?”
She turned in her twin bed to give me a curious look. “Like what?”
“So—accomplished.”
She laughed. “Pretty much. Tiger moms all around. They call me the unambitious one.” Her voice dropped, “It gets a little stressful. I made a B-plus last year in trig and my mom grounded me for a month and took my phone away and made me study math, even though it was summer!” She sighed loudly. “I don’t like math. And this summer, when Charles got second place in that contest, he was so upset he wouldn’t go out with Marcus. He just sat in the piano room, practicing and perfecting. But I think that’s just Charles, not my aunt and uncle.”
She leaned up on her elbow and flashed me a grin. “I guess that’s why it’s nice to see Charles with you. He can be so obsessive. He is usually working all the time—so driven. Sometimes he barely even talks to us and just goes to study in Marcus’s room after a few grunts. He’s even more focused than the rest of us. I’ve seen him smile more on this trip than maybe, I don’t know, a few years. He seems happy for the first time since we were kids.”
“Really?” I asked, butterflies going wild in my stomach.
I was beginning to think I loved Charles, but I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. We didn’t have much time before he left for college, and I’d never go to school out in California. I was going to a state or Swedish school with reduced tuition. I didn’t need decades of crippling student debt.
She nodded before rolling onto her back and closing her eyes. “You guys complement each other well. Night, Ray. And don’t worry, Charles is the most decisive and single-minded person I know. He wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t think you were worthy.”
“Thanks. Goodnight.”
I knew her words were meant to reassure me, but I wasn’t sure if they did or not. Suddenly, I was worried I was distracting Charles, preventing him from reaching his full potential. This trip had made it more than clear that maybe I wasn’t good enough for him.
The next morning on the drive home, Ray was quiet and withdrawn. I wasn’t sure if she was worn out or if something was bothering her. I’d been relieved when she relented and napped on the drive back yesterday. I couldn’t help but remember how small and fragile she’d looked, lying in the hospital bed this summer, tubes and cords hanging off her. Or the sad, tired eyes she’d had after going to the lake.
I knew she was doing better, but the worst of what that had happened to her could return at any time if she didn’t take care of herself. Her body had literally attacked itself for no reason, which scared me. Her health wasn’t a precise mathematic formula or program I could control—it was a messy science experiment of trials, errors, and pills.
I cast her another glance and she gave me a small smile, so I attempted to push my worry away. Maybe she was tired. I was tired. And as soon as we got back, I had to study for everything I’d put off for this family weekend and for the opportunity for Ray to come with us. And I couldn’t stop replaying Er Jo Jo and Ma’s conversation or remembering how good it had felt to be around Wàipó. Going to college so far away suddenly didn’t have as much allure as it always had. But Caltech was my dream. I’d been killing myself to get there, losing sleep and giving up so many fun opportunities. I’d worked for it my whole life. If I got in, could I really decline such an incredible school? I didn’t know.
When we got home, my parents dropped off Ray, so we didn’t get a chance to say the kind of goodbye I would have liked. Maybe that was a good thing, because suddenly I was grumpy, anxious to get back to all my schoolwork. Normally I would have mostly ignored my cousins to study on Saturday, but we hadn’t even had an hour for that with the party and all the driving.
I had more work than I’d anticipated, and it was after one when I finished everything. I grimaced as I got into bed, knowing some of it was hastily done.
The week was a blur, and I felt more and more behind as the days progressed. Each night I was up past midnight, and was still barely keeping my head above water. James was excited because we’d been invited to play Bob’s Bar and Bistro after not playing for a few weeks. As much as I didn’t want to do anything this weekend, the look on the guys’ faces wouldn’t let me say no.
I caught Ray Thursday afternoon as she was exiting math class. She’d been taking the bus because she’d said I looked stressed, and I appreciated it, because I was. I’d eaten lunch in the library too, so I’d barely seen her—I was just so behind, I’d skipped lunch all week. Keeping myself singularly focused on school was easier than thinking about my parents refinancing their house, or about Wàipó.
“Hey,” I said, running a quick caress up her arm.
I couldn’t believe how much I’d missed her, how addictive she was. It felt like if I drew her into my arms and held her, some of my problems might melt away.
She smiled back, strengthening the urge to pull her to me.
“So, Friday night we got asked to play at Bob’s. You’re going to sing, right?”
“Sure!” she said. “James and I have been practicing some extra duets at church. Are we going to practice before?”
“Yes, but not until tomorrow afternoon. I’m swamped.”
I saw sympathy in her eyes, but before she could respond, Greg butted in. “Wait, you guys are in a band? And playing somewhere?”
We both swiveled to see him, and Ray nodded as I said, “Yep, at Bob’s Bar and Bistro.”
“Dude, that’s cool! I love that place. Their cheese dip, you know? When are you playing?”
Ray shuffled her feet and tucked her hair behind her ears as she waited for me to respond. I really wasn’t interested in Greg coming, but since I couldn’t say that, I just said, “Friday at eight.”
“Right, see you guys tomorrow night, then.” He laughed. “Well, after class.”
He waved and headed down the hall. He and Ray had become friends, but I still got the feeling he’d rather have something besides friendship from her—that he was waiting for R
ay to realize she belonged with someone like him, not me. Something slimy slithered around inside me as I thought about next year, when I wouldn’t be here to stand in their way.
“I better run to the bus too,” Ray said.
I watched her a moment as she hurried down the hall. I frowned. Was she limping? Maybe she waws still sore from yoga. She whined about being sore a lot, but I knew from the way her eyes lit up when she talked about yoga, she loved it.
I was up till one again trying to get everything done, and even when I fell asleep, I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up and thinking about the physics test we’d taken Tuesday. It had been harder than I thought, and we were getting it back tomorrow.
When the alarm blared in the morning and I groggily turned it off, I wondered if I had slept at all. My classes blurred together until suddenly, Mrs. Bhatt was passing back our test after a stern lecture. She’d expected better from us, and the highest grade was an A-minus.
I twirled my pen, waiting for my paper. When she dropped it facedown and I saw a B on it, my stomach flopped. This was the last quarter grade that would be on my college applications. And it was physics. I stared at it and blinked, hoping I could change the grade by reopening my eyes. Nope.
Sweat gathered at my back. This was bad. Really bad. I hated that my first thought was that if I hadn’t asked Ray to Toronto, I could have studied last Saturday instead of wasting the whole day with her. When she waved at me at lunch and started talking all hyped up about our concert, I couldn’t keep up with her enthusiasm.
She must have noticed because she said, “Hey, what’s wrong?”
She rubbed my arm, but I didn’t feel like being comforted. “I need to study a lot this weekend,” I snapped as I shook off her arm, feeling the stress and lack of sleep. “I promised to do the concert, but I won’t have time to see you at all. I really need to study.”
I regretted my harsh words the moment I said them. Ray’s eyes got big and overly bright. “I left something in art,” she said. “I’ll see you after eighth period.”
“Dude,” Knox said after she rushed away. “That was pretty rude.”
“I need to study, Knox.” Yes, it had been a little rude, but him pointing it out didn’t make me feel any better. But I was exhausted and I needed to catch up this weekend. I liked Ray more than I thought I could like someone. I might love her. But I didn’t want even her distracting me from school.
Or maybe I did. Then I wouldn’t get into Caltech and it wouldn’t be my choice anymore.
“Whatever, man,” Knox said, and turned silently back to his food.
I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. I sighed as I pushed around the food on my plate. I stared at the door where Ray had gone, wishing I could take back my words.
I got a text from her before the end of lunch. Hey, I know you’re really busy. You guys start practice without me—I’ll take the bus. I’m going to get changed and drop off my school stuff and Dad can drop me off at 5:30. Save you the time of stopping by my place. PS I have plans this weekend too.
I shouldn’t have been so surly with her.
Later, I waited for her outside math class. She wasn’t there, but Greg was.
“Ray left already,” he said. “Didn’t she tell you about her doctor’s appointment?” He smirked as he said it, and we both knew that was BS.
“Right, I forgot. She doesn’t have service there.”
He looked at me like he knew we were both liars. “I can’t wait to see you guys play tonight.”
I hunched my shoulders as I shuffled to my locker, my stomach twisted in knots. I’d snapped at her. I was the one who’d offered to take her to Toronto; she hadn’t demanded my time. She’d been there for me when I was upset about Wàipó.
The guys looked at me questioningly when Ray didn’t come right after school and I muttered some excuses. Five thirty came, then five forty-five, with no word from Ray. James arched an eyebrow at me, and Knox mumbled under his breath.
Finally, at five to six, Ray flew down the stairs, looking like the sexiest thing I’d ever seen in a short black dress she’d never worn in front of me before and black boots. I still didn’t understand how someone so skinny had curves like she did, but she looked fantastic in that dress. Both Knox and Kevin’s breath hitched.
“Sorry, sorry,” Ray said. “I fell asleep. My dad woke me up when it was time to leave.”
“No worries.” I walked up to her and dropped my voice. “Um, about earlier—”
She cut me off with a quick kiss. “It’s fine, you’re busy. I’m busy this weekend too. Let’s practice, okay?”
I really wanted to apologize. Later, I told myself.
We ran through a mock performance and then it was time to go. I couldn’t lie—I was distracted by how Ray looked and couldn’t help feeling things weren’t okay, despite what she’d said.
When we stepped inside Bob’s, Greg was there with Sean. The knots in my belly tightened, especially when he gave her a lingering, handsy hug.
I pulled away from Greg as quickly as I could, feeling Charles’s eyes on me as I walked toward where they were setting up. Greg and I were friends, but I’d seen how self-conscious Charles was about him specifically. And Greg had a super flirtatious personality. How Charles could feel that way was beyond me. I couldn’t forget the room full of his family and all their accomplishments. People just said I was pretty, but I wanted to be known for something I’d done. But, no matter how hard I worked, I wasn’t going to be valedictorian. I wasn’t getting in to Princeton or Caltech. If I did really well this year, I could maybe get into Georgia Tech or Michigan.
I glanced at Charles and tried to control the hurt. He’d barked at me earlier and it’d made me cry. Not just the words, but because I felt he should be with someone more like him—someone who lifted him up, not me with all my health problems and lack of friends. I demanded too much of his time—I dragged him down.
As if to add to my insecurities, I heard someone giggle and turned to see Dana and another girl from the robotics team talking and flirting with Kevin and Charles. That was the type of girl Charles should date. Kevin gave me an unfriendly smirk, hefting his bass guitar again and walking toward what would be our stage. I briefly made eye contact with the girls and tried to give a friendly smile before I walked up to James and flipped through our sheet music.
“Little Ray of sunshine,” he said throwing his heavy arm around me. “Doing well tonight?”
I winced. That blister was a real pain the rear.
“I’m a little tired, but hopefully it’s nothing.”
“Ray?” There was worry in his voice and he dropped his arm and looked at me. I couldn’t forget his aunt had lupus. He knew how serious it was.
“It’s nothing,” I said more firmly than I felt, but I refused to meet his eyes. The truth was I could barely rouse myself from my nap earlier.
I flashed him a grin. I’d wanted to cancel, but if Charles could make it tonight when he was stressed, I could too. It was one of the reasons I’d worn this outfit. Maybe it wasn’t the most self-respecting thing I could have done, but Jeffery and Ross had always told me I was darn sexy in this dress and I wanted Charles to think so, too. Also, my feet and ankles were a little red, and no one would be able to tell with these boots.
The sets flew by and, despite how tired I’d been earlier, it was loads of fun. I loved watching the guys play. They all enjoyed music so much, it was pure pleasure to watch their faces get lost in the sounds and rhythms. I didn’t love music the way they did, but their happiness was contagious, and I liked being part of it. It was why I’d drawn so many pictures of them—this look on their faces was how I felt when I drew. This look was displayed on the far wall above the bar. I smiled every time I peeked up and spotted my art.
During a break, I flopped down into a nearby chair. My foot was killing me where I’d gotten
a blister last weekend. It had been getting redder all week and I hoped it wasn’t infected. I’d been using some antibiotic cream, but didn’t know what else to do.
Greg came over and sat next to me, close enough that his thigh brushed mine. Charles was near enough that I could see him stiffen out of the corner of my eye.
“So, Ray,” Greg said smoothly. “Can we get you at eleven tomorrow? We’ll grab a quick lunch and tour the building before the game.”
I cast a hesitant look at Charles. I hadn’t mentioned my plans with Greg, but I didn’t have anything to be guilty about—we were friends. “Eleven is good.”
Greg caught the look and the delayed response, and turned to Charles. “Do you and Ray have plans tomorrow, Charles? Need her back by a certain time?”
Charles’s jaw tightened. “No, I need to study all weekend.”
“Perfect!” Greg turned back to me. “You’ll love hockey. You’re a Michigander now, and it is a requirement you like the Red Wings. What other sport do you get to sing the American and Canadian national anthems before every game?”
I laughed. “Ohhh, yea-ah,” I joked with a heavy Michigander accent. “But actually, I’m more excited to see the micro-living, but thanks for inviting me to the game, too. I’m sure the tickets weren’t cheap.”
Greg was pretty nice, and I was so curious about his dad’s project. It wasn’t like this would be a date; we’d be with his parents. Still, Charles didn’t look thrilled.
“Of course! And my dad has a season pass. He just traded a friend so we’d get four seats instead of three.”
The guys motioned break was over so I hopped up, trying to hide a wince as my foot hit the ground.
By the time we finished and packed up, I was smothering yawns. I couldn’t wait to shower, but when I made it home, I cringed at how much worse my foot looked when I stripped off my socks. My entire foot looked swollen and a hard, painful scab had formed over the blister. I decided to cancel yoga tomorrow and just sleep in. I debated texting Greg to say I couldn’t go, but it was just a little blister. Hopefully with some sleep, it’d be fine.