by Liz Hsu
I stood up, trying to right myself and fix my hair. Charles handed me the phone and kissed me softly. He wrapped himself around me and breathed me in deeply before leading us upstairs. I was grateful he seemed as affected by what had transpired as I did.
My dad’s car was there within minutes, and we gave each other one last quick kiss before I left.
When I slipped into the car, Dad was silent a moment, humming to an oldie on the radio. When we got onto the road, which was filling with a coat of ice, he said, “I’m going to make an appointment for you to see the women’s doctor next week.”
I opened and closed my mouth. I thought about protesting, feeling embarrassed…but maybe it was a good idea. I wasn’t ready for sex yet, but was inching closer to that point. I liked Charles in a way I’d never felt about Ross. I trusted him. I could also ask the doctor the questions I’d never been able to talk to Mom about. And my rheumatologist had suggested it, too, because my medication caused birth defects. They recommended two forms of birth control if you were sexually active.
“Okay,” I said. I looked out the window, bracing for more, for chastisement, but when it didn’t come after the entire song finished, relief filled me.
I watched the white snow and ice fall with a joy I hadn’t felt in a long time. Charles made me feel like something pure and beautiful. I wanted to share a part of myself with him I’d never shared with anyone else. Dad saw that and didn’t judge or lecture me for it. He just wanted me to be safe.
“Thank you,” I said.
I thought he didn’t hear me, but he subtly nodded and continued humming along to the radio.
I waved at Ray from across the auditorium. She looked so damn cute in her ski cap and matching sweater the color of her eyes. She blew me a kiss, and I couldn’t control my grin. All week, last weekend had been at the forefront of my mind. We hadn’t had time together like that again, but I really hoped we would again soon. I was craving more than just our hurried kisses in the car.
My gaze fell to her poster that had our robotics team name on it. I laughed at the image of our robot driving over the other team’s. We didn’t actually fight, but it was cute she’d made a poster. She gave me a thumbs-up and I laughed harder, realizing she’d done it on purpose to relax me.
Becky sat on her side and Knox one down. Those two were snickering about something too, their heads together. It was hard to say whose curly hair was wilder. They’d just started dating—finally. Knox was worse than I was. James seemed a little grim about it, but I’d never seen Knox happier. Both hoped to go to college in Atlanta next year.
“Charles, can you stop ogling your girlfriend for five minutes here?” Kevin demanded.
I turned to face him. “Do you need something?” I asked, trying to keep my voice flat. I was still pissed about what he’d said to Ray last weekend, about dying. Have a filter.
Dana handed us the competition sheets, and we sized up the teams we’d be playing against. It wasn’t a true tournament for advancement, but this was the last time we’d compete with other schools before the district qualifier and should help us hone our skills.
Hours seemed to pass in minutes as we watched the robots advance or crash. The mechanical captains rushed to collect and fix the robots’ pieces. Whenever I glanced up, which was often, Ray would blow me a kiss or give me a thumbs-up. I still couldn’t believe the stunning girl staring at me was my girlfriend. I knew when most people looked at her, they saw her physical beauty—how could they not? But she was also so brave and gentle. I’d never met anyone else I could talk to and feel like I wouldn’t be judged. For so long, I’d been pushing to stay on top of my grades, my piano, everything—but Ray helped me relax and let go. When I held her in my arms, I felt a comfort I hadn’t known was possible. She always told me, “You see me, Charles,” but I thought she saw me, too. She was one of the only people who seemed to see me under my grades and books. I was falling in love with her.
No. I’d fallen in love with her. I just hadn’t told her yet.
It wasn’t long before we competed again, and our teammates congratulated us on having a top-scoring robot. We were all smiles as we walked back to Mrs. Bhatt’s room.
I glanced down at my phone when we arrived. There was an email from the University of Michigan. My heart sped up as I opened it.
Congratulations, Charles Jiawei Wong,
You have been accepted early action to the University of Michigan.
I saved it in my college folder and put away my phone with a grin.
Kevin saw my face. “What is it?”
“I just got accepted to Michigan,” I told him, relief pouring through me.
“Must be nice getting in to your backup program,” he said with a laugh.
“Well, it might not be a backup anymore.” I hadn’t decided, but part of me hoped I didn’t get in to Caltech. I hadn’t stopped thinking about Wàipó and my parents’ finances. And then there was Ray, the girl who’d stolen my heart.
“Caltech? You have a shot at getting in! You have a 4.25.”
“Maybe I won’t get in.” If I did, I’d have to make the hardest decision of my life. “Plus, it’s far away.” I shrugged, not wanting to talk more about it.
“That’s stupid, Charles! Don’t throw away Caltech for some chick with long legs and big boobs. Yes, she’s really hot, but you and Ray probably won’t even stay together.”
“Kevin,” I gritted out.
I knew he was only trying to be helpful, like a good friend would. Throughout elementary and middle school, I’d complained about Chinese school while he’ complained about Korean school. We’d been friends for more than a decade. But I hated how he acted around Ray. Since I’d started dating her, Kevin had been harder on her at band practice. Like just because she was pretty, she couldn’t also be a decent person. He’d taken his own insecurities over him being short and her tall and blond out on Ray, too often, even when she’d never been anything but nice to him.
“What? The truth hurts.”
I shot him an exasperated look. “Ray is more than that, Kevin. But this isn’t about her. It might be too expensive—the school and living in LA. My parents are professors. They do well, but I don’t know, man. Maybe I’d rather not make them pay out-of-state tuition. They’d never let me take out loans unless they really couldn’t afford it.”
Ray bounced into the room just then, all smiles. But Kevin, facing me, didn’t see her.
“Is it because she’s sick?” he said loudly. “Don’t throw your whole life away just because you feel sorry for her.”
Behind him, Ray’s face drained of color. She’d clearly heard Kevin, along with half the room.
“Stop,” I told Kevin. “We can talk later, in private.” I nodded over his shoulder. “Hi, Ray.”
“You’ll regret it if you don’t go,” Kevin said, still ignoring her.
His words hit home. I hoped for what felt like the millionth time that I wouldn’t get into Caltech. Otherwise, I dreaded being forced to make that decision.
“Looks aren’t everything,” Kevin continued. I saw Ray stiffen as he rounded on her, finally acknowledging she was there. “You are so selfish. If you really cared about Charles, you wouldn’t be with him. He has half as much time to do his work, because of you. And now you’re pressuring him to stay in Michigan? His dream has always been Caltech.”
Ray flinched like Kevin had struck her. I knew that was her biggest fear: that she was dragging me down, and I’d eventually resent her for it. She’d told me it was the reason she’d kept her last hospitalization from me.
“I’d didn’t ask him to stay. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her eyes meet mine filled with confusion.
I tightened my fist as I spun toward him. “Kevin, shut up. Let me worry about myself. You need to stop with Ray. My parents would have to refinance their house to send me
to Caltech, since Wàipó needs to come live with us. We have to pay for her medical care, okay? I wanted to discuss this in private. I just told you that. This has nothing to do with Ray.”
I turned to her. “Ray.” I hugged her, then led her out to the empty hallway.
Ray started to talk, but I stopped her with a kiss that left us both clinging to each other. I fanned her face with my hands as I pulled away, fingers caressing her cheeks. “I’m sorry about what Kevin said. So sorry. He’s just being protective of me, but still it’s not right.”
She nodded, head still in my hands.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do, but you are special to me. So special. I want to be with you like I’ve never wanted another person. And it’s not just your looks.”
She pulled my lips back to hers, as if her body could speak to my soul better than her words. As if neither of us knew what else to do. Too aware we shouldn’t be making out in the hallway, I sighed, stepped away, and led her outside.
When we made it back to my place, we exchanged a look before heading to my bedroom. As soon as the door closed, we tore at each other’s clothes, and Ray seemed especially eager to return the favor I’d given her last Saturday. After she completely shattered me, I held her, running my hands along the satiny skin of her arms and bare back. Just this was so amazing, I couldn’t imagine how earthshaking actually having sex would be. She fit perfectly against me. When I held her warm body, it seemed like everything would be all right in the world.
“What are you going to do?” Her breath fanned against my neck as she spoke.
“I don’t know. I didn’t lie to Kevin; Michigan is still an amazing school. It’s Wàipó...” My voice trailed off.
“Just please don’t make your decision based on me. Dad hasn’t even told me how long I can stay here. Maybe your life was better before I moved here. Easier,” she whispered, nuzzling against me.
Her baseless words made my arms tighten around her. My life had been sterile and lifeless before her. Just imagining it contrasted with our current position made me caress her skin more fervently.
“Ray.” It was all I could say. For so long, it had seemed like my life was on a straight path, but lately there had been so many curves in the road.
Her lips found mine again, and I was eager to show her exactly what she meant to me with my body, if not with my stumbling words.
Later with her checks flushed, her sated eyes fluttered open to meet mine with a small smile curving her lips. I nestled her closer to me, realizing just how much I loved the girl in my arms. I wanted to be with her more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life. Before her, I’d been alive, but too nervous and working too hard to really be living. I’d been pressured to always be the best at everything, to the point of closing myself off from life. Ray had brought me to the light. And I knew she liked me, Charles Wong, nothing more, nothing less. I didn’t want to think or talk about the future; I just wanted to hold her now.
I stared out the airplane window as the marshy ground approached, trying to decide how it felt to back in Savannah for Thanksgiving. It was late this year, November 28th. I’d been in Michigan four and a half months. And now I was back here again.
I missed Charles already. I wouldn’t confess this to Jeffery, who’d be picking me up in a few minutes, but Charles had become my best friend. Between his calming presence, yoga, church with Becky, and my art, I felt I was managing my lupus well. Selling my pictures had been so cool, especially because they hung somewhere we all liked to go. And if I kept it up, I could pay for the architecture camp this summer at U of M, which might help me get accepted there. Michigan was not my backup school; it was my top choice.
I was trying to manage it all. Yet, no matter what logic told me, it still seemed easier to imagine Savannah poisoning me than my own T-cells attacking my body. I’d improved so much since I left. I kept taking my pills, but I’d dropped my immunosuppressants from four a day to three, and was finally off steroids again.
Six pills a day. Every day.
But it was better than eight.
I was trying to be better about listening to my body. Sure, I’d had the really bad infection and allergic reaction, which were side effects of my medications. But at least it wasn’t a lupus issue—organ failure. Dr. Murray had finally said my complement markers she used to measure my lupus were starting to normalize for the first time since I’d started seeing her. They still showed “active” lupus, but they weren’t as abnormal. My joints weren’t swelling and arthritic as frequently. I’d have to manage this disease, whether I had an active flare or it went dormant, with pills for the rest of my life.
Overall, living with Dad had been amazing, even if he still hadn’t talked to me about how long I could stay. I had even started looking forward to Soraya’s visits because she made sure we always did something special. And she’d brought me an expensive Caravaggio book, when I was feeling depressed during my second weekend in the hospital. Everyone knew how anything art related—whether supplies or anthologies, filled with detailed high resolution color images—cost.
But while Michigan had been good for me, I was still worried I wasn’t good for the people I loved in Michigan. Charles had endless potential. No matter what he’d said on Saturday and how tenderly he’d held me, or how safe I’d felt snuggled against him, I couldn’t stand to be part of a decision that kept him from his dream of Caltech.
I pushed the thoughts away as the plane arrived at the gate, and threw my heavy winter coat over my arm. The airport was packed the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, everyone hurrying to get home or to visit loved ones. After people-dodging in the salt-tinged, humid air, I made it to Jeffery’s car.
He jumped out and gave me a huge hug before getting us settled into the evening traffic and rapid-fire questioning.
“How’s everything?” I asked, glad to be talking in person instead of texting.
“Classes are fine.”
“Okay, big guy. What else? You never told me if you heard back from that recruiter.”
“Yeah, they talked to me,” he said with a shrug.
“Yeah,” I said with a light punch to his shoulder. “And?”
“I don’t know. I’m pretty good, but not great. I don’t think I’ll get a scholarship. It wasn’t a yes or no. But I heard from Armstrong. I got in.”
“Yeah!”
He was grinning, so I hoped he was happy.
“Well, that’s good,” I continued. “I bet your mom would be thrilled you’ll be in Savannah.”
“Maybe too close, but we’ll see. I don’t have your grades. Never did.”
“Hey, you’ll save a ton going there. Plus, your parents aren’t strict.”
“Yes, my eternal Ray of optimism. Anyway, tell me about your boyfriend and everything else happening up there in the frigid north.”
“Charles is good,” I said, unable to keep the smile off my face. “Oh, and I sold some of my artwork! Thanks again for the drawing supplies.”
He reached over and tousled my hair. “Yeah, no problem, Ray Ray.”
We chatted comfortably or sang along to country music on the radio, windows down and my hair going wild in the wind and coastal humidity, until we hit the bridge to Whitmarsh Island.
Then Jeffery said, “Well, I wanted to mention, too, that Ava and I started dating.”
“Ava Garcia-Lopez?”
“Yep, that one.”
“Oh, Jeff! She’s as cute as a button. And so nice! When did this happen?”
“Don’t know. I think right after your last visit?” He was blushing as we pulled up to my place.
“That’s more than a month ago! I’m only letting it slide because it was new and I was sick. But I will get details. So don’t think because you told me when we hit the driveway, I won’t. We’re going biking before I go home?”
“Yes, ma’am
,” he said, pulling me in for a side hug.
“All right then, bye, Jeff.” I got my stuff out the backseat.
He waved out the open window and pulled away. Already breaking a sweat in the warm, damp air, I lugged my stuff up the front stairs.
Gracie Mae started crying when I opened the door. “Rayanne, I missed you,” she said, and it just about broke my heart. I needed to be better about calling her on video chat.
“Sweet girl,” I said, crushing her to me. “I missed you too.”
Mary Beth came crashing into us and we landed on the ground in a giggling tangle of hugs and tickles.
“Did you eat lunch, Rayanne?” Mom asked, walking into the foyer.
“No, ma’am.” I stood to embrace her. It had been a rush to get to the new terminal for the Savannah flight and I hadn’t had time. It was almost four in the afternoon now.
Mark came in with Matthew and surprised me with a big hug. “We’ve missed you around here, Rayanne. You were a good role model to your sisters.” I felt my face heat at his unexpected praise.
“Come on, girls, let’s get Rayanne something to eat.” Mom led us into the kitchen.
I held my arms out for Matthew, who crushed me against his growing, twelve-year-old body.
“I missed you,” he said with a crackling voice that told me my little brother wasn’t going to be little forever.
I squeezed him tighter and said, “I’ve missed y’all too.”
And I had. Michigan had been good to me, but I’d lived my whole life with the people in this house.
Mom surprised me again by pulling my favorite tomato pie out of the oven. “I thought you might be hungry.” She motioned me to sit and made me a small salad as she waited for the dish to cool. “We were really worried about you when you got that infection. Is everything better now?”
I nodded. I still couldn’t believe a tiny scar was all that was left of it. “My wrists still get hives when I shower, but it’s less frequent.” The doctors had said I’d be on antihistamines a few months more.