by Annie Oldham
Chapter Seventeen
I wake to gray morning light. The west is still dark, and to the east the water of the sound looks like a rumpled metal sheet. Jack lies under a blanket alongside the big box of rusted metal. His lips twitch in his sleep.
I pull the metal cylinder from my pocket. I open it quietly, glancing once at Jack to make sure he still sleeps. The small syringe shines inside its cocoon. It is filled with pale yellow liquid. A plastic cap covers the needle. The needle would slide so easily into her flesh. It wouldn’t be hard at all. I close the cylinder with a faint click.
A rush of hope comes over me. I could go home. I could escape the terror we all live with here. No more waking nightmares, no more blood.
Without waking Jack, I climb down the ladder. My legs and back are stiff from sleeping on the hard surface, but my feet are surprisingly good. I still twinge when I walk, but I don’t limp.
At the door to the janitor’s closet, I pause. The hall is empty. The settlement still sleeps. I take a deep breath. Then I clench my fingers around the cylinder, the skin of my palm digging into the seam where it opens and closes.
Now. There will be no other chance.
As I walk down the hall, my boots thud so loudly in the early morning hush, I’m sure someone will open a door and wonder what I’m doing. I pause outside Dave’s door, my fingers hovering over the handle. I don’t want to face what I’ll see. I close my eyes. I promise myself no more nightmares. I turn the handle without a sound.
I barely make out the human shapes in the darkness. Dave and Mary sit at the top of the mattress, leaning against the wall. They must have fallen asleep talking. His arm drapes around her shoulder, and her head nestles into the hollow between his shoulder and chest. Her arm rests across his stomach.
I almost choke as I look at them. The love is as palpable here as the warmth of their sleeping bodies. They just needed some miracle to get past their own complications. I provided that for them.
But I promised myself no more nightmares. As long as Mary lives, I will never be at home anywhere.
I kneel down next to the bed. Mary lies one foot from me. I watch her chest rise and fall. A strand of hair falls across her face and her slow breath weaves the hair with the light from the open door.
I open the cylinder. The syringe gleams. My hand trembles as I lift it from the case. It is feather-light, lighter than the gun I used to kill Smitty. It could be a toy next to that weapon.
I pull the plastic cap off the needle. Mary sighs and sinks deeper against Dave. Even in unconsciousness he pulls her closer. They are in love. They always have been. Love is like the ocean. I blink that I can compare something like love to the ocean I grew to despise. But it is. It is like the ocean I could see outside the sub window as I came here. I could see for only a few hundred feet, but it reaches for miles.
Watching them I realize I’m not in love with Dave. All I thought about was what he could give me. I haven’t given him anything. He gave me home and family. I gave him lies. As I watch them sleep, I understand the truth.
The needle is a lethal inch-long dagger. Only eight inches to close the gap, raise the sleeve of Mary’s shirt, and I can return to the colony. But I know my promise of no more nightmares is empty. This will be one nightmare I will never wake from if I kill Mary as she sleeps in Dave’s arms.
His eyelids flutter and his lips purse slightly. I can’t do this to him—can’t do this to them—now that they’ve found each other again.
I hear footsteps in the hall. I quickly sheathe the needle and jam it into the cylinder and back into my pocket. As I slip through the door, I chance one last look back at them. They belong together.
In the cafeteria, everyone gathers for breakfast. Nell sits by herself, waiting for Red. I sit with her. She smiles at me, but I see the worry in her eyes. I’m not sure why until I notice Dave and Mary two tables over. Mary leans her head in close to his and Dave has his arm slung about her.
I look back at Nell and try to smile. She pats my hand and doesn’t ask any questions. I’m grateful. She think I’m broken hearted, and I am. Just not for the reason she assumes. I will never see Jessa again, and I couldn’t even tell her I love her last night.
I sip my tea. Nell leans over to explain she has been experimenting with herbal teas to give some flavor to the boiled water. She frowns when she tells me she hasn’t created any really good blends yet. These are the details I will miss. Then Red joins us.
“But it’s still better than hot water,” he says. He too looks over at Dave and Mary. It seems everyone in the cafeteria glances their way periodically. Mary surprises me by not meeting any glances, not soaking in the surprise from everyone. She is only interested in Dave.
“Mary’s sure, well, different this morning.” Red puts his fork in his mouth. Nell looks quickly at me, but I carefully arrange my face to look uninterested. She squints. She isn’t convinced.
“Yes, dear. Love will do that to someone.” She kisses him. He turns to put a rough hand on her cheek.
“Powerful thing, ain’t it?” Red says. He smiles at her and turns back to his breakfast. They don’t say anything more.
I realize I don’t belong here anymore, not where I can’t even be a friend to Dave without an ache in my chest, not where Nell and Red are so in love that their love colors the world. I’m not ready for that, I don’t trust it yet, not for myself. I still need to come to terms with the terror of the Burn.
I can’t stay here. I need to carve out my own life and not wedge myself into everyone else’s. I realize that now. If I’m to be happy on the Burn, I need to make it mine and not just insinuate myself on it. I need to stop grasping at straws.
Maybe that was my problem all along in the colony as well. I tried to fit where they put me. But I never put myself anywhere. I was never proactive. But I can change. I have a choice.
After breakfast I go upstairs. I make sure Dave isn’t in his room. Just as well. I grab my pack. I’m out the front doors before anyone stops me.
“Terra?”
The one voice that could make me hesitate calls out to me. I try to keep going, but he calls me again, urgently this time.
“Terra, please.”
I stop. I can’t cause him anguish. I turn and see the pained look on his face and my heart aches. Too many goodbyes. He can see the look in my eyes, the pack on my back, the way I walked out the door without looking back.
“You’re leaving?” He brushes the blond hair from his forehead. It stands up wildly.
I nod. His eyes dart around, searching for something.
“I don’t understand.”
I reach out to him, touch his arm. I need to tell him I’ll be okay. This is the only way I’ll be okay. His fingers graze mine. Even that small touch sends shivers up my arm. I have to turn around before I change my mind.
“Why?”
I raise an eyebrow. Surely he knows why. Is everything so black and white to him? We are friends, I should stay, even though he’s in love with Mary. That’s just the way his honest heart sees the world.
I couldn’t be happy, I spell out on his hand. He holds my hand a fraction of a second too long.
Why is he doing this? The tears start in my eyes again, and they put him out of focus, turning his edges softer, softening his lips and his smile. They make him look unreal. Maybe this is the way I saw him from the beginning, when I should have just seen him as he is—a confused teenager, like me.
“You weren’t the one who rescued me that day.” He wipes a tear from my cheek. “But you did save me, you know. I’ll always love you for it.”
I ease myself free then. This isn’t helping me leave. I just look at him one last time and turn south past the oca fields.
I’m not sure where I’m going, just away. I half expect to hear helicopters beating through the sky, but the morning calm envelopes me and clears my head. After I’ve walked for an hour or so, I come to the sound. It glints gray at me, chopping in the wind. The wind blow
s my hair into my face and stings my eyes. I stare at the water.
The Burn is exactly how my dad told me it would be. Vicious, violent, full of blood. I will always have those nightmares. But there are things he couldn’t have foreseen. Things no one could guess at. The healing love that spreads here among good people; the friendships; the acceptance. These are things I never found in the colony. These are the things engraved in my heart.
I had lived in the water all my life. Now for some of the most terrifying, blissful, heart-rending weeks, I’ve lived on the land. I feel more alive than ever before.
I reach into my pocket and pull out the metal cylinder. I walk ankle deep into the cold water. It bites at my toes. I reach back and hurl the poison as far as I can. I see a faint splash where it hits the water. I am lighter now without that burden on me. I feel as if I could ride this wind. The world opens up before me.
I take a sip from my canteen and continue southwest, away from the water and the city across the sound. Then a voice calls out.
“Hey, wait up!”
I look behind me and Jack jogs toward me, his pack heavy on his back, a canteen strapped to his belt. His cheeks flush and the wind blows his brown hair into a halo. I didn’t anticipate this.
“I’ll go with you, you know.”
I shake my head. He can’t. I grab his hand roughly.
They need you more than I do. Who will be their doctor? Who will take care of them?
“They managed without me before I came. They can manage now. I’ve already talked to them about it.”
He grabs his pack straps and looks at the ground where our feet disappear in the grass.
“I’m not like them, Terra. The supply drops, the hunting, the guns—I just can’t do it.”
I know what he means. It’s almost a relief to be away from it. He grabs my hand. Not tenderly, but familiarly. We’re alike.
“I’ll go with you. I may not be what you’re looking for right now, but you’ll need a friend. I’ll come with you.”
And those magical words bring the first true smile to my lips in several days.
We turn and walk through the long grass together.
* * * *
About the Author
Away from her writing, Annie is the mother of the two most adorable girls in the world, has the best husband in the world, and lives in the hottest place in the world (not really, but Phoenix sure feels like it). She loves to cook, sing, and play the piano.
To find out more about Annie's other books, visit her online:
www.annieoldham.com