I’m telling ya this, Ralph said. Do not do it. I know it’s hard. You been through the ringer, that woman the other week. Fuck, finding that bloody body now. But life’s worth holding onto. Cause if you make the decision to do this, you’re free from the consequences. But your family and everyone else will live with it forever after.
Charlie was nodding, knowing Ralph’s words. Knew what he was saying. Of course he did, Ralph didn’t even know the truth about him. Normally, Charlie thought, this would be the time he’d share his story. Tell Ralph of his sister. Of Sarah’s passing. Maybe they’d become friends over it. They’d have something they bonded over but never spoke of again. Maybe with this friendship Charlie could have become a good journalist with Ralph’s help. Instead, he said nothing. Not because he didn’t want to, but because the phone in his pocket had started vibrating.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
It took a moment for Charlie to discern Ethan’s face in the window, the moon quarter full and Ethan himself deathly white. But he knocked again, lightly and Charlie finally saw him. The last person he wanted to talk to after having just lost his sister,but Ethan would keep persisting, so he slid the window up.
I only found out a bit ago. Fucking hell mate—
Yeah, Charlie said, cutting him off. Look, Ethan if we could wait—
I know mate, we all are. I just had to come.
Thanks, but—
Orright if we talk?
Charlie sighed. It wasn’t alright, but he knew that Ethan wasn’t asking. He could see on his face that something was troubling him. He hoped it was only the news of his sister, but lately Ethan had been recounting wilder and wilder stories. Getting himself into corners and problems he could’ve avoided. Ethan would either talk through the window or keep knocking, better to let him in and accept his fate. He sat up in bed, allowed Ethan to roll in.
Cheers. Ethan sat on the bed besides him. Yeah I found out from the copper talking to Pastor Philips, one of ‘em always comes and speaks with him at the end of the day. That way he can tailor his sermons each week to the lambs. But I came as soon as I could. Cleaning night. Ethan rubbed his nose, hand through his hair, trying to act strong to Charlie. But Charlie noticed the shake in his hand. So you found her then? he asked.
Charlie nodded, seeing her lying in the tub again. How it took him thirty minutes to dial the number for help. He didn’t reply.
Fuck, Ethan said. I never thought ya know? She was getting better. She was talking.
Yup, Charlie said. I know you’ve been visiting. I mean, I never saw, but it was obvious.
Ethan didn’t say anything. Played with his shirt. Finally, Yeah well, I owed her that much.
You did.
Oh carn Charlie, that’s not too fair. Ethan looked as if he’d been smacked, outrage came into him. You know I never asked for—
She never asked for it either Ethan. But she looked after you. I hoped you would look after her.
I did orright. Fark. Been coming here. Sneaking outta the orphanage. Spittle came from Ethan’s mouth. An angry sneer on his face. I been doing my part. Not like you lot.
Take that back, Charlie said.
Or what Charlie? You’ll fume in silence at me?
Take it back. Charlie stood from his bed. I-I’ll hit you. I did everything for my sister. Mum did everything too. You don’t even know. An we did the best we could—
Really? Ethan smiling now. The best you could do? What about your Old Man? Couldn’t even look at her in the end. He didn’t want to know. None of youse wanted to know anything—
Charlie swung his fist, colliding with the side of Ethan’s head. Ethan gritted his teeth and held his ear, a groan seething out.
You hit me fuck’n ear you prick. Ethan launched from the bed and caught Charlie in the middle. They collapsed and soon Ethan was on top, pounding down at Charlie’s chest and face. You bastard, he whispered. Over and over. You bastard.
They heard a groan in the floorboards and a lightswitch. They froze. Charlie’s mum getting up to check on the noise. She’d taken ages to fall asleep. Took most of a bottle of whisky, but she got there when the doc gave her some pills. She wouldn’t be happy.
Ethan scrambled off Charlie and under the bed. Charlie got back under his covers, turning away from the door. A moment later it cracked open. The light in the hallway on. Charlie holding his breath, not wanting his mother to hear his laboured breathing. He watched her silhouette on him, her dark reflection. Then gone.
The boys lay hidden another five minutes, regaining their breaths. Then Ethan came out from under the bed. Sorry bout that mate, he whispered. You don’t deserve it. Stuck out his hand.
Charlie took it, pulled him up from the ground. It’s orright. Shit day.
The shittest, Ethan agreed. Both boys sat on the edge of the bed now, staring across Charlie’s room at nothing much. It was a plain room. Charlie didn’t really keep much or want for anything. In this respect it reminded Ethan of the orphanage. It was only last year he’d been awarded a separate room from the others, but a month later it was deemed that he should require a partner or two. Pastor Philips saw to it himself. That Ethan was comfortable.
She say anything? Ethan asked.
Huh? Charlie said. An odd feeling in his chest opening up. Whaddaya mean?
I dunno, Ethan said. You weren’t home. You’ve not left her alone in ages. She musta said something to make you leave like that.
Oh, Charlie said. Yeah. The feeling closing and the waves of guilt that had been crushing him all afternoon returning. Yeah, I left her alone cause she asked. Said she was feeling good, great actually. Wanted us to celebrate her feeling better and stuff. Gave me some money to get lollies. Suppose it was just to get me out of the house. Charlie looked now at the lollies on his table. They sickened him. Want ‘em? he said. I ain’t gonna eat them.
Sure, Ethan took the bag and opened it. They listened in the darkness to him rummaging around. What’d you get?
Charlie didn’t answer, his mind having drifted back to the images of his sister. He couldn’t not see it. Her eyes staring. Something in her that looked like she didn’t want to die. Like at the last minute she’d changed her mind.
The lollies. What’d you get?
Charlie squinted. Unsure. I, I can’t remember, he said. I dunno—
S’orright, Ethan said. He picked something out and held it up. Ate it. Least I know you don’t get licorice.
Charlie nodded, knowing what he didn’t have. So what’d you wanna talk about? he asked, wanting to hint at Ethan maybe leaving.
What? Oh nothing, Ethan said, digging around for his next lollie.
What do you mean? When you got here you said—
It’s nothing, Ethan said. Not anything anymore anyways.
What do you mean? Charlie asked.
I said—Ethan sighed. Look, just I’ll be leaving for a bit, okay? Gonna get out.
You’re still a bit off from leaving the orphanage though? Can’t you move out next year?
I ain’t waiting that long. Charlie could see Ethan shaking his head in the low light. The lolly bag shaking. I gotta leave like yesterday.
Why? Is it why you’ve been getting into all that shit lately? You’ve been doing stupid stuff—
Don’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing Charlie. You don’t even know. Sarah knew. She got it, but, but she couldn’t. We had a plan and she—
What’re you talking about? What plan? The feeling in Charlie’s chest opened back up. He remembered some of the things his sister had said now, but the new information changed the meaning. What plan Ethan?
Ethan sat for a few minutes. Charlie knew he’d answer, but Ethan was weighing up how much he should reveal. He was cleaning dirt from under his fingernails. We were gonna leave, he said finally.
You what? Charlie said.
Shhh. Ethan covered Charlie’s mouth with his hand. They heard bed springs squeak next door. Fucking hell Charlie—
What do you m
ean you were gonna leave? When was this decided? Why was my sister leaving and she’d not told me anything? Is that why she sent me out? So you could skip away while I was gone?
Nah nothing like that Charlie.
Don’t Charlie me. I knew you’d been acting odd these last few—Then the feeling in Charlie’s chest clicked into recognition. He got it. You weren’t here to see me. You were coming for Sarah.
Ethan said nothing.
You fucker, Charlie whispered. You rotten bastard. You absolute—
Oh come off it mate. You saw she wasn’t happy here. Every person saw it. The kids at the orphanage knew it too. I mean bloody hell, everyone knows what happened. To her. To me. And that Scott saying real bad shit once you were off the bus—
You broke his jaw? Charlie said. That was you who broke it and pinned the note on him? I had to sit through bloody assembly with everyone staring at me. I went the whole day with everyone avoiding—
I rocked up and no one gave a shit, Ethan said. I at least thought you’d have figured that though. Didn’t think you were that stupid.
I’m not stupid, I just didn’t want to believe it. I’m your friend, I-I have to believe these things aren’t true. It’s our friendship. But—Charlie stopped. That day he had believed it was Ethan, deep down he knew it had been. He just didn’t want to know it.
That’s why she wanted to leave, Ethan said. Sure you’ve been there for her, but you’ve never asked her about it. You’ve never tried to understand how she’s feeling.
But I did, Charlie said. We did. It’s just I thought it would make her worse. And mum, you know it took a lot on her.
Ethan was shaking his head. But that’s it, you thought you knew what she wanted, not what she actually wanted. She just wanted someone to listen to her.
But we did. Charlie was feeling desperate, he had listened. All afternoon as she divulged so much. I would’ve talked with her, he said. I’d give her a hug if she’d let me. I know mum would’ve.
But Ethan was still shaking his head. I think even you know Charlie that your mum didn’t want to touch her.
Charlie felt his chest getting light, his head heavy. His breath hard to catch.
Charlie, you know she was raped, right?
Yeah, Charlie said. But I just, you know, it’s a bit private. Tightening in his whole body.
For three days. Beaten. Tied up—
Stop it, Charlie said.
They tortured her after having killed my parents.
I know, I said stop it.
And because of that, because of what happened, your mum didn’t want to touch her.
That’s not true, Charlie said. His eyes feeling to water, heaves in his throat. Mum loved, loves, Sarah.
Yeah but she loves God more. Not only was her daughter no longer untouched, she had a baby in her.
Shut up! Charlie yelled.
Pastor Philips told me. Your mum’s been going to confession for ages—
Charlie went to swing at Ethan but then stopped. Knew he was the weaker of the two. I want you to leave, he said, turning away from Ethan and crying. Ethan bullying him like this just to make him feel worse. He supposed he couldn’t have been a bystander forever. Just go on and leave. Like you were going to.
You gotta grow up Charlie. Even the good are bad, Ethan said, then slid the window up and left.
Charlie felt the cold wind blowing on him. His cheeks cold and wet. He heard his mother sit up in bed next door, probably heard him crying. But never came. The light in the hall stayed off. Eventually his sobbing subsided and all that was left was his anger at Ethan.
He lay there cursing him. Using every dirty word he could imagine. Even the real bad ones he heard when his dad took him to the pub. He went over every facet of Ethan’s life and hoped him suffering. He’d never felt so betrayed. What shamed him the most was that at one point he pitied Ethan for having no friends. But then as he’d got to know him, and they became friends, he’d looked up to him. His confidence a beacon for Charlie to aim for. The anger that Ethan had exuded on others at times Charlie ignored, because it hadn’t been on him. But now that it was on him he felt stupid and ashamed. Embarrassed. Annoyed at Ethan and his arrogance. Hurt by his casualness. Sitting there in the dark cleaning his nails—
Charlie’s breath caught. Cleaning his nails. Ethan said he’d been on dish washing duty this evening, why were his nails dirty? And how had he found out about Sarah so quickly when the police only left an hour or two ago? There was no way—unless Ethan hadn’t been telling the truth. That what he wanted to talk about was something else entirely. Charlie wasted no time. He threw on a pair of jeans and jumper and slipped on his boots. He was out the window and on the trail to the orphanage.
Charlie was at the back wall perimeter. He slipped over and began stalking towards the rear room at the back of the orphanage. Ethan’s room light was on. He was the oldest in the institution, an accomplishment he despised. Of course, as Ethan said, they always adopt the young ones anyway. But it hadn’t stopped him from being hurt, Charlie thought, going from shadow to shadow.
The orphanage was a big brick building behind the church. It had been Ethan’s home for almost three years now. He’d gone in and out of a few foster homes, stayed with his father a few times, but he always came back. It never worked out. He never wanted it to. Charlie couldn’t help but feel, now that he’d been smited by his friend, that in a way he’d never truly known him. Ethan had always evolved, changed for who he was around. Like a chameleon. He imagined that maybe no one at the orphanage even knew Ethan. Perhaps Sarah hadn’t even known? He hoped.
He crossed the small concrete yard, goal posts either end, the little kitchenette at the back of the building about the size of a bedroom. Long cleared out of its facilities, it was an empty room. Ethan’s lone bed. The light on in the small window. A dull glow. Charlie came up to the door. Heard some scuttling and movements inside. He backed away from the door and went back around to the small window. It had been more of an evacuation point for the kitchen fumes. Barely bigger enough to—the window was slightly ajar.
Charlie heard the scuttling more prominently. Scratching and grunting. The conversation with Ethan all those years ago came back. Worms. Humiliation. Going with him… He looked in through the window.
Pastor Philips tied to the bedposts of Ethan’s bed. Ethan kneeling over the pastor, hands clasped around his throat, worms overflowing from his mouth as he choked him to death.
Charlie fell back horrified. The dirt under the nails. The worms, all these years. He brought himself back up, he couldn’t let Ethan kill the pastor. He ran to the door and burst through. The door slammed shut behind. Ethan turned, face scratched and bleeding, but triumphant. Pastor Philips lay still below him.
What have you done? Charlie asked.
What had to be done, Ethan said. He stood from the bed and looked at Charlie. You don’t know Charlie, all these years, this time—you can’t say anything.
But Charlie’s eyes were stuck on the dead pastor. His body frozen, hands reaching out and up. The worms in his mouth still wriggling. You’ve killed him, he said. You’ve actually killed him.
I had to, Ethan said. You don’t get it. Sarah did.
But you can’t—Charlie felt like he was gonna vomit. His knees buckled. You can’t do that, he whispered from the floor.
You don’t know, Ethan said. He wiped his hands of the dirty worms on his pants. Put his shirt back on. And you’re not gonna tell anyone. No one’s gonna know about this Charlie. None. This is a secret between you and me. Cause I’ll know if you tell.
We have to tell though, Charlie said. This, this is—But Charlie didn’t know Ethan anymore. He couldn’t say the word, murder. He scuttled away from him, towards the door on his rear. His eyes going between body and Ethan.
Where’re you going? Ethan asked, untying the hands of the pastor to the bedhead. Two candles burning on either side of the bed. One flickering out.
I have to get home, C
harlie said. Mum’s probably worried—
Not this time Charlie, Ethan said. Casually walking towards Charlie. You can be a bit late. Help an old friend out. Sarah would’ve. She was going to help me.
No. No my sister would never—
You don’t know what your sister would’ve done, Ethan said matter of factly. Not unless you know what she, we, went through. We were gonna do all this. Now we have to.
What’re you doing?
We’re gonna burn this place down, Ethan said. Starting here. I’ll get the kids out. The building will burn along with this sicko in it. And no one will ever have to come here again. Ethan stopped talking, his body shaking. Then laughter breaking free from him. Booming and shallow in the small room. I’m free Charlie. Don’t you see? I’m free to be and do whatever I want. I can leave now.
But you’re not old enough, Charlie said. You can’t—
Who’s gonna stop me? Ethan gesturing at the dead pastor. I can leave and disappear.
Charlie couldn’t understand it. It was overwhelming him. He couldn’t see it. He couldn’t see how it fit. His sister, killing the pastor? Who were the bad guys here? But who made you like this? If you know—
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