by Jayci Lee
“Aubrey.” Warm, strong hands wrapped around her arms. “Aubrey, are you okay? What’s happening? What do I need to do?”
“You need to,” she said in between breaths, “calm down.”
Fucking Braxton Hicks. The so-called practice contractions had been coming more often lately, and they hurt like hell. This one was likely triggered by the shock of seeing Landon again. But as always, the contractions faded quickly, and Aubrey straightened to her full height, belatedly jerking her arms out of his hands.
“We need to get you to a hospital. Let me grab my keys.” Unfortunately, the panicking man in front of her hadn’t calmed down like she’d instructed. “Fucking hell. I shouldn’t have brought you here so suddenly. I thought I would die if I didn’t see you again. I couldn’t wait any longer. Goddamn it. I’m so sorry.”
“Look at me.” She kept her voice steady even though the words coming out of his mouth kicked her pulse up to an alarming rate. Only after she’d repeated herself a couple times did Landon raise his gaze to hers. “You see? I’m fine, so calm down.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” His eyes darted over her face and body as though she might crumple to the ground any minute.
No, she wasn’t okay. Why was everyone asking her that? Couldn’t they see she was far from okay? Seeing Landon made her so fucking happy, mad, and terrified at the same time. She wanted to curl up into a ball and cry herself unconscious.
“Yes, I’m fine. But unless you’re planning to stand out here to talk, I’d rather go inside and have a seat.”
“Of course. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
He stepped to her side and moved as though he were about to wrap his arm around her. She stiffened and pulled away.
“Don’t,” she said with a burst of fury. “You do not get to touch me.”
Landon cringed at her vehement words, but he dropped his arms and took a step away with sorrow swimming in his dark eyes. “After you.”
The warmth of the house welcomed them as they stepped inside, and she allowed Landon to take her coat. He was so careful not to touch her that she hurt a little for him.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
He wouldn’t quite meet her eyes as he led her to a cozy living room with a fire gently burning in the fireplace. In the brightness of the room, Aubrey finally noticed how thin and gaunt Landon had become. He still appeared strong and broad, but his clothes hung loosely, his jawline was too sharp, and his cheeks had a sunken look to them. She could tell he’d shaved recently, but his overgrown hair curled at his collar, and there were dark shadows under his weary eyes. Landon looked sad and starkly beautiful as though he’d walked through hell to stand in front of her.
He offered her a deep, upholstered armchair, and she shook her head and chose a firm love seat instead. A deep, relieved sigh escaped her as she settled her tired body into it. Landon’s gaze sharpened at the sound, but he didn’t hover or fuss. He took an armchair close by her and sat forward, resting his elbows on his thighs.
“You found out about the baby,” Aubrey said when Landon sat silently.
“Yes,” he said huskily.
“Is that why I’m here?”
“Yes and no.”
“Are we playing twenty questions? If I recall, you were the one who wanted to see me.”
“And you didn’t? Want to see me?” His softly spoken words twisted like a dagger in her heart, and his desperate, searching eyes clogged her throat with pain and resentment.
What could he possibly expect me to say? Fuck him. Fuck him for breaking my heart. Fuck him for putting me through this.
“I’m not going to apologize for not telling you about the baby. If you’d let me explain what was in the bottle, you would’ve known months ago. But you made it clear that I was nothing more than a passing fling to you. There was no way I was letting you treat my baby like you treated me. You will not hide her in the shadows. She will never be your shameful secret. She is my heart, my blood, and she will be loved, cherished, and raised up high for the world to see.”
“Please, Aubrey. I never meant … God, I’m so sorry. Please listen.”
“I don’t want your excuses or apologies.” Suddenly, she felt depleted, and exhaustion rose in a wave to drown her. “I want closure. I need to move on. Whatever was between us is in the past.”
“Nothing,” he said brokenly. “Nothing is in the past for me, because I know in my heart we aren’t finished. This is all about now and the future. Our future. That’s why I asked you to come.”
“Our future?” Aubrey blinked, her heart pounding in her ears. She shook her head. “Landon, there is no future for us. I’m not going to be your mistress.”
He seemed to fall apart before her eyes. He dragged his hands down the sides of his face, his mouth gaping. She saw his bleeding, tortured soul. His eyes glistened with unshed tears, and desperation contorted every inch of his face.
“I love you, Aubrey. Being with you means more than my fucking reputation or my career. I love you, and I want forever with you.”
“No, you don’t.” It felt as though her blood drained from the tips of her fingers, and her body became a heavy, hollow shell. “You don’t love me. You can’t. A part of me died that day.”
“I know I hurt you, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.”
“No, you don’t understand. It killed me to leave you even after everything you’d said. I loved you so much, I died a little watching you hurt. Do you understand? You couldn’t have done what you did to me if you’d loved me even a little.”
“I was afraid. I was so afraid.” Landon stumbled out of his chair and knelt at her feet. “I was a coward. I ran from everything that mattered to me when my dad abandoned us. Loving you meant I could disappoint and fail you like my father failed his family. I thought I was so much like him. I was terrified of fucking up and losing you.”
What? A spark of hope lit and flickered in her soul. But how can I trust him?
“Then how?” she asked despite herself. “Why?”
“I thought if I pushed you away, then I would still be able to salvage what pathetic life I had left and protect you and your career. But it was already too late for me. I love you, Aubrey. I’m nothing without you. I can’t … Please. God knows I don’t deserve you, but please forgive me.”
The truth of his words—the truth of his love—was painted on his pleading face. Woven into his imploring words.
Aubrey had thought she’d wanted to stop hoping. She’d thought she’d wanted closure. But she was wrong. She wasn’t strong enough. She, too, was a coward in the face of what he was offering. His vulnerability. Her power. It was too much. If she opened her heart to him and he broke it again, she wouldn’t be able to survive. Not this time.
Sorry, baby girl. Mommy’s too afraid. I’m too afraid to fight anymore.
* * *
The light seemed to go out of Aubrey, and Landon’s heart fell like a rock sinking to the bottom of the riverbed. No. God, no. There was no hate. No anger. There was nothing. He would rather have her contempt and disgust. God knew he deserved that. But her empty eyes shot icy fear through him. He was too late. She was done with him.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Aubrey.” He gripped her hands in desperation. Get angry. Slap me if you’d like. Just don’t leave me.
“I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t.” Her voice was small and far away. Like she’d already left him.
“Everything went to hell when I let you go. I can’t live without you.” He blinked rapidly to ward off the moisture gathering in the corners of his eyes. He couldn’t lose her again. “Please give us a chance.”
“I can’t. I tried, but I ended up losing you.”
Landon clawed at his chest. It hurt so much. But he wasn’t giving up. If this was what it took to win her back, then he’d suffer this and more.
“If you’ll have me, you will never lose me. You’ll never be rid of me.”
He huffed with nervous laughter. “I love you, and I’m going to fight for our love. I won’t give up.”
“I’m scared, Landon. I can’t fight for us again.”
“Then don’t. I’ll do the fighting for both of us. It took me so long to find my way back to you. This is it for me. You are my life. I would crawl through hell for you. I’ll fight for us even if it means I have to carry you to do it. Trust me. I won’t drop you. Losing you means losing myself. I will never give up on us. Please, Aubrey.”
A sob wrenched from her, and she cried. Her agony and grief poured out of her and gutted him. He’d done this to her. He didn’t deserve her forgiveness or love. He deserved to burn in hell. But he could never go because he had to stay with Aubrey and their baby to love, cherish, and protect them. To shout from the rooftops he was theirs. If only they’d have him.
“I’m here.” He sat beside her and gathered her into his lap. “I’ll always be here. I’ll never let you go.”
After a long while, her sobs quieted, and she stayed in his arms. His breath caught in his throat with a rush of hope.
“I’ll spend the rest of my life cherishing you. If you’ll have me, I’m forever yours—body, heart, and soul.”
She sighed softly, warming his neck with her breath. He shivered and sat still, afraid she would disappear from his arms if he moved. Finally, she lifted her head and searched his face.
“Landon, what have you been doing to yourself?”
“Trying to survive, I guess. Trying not to feel, not to remember, not to hurt.” He released his breath in a shuddering sigh, relieved that she was talking to him again. His reflection in the mirror that morning had been gaunt and pale. Eating and sleeping hadn’t been on the top of his to-do list. “Mostly trying to keep myself away from you.”
“Why? Why didn’t you come for me sooner?”
“I couldn’t even let myself hope that there was a chance you’d take me back. I’d hurt you so badly. I was too ashamed and too scared to go to you. But the more time has passed, the clearer it has become that I can’t live without you.”
“I read your article in California Coast Monthly,” she said in a hushed tone.
“You did?” he said dumbly. He didn’t know what else to say. Did she know, then? Did she understand how much he loved her? Landon rubbed a hand down his face.
“You said you were hopelessly in love with the pastry chef. I’m assuming you meant me.”
“You. Only you. Always you.”
“Landon?”
“Hmm?” He was staring at her like the lovesick man he was. He shook his head to clear it. “Sorry. What is it?”
“You’ve been saying sorry a lot.”
“Because I am. I truly am.”
“No, I mean, you never say the actual word sorry. You always own your mistakes and do everything in your power to make things right, but I’ve never heard you say sorry before.”
“I never realized that.” Landon cocked his head to the side and wondered what she meant. Did he really never use that word? He believed mere lip service was meaningless without action. “An apology feels pointless when it doesn’t change anything. I guess I prefer to right my wrongs with actions rather than words.”
“Then why now?”
“I don’t know. I want you to know how miserable I am for hurting you. I wish my words, even if they don’t fix anything, could soothe your wounds. I can’t undo what I’ve done, but I want you to know I am sorry, and I want a chance to make up for it.”
“Hmm.” She nodded thoughtfully and glanced down at the hand she had pressed against his heart.
He followed her gaze, and his eyes fell on her rounded belly. Guilt twisted like a knife in his chest. “God, Aubrey. I had no idea. I should’ve been there for you. I didn’t know until I opened the bottle.”
“Even if you knew, I wouldn’t have wanted you to stay with me because of the baby.”
“No. It’s you I want. I’ll always want you. I’m ecstatic about our baby, but you are my life.” Unable to hold back, he cupped her smooth cheek in his hand. “Having a baby with you is icing on the cake. When I found out you were pregnant, I realized I’d been dreaming of having a family with you.”
Her shoulders rose and fell as she breathed deeply through her nose, and then she reached for his shaking hand and placed it on her stomach. For a moment, he felt nothing but the heat of her, and then a rounded edge nudged against his palm. Landon snatched his hand away, worried he’d startled the baby.
“Are you okay? Is the baby okay?”
“We’re both fine. I think she wants to say hello,” Aubrey said, some softness entering her voice.
“She?” His heart expanded with love he didn’t know he was capable of.
“Yes, we’re having a daughter. In just about three months.”
How could I be so happy? He didn’t deserve them, but he knew without a doubt that he couldn’t live without them. Landon’s neck and shoulders strained as though he were physically restraining the hope that was fighting to free itself within him. He couldn’t let his desperation color what her words meant.
“Are you still afraid, Landon?”
“No, because I won’t fail you.”
“But that’s not possible.” He sucked in a breath to protest strongly, but Aubrey placed the tips of her fingers on his parted lips. Even at a time like this, his body jumped in response. “Life isn’t perfect, but that’s okay. If you falter, I’ll catch you, and you’ll do the same for me.”
Landon froze and stopped breathing until air whooshed out from his lungs in a rush. “Does that mean … Does that mean you’ll have me?”
“Oh, I’ll have you, all right.” Aubrey’s voice was strong and bold as though nothing held her back.
Landon stared at her in awe. If he spoke, she might disappear. But a bright, wonderous smile lit her face.
“You’re right. We are worth fighting for. No matter what.”
“You’re amazing.” He gazed at her with wide-eyed wonder. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Landon Kim, I’m forever yours—heart, body, and soul,” Aubrey said. “I’ll hold and cherish your heart in mine, as I trust you to hold my heart in yours.”
Relief, love, and joy rushed through him, and he began trembling.
“Oh, Landon.” She tightened her arms around him. “Hush, love. We’re together. Everything is all right now.”
“Now that you’re mine, I’m never letting you go.” He spoke when his teeth finally stopped chattering.
“I’m counting on it.” She leaned in to kiss him, but he rose from the couch, pulling her to her feet. Not yet. We have time now.
“Close your eyes and come with me.” He led her down the hallway, tightly gripping her hand. “Now open them.”
They were in the nursery. He hadn’t known the sex of the baby, so Aria had suggested he paint the room a soft cream with a matching baby mobile and plush nursing chair. He hadn’t known half the stuff in the room even existed, but he’d done his research to create a nursery that Aubrey would love. A place she would want to raise their baby in.
“Do you like it?” When she remained silent and still, Landon rubbed the back of his neck and rushed to explain himself. “You could change anything you don’t like. I didn’t know we were having a daughter.”
“Is this your house? You bought a house by Weldon?”
“Our house. Your life, your friends, and your dream. It’s all in Weldon. I would never take you away from that. I know you have a cottage, but with the baby coming, I thought we would need more room. Especially when we have more children.” Heat rose from his neck, and he shrugged sheepishly. “I mean, if you want more children, that is.”
“Landon, I love it. This nursery is perfect for her. And this wonderful house, we’ll make it our home. For us and the rest of the munchkins to come.”
He nodded again and again, the lump in his throat preventing him from speaking. Landon didn’t know what he’d done to deserve Aubr
ey, but he would live the rest of his life becoming worthy of her.
Aubrey’s gaze shifted from his face, and a strained silence fell. She walked around the room, running her hands over the furniture. “When did you do all this? The house? The nursery?”
“As soon as I found your message in a bottle. Aria and Lucien were a huge help. Annoying as hell, but helpful nonetheless.” His words tripped over each other. “Will you and the baby live here with me?”
“Of course.” Aubrey cocked her head and gave Landon a mischievous look. “Where else would we stay? You’d better not be trying to get out of diaper duty.”
With a burst of nervous laughter, Landon rushed to her side and grasped her hands, falling into the depths of her warm, brown eyes. Hardly believing she was real, he leaned down and kissed her until they were both breathless.
“Aubrey Choi, I love you with everything I am.”
“And I love you more than words.”
“Are you really mine?” he said, running his thumb across her rosy cheek.
“Yes. I’m yours forever and ever.” She turned her head and placed a kiss in the palm of his hand.
“What did I do to deserve you?”
“Some guys just have all the luck.”
25
Landon stepped out of the kitchen, drying his hands on a dish towel. He had some time before he needed to grill the meat, so he joined his younger brother on the porch.
“Lucky bastard,” Seth mumbled, taking another bite out of the brownie cookie. Another Aubrey Choi masterpiece—a perfect amalgam of rich, dark chocolate and chewy cookie. “You get to eat this stuff whenever you want?”
He chuckled at his brother’s envy, his eyes traveling to Aubrey at the other side of the backyard. She was laughing at something his mom said, her nose crinkled in the way he adored. His heart stopped for a split second before it kicked up double time. God, he loved her so much. As though she’d heard his thoughts, Aubrey’s gaze sought his. When their eyes met across the way, time slowed and sound faded, and it was just the two of them. A soft blush spread across her cheeks, and love glowed on her face. He really did have all the luck.