The Vows We Break

by Briana Cole

  I wheeled the car to the front, but instead of waiting for Jahmad to bring him out, I unhooked the car seat and carried it inside. Jahmad was seated in one of the lobby chairs, and as I walked up, he glanced behind him to the windows. I paused. Had he seen what had gone down in the parking lot?

  “Can you take him in your car?” I asked, fixing my voice so the request was as innocent as possible. “My ‘check engine’ light just came on, and I don’t want to chance anything with JayJay in the car.” Jahmad nodded, his face neutral. Did he believe me?

  I set the car seat on a nearby chair and watched as he placed the baby gently inside. He moved slowly and precisely, his fingers careful over the snaps and buckles as he took his time securing Jamaal’s tiny body.

  “It’s probably nothing,” I murmured at his continued silence. The quiet was making me even more uneasy. “Just want to be sure first before I ride with him.”

  “I get it,” Jahmad said as he grabbed the carrier’s handle. “Want to be on the safe side. Anything can happen, right?”

  I didn’t know if there was a subtext in the comment or if it was my own guilt, but for some reason, I didn’t like the way he said that statement.

  I merely nodded and walked away first. I would have to fix my issue with Jahmad later. Right now I had to be careful, just in case Leo was somewhere watching. And as a precaution I needed to leave the hospital exactly as I wanted it to appear to be. Coincidentally that was exactly how I felt: alone.

  Chapter 7

  It took a few days, but I finally mustered up enough courage to approach Jahmad. Walking around the house, just remaining cordial while we both occupied our time with work and Jamaal was enough to make anyone insane. Don’t get me wrong, tending to my baby was rewarding enough and it did keep me distracted from my own personal issues. But while he was sleeping, it gave me time to reflect on the awkward tension that filled the house, filled the space between us, and the void was more prevalent than ever before, especially when Jahmad didn’t try to dissuade me from sleeping on the futon in Jamaal’s nursery while he slept in his room alone.

  I laid Jamaal down in his crib and, as usual, I stood quietly staring at him. A sliver of moonlight shone through the cracked blinds and cast a dim glow onto his angelic face. A face that looked so much like mine. His lips were parted to let in tiny breaths that had his chest rising and falling in quick succession.

  I glanced at the Superman clock on the wall. A quarter until eight. Still early. While I knew I should be getting some sleep for the next four hours before Jamaal woke up for his feeding, I was even more anxious to finally talk to Jahmad. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I didn’t.

  I belted my satin robe and left the room, leaving the door slightly ajar behind me. Murmured noises from a TV echoed from downstairs, so I made my way to the living room on the main floor.

  Sure enough, Jahmad was propped up on the couch wearing only a t-shirt and sweat pants. The light from the TV show illuminated his chiseled arms, and I couldn’t help but take him in for a bit. The man was still as sexy as ever. And the fact that he hadn’t touched me since he made dinner for me last week was enough to stir my restrained desire.

  Jahmad looked up from the phone in his hand and tossed a casual look in my direction. I smiled, hoping to appear as if I had just come in the room and hadn’t been standing there staring at him like some mindless dummy.

  “Hey, you,” I greeted, taking a seat on the leather loveseat opposite him.

  Jahmad yawned and used his head to gesture to the ceiling. “Is he okay?”

  “Yeah, he’s asleep for now.”

  For a while, only the TV and gentle snores from the baby monitor filled the silence in the room. On a sigh, I turned to Jahmad, whose attention was back to something on his cell phone.

  “You feel like talking?” I asked him, dreading but needing to address the elephant in the room. Jahmad obviously knew it too, because he set his phone on the coffee table and adjusted himself to a seated position on the couch. “I found a house,” I started. I kept my eyes focused on him, attempting to judge every breath, every blink in his reaction. “Not far from my parents’ house. Nice neighborhood, and just enough space for me and Jamaal. I wanted to get your thoughts.”

  Jahmad seemed lost in thought for a brief moment before he spoke up. “Kimmy, I want you to do what you got to do. If you’re trying to guilt me—”

  “I’m not trying to do anything,” I snapped, suddenly angry because he knew that was exactly what I was trying to do. “I’m just saying this is an important decision that affects all of us. Not just me. We have Jamaal to think about. Excuse the hell outta me for trying to be considerate, Jahmad.”

  Jahmad rubbed his hand over his beard, an obvious display of his frustration, but I didn’t care. Shit, I was frustrated too. He was making this more difficult than it needed to be.

  I took a breath and tried a different tactic. “Baby, listen,” I said, my voice softer. “I want us to be in this together. You know how I feel about us, and you know I want us to make this work, but I don’t want to pressure you. What do you want, Jahmad?” I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until my chest tightened. I released it through clenched teeth, praying he gave the response I was hoping for.

  “Who was that in the parking lot, Kimera?”

  Shit. That was definitely not the response I was hoping for. “Who?” It was a weak stall but a stall nonetheless. I averted my eyes as my mind went into overdrive, fumbling for a realistic answer other than the truth.

  “The parking lot,” he repeated as if I hadn’t heard him. “At the hospital. You were taking so long and I looked out the window to see you having a conversation with some dude.”

  I tried to lace as much agitation into my sigh as possible. “Is that what this is about?” I asked. “Because some guy was trying to talk to me? Really, Jahmad?”

  “So you didn’t know who that was?” His voice was softer now, like he wanted to believe me. But still, those traces of doubt I heard had me rising and moving to sit next to him. I sat close, our thighs touching, and I rested my chin on his shoulder.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with us,” I murmured. “But I know I want us to get back on track. I want to be with you and only you, Jahmad. I want Jamaal to grow up with both of us. I want that happily ever after like my brother and Adria. Like my parents. Is that too much to ask?”

  “I’m being considered for a promotion,” Jahmad said simply.

  I pulled back in confusion. Where the hell had that come from? “Okay,” I said speaking carefully. “Congratulations.”

  “It’s back in Texas.”

  I felt my temper rising as he waited, one second, then two, all the while watching for my reaction. Good, because I was damn sure about to give him what I knew he was expecting. “And you’re actually considering this, Jahmad? What the hell?”

  “It’s not just an easy decision like that, Kimera.” His calm attitude only heightened my anger, and I stood to pace the living room.

  “The hell it’s not. What about me? What about Jamaal?” Now I was full-blown yelling and I didn’t care.

  “Kimmy, lower your voice.” Jahmad glanced at the baby monitor, appearing satisfied when the sleeping noises continued coming through the speaker. “I have been thinking about you and the baby. That’s what’s been on my mind for a few weeks now.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me then?”

  “Because look how you’re acting.”

  I crossed my arms over my breasts, my lips in a pout, because, dammit, he was right. But still, I had a right to be angry. “I don’t see how this is even a consideration,” I snapped. “I mean, damn, what’s in Texas?”

  “It’s a good opportunity,” Jahmad said. “One that I wanted before I moved back here. I would be lying if I said I haven’t been considering it.”

  I rubbed my hands through my short hair, cupped them on my neck, willing myself to calm down. I inhaled, then slowly released a breath,
expecting the best but preparing myself for the worst. “So?” I spoke carefully. “What are you going to do?”

  Jahmad waited a beat, then shrugged. “Like I said, it’s a lot to think about. And I don’t have to make any type of decision now because we don’t even know if they’re going to offer me the job. I’m just in the running for it.”

  “But what if they offer it to you? Then what, Jahmad?”

  He stood now and, crossing to me, placed his hands on my forearms. “Then we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it,” he said. I sure as hell was not comforted by those words. That meant it was still a possibility. His ass should have been trying to convince me he didn’t want the job, had no intentions of taking it, had already told them to hell with the position because he had his family here, namely his girlfriend and son. What the hell was there to cross? There shouldn’t have even been a fucking bridge to come to.

  “I know you just mentioned the house you found,” he went on at my continued silence. “And if you want it, I won’t stop you. But I’ve been tossing another idea around. Since Jamaal is home, I really don’t want to be shuffling him back and forth. At least not now. Spend the night here, spend the night there. I want him to have that stability of a two-parent household. So how about you stay here with us.”

  I sighed. Not exactly the rationale I wanted to hear, but at least we had agreed for me to move in. I just couldn’t help the disappointment that he wasn’t thinking about me, Kimera his girlfriend, but Kimera his child’s mother. We still hadn’t addressed the main issue. What about us?

  But perhaps with me living here, Jahmad would remember all that, would be reminded that I’m the one for him, forgetting all that shit in the past. Maybe then he would be encouraged to forget that damn job offer altogether because he saw how good we were together as a family. It was what I wanted for sure, and I knew it was what he wanted, no matter how hard he tried to pretend different.

  I nodded my agreement. I sure as hell would move in and spend my time working on getting us back to where we needed to be. After a few months, I was sure I would have this man dropping to his knee and having me looking at wedding dresses. There was no doubt in my mind.

  * * *

  With everything going on, I didn’t realize how much I had missed my girl until she breezed through the door and threw her arms around me. She smelled of the sand and sea, and she still carried etches of the islands in her crochet halter top-and-pants suit, showing her sun-kissed complexion and tiger-like stripes of the tan lines from her bathing suit.

  I stood back and noted the grin splitting Adria’s face; she must’ve eaten damn good because she looked like she brought back a few extra pounds with her. She was certainly glowing, and it looked amazing on her.

  “I’m so glad you’re back,” I said, and I meant it. She had come over to watch Jamaal while I ran some errands, but now I didn’t want to leave. We had so much to catch up on.

  “Girl, I’m glad to be back,” she said and flipped her curly bangs from her face. I was loving the natural look on her loose, kinky curls that framed her round face. “You know I brought something for you and my nephew.” Adria offered me a shopping bag, and I accepted it with a slight groan.

  “Adria, you know you didn’t have to do that.”

  “Shut up. Don’t tell me what to do with my money.” She looped her arm through mine and steered me to the living room where I had work papers strewn across the coffee table and my laptop on the couch where I had been diligently working before she rang the doorbell.

  Jamaal lay in his swing, a pacifier in his mouth, his eyes seemingly engaged by the flickering images from the muted TV, though it was probably all a blur to him.

  Adria made a beeline in his direction, already fumbling with the buckles to unhook him from the seat. “How is my baby, huh?” She lifted him into her arms. “Did you miss Auntie? You missed Auntie, didn’t you?”

  “How was Jamaica?” I asked.

  “Fun. Beautiful. And exhausting,” Adria admitted. She sat down, snuggling the baby tight in her arms. “What about you? What’s new? Where’s Jahmad?”

  I didn’t realize I’d released the heavy breath I’d been holding.

  “Aw, hell.” Adria stopped rocking the baby as worry creased her forehead. “I don’t like the sound of that.”

  Yeah, and I didn’t like forming my lips to speak on this foolishness either. “It’s just one thing after another,” I admitted. “We are so up and down and all over the damn place, Adria. And just when I think we’re good, he springs some bullshit on me out the blue that’s got me questioning whether this man even loves me at all.”

  “Girl, you make it sound like some Young and the Restless shit. What did he say?”

  For some reason, reflecting on his words again, his seemingly nonchalant attitude about me and our whole dilemma, had tears stinging my eyelids. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing this man again.

  I had a brief flashback of my brother announcing Jahmad was moving to Texas all those years ago. Keon just mentioned it so casually over dinner, and my heart had stopped. No, Jahmad and I weren’t in any type of official relationship. Hell, we weren’t even sex buddies like we had been before. I was only in love with him and that idiot just hadn’t realized. Or if he had, he hadn’t cared.

  So imagine how distraught I was when he returned last year engaged. And so was I, for that matter, but I was in it for the money. Jahmad was in it for love, and that hurt, knowing someone else had captured his heart.

  But that was then and this was now. He had broken up with CeeCee for me, which proved he did love me. But could I say that now? Would he even be considering leaving if I still had his heart?

  “He’s being considered for this job back in Texas,” I murmured, trying my best to make the news sound more minor than it felt.

  “Are you kidding me?” Adria’s elevated tone had Jamaal flinching in her arms, and she quickly soothed him again. “No, for real, are you fucking kidding me?” she repeated, her tone lower. “Since when is this a thought? Keon ain’t said nothing about it.”

  I shrugged. “Keon may not know. Or if he did, girl, y’all have your own business to tend to. Not sitting up worrying about me and Jay. And he said it was just a consideration,” I added, trying to make myself feel better. “Nothing’s set in stone.”

  “He has you and a child here. What the hell is there to even consider?”

  My thoughts exactly, but I couldn’t let Adria send me into a panic. She shared my feelings on the issue, and rightfully so. If no one else had my back, Adria did. But if I fed into these crazy-ass emotions, I wouldn’t be able to do shit but worry. And that couldn’t be my focus right now. I had a child and a business to take care of.

  “He asked me to move in,” I added, trying to defuse the conversation. “So I’ll be over here now.”

  “Until when? He decides to move again?” Adria snapped, shaking her head. “I swear. Men ain’t shit.”

  I couldn’t help it. The scowl on her face, the anger I could tell was brewing had me laughing out loud. She was dead serious.

  “Men ain’t shit?” I echoed, relaxing into more laughter. “Says the newlywed fresh from her Caribbean honeymoon.”

  Adria smirked. “Keon ain’t shit either. Hell, none of them are. You have to just settle on the least ‘ain’t shit’ ones and deal with it.”

  “Okay, and how was your trip with your ‘ain’t shit’ husband?”

  And just like that, the angry tension over the Jahmad conversation was done. I listened to Adria gush over the way Keon had wined and dined her the entire time. He had even managed to get her big ass on a jet ski—her words, not mine. Each new memory she spoke of had her face lit, radiating that glow of a woman genuinely happy and in love. I smiled as I listened, knowing now would probably not be a good time to mention Leo like I had thought. It felt good to just sit and laugh, carefree, with my best friend. Why ruin it? Because I knew when and if I did mention how Leo wasn’t really dead, h
ad been sending me child support, how he was stalking me, demanding to see my son, how now I was afraid what this man was capable of because it certainly didn’t seem like he was going away, I knew all hell was about to break lose.

  Chapter 8

  I stared at the computer screen, but my mind was everywhere but the company website mock-up I should have been reviewing.

  It had been like that for days now. I was just going through the motions. Before, I had tried to use work as a crutch, a welcome distraction so I could keep my mind off my personal issues. But since Adria had been back, she’d dived headfirst back into preparing for our grand opening and taking control of a lot of the responsibilities. “You should be spending time with Jamaal,” she kept insisting. And she was right, but still. Between my mom and me, we were able to handle watching Jay all day. But when I was home alone with nothing but the baby to keep me company, I was so immersed in my own thoughts it was depressing. And after what I’d found last night, I didn’t need to be alone with my thoughts or I might do something crazy.

  Over the past few days, I had slowly made my way into sleeping in Jahmad’s bed. That at least was a plus, but, hell, it might as well have been separate rooms. He wasn’t rude or anything. Just . . . cordial. Polite. Like I was just a roommate and nothing more. There was no cuddling, no kissing.

  It started last night with me trying to have sex. My body was on fire and I felt starved. Damn, I needed this man and his hands on me. But he had made me feel so ashamed, like I was trying to rape him or some shit, I knew I wouldn’t have the nerve to try again.

  “Kimmy, come on now.” He had looked up at me, a frown marring his handsome face. “It’s late.”

  I had been on top, straddling his waist, the slinky lingerie I’d purchased sliding down my shoulders, revealing plenty of skin for my intentions. “What do you mean, Jahmad?” I asked, trying to keep the frustration from my voice.