by Neil Gaiman
301EXT. THE GARDEN OF EDEN – DAY – 4004 BC
TITLE CARD: THE GARDEN OF EDEN, 4004 BC
A few minutes after the end of the Eden scene in Episode One. Aziraphale is locking up the gate to the Garden of Eden: we see the garden, still sunny, and then the gates swing closed, and we are out in the rain of an African plain.
Aziraphale pats his hands together in a ‘job well done’ gesture. Then a BLINDING LIGHT shines down on him. A rumble of thunder.
GOD (V.O.)
Aziraphale. Angel of the Eastern Gate.
AZIRAPHALE
Yes, Lord. Hello, Lord.
GOD (V.O.)
Where is the flaming sword I gave you, Aziraphale, to guard the Gate of Eden?
AZIRAPHALE
Sword? Right. Big sharp cutty thing. Yes. Must have put it down somewhere. Forget my own head next.
He looks around guiltily as he waits for a reply. But the light fades.
AZIRAPHALE (CONT’D)
Oh dear.
302EXT. THE ARK – DAY – 3004 BC
TITLE CARD: MESOPOTAMIA, 3004 BC
It’s classical Noah’s Ark. Thunder rumbles but the rain hasn’t yet begun. Animals head past, two by two . . . SHEM, HAM and JAPHETH are herding animals along, shouting at them. This could be shot in a way that implies that we have the budget to show it all if we wanted to, we just don’t want to. Mostly it’s animal noises.
A CROWD has gathered to watch the animals go past. MOTHERS with BABIES, some KIDS who laugh and point.
Aziraphale, dressed as a local, but in white, is watching, from the sidelines, looking, well, awkward and shifty. As if he doesn’t want to be there. Crowley, dressed similarly but in black, sidles up next to him.
CROWLEY
Hello, Aziraphale.
AZIRAPHALE
Crawley.
CROWLEY
So. Giving the mortals the flaming sword. How did that work out for you?
AZIRAPHALE
The Almighty has never actually mentioned it again.
CROWLEY
Probably a good thing. What’s all this about? Build a big boat and fill it with a travelling zoo?
It’s been bothering Aziraphale. And he shouldn’t tell, but . . .
AZIRAPHALE
I probably shouldn’t be telling you. What with you being a demon and all that. But . . . from what I hear, God’s a bit tetchy. Wiping out the human race. Big storm.
CROWLEY
All of them?
AZIRAPHALE
Just the locals. I don’t believe the Almighty’s upset with the Chinese. Or the Native Americans. Or the Australians.
CROWLEY
Yet.
AZIRAPHALE
And God’s not actually going to wipe out ALL the locals. I mean, there’s Noah up there, his family, his sons, their wives, they’ll all be fine.
CROWLEY
But they’re drowning everybody else?
Aziraphale nods. Children laugh at a couple of large animals coming past.
CROWLEY (CONT’D)
Not the kids? You can’t kill kids.
Aziraphale nods again.
CROWLEY (CONT’D)
That’s more the kind of thing that you’d expect my lot to do.
AZIRAPHALE
I didn’t get any say. But God’s promised this will be the last time. Oh, and when it’s done, the Almighty’s going to put up a new thing called a rainbow, as a promise not to drown everyone again.
CROWLEY
How kind.
AZIRAPHALE
You can’t judge the Almighty, Crawley. God’s plans are . . .
CROWLEY
Are you going to say ‘ineffable’?
AZIRAPHALE
Possibly.
Crowley and Aziraphale watch the animals going past. A boom of distant thunder. The first raindrops begin to fall.
CROWLEY
(calls out)
Oy! Shem! That unicorn’s going to make a run for it if . . . oh, too late. Well, you’ve still got one of them.
303EXT. GOLGOTHA – DAY – 33 AD
TITLE CARD: GOLGOTHA, 33 AD
JESUS is being nailed to the cross by a CENTURION. Aziraphale, in a white robe, is part of a small crowd watching from below, and he’s wincing at each hammer blow . . .
JESUS
(muttering through the pain)
Father, please . . . you have to forgive them . . . they don’t know what they are doing . . .
Crowley, in black, comes up next to Aziraphale.
CROWLEY
You’ve come to smirk at the poor bugger, have you?
AZIRAPHALE
Smirk? Me?
CROWLEY
Well, your lot put him on there.
AZIRAPHALE
I am not consulted on policy decisions, Crawley.
CROWLEY
I’ve changed it.
AZIRAPHALE
Changed what?
CROWLEY
My name. Crawley just wasn’t doing it for me. A bit too squirming at your feet-ish.
AZIRAPHALE
Well, you were a snake. So what is it now? Mephistopheles? Asmodeus?
CROWLEY
Crowley.
More hammer blows. They wince.
AZIRAPHALE
Did you . . . ever meet him?
CROWLEY
Yes. Seemed a very bright young man. I showed him all the kingdoms of the world.
AZIRAPHALE
Why?
CROWLEY
This is first-century Palestine. Travel opportunities are limited.
(he winces)
Ow. That’s got to hurt. What was it he said that got everyone so upset again?
AZIRAPHALE
Be kind to each other.
CROWLEY
Yeah. That’ll do it.
304EXT. ANCIENT ROME – DAY – 41 AD
TITLE CARD: ROME, 8 YEARS LATER
Crowley, in a black toga, with sunglasses, sits down at a counter. A BARTENDER, female and black, with attitude.
CROWLEY
What have you got?
BARTENDER
It’s all written up there. Two sesterces an amphora for everything except the Greek retsina.
CROWLEY
I’ll have a jug of whatever you think is drinkable.
BARTENDER
Jug of house brown. Two sesterces.
Aziraphale, in a white toga, notices Crowley . . .
AZIRAPHALE
Crawley? Crowley? Fancy running into you here!
Aziraphale sits next to him.
AZIRAPHALE (CONT’D)
Still a demon, then?
CROWLEY
What kind of a stupid question is that? ‘Still a demon?’ What else am I going to be? An aardvark?
AZIRAPHALE
Just trying to make conversation.
CROWLEY
Well, don’t.
They sit for a moment. Then Crowley sighs and:
CROWLEY (CONT’D)
Cup of wine? It’s the house wine – dark.
(to bartender)
A cup for my acquaintance here.
She gives him an empty cup. Crowley pours wine from the jug into the cup, passes it to Aziraphale.
AZIRAPHALE
Salutaria! In Rome long?
CROWLEY
Just nipped in for a quick temptation.
AZIRAPHALE
Tempting anyone special?
CROWLEY
Emperor Caligula. Frankly, he doesn’t actually need any tempting to be appalling. Going to report it back to head office as a flaming success. You?
AZIRAPHALE
They want me to influence a boy called Nero. I thought I’d get him interested in music. Improve him.
CROWLEY
Couldn’t hurt. So, what else are you up to while you’re in Rome?
AZIRAPHALE
I thought I’d go to Petronius’s new restaurant. I hear he does remarkable things to oysters.
; CROWLEY
I’ve never eaten an oyster.
AZIRAPHALE
Let me tempt you to . . . Oops. That’s your job, isn’t it?
305EXT. ARTHURIAN BRITAIN – DAY – 537 AD
TITLE CARD: THE KINGDOM OF WESSEX, 537 AD
The fog is thick. Aziraphale is wearing armour, and walking up a hill, leading a white horse.
AZIRAPHALE
Hello? I, Sir Aziraphale of the Table Round, am here to speak to the Black Knight.
A small, shuffling figure dressed in rags appears and leads Aziraphale forward silently.
AZIRAPHALE (CONT’D)
Oh. Right. Hello. I was hoping to meet the Black Knight.
A knight in jet black armour steps out of the mist.
BLACK KNIGHT
You have sought the Black Knight, foolish one. But you have found your death.
There’s a beat. Then:
AZIRAPHALE
Is that you under there, Crawley?
The black knight removes his helm.
CROWLEY
Crowley.
AZIRAPHALE
What on earth are you playing at?
It’s hard to see in the mist, but there are other figures present.
CROWLEY
(to the others)
It’s all right, lads. I know him. He’s all right.
(to Aziraphale)
I’m here spreading foment.
AZIRAPHALE
Is that a kind of porridge?
CROWLEY
No! I’m, you know, fomenting dissent and discord. King Arthur’s spread a bit too much peace and tranquillity in the land. So I’m here, you know . . . Fomenting.
AZIRAPHALE
I’m, er, meant to be fomenting peace.
CROWLEY
So, we’re both working very hard in damp places and just cancelling each other out?
AZIRAPHALE
You could put it like that. It is a bit damp.
Crowley has an idea. A life-changing idea . . .
CROWLEY
Be easier if we’d both stayed home, and just sent messages back to our head offices saying we had done everything they asked for, wouldn’t it?
AZIRAPHALE
(shocked)
That would be lying!
CROWLEY
Possibly. But the end result would be the same. We cancel each other out.
AZIRAPHALE
But my dear fellow . . . they’d check! Michael is a bit of a stickler. And you do not want to get Gabriel upset with you.
CROWLEY
My lot have more to do than verify compliance reports from Earth. As long as they get the paperwork, they seem happy enough. I mean, as long as you’re being seen to be doing something now and again . . .
AZIRAPHALE
No! Absolutely not! I am shocked that you would even imply such a thing. We are not even having this conversation. Not another word.
CROWLEY
(disappointed)
Right.
AZIRAPHALE
Right.
306INT. THE GLOBE THEATRE – NIGHT – 1601
TITLE CARD: THE GLOBE THEATRE, LONDON, 1601
A play is being performed at The Globe. The audience consists of a very depressed playwright, SHAKESPEARE, and Aziraphale. Perhaps THREE or FOUR PEOPLE are also in the audience, dozing or leaning or paying no attention. Also an OYSTER WOMAN with an ice-cream-vendor style tray of oranges, kippers, oysters and grapes. Aziraphale is buying grapes.
OYSTER WOMAN
Kippers! Grapes! Oysters! Oranges!
AZIRAPHALE
Some grapes, please. They do look scrummy.
Crowley comes in and sees Aziraphale. Edges his way over to him. On the stage HAMLET looks at the absent audience, in a disappointed way . . . and he stands and stares at them.
CROWLEY
I thought you said we’d be inconspicuous here. Blend into the crowds.
AZIRAPHALE
Well, that was the idea. Grape?
CROWLEY
Ah, hang on. It’s not one of Shakespeare’s gloomy ones, is it? No wonder nobody’s here.
AZIRAPHALE
Shh. It’s him.
Aziraphale shushes him, as Shakespeare is approaching.
SHAKESPEARE
Prithee, gentles. Might I request a small favour? Could you, in your role as the audience, give us more to work with?
AZIRAPHALE
You mean, like when the ghost of his father came on, and I shouted ‘He’s behind you!’
SHAKESPEARE
Just so! That was jolly helpful. Made everyone on the stage feel appreciated. A bit more of that.
(to Hamlet)
Good Master Burbage, please. Speak the lines trippingly.
HAMLET
I’m wasting my time up here.
AZIRAPHALE
No, you’re very good. I love all the, the talking.
HAMLET
And what does your friend think?
AZIRAPHALE
He’s not my friend. We’ve never met before. We don’t know each other.
CROWLEY
I think you should get on with the play.
SHAKESPEARE
Yes, Burbage. Please.
Hamlet hesitates, then . . .
HAMLET
To be – or not to be – that is the question . . .
Aziraphale takes it like a panto question . . .
AZIRAPHALE
To be! I mean, Not to be! Come on, Hamlet! Buck up!
Hamlet gives Aziraphale a grateful thumbs up, then continues the soliloquy. Shakespeare mouths along, like a proud parent.
AZIRAPHALE (CONT’D)
He’s very good, isn’t he?
CROWLEY
Age does not wither nor custom stale his infinite variety.
SHAKESPEARE
Oh, I like that.
And he pulls out a scrap of paper to write it down.
AZIRAPHALE
What do you want?
The soliloquy continues on the stage.
CROWLEY
Why ever would you insinuate that I might possibly want something?
AZIRAPHALE
You are up to no good.
CROWLEY
Obviously. And you are up to good, I take it? Lots of good deeds?
AZIRAPHALE
No rest for the, well, good. I have to be in Edinburgh at the end of the week. A couple of blessings to do, and a minor miracle to perform. Apparently, I have to ride a horse to get there.
CROWLEY
Hard on the buttocks, horses. Major design flaw, if you ask me. I’m always expected to ride those big black jobs. With flashing eyes. Oddly enough, I’m meant to be heading to Edinburgh too this week. Tempting a clan leader to steal some cattle.
AZIRAPHALE
Doesn’t sound like hard work.
CROWLEY
That was why I thought we should . . . well, bit of a waste of effort. Both of us going all the way to Scotland.
AZIRAPHALE
You cannot actually be suggesting what I infer you are implying.
CROWLEY
Which is?
AZIRAPHALE
That just one of us goes to Edinburgh and does . . . both. The blessing and the tempting.
CROWLEY
We’ve done it before. Dozens of times now. The arrangement.
AZIRAPHALE
Don’t say that.
CROWLEY
Our respective head offices don’t actually care how things get done. They just want to know they can cross it off the list.
AZIRAPHALE
If Hell found out, they wouldn’t just be angry. They’d destroy you.
CROWLEY
Nobody ever has to know. Toss you for Edinburgh.
Aziraphale hesitates. For a moment his noble better nature rejects the idea out of hand. Then, he falls . . .
AZIRAPHALE
Fine. Heads.
An Elizabethan coin goes up, lands on the back of Crowley�
�s hand.
CROWLEY
Tails, I’m afraid. You’re going to Scotland.
In front of them, Shakespeare is talking to the oyster seller . . .
SHAKESPEARE
It’s been like this every performance, Juliet. A complete dud. It’d take a miracle to get people to come and see Hamlet.
Crowley looks at Aziraphale.
CROWLEY
Yeah. All right. I’ll do that one. My treat.