by Neil Gaiman
AZIRAPHALE
That was very kind of you.
CROWLEY
Shut up.
AZIRAPHALE
Well, it was. No paperwork, for a start. The books! I forgot all the books! They’ll have been be blown to . . .
Crowley reaches down, removes the leather bag from Harmony’s dead hand, sticking out from the rubble. Hands it to Aziraphale.
CROWLEY
Little demonic miracle of my own. Lift home?
312EXT. A PUB SIGN – NIGHT – 1967
TITLE CARD: SOHO, LONDON, 1967
A swinging pub sign for THE DIRTY DONKEY pub. It’s 1967.
313INT. PUB BACKROOM – NIGHT – 1967
Sixties music is playing. We open the door to the pub’s backroom, to reveal a 1960s criminal gang: SALLY, the acrobat, has a beehive and white lipstick. DANGEROUS SPIKE is black, wearing very fancy clothes. Crowley is a sixties version of Crowley.
CROWLEY
So Spike, you’re the muscle, and you’ll be hauling the ropes.
SPIKE
And she’ll be going down on the ropes then?
CROWLEY
Hang on. Who are you? Close that door.
YOUNG SHADWELL closes the door behind him.
YOUNG SHADWELL
I understand you need a locksman.
CROWLEY
I was expecting Mr Narker.
Young Shadwell will grow up to be Shadwell. He’s now in his early twenties, and fresh out of prison.
YOUNG SHADWELL
Mr Narker’s passed on to his reward. I’ve taken over the business. He was my cellmate. He taught me everything he knew. My name’s Shadwell.
CROWLEY
Please, sit down, Mr Shadwell.
YOUNG SHADWELL
Lance Corporal Shadwell. If you don’t mind.
SALLY
So what’s so valuable that they’re going to leave it in a church at night?
CROWLEY
We’ll go over the exact details of what you’re obtaining for me when we get there. You will all be very well compensated.
Young Shadwell puts up his hand.
CROWLEY (CONT’D)
Lance Corporal Shadwell? You have a question?
YOUNG SHADWELL
Stealing from a church. There’s nae . . . Witchcraft involved here, is there?
CROWLEY
Nope. Completely witch-free robbery.
YOUNG SHADWELL
Pity.
CROWLEY
Any more questions?
YOUNG SHADWELL
You are not yourself a witch, a warlock or someone who calls your cat funny names?
CROWLEY
Not a witch. No pets. Anyone else?
SALLY
What are we getting paid?
CROWLEY
A hundred pounds now, and another hundred when the job is done. A hundred more to keep schtum.
SPIKE
Good money.
314EXT. SOHO – NIGHT – 1967
Crowley is walking towards his Bentley. Young Shadwell is lurking in an alley, smoking a roll-up. Before Crowley reaches the car, Shadwell steps out of the shadows to intercept him.
YOUNG SHADWELL
Mr Crowley? May I have a moment of your time?
CROWLEY
Yes, Lance Corporal Shadwell. What are you a Lance Corporal in? You don’t look like an army man.
YOUNG SHADWELL
That is precisely the matter upon which I planned to talk to you. You might remember that earlier this evening I asked a pointed question about witchcraft?
CROWLEY
Yes.
YOUNG SHADWELL
I am a proud member of an enormous organisation. Vast. A secret army that battles the forces of witchery. I was inducted into it.
CROWLEY
How nice for you.
YOUNG SHADWELL
The Witchfinder Army. Perhaps you’ve heard of it.
CROWLEY
I thought you said it was secret.
YOUNG SHADWELL
Ye never know when a gentleman such as yourself might have need of such an organisation. A man with hundreds of pounds to throw around. If you need us, the Witchfinder Army are here for you.
CROWLEY
A whole army?
YOUNG SHADWELL
We can be your eyes and ears. Think it over. You know where to find me.
He sidles off.
315INT. CROWLEY’S BENTLEY – NIGHT – 1967
Crowley gets into the car. Then he does a double take. Aziraphale is sitting in the passenger seat.
CROWLEY
What are you doing here?
AZIRAPHALE
Needed a word with you.
CROWLEY
What?
AZIRAPHALE
I work in Soho, I hear things. I hear you are setting up a caper to rob a church. Crowley, it’s too dangerous. Holy water wouldn’t just kill your body. It would destroy you completely.
CROWLEY
You’ve already told me what you think. A hundred and five years ago.
AZIRAPHALE
And I haven’t changed my mind. But I won’t have you risking your life. Not even for something dangerous. So you can call off the robbery.
He produces a nice old-fashioned tartan Thermos flask.
AZIRAPHALE (CONT’D)
Don’t go unscrewing the top.
CROWLEY
It’s the real thing?
AZIRAPHALE
The holiest.
CROWLEY
After everything you said?
Aziraphale nods.
CROWLEY (CONT’D)
Should I say thank you?
AZIRAPHALE
Better not.
CROWLEY
Can I drop you anywhere?
Aziraphale opens the door to the car.
AZIRAPHALE
No, thank you. Oh, don’t look so disappointed. Perhaps one day we could . . . I don’t know . . . Have a picnic. Or dine at the Ritz.
CROWLEY
I’ll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go.
AZIRAPHALE
You go too fast for me, Crowley.
Crowley holds up the Thermos, and he shivers. Then he puts it down on the seat.
316EXT. SOHO – NIGHT – 1967
The Bentley drives away. Aziraphale stands looking at it go.
A neon sign is flashing on and off in a shop window, and from where we are looking, it could almost be a halo above his head, blinking on and blinking off again . . .
We hear a very 1960s-style cover of Buddy Holly’s ‘Everyday’ begin, and we go into the TITLES.
TITLES SEQUENCE
317EXT. AZIRAPHALE’S BOOKSHOP – DAY– PRESENT DAY
The present day. There is a CLOSED sign on the door.
318INT. AZIRAPHALE’S BOOKSHOP – DAY
Through the bookshop into the back room. Aziraphale has been making charts which he’s hung up on the wall.
On one of them we can see he’s written TADFIELD. Beneath that, ADAM YOUNG. There are other notes: AIRFIELD and FOUR HORSEMEN and such, and arrows going around. Also mathematical notations. And now we spot a medal he was given, around the neck of a dusty Victorian bust.
Aziraphale is looking at the chart. He looks uncomfortable.
AZIRAPHALE
Come on. Buck up. Worse things happen at sea. Right, you’ll just go to head office, and explain it all.
TITLE CARD: FRIDAY, ONE DAY TO THE END OF THE WORLD
Aziraphale is psyching himself up to talk to Gabriel.
AZIRAPHALE (CONT’D)
So. Gabriel. Ah, listen. Gabriel. Most holy Archangel Gabriel. Too formal. Hello, Gabriel, me old mate. There is a, a child, we have to deal with. And make everything okay again.
He takes a deep breath, and pretends he’s talking to head office.
AZIRAPHALE (CONT’D)
Hello, Gabriel. Just thought you ought to know, that due to an unfortunate mix-up in a hospital, t
he Antichrist has been mislaid. But it’s all right because I’ve found him. He is living in the English village of Tadfield. And his eleventh birthday was the start of the end of things. Um, I have his address here, so if we eliminate him now, then everything could still be okay. He’ll have an enormous hell-hound with him. He won’t be hard to spot . . .
319EXT. TADFIELD LANE – DAY
Adam is wandering the road to Tadfield, with Dog at his heels.
We HOLD on DOG.
GOD (V.O.)
This wasn’t, insofar as the hell-hound had any expectations, what he had imagined life would be like in the last days before Armageddon.
Home-movie style, an ENORMOUS, GRUMPY ORANGE CAT saunters in front of Dog.
GOD (V.O.)
Form shapes nature. There are certain ways of behaviour appropriate to small dogs which are in fact welded into the genes.
Dog freezes. Eyes glow deep red.
GOD (V.O.)
He’d surprised the huge ginger cat from next door and had attempted to reduce it to cowering jelly by means of the usual glowing stare and deep-throated growl. It had always worked in the past.
The orange cat swipes angrily at Dog, raking claws across his nose. He WHIMPERS. The cat saunters away.
GOD (V.O.)
Dog was looking forward to a further cat experiment, which would consist of jumping around and yapping excitedly at it.
Back to the here and now. Dog has started growling. It’s an angry, deep growl for a small dog . . .
ADAM
What? What is it?
320EXT. JASMINE COTTAGE LANE – DAY
He stops. And he can hear something. It sounds like someone tearfully angry . . . And he sees this is JASMINE COTTAGE.
ADAM
Jasmine Cottage! Come on, Dog.
321EXT. JASMINE COTTAGE – DAY
Anathema is sitting in the garden, furious with herself. She’s breaking a flowerpot.
ANATHEMA
So stupid. 350 years.
ADAM
Psst!
She looks up, puzzled to see Adam’s face upside down: he’s hanging from a tree, looking at her.
ADAM (CONT’D)
Did the witch catch you? Can I help you escape?
Anathema smiles, despite herself. She shakes her head.
ADAM (CONT’D)
But you were crying.
ANATHEMA
I know . . . Hello. You’re the kid from Hogback Wood, aren’t you? I’m okay. This sounds so dumb. I . . . lost a book. And it all got a bit much.
ADAM
I can help you look for it.
ANATHEMA
That’s sweet of you. It’s been in my family for a long time.
Adam clambers down from the tree.
ADAM
I wrote a book once. It was about this pirate who was a famous detective. I bet it was a lot more exciting than any book you’ve lost. Specially the bit in the spaceship where the dinosaur comes out and fights with the cowboys. I bet it’d cheer you up, my book. I’m Adam. I live in Hogback Lane.
ANATHEMA
Thank you, Adam. I’m Anathema.
(shakes her head)
Are you from here?
ADAM
Yup. This is my world. From Hogback Wood to the Dip and from the Old Quarry up to the pond.
ANATHEMA
You haven’t seen two men in a big black vintage car?
ADAM
Did they steal it? Professional book thieves, probably they go around in their car stealing books . . .
ANATHEMA
They didn’t mean to steal it. They were looking for the Manor, but I went up there and no one knows anything about them.
(remembering her manners)
Do you want some lemonade?
ADAM
Are we going to have to break into the cottage and battle the witch for it?
ANATHEMA
It’s my cottage. I’m renting it.
Adam looks her up and down. The penny drops . . .
ADAM
Look, ’scuse me for askin’, if it’s not a personal question, but . . . are you a witch?
ANATHEMA
No. I’m an occultist.
ADAM
Oh. That’s all right then.
They head in to get lemonade.
ANATHEMA
You’re thinking, nothing wrong with my eyes, aren’t you?
HOLD on Dog. He’s not following them in. He’s in the garden, growling. We see what he’s looking at.
It’s a horseshoe, nailed above the door. It starts to glow red.
GOD (V.O.)
There had been a horseshoe over the door of Jasmine Cottage for hundreds of years. It protected the inhabitants from evil, or so they believed.
Dog is crouched on the doorstep of Jasmine Cottage. He’s growling.
ADAM
Come on, you silly dog.
(to Anathema)
Normally he does everything I say, right off.
ANATHEMA
You can leave him in the garden.
ADAM
No, he’s got to do what he’s told. My father said I can only keep him if he’s properly trained. Now, Dog. Go inside.
Dog whines, gives Adam a pleading look. Then, with extreme reluctance, as if making progress in the teeth of a gale, he slinks over the doorstep.
ADAM (CONT’D)
Good boy! It wasn’t that hard, was it?
Dog whimpers, then licks Adam’s face. They follow Anathema into the kitchen. We pan up slowly to above the door.
GOD (V.O.)
The hell-hound entered the cottage and a little bit more of Hell burned away.
The horseshoe over the door is now orange and smoking as it cools.
322INT. SHADWELL’S FLAT – DAY
Newt is, bored, looking at newspapers. He creases his brow. Looks at a headline: A WHITE CHRISTMAS IN OXFORDSHIRE VILLAGE – AGAIN! Smaller heading: AGAINST ALL ODDS, TADFIELD HAS THREE INCHES OF SNOW. ONLY TOWN IN ENGLAND.
He cuts it out with the scissors.
The phone in the hallways starts ringing. Shadwell is nowhere to be seen.
323INT. SHADWELL’S HALLWAY – DAY
Newt answers the phone. He listens to a voice . . .
NEWT
Um. Marks and Spencer cotton Y-fronts, if you must know.
Madame Tracy peers around her door.
NEWT (CONT’D)
I think it’s for you. Oh. He hung up.
MADAME TRACY
Where’s Mr Shadwell, then?
NEWT
The sergeant had to go out. Army business.
Madame Tracy looks at the press clipping he’s holding.
MADAME TRACY
Wouldn’t it be easier to get a computer, dear? It’s all on the internet nowadays.
NEWT
I . . . you know. I’m meant to be a computer engineer. It’s just, I can’t make computers work.
MADAME TRACY
I just turn mine on, and it knows what to do. Oh, listen to me. I am naughty. I have clients, dear, who email me on the computer. I’m either Sexykittenboots or MysteriesRevealed.
NEWT
I once tried to build a joke circuit that was guaranteed not to do anything at all. It had diodes the wrong way round and . . .
MADAME TRACY
There’s another email address, but it’s a bit naughty. That’s for the gentlemen who need a firm hand. What happened?
NEWT
It picked up Radio Moscow. I’m just not very good at electronics.
324INT. THE CAFÉ – DAY
Crowley is half-hidden behind a newspaper. Shadwell sits down at the same table. He tips the contents of the sugar bowl into his tea. Crowley keeps pretending to read the paper during the conversation.
CROWLEY
Sergeant Shadwell.
SHADWELL
Mr Crowley. You’re looking well.
CROWLEY
Clean living.
SHADWELL
<
br /> Your father, how is he? You resemble him very much, you know . . .
CROWLEY
So they tell me. He’s well.
Shadwell produces a greasy, well-thumbed accounts book.